Hi kae. I don't check in as much any more because life has become more complicated in general, even though the difficult children have all reached adulthood.
difficult child 3 was diagnosed the youngest. He was about 3 years old when the autism diagnosis was finally given, but in his case he had obvious language delay so that made diagnosis easier. Community Health (through the public system) was able to assess language issues, but frankly it was murder to have to deal with the level of idiocy I felt I had to cope with. They did, to their credit, finally accept I wasn't just a bad mother. I really hate how so often (in the public system) you get treated as if the only problem is poor parenting.
difficult child 3 was given a hearing test too, by a mob linked to DOCS. I was in a panic when I heard DOCS had been called on suspicion of emotional neglect, but they quickly ruled that out, and language delay in. He was about two and a half at this stage, I remember he was fully two and a half when the next stage got us into Community Health speech path assessment.
If I had my time over, I'd have gone private. Better results, faster turnaround, less pain for me (other than the wallet). Talk to the GP to begin with, they might be able to organise a Mental Care Plan which could include assessment/treatment for six sessions under Medicare. We didn't have thta option, but we sure used it when the kids were older.
With ODD (yes, I'm getting to it!) I really, really HATE that label, because I feel the label itself is so misleading. it implies that the child is deliberately choosing to be difficult, when I do not believe that is the case. Instead, what you get is a child who seems to learn by copying the behaviours of those around him/her. But often the behaviours of those the child wants to emulate, are disciplinary behaviours. These are the kids whose social skills are not quite up to scratch, so this is where you see the problems emerging.
For example, a teacher who disciplines with "Because I said so, that's why!" will strike serious trouble with a kid who is extremely imitative. These kids look at what succeeds for others then tryto duplicate it. They see the teacher as successful, because the teacher is managing to control an entire class of students to get a certain amount of cooperation. A lot of this is about control, because often these kids feel their world is very much NOT under their control and they find the uncertainty to be scary or confronting. So they try to control it.
I've often recommended parents of kids getting this sort of label (or exhibiting these sort of problem behaviours) read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It should be in your local library. Basically, the message is that we need to give these kids a sense of SELF-control. Any kid capable of even trying to control everyone else to this extent is capable of learning self-control. And you become their facilitator and not their controller. You help them, you teach them, they learn and they imitate your supportive behaviour and not any controlling behaviour.
These kids will also give back what they get, in terms of behaviour from other people. So if you're the kind of parent who smacks, for example, that is teaching such a child that aggression and force are good. If you tell such a child to not hit or bite, but they observe others (kids or adults) using force and succeeding, then your word become more meaningless. It's observations and actions that speak louder.
The other thing that you would notice if you try this - anyone not on board with this method will suddenly find themselves the target of all the child's hostility. For example, difficult child 3 had a teacher at school of the "Because I said so" kind. She and difficult child 3 clashed all the time. She also was very negative in her instructions. It was "Don't do that" rather than "Do this instead."
With a child like this, the more he/she gets anxious (and anxiety, uncertainty and panic can often go hand in hand with this feeling of lost control) the more they try to clamp down on control. And the more you try to override and control the child, or direct in the direction you want them to go, the more stubbornly they will refuse. And the more they refuse, the harder you try to clamp down. But you will lose that battle because the child like this is always more single-minded, more focussed and more desperate than you are. Instead, you let go and let the child, to a certain extent.
It's not as anarchic as that, and it seems counter-intuitive, but it really does work. Basically, don't fight over every little thing but pick three things you want to work on, and leave everything else in te too hard basket for now. And if you're working on discipline and see the child about to melt down, ease back. Try to help the child avoid a meltdown. Remove the child from a problem situation perhaps, or stop pushing to get the child to sit at the table to finish a meal if they don't want to. Whatever it is. Natural consequences can become your disciplinarian - if she runs outside without putting her sandals on, she will get bindis in her feet and will learn that sandals prevent this. You didn't put the bindis there, it just happened that way because she ran on the lawn barefoot. Or hot paving, or rough gravel. She will need to learn a lot more for herself, and not because you are teaching her.
Another tip - ensure really good communication between yourself and whoever has the child away from you (such as day care). We had a note book that would travel back and forth in the child's bag. You write anything you think relevant ("she slept badly last night, might be difficult today") and the caregiver in turn writes anything they notice ("she bit Rachel today but when Rachel cried she cried too and gave Rachel a hug.")
As you look at it, you see patterns more clearly and between you and the caregiver, you begin to see a way through.
If there are problems, early detection means you can get access to Early Intervention programs. These are through Dept of Ed or Community Health, or similar. Definitely useful because it makes transition to "big school" a lot easier, especially if you can get funding for a support staff person (we had one for difficult child 3 from the age of 3). The funding is Federal but it is state-applied.
Marg