A First Attempt

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I waited to respond to your thread. I felt pain and dread and was unsure why. I am going to rearrange the order of your comments so that I can gain some clarity, and perhaps, be helpful, too.

First, going to jail, for him, will be a good thing. The psychiatrists there will be able to enforce medication, if he is a danger to himself, others or gravely disabled. They will not allow him to run around in a mania.

Your son sounds highly intelligent. There are many, many high-functioning people who are bipolar. There is one who wrote a famous book about being bipolar who is an esteemed professor of psychology. I will look for it. Of course, there are many people with bipolar who are not high-functioning who commit crimes, for example. I work with them in prisons. Many are delightful people who even in this difficult environment find some contentment, self-acceptance and meaning.

As I see it there is a reason that the gene for this mental illness persisted through the eons, and this is because it is associated with highly advantageous and even coveted traits that can be adaptive for society if not for the individual. I am not advocating for bipolar disorder, I am saying that bipolar people can be highly creative, brilliant and innovative--as well as nutty.

My son has a mood disorder. While he believes himself to be bipolar, that diagnosis has not been confirmed by anybody with professional qualifications.

When your son is medicated--a light bulb may go on. Or it won't. The thing is, who knows?

In this quote you are speaking to your dread that you will lose him:
I don't know if that means death, prison, estrangement, or his illness becoming so bad that he does not know who I am, or thinks I'm an alien or government robot spying on him.
All of these things are possible, even probable. But there are other possible outcomes too.

A couple of months ago I read a wonderful book that changed my life, called The Denial of Death by Ernest J Becker. He argued that whole civilizations are arranged (let alone lives) so as to protect us humans, from having to face the eventuality that we die. (As I was typing, I found myself writing, the possibility that we die.)

You see. I am still trying to find some alternative. To dying. To nothingness. To never again seeing my son or helping him. Or what?
I had always planned on turning the focus onto myself once he was ok. I see now that he is unlikely to ever be ok.
Well, I hate to give you the news but nobody, not even you, will be OK. Every single one of us is on our way to decrepit decay.

We in this society, maybe most every so-called advance society, live based upon narratives of redemption, of progress, of a life story heading towards some triumphant end of getting better, more capable--when the reality is something completely the opposite.

Not only is it that our kids will not get better--we will not either. Unless we change our thinking.

Those of us with difficult and dysfunctional kids--how much of our grief stems from their not meeting our own or society's expectations--of what normal developmental looks like--milestones, expectations, norms. Let me tell you a secret: normal is an abstract construct.

I am not minimizing this. What I am trying to do is to get some perspective on how I feel and think and how this thinking affects my relationship with my son and with myself, and makes me suffer.

If I can accept that my son is not some machine that can be improved upon; he is not some third world country that needs to improve standards of healthcare, or adapt more efficient modes of production.

He is a sentient being in relation to a creator and to himself. As am I. No more. No less. A creature on the way to his own death and making meaning along the way.

Now these quotes are mother-bashing:
I was probably the very worst kind of mother he could have been born to. He needed an authoritative, detached mom
Honestly, Difficult Child would have likely fared better with an abusive family. Its like he has an aversion to being loved sometimes
OMG. Are you really saying here he would have been better off abused than loved by you? Do you believe this or is this one more way to beat yourself up for having failed?

Because you did not fail. Do you recognize what you have done? Your son knows he is loved, unconditionally. Do you know how few people know this? Not many.
"Christ mother, why don't you just tell me 'F*** You kid' and hang up on me when I'm like that?"
You are writing here about fearing that each conversation could be your last. And that you cannot set a limit, lest it be.

This is hogwash. In my language of origin, it is dreck. It is as if because you fear his death, you anticipate it at any possible moment, so as to protect yourself. And to protect yourself--you sacrifice your son in every single phone call.

He is absolutely correct. G-d Mother, get a grip. Can you please allow me the possibility of living? Can you please give me the possibility of hope? Can you please have the confidence in life and in yourself that the absolutely worst thing in the world will not happen.

Because, of course, you are right:the absolutely worst thing will happen, always, inevitably. We die. That your son will, too, is news to nobody. But there is the possibility, too, he will live. And even at some point, work something out for himself. Not according to some development narrative, but something magical that we cannot know and may not understand.

I really liked your letter to him. Not because of what you told him, but what you told yourself: Your manifesto. Where you stand.

Now is the time to turn to yourself. Clearly you are highly intelligent with real gifts. Your thread captured our imaginations and our hearts. Where will you go with them? What will you make of them?

Let your son be. His destiny is already unfurling. (I feel good he is going to jail. It is a new start for him.) Where will you take yourself?
 
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Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Kay Redfield Jamison is the psychologist's name who has been bipolar since her late teens. This is from Wikipedia: "The books, a memoir called, An Unquiet Mind, which details her experience with severe mania and Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide." She also co-wrote a textbook called Manic-Depressive Illness, I think.

She is a professor of clinical psychology at John Hopkins University Medical School.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Karisma, while my heart breaks for everyone's child, yours is probably the hardest for me to read about because he has serious mental illness. He didn't cause it. You didn't cause it.

I believe that, unlike most of our kids, your son may be unable to get help or could be afraid/paranoid of medication. I have spent almost all of my life advocating for the mentally ill and the fact that we can.not help our psychotic, severely mentally sick family members makes me ill. It is not the same as trying to help somebody who is depressed but can tell reality from fantasy. It is not the same as addiction. It is not failure to thrive.

It is a category all its own
Psychosis.
Our country treats it as if the afflicted people can actually make rational, good decisions for themselves if they would just do it. They need to look "psychosis" up in the dictionary.

I wish I could say something more than what you already know...you have done all you can and he surely knows you love him.

I'm so sorry.
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
Karisma, I just wanted to let you know that I am reading along. I hope the "other enabler" has seen that this is beyond her expertise and that your son has gotten some professional help. Please keep us posted.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
"other enabler"
Karisma. I forgot to tell you that this happened to us. For two years a "friend" of mine took in my son and did not require of him one thing--and then kicked him to the curb when he tired of it. I blame him because when it began I called him to try to talk to this person, who answered, "this is between J and I."

The moral of the story: we cannot referee between our children and their lives. It still causes me pain.
 

mof

Momdidntsignupforthis
I agree this woman is over her head...hope she reaches out for help. For your sons sake.
 

GoingNorth

Crazy Cat Lady
The problem with meth is that is makes users feel godlike while they're high, but as and once they come down, the depression that hits is well nigh unbearable. In fact, the depression is so bad that meth users tend to compulsively redose to avoid it.
 

karisma

Member
Okay, I am back. I did manage to enjoy parts of the trip and I did not worry the whole time, which surprised me. I was extremely bored not being online. Luckily, I had a couple of articles downloaded to my phone that I had forgotten about. They were excellent and I will post links to them in a new thread tomorrow.

Difficult Child was okay. He was much better over the weekend with the screaming and crying thing, though he is still monopolizing the bathroom I hear.

It doesn't sound like there's anything you could do to help him, It sounds like what he needs is inpatient care.

GoingNorth, No, there often isn't much I can do to help, in fact, being around me seems to actually make him worse half the time. Yes, he needs inpatient care. He needs high doses of anti-psychotic medication. He will not consent to either. He does not know he is mentally ill and he does not want help.

I do it to try to control the uncontrollable.

Savior, yes, me too. All I want is to control one teeny tiny little thing, Difficult Child finding a way to be okay. Is that so much to ask?

I read and read and read and read.

Megrit, I read constantly too. I find great comfort here.

Whatever this is, whyever it happened, the answer is love. And that includes our loving ourselves. Or we will not be able to help our children.

Not sure what loving myself would look like. Maybe I already do, or maybe not. I don't feel it the same way I feel love for others, and sometimes I am aware that I am hating on myself, which saddens me. I won't allow anyone (other than Difficult Child) to treat me badly though. Perhaps that is self love.

His world would be so much colder, without your love in it.

I know it would. He really can't stand when I show him how I love and adore him. It drives him away. He likes it when I act indifferent, void of emotion, simply listening (definitely not responding).

You posted, karisma, that you felt shame at your emotional dependence on your son's response to you.

I suppose it seems to me that a mother my age really out to have her emotional eggs in several different baskets. It feels like I am alright as long as he is okay and still loves me. If either of those things is in jeopardy, his okayness or our relationship, I feel so depressed that I can barely function. I understand what you are saying about it being the very nature of the relationship and it does help to look at it from that perspective.

teaching the kids that if only the story was bad enough, we would save them to teaching the kids that they were smart, and strong, and that they would find their own way and did not need me.

I really struggle here because I truly can not tell if this is the case with my son. His horror stories are not just to get money. Not at all. But he does employ this tactic once in a while with a "I was assaulted" or "I'm cleaning up blood" type of story that is for the purpose of obtaining money (that I would have given him anyhow).

So, that's my story. I know of one mom, who was here when I first came here, who made her son leave. And he was killed, karisma. (!) And then, her other son fell into the same kinds of problems. And she made him leave, too.

But this son, she saved.

That is the kind of courage it takes.

That is the zenith of courage and conviction. I am not even in the same universe as that yet. I don't know where I am in all this right now.

And could hardly speak English anymore because I was so traumatized a basket case.

Cedar, I am so happy that you said this. I have noticed, much to my dismay, that I have an extremely difficult time forming sentences that even make sense on this topic as of late. Seriously, I have been wondering about some kind of early onset dementia or something that would explain the nearly total loss of my once stellar writing skills

First, going to jail, for him, will be a good thing. The psychiatrists there will be able to enforce medication, if he is a danger to himself, others or gravely disabled. They will not allow him to run around in a mania.

Copa, yes and no on this topic. It will be good only in that 1) Difficult Child will learn some consequences for using drugs and not showing up for court and 2) Difficult Child will get totally clean off the drugs he is on, probably every drug anyone can imagine except pcp. 3) When he gets out this time, he will probably finally consent to guardianship.

However, we live in Maricopa County, where Sheriff Joe Arpaio reigns. This is the most brutal jail in the U.S. He is going to suffer tremendously, and they only give you help with mental illness if you ask for it, which I doubt he will. Also, Difficult Child is in protective custody the whole time he is in there. He is afraid. The other men do not like him because he is slightly transgendered (this is a relatively recent thing with him in the past year. He insists on being called by the name I would have named him had he been a girl. He looks completely male but wears a sports bra under his shirt) and does not like to shower, also is crazy etc etc. So, he is in a cell by himself the whole time. I have a very hard time coping because I know how terrible it is. Firsthand.

But he is going to go and I do hope something good comes of it. It will only be the first of many times since he is getting put on some kind of probation, whether standard or mental health, that he will not comply with anyway.

I have written to his judge, lawyer, presentence investigator, and pretrial services officer. My letter was quite compelling and I told them that it is my greatest hope that he be court ordered on anti psychotic medication injections. I am not holding my breath.

having to face the eventuality that we die. (As I was typing, I found myself writing, the possibility that we die.)

I quite literally laughed my tail off at this. It just really struck my funny bone. Wonderful to laugh.

Well, I hate to give you the news but nobody, not even you, will be OK. Every single one of us is on our way to decrepit decay.

Quite true, unpleasant, but true. It actually helps me to think in these terms. I suppose my concern is not with him finding life everlasting, but more with the suffering he endures, which may or may not be to the extreme I believe it to be. It is possible that he is acclimated to and accepts his pain. I can't tell.

f I can accept that my son is not some machine that can be improved upon; he is not some third world country that needs to improve standards of healthcare, or adapt more efficient modes of production.

He is a sentient being in relation to a creator and to himself. As am I. No more. No less. A creature on the way to his own death and making meaning along the way.

I truly dig this way of looking at things. Thank you.

He is absolutely correct. G-d Mother, get a grip. Can you please allow me the possibility of living? Can you please give me the possibility of hope? Can you please have the confidence in life and in yourself that the absolutely worst thing in the world will not happen.

This conversation actually happened long before the psychosis set in. It is still relevant to a great degree and I would do well to recall this more often. He is still somewhat lucid, unlike someone with schizophrenia, and does not want "mothering".

I loved "An Unquiet Mind". I read it when he was about 9 at the recommendation of his psychiatrist. Wonderful book.

Psychosis.
Our country treats it as if the afflicted people can actually make rational, good decisions for themselves if they would just do it. They need to look "psychosis" up in the dictionary.

SWOT, incredible isn't it? I have heard it compared to Alzheimer's in the sense that both groups of people, psychotics and dementia patients, do. not. know. what. is. real. and are therefore, always in grave danger. We certainly do not ask Alzheimer's patients if they are in the mood for help do we?

My son's diagnosis is Bipolar. However, he has not had a psychiatric evaluation since he became seriously psychotic at age 24, and he would not be honest about his symptoms even if he did have one. So I am not sure if he is schizoaffective or not.

I hope the "other enabler" has seen that this is beyond her expertise and that your son has gotten some professional help.

Albatross, and that would be a resounding nope. She is just like him, except not as bad. She loves him very much and considers him her brother. I have to say that very likely he loves her more than anyone in the world. I am happy that he has this with her. She has a heart of gold, but is the absolute worst addict I have ever met.

I agree this woman is over her head...hope she reaches out for help

Mof, she sure won't. She truly believes she knows what is best for him.

She is currently trying to slip anti psychotic medication (that she needs but doesn't take) into my son's food and drinks.(!) I stay out of it. I have learned that I can not interfere in what goes on between them. If I admonish her for anything, then I stop getting the truth about what is up.

On a side note, I petitioned her about a six weeks ago and called the police on her. She was completely psychotic on meth and I feared for her life. For this reason, she was not speaking to me until the crying phone call. This is why I took it so seriously. First, because she was so angry with me that the situation would have to be beyond extreme for her to call me. Second, her threshold for psychotic behavior is incredibly high. She sees this stuff as normal because she is like this as well.

The meth might be treating his depression -

And at the same time---

In fact, the depression is so bad that meth users tend to compulsively redose to avoid it.

Paradoxically, meth both treats and causes depression. Sad.

Hey, thank all of you so very much for all your kind and wise words. This site is truly saving my sanity.

Sorry my post turned into a novel

Peace and be well
 

mof

Momdidntsignupforthis
Wrapping prayers and b blessings around you. Hold your head up and take a deep breathe.

You matter....celebrate you.
Mof
 

Albatross

Well-Known Member
She is currently trying to slip anti psychotic medication (that she needs but doesn't take) into my son's food and drinks.(!)
Sigh...

I stay out of it. I have learned that I can not interfere in what goes on between them. If I admonish her for anything, then I stop getting the truth about what is up.
I think this is very smart.

I am glad you managed to have at least SOME fun on your trip, Karisma. I am glad things have calmed down somewhat.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Karisma:

All I can say is Wow. You are up against something that I have never dealt with. I don't even know what to say except we are here for you.

I always think of the saying "God only gives you what you can handle". I just don't understand what this means anymore. Why do some of us have to handle so much?

Hugs.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I think many of us are given more than we can handle. Many break under the pressure. Our mentally ill can't handle their illnesses, but they have a living hell anyway.

We are the parents of these very ill people. That is hard enough. Imagine being them.

There would be no suicide if we could all handle what we are given.

Sad, sad, sad.
 
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