A melt down and room stripping

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Nancy423, Oct 19, 2008.

  1. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Yet another day trashing everything in difficult child's room. It's like a quarterly thing around here for years. She's taken more money from my purse and stolen all the change husband has from his (deceased) bro. Plus some other stuff.

    It's been a very tough day and I hate having to do this to difficult child. I'm sure husband is black and blue from the thrashing he took when we first started. I had the job of bear hugging her until she stopped thrashing/kicking/biting. We stripped the room down to bed and dresser. Since all the stuffed animals and other toys were ripped and broken, just everything was trashed. We'll give her back the tv/directv and other stuff as she earns it.

    Never did find my $$. It's been 3 hours and she's finally calmed down enough to help out a bit. She always feels so bad after an episode. And I guess I now have about a year's worth of laundry to do since all her stuff is shoved under the bed, behind the dresser, in toy boxes etc. :whiteflag:

    In a way I'm so tired of locking things up or hiding them. we have a safe for her medications and other small things and now we're going to get a new lock for our bedroom door and put stuff in there that we don't want her to touch. It's not a large room and I'm not looking forward to having more stuff in my room that isn't necessary.

    guess I just need some hugs today...............:faint:
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2008
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    HUGS!!! Big time Hugs!!!

    What a very hard day!

    I am glad she has calmed down. I hope she understands that this is because you are trying to keep her safe.
  3. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    {{{big hugs}}} been there done that. How lousy it is. Necessary but exhausting. Does your difficult child see anyone about her stealing and her rages? Hope you have someone to talk to as well.
  4. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    ((((hugs)))), sometimes you just want to go to a corner and cry, so so frustrating, been there done that. Hope you get your $$ back one way or another.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    (((hugs))) So sorry you experienced such a horrible day.
  6. Feeling Helpless

    Feeling Helpless Oldie but Goodie

    So sorry to hear about your day. Hugs and prayers go out to you.We had one of those days last week. Our difficult child is only 7. Ours ended after 2 hours.He is slowing earning back his toys. Have not had anyh money stolen (YET). I know you havr so many emotions going on right now. I try at those times to remember what my difficult child is like when he is happy and having a decent day. I try to imagine the next day being one of those days and it does help some.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I have a difficult child with a mood disorder and ODD. When she was your difficult child's age we were stripping her room and holding her as she rages also. We went through a lot of very dark days/years. I had to hide so many things over the years that I am still finding things randomly now that I had forgotten about. We bought a locked chest at office max where we keep our car keys, money, and probably most important, alcohol. If you have any in your house you will have to soon think about getting rid of it or locking it up.

    When we did strip her room we told her she could earn her things back, slowly. We also took the door off the hinges so she could no longer slam it or hide thinsg form us. We allowed her to put a sheet up across the doorway for privacy. One of the saddest days of my life was when I found she had managed to keep back a stuffed animal and hide it when we stripped her room. I didn't take it because I knew she needed some comfort.

    I'm sorry you are going through these rough times. I sometimes don't know how we made it through. You just have to get through each day the best you can and try your best to help your difficult child learn self control. She doesn't want to be this way but she doesn't know how to stop.

  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am so sorry. I remember doing that, and how much it hoovered. Always tore my emotions up.

    Is there any chance that her current medications (singulair, flovent atarax) are contributing to the rages? I know some medications do contribute to cycling when the person has mood disorders.

    Hugs to you and husband. Today was HARD.
  9. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Remember you child is unstable. She most likely hates this just as much as you, if not more. My daughter K is becoming unstable again, so her rages are increasing. Most likely she needs a medication adjustment. Also the season is likely triggering her somewhat.
    I HAVE to remember these things when I start to engage her. Even if I need to *hold* her, I do not talk.
    We tell her what, why or how much we need. That is it.
    We are nearby to offer support or *hold* her or stop her from hurting herself. If she can not control herself and destroys somethings, it is gone. If the door keeps getting slammed, take it down.
    For some here, there are holes in the walls and wrecked furniture etc. This is just a fact with an unstable child. Until she can reach stability and have the tools and mental capacity to help herself, this may continue.
    Hang in there... long, long road!
  10. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    Thanks for the many hugs and the reassurances. It really helps. Yeah, my daughter ripped her door off the hinges when she was 6-7 so she's been doorless for years. Part of me hates the fact that I can't buy anything new and decent because it'll get trashed. (not necessarily from an episode, but she can't seem to be clean and organized anywhere) One thing we've noticed is that the # of episodes has dramatically reduced. She used to have 3-6 every day between the ages 2-5.

    We're going to see her allergist and talk about her medications next month. I can't do anything until then but it's something that was suggested last week too. What else is out there for asthma that would be a better choice? I can possibly get her to wean off the atarax and use ointments and creams but what about Singulair??
  11. Pookybear66

    Pookybear66 New Member

    Nancy-My ds uses Singulair 5 mg 1xdaily at night b4 bed. He has had no side affects that I am aware of. We do have to watch him closely because of a heart condition but he is not currently taking ADD medications or anything else. Or did I read that wrong and you want her OFF the Singulair?? I don't know about that. He also uses a Flovent inhaler for maintennance maybe you could try that if her asthma is not too bad.

    (((hugs)) to you and your family.
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    The fact that your difficult child is raging less often than she used to is hopeful. That being said, having to live under total lockdown, stripping difficult child's room, having your things trashed...it's really really hard and it stinks.

    I have heard of rages as a possible side effect of Singulair. You might want to consider a combination of Flovent for maintenance plus Ventolin for rescue. Your allergist can best advise on that.

    As for the rages, trashing, etc. It is very hard. A few strategies that worked for us were:

    Key locks on every room of the house, including closets and pantry. Carry the keys with you everywhere, and make sure that you lock doors behind you.

    Natural consequences. If difficult child trashes it, it's gone and doesn't get replaced. Not out of punishment, but because difficult child has demonstrated that she can't yet manage the responsibility of owning it.

    We lived with everything locked up and difficult child banned from certain parts of the house (family room, dining room, basement) for months at a time because he could not be trusted not to destroy things.

    Sorry you're having to deal with this. You're not alone.
  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Is she in Therapy? That is one thing that is helping us is a good therapist that K can talk to.
    Also, lots of talking when she is not raging. Letting her know what will happen when and if she does rage and destroy things. That it is not because we are mad, but because we are trying to help her.
    Also, that if she is going to destroy her things we need to have those things away from her, for safety and because we just flat out can't afford it, and won't let her. It is for her own good... kind of like Trinity said.
    We only want to help her, and we try real hard to let her know that, even if she doesn't like it! LOL
  14. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    She's been on and off in therapy. Our current insurance doesn't cover those benefits (found out the hard way, still paying off) and I'm trying to see what our state can do to help - so far, not much. Illinois isn't very kind. I've been thinking more and more about trying to get her Medicare - we've got low IQ scores and a brain scan but I don't think I want to go thru the application process.

    Our bedroom is now under lock and key and we just store stuff we don't want her to touch in there. Anything that was damaged has been tossed and we're starting over. We're telling our family not to buy toys for xmas. We'll think of something else.

    As for medications, I'm just not sure what the allergy doctor will do - she's stable on the current medications. She's got Xopenex for rescue which is actually better than the albuterol's (Proair, Ventolin etc) for her. She can't take the powder stuff (Pulmicort, Advair etc) because her muscles around the mouth aren't developed enough and she can't get a good seal. doctor won't put her on the inhaler Advair until she's 12 (even tho she was originally on the CFC inhalers for those 2 medications). We'll see what he says. I'm just shaking my head and throwing up my hands. I have been trying to remember if behavior followed medications, or medications followed behavior........
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Nancy, what a weekend.
    So sorry.

    I know exactly how you feel about not being able to buy anything nice. I saw a really cool bedroom set in a store this summer that I wanted to buy ... it was made of faux logs and had a tent over the top of the bed.
    But why? So difficult child could trash it, after husband and I work so hard to buy it?
    It's a grieving process over and over again.
    I hear you.