Abusive teen

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Miss P, Apr 27, 2017.

  1. Miss P

    Miss P New Member

    I'm so glad I found this site. I was feeling terrible that I have thoughts of moving away from my child. I have tried everything I can think of.
    I am a single mother because his father chose to be a serial cheater while I was pregnant which I would not tolerate. We still decided to remain friends and do our best to be there for our only child when he was born. So even though his father didn't do his part at all, I did my part.
    My child has been showing signs of rebellion since kindergarten. He was being bullied in elementary school and I fought hard to put an end to it. I put him in counseling and everything. When he was 11, he assaulted another child. I went to court with him, never missed a counseling session, DHR was brought into my home and I spent over 2 years running around with him for that incident.
    He started assulting me by age 15. I was in a car accident that limited my ability to walk for several months. From there he really got away. He stoIe my car and crashed it, started smoking and just literally started getting suspended from school on purpose. He's been in a behavior rehab residential center twice and sees a counselor weekly. I don't know what else to do. I've called the police on him several times for attacking me. He trashes the house, takes my things, and even locked me in my room one time. He's kicked my door in, burned a hole in the floor, snatch my keys and purse so i can't leave when he assaults me. He says that I'm overreacting and it's not that serious and that I'm just pitiful. I'm sitting here with my lip busted, bruised and in pain from him attacking me last night which went on over an hour and he took my phone. I had to a hidden phone in my bathroom and got in the shower so he couldn't hear me call the police and demanded they take him away this time. He threatened to kill me in front of them. I feel tormented in my own home. I work very hard for what I have, it's not fair that he thinks he can just trash it.
    Then other people look at you like you are a crazy person for letting a child treat you this way. I have tried punishments like taking away items, he takes them back and threatens me if I touch his things, I've only spanked him maybe twice in his life when he was under 6 years old but decided that was not a way I wanted to discipline him. Some people say he acts this way because he's spoiled and I didn't spank him like I should. But I did other things like time-outs and take away toys and video games. But that didn't work after he got about 8. What was so wrong with providing for my child? That's what I busted my behind through school to do...be able to provide for him.
    I pray everyday not to hate him. He's been diagnosed with ADHD, Severe depression, a defiant disorder, and has been in a state of psychosis before, but some of this is just straight rebellion. I feel so sorry for him which is why I keep tolerating so much. I can go on and on but I've put so much time in getting him help that I just realized I'm stressed the hell out and I need help.
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Did the police arrive? What did they do? Will a school counselor help with agencies you can talk to? Can you contact DCF and ask for help?

    This is very dangerous for you and things could get worse. I would press charges. He needs to learn there are consequences for behaviors.

    So sorry you are going thru this. Ksm
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would call the cops. He could hurt you very badly. He needs to live away from you in a facility that provides help 24/7. He may be using drugs. Either way, he is dangerous.

    Call social services. Ask for help. If he assaults you call the police. You are hurting him by letting him batter you without consequences. It is no different than spousal abuse when our big tall kids hurt us. Care about yourself. Protect yourself. Some kids are too dangerous to live at home.
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2017
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I agree.

    Nobody should live like this. Not even a loving mother. You are in danger. Physically and emotionally. Nor is it good for your son, that he be your perpetrator. Anything you can do to take control, of a non-violent nature, is good for him, including involving the police, foster care, or ongoing residential treatment until he is 18. I have read about parents who forfeit parental rights so that their child gets necessary treatment. But most important, is that you save and protect yourself. You are worth that, and more.

    My mother felt that I enabled my own son. She did not tell me directly but when her mind began to slip, she let it slip.

    I do not believe this was a matter of not spanking your son. Being a single mother is very hard for some of us, especially those among us who have trouble with boundaries, or who may have been abused as children or as adults. That said, this is a situation that has answers--you will find them, and put them in place.

    It is a question of knowing what you need, support, and taking steps, one by one. I agree with KSM about help from school, and also help from law enforcement, social services and probation.

    Your son needs to face consequences of his actions, no matter the diagnoses. To be honest, I do not believe the two of you should be living together after what has transpired. First, you are not safe.

    And how can you walk this back? There is too much water under the bridge. Where will he get the self-control and skills he needs, while living in an environment where he acts out so seriously?

    He needs first to be contained and restrained, until he gets the treatment and stability to learn to contain himself.
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    Last edited: Apr 27, 2017
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Spanking would not have made him better. Whoever says that is clueless. Your son is very disturbed and violent. Personality traits are often inherited. Maybe he is like his father. He is 50% father's DNA even if he doesn't see him. Many kids are spoiled. That doesn't cause them to be violent against others. This is way beyond a parenting issue.

    Please realize this is domestic abuse and call social services to get help.
  6. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    You need to be safe. Call SS
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am very sorry you are living this way. I truly understand and have been there. My son beat the living heck out of me many times also. Mostly to get to his little sister, the object of his rage, but he had to get through me to get to her, and he had no problem with that. I had to make the heartbreaking decision to have him not live with us when he was 14 It literally broke me into pieces in every way.

    My husband and I are married, but my husband really wasn't involved as much. He worked long hours and my son behaved more around my husband. Plus my husband is afraid of anger and hid when my son went off. My husband is afraid he would lose his temper and truly harm my son, which actually could happen. Sadly my son felt that he was then allowed to do what he wanted to me, and boy was he strong for his age. Like you we did psychiatric hospitals and then I reached my limit.

    When my son was 14 I realized that someone was going to end up dead if I didn't make a drastic change. As the adult, it was my job to prevent that. I think you are in that position also. I had the added responsibility of 2 children younger than my difficult child who were targets of the violence that had to be protected.

    I did manage to find a program that would take my son. It sounded amazing. We ended up not taking that route. My father had just retired from teaching junior high and he wanted a chance to try to help my son himself. My mother had also just retired, and my son would have both of them at home full time to parent him. He was not ever violent with my mother. My father taught some of the most violent children his school district had to offer, so I wasn't so much worried about him as he dealt with Crips and Bloods on a daily basis. He spent his career dealing with difficult junior high students, so I figured he had as good a chance as anyone.

    One positive thing bout letting my parents have my son was that they gave me a sincere apology for thinking I had overstated his problems for years. They had NO CLUE what they were getting into. Another is that my son had NO CLUE how truly terrifying his grandmother can be. He thought we respected her because she was older than we were. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.

    I am honestly not sure exactly what turned my son around, except for my father not EVER letting him get away with being violent and making him do hours of yardwork each time he exploded or had a fit. My dad would work with him so he couldn't slack off, and I do mean HOURS of work. I do think having him away from his siblings helped (shortly after my youngest child was born, a psychiatrist told us it would be best for my oldest child to be the only child in the household. We had 3 kids!!) but it was not the only thing that helped.

    I can say that now my son is a great big brother, and a loving son to both my husband and myself. He holds a fulltime job and supports himself. We are very proud of him and have rebuilt our relationship.

    Your son needs more help than you can give him. Spanking NEVER works and only IDIOTS think it works. It has been scientifically proven to create more violent children. Give up on worrying if that would have helped.

    I found the program that I was going to send my son to by making a ton of phone calls. It was hard. i got a notebook and called a pastor I knew. I asked if he knew of any programs for boys who couldn't live at home because they needed help. He didn't. I asked if he knew of anyone who might. He gave me 2 names and phone numbers. I called those and asked them the same thing. Each person I called got a BRIEF version of our story, and I did cry sometimes as I told it. Not for effect, but because it was hard to tell, hard to admit to a stranger, hard to say out loud again and again. But each person got me one step closer to help, and I was willing to do that to get what my child needed.

    If you don't know a pastor, call the school counselor. Call the local Domestic Violence Shelter. Heck, I went to the Domestic Violence Shelter for help. At first they were not sure what to do with me. They got me to an intake person who admitted it was DV, but not the type they had seen before. They came up with a program just for me. This was after my son was out of our house. I needed some counseling because I was pretty messed up. I couldn't be good for my kids until I dealt with being abused.
  8. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Miss P. I want to come grab you and have you stay with me for awhile. You're in an abusive relationship with your child. In no way is this a parenting issue. You did not cause your son to behave this way.

    How old is he now? Where is he currently? Is he taking medication? Does he abuse drugs?


    He is being manipulative.

    I hope that by talking to people here that you can find a way to regain the power in your own life. You deserve to feel safe in your own home. For me, safety is as high a priority as food and shelter.
  9. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I agree. I agree. I agree with everything others have said. You can't be held hostage by an abusive child - any more than you should be held hostage by any abusive indivdual such as a husband.

    I am sure you have mixed feelings of love, worry, compassion, anger, rage and even hatred toward your son. All normal. I have those same feelings for my stepson who is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, placid and sweet until thwarted and then The Incredible Hulk pops out of his shell. He nearly killed my wife by strangulation and has never expressed any remorse whatsoever - has never even apologized even after therapy. He is currently 16 and does not live with us, and never has. He lives with his father, my wife's ex husband.

    You will have plenty of time and opportunity to work through those feelings once you are SAFE. I agree that you are not safe as long as your son is living in your home. I would suggest having him removed from the home by the police. You can call your county's social services hotline to start to get some help. I don't think you mentioned his age, at 18 you can legally put him out. If he is 18 I would put his stuff on the curb and change the locks, and call the cops when he starts banging on the door. I'd also suggest cutting off his access to anything you provide if he is 18, if a minor, you have to give him clothes and a place to sleep but certainly phones, tablets, computers, brand name designers etc are not something you need to give him as long as he is behaving this way.

    Good luck
  10. Miss P

    Miss P New Member

    Thank you all for replying. We live in a small town and everyone knows each other. My son just turned 18 and is now a senior in high school. As far as drugs, he has been suspended from school for smoking marijuana on school grounds when he was in the 10th grade and the principal and teacher told me that he was hanging with a boy that was known for trouble with drugs. He quit football so he rarely leaves the house after school so he don't really hang around this guy after school. I've smelled it on him twice and of course he lied about it. He is currently on probation. Unfortunately, the police only come here and talk to him even though I'm reporting physical violence. When they came Wednesday night AFTER what he did including forcing me to stay locked in a room, they yelled at him, made him take his medicine and threatened him that if they came back, he'd be arrested. Well I had to call them back the very next morning because he hit me in the face. This time they came to talk to him again and I told them he had to leave my home. I asked why didn't they arrest him after he admitted he hit me and snatched my phone? They told they would "turn in the report"??? I DEMANDED that he left my house with them there. The police did make sure that happened.
    I have talked to DHR, counselors, probation officers, begged them to put him in a detention center and it's like nobody takes me serious. I feel cheated by the system. It's almost like they don't believe a child would hurt their parent. I've been pressing my brain trying to figure out how he learned to be this way. I thought this was learned behavior. I honestly grew up watching my mother go through this with my father and I said to myself that I wouldn't let my husband do that to me. After his father and I separated before he was born, I have been living a life of celibacy because I didnt want to take a chance on another man turning out to be violent against me. There have been no other man with me which is why I'm confused about where he learned to be so abusive. He has never seen me go through that. Yelling is not even allowed in our house not even towards our dog whom he really upsets with his behavior.
    I just felt so defeated. The sad part is, he's so intellectually smart that people wouldn't believe this monster lives inside of him. Now I'm going to help myself and this board helped me see my own need for help because we have NO resources for this here.
  11. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Al-Anon is a free 12 step group that will help you learn to detach, they are not affiliated with any particular religious group, but it focuses on spirituality to help us live in the moment and take better care of ourselves. But it seems like your safety is the most important thing and that is shaky at the moment so that is where you should focus to start.

    He is on probation - I would tell his probation officer and ask that he be removed from your home.

    You are not responsible for him being the way he is. I am so sorry you are living through this. I can't believe the police haven't taken him away. You might want to call a domestic violence shelter/hotline in your town, what you are experiencing from your son is domestic violence and that might increase the likelihood of the system taking notice of him and taking some action. You can also press charges and I hope that you do. That will improve your chances of putting him out/getting him somewhere where he will get help.

    Good luck
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This monster lives in each of us. We either feed or starve it. Right now, you are feeding the monster in your son. I know this is harsh to say, but you must come to see it this way. He is a legal adult. You are responsible to act to protect your own safety. There have been multiple acts by him that justify a restraining order, where he will be legally unable to approach your home.

    I would think about obtaining a restraining order, and temporarily possibly getting a roommate, so as to not be alone.

    These are crimes:
    Whether or not the police take him seriously or not, you should. Evict him if necessarily. Demand he leave, with his stuff. Get the restraining order.
    You may be experiencing PTSD as a result of your past. I urge you to go to a domestic violence center, possibly even staying there until your son is out of the house and you feel safe to return.

    You do not deserve this. There are people who will help you until you can take steps to protect yourself.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he is 18, pack his bags. You no longer need the police. Change your locks. Get any security system you can afford.

    I live in a smaller area. Every zip code has a county dept of mental health, most with sliding scale services, some even free. If you have a religion, you can get pastoral counseling. I believe that is usually free. You may have to drive an hour to get to counseling. Do it...its to hard to do this alone. Al Anon is excellent, even if alcohol is not the drug of choice. You are part of a community that understands and wont judge you.

    Your police are shocking and shameful. I am sorry about that. Maybe you needed to press charges.

    If your son didnt see abuse he couldnt have learned it in his environment. When our kids fail, it doesnt always make sense. A lot is genetic. And it could be from his biological father. The cause doesnt really matter. You need protection. That is the main thing. Please keep yourself safe. He is using you as a punching bag, just like an abusive spouse would and you need to end it.
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2017
  14. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    Protect yourself. Kick him out of the house. Get a restraining order. Change the locks if he has a key.

    If you have a newish car, the EMERGENCY button on the key FOB can be pressed if you are being attacked and should start the horn sounding - even if you are in the house.

    Also boats have an "air horn" - get one to summon help. They look like this...

    You can also get an alarm system which has a wireless "panic button" similar to the key FOB for your car. Press it, a siren sounds outside your house and the police are summoned.

    You can also put a lock on your bedroom door and make it a "safe room". Search google.com for safe room.

    And you can take self-defense classes. Can get a can of pepper spray.

    Security is a basic need. Do whatever it takes for you to feel secure in your own home.
  15. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    I'd agree - kick him out and get a restraining order. Then if he comes back the cops would have to do something. Abuse, especially physical violence, is not anything you should tolerate in your life, no matter who it's from.
  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    He is 18. Tell the cops that you want to press charges for assault. Do not give them a choice. Tell them that this is what is GOING TO HAPPEN. Don't let them make the decision. I had the deputies try to tell me that they could not take my under age child out of my house for abusing me or my daughter and I simply said that they had better call a judge because otherwise he was sleeping outside because he was not coming back into my home to terrorize my other kids that night. I had to protect my other kids and was worried about losing custody of them when children's services got involved. They told me that it wasn't going to happen and I told them it sure was. I then told them to put him in the car and backed the one guy up out of my house. I was smaller than he was, in tears, and at the end of my rope. He tried to tell me it was my bad parenting that caused it and oh that was the wrong button for him to push. I sort of lost it on him and threw about 500 pages of therapists notes at him and asked what else we should have done to try to help the kid?

    He called the judge.

    You have the ABSOLUTE legal right to press charges against your son for assaulting you. I strongly recommend it.

    Don't let these idiots tell you that you cannot do it. Get into their faces, calmly, tearily, and insist. Go to the chief of police and ask him why, when you are faced with your much larger child taking your phone after harming you, and taking your phone when you try to call for help (a FELONY in most states) your police won 't do a thing even though your son is 18??? Do they want him to go and beat some other citizen and then have you testify that the police taught him that it was perfectly fine because after all, it was fine to do it at home to his much weaker mom?

    Yes, I would go and ask the chief of police or sheriff that exact question? Your son isn't going to limit this to you. He will get a girlfriend or teacher or friend and do this to them. Then he will be on trial and you will be forced to be honest and you will be asked where he learned this. You will be FORCED to say the COPS taught him by not doing a darn thing when you begged for help. Trust me, this approach might work. Yes, it sort of is blackmail. It is a total public relations nightmare for the police. I would take a thermos of coffee and a book and whatever I needed to be comfortable and sit for hours until the chief or sheriff could speak to me about these officers not doing anything. I would also be calling each and every single time your child harms you.

    Plus I would kick the child to the curb to fend for himself. He can live on the street until he figures out that being violent is NOT the way to get where he wants to go in life. If he wanted to live with you he could keep his hands to himself. He is too old for that nonsense.
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  17. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    I don't know where you live but in a lot of states if there's a charge of domestic violence, the cops HAVE TO take the accused person to jail. There is no discretion. I'd do whatever I had to do to ensure my personal safety, starting with kicking him out, getting a restraining order, and following up ala susiestar above on why he wasn't arrested and charged. At this point your safety is the baseline need you have to have. It comes before anything your son needs or wants.
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  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I would also start to document every single officer's name and badge number, as well as exactly what they tell you as the reason why they cannot or will not do anything - and I would ask them to sign or initial a note that says that they told you that you can't have him removed because of Stupid Reason X (Don't actually call it stupid reason X, write down what they say) and then just ask them to initial it or write their names on it because you want to be able to keep it all straight and not be 'confused'. Then I would go to the state level law enforcement agency when you have a handful of complaints that they won't act on. I would take copies of every scrap of paper and I would ask the state troopers or whomever to look into why the local cops won't help you. The local cops have a DUTY to do their jobs and they are in dereliction of duty if you ask them to do this and they refuse.

    Of course this means you have to follow through, you cannot press charges and then back out. Then no one gets a clear picture of what should happen or how to help. I am NOT NOT NOT saying you are, will or have done that. I am saying that many cops deal with this on a daily basis.

    I so strongly urge you to seek help from a domestic violence service. Even if it is just phone counseling for those late night moments when you feel so weak and beat up and useless that you don't think it is worth going on. I assure you, it really is worth all this fuss and fight. And so are you. Until you can trust yourself, trust us, trust me. I was close to your shoes a few years back. I am a whole lot better now. In time you can get here too.
  19. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think this is all you can do at this point. I would be afraid to fall asleep if I were you. It's the ultimately painful gut-wrenching feeling to surrender your parental rights. Some social workers will tell parents that is the only way the child can get proper help. I would never want to be going through the nightmare you are going through. I think the time has come.
  20. Miss P

    Miss P New Member

    Do you have any suggestions for phone counseling at night because i do go through all those emotions. We just don't have those resources here. I stayed in my car all night one night and called the domestic violence hotline. They did get me in touch with my local organization but they really dealt with partner domestic violence.