Acceptance is oh so hard.........

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by fuddleduddledee, Jun 27, 2009.

  1. fuddleduddledee

    fuddleduddledee New Member

    I always thought that once I'd accepted the fact that difficult child was different that life would move along much as it alway has. I always thought that finally I was over the disappointment of the fact that life would not be the same as others his age, that maturity would take longer, that he would finish high school later, that he would lag behind his peers as he matured. I get it, I accept it.....but, every once in a while I feel my heart stings tug just a little bit, sigh.......... I feel a tear well up inside, deep inside and I send it back to where it came from.

    This June has been tough on me, I seem to be fighting back more tears this time around.

    All the children that started Kindergarten with difficult child are graduating :student: and moving on to bright futures this June and difficult child still has two more years to go to graduate but, he will graduate.

    I am proud of him, don't get me wrong. He has come so far in his lifetime it's just that right now, at this moment, it's hit me yet again, that he is different and may never become a mature, independent man in his own right.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You do have some company. I feel the same way about my Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son. I see other kids wanting to strike out on their own while he doesn't. He'd rather be with us and can't conceive of a time when we are not there for him, yet we can't be there for him forever--we are already in our 50's. Some spectrum kids can live pretty normal lives, so to speak, but L. is different and I hope he can grow enough to at least be independent of us one day. I don't care if he marries or has a great job--I just want to know he'll be all right when we are no longer here. I've learned that even loving siblings move on, make their own families, and probably can't take care of him or even have him live with them. All we can do is hope for the best. Our country isn't the greatest for people with disabilities, but we do have some steps to help them. Not as much as other countries, but there are supports our kids can use as adults.
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel.
    It comes and goes.
    Some days are great, and others are downers.
    Sometimes I'm just happy to get my difficult child out of the house so I can have peace and quiet.
    Sometimes he surprises me with an insightful comment.
    Sometimes ...
    Sigh. Sometimes.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs to you. I can relate. My difficult child is in middle school, still reading at a first grade level and acts much younger than he is. Most days I'm o.k. with it but then there are moments when I think about his future and worry.
  5. ML

    ML Guest

    I totally understand. Mine is going into 5th grade and there's still lots of time so I keep reminding myself to stay positive and have challenged myself to make the next several years count. I think manster will be like your son, he'll make it but it may take a little longer.

    I have connected to an AS moms group locally and have found socializing with them to be a breath of fresh air. We have the same challenges, fears and guarded expectations. It helps me to feel less isolated in concerns.

    Welcome to the CD family, we are here to help one another define a new "normal". Love, ML
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    (((Hugs))) I know exactly how you feel. There are days when I am proud of them for what they have accomplished and moments when I am devastated by what they haven't and might never accomplish. I wish I knew how to stop the occasional tear, if I ever figure it out, I will let you know.
  7. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I don't find acceptance that difficult ~ it's living with the reality of that acceptance. Once I accepted the tweedles various & sundry issues I had to get viable treatment plans in place, decent IEPs & school placements, a treatment team that worked together.

    For me, that has been the hard part. I cannot change what is now....I have to work for my difficult children & their futures.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Logically, I can accept that Miss KT has a disability that may limit her adult life. Emotionally, I struggle with it. Especially when, as you said, your friend's kids are moving happily and successfully along the path to adulthood.
  9. compassion

    compassion Member

    Yes, it can be hard and it is a process and certain thiangs like June can be triggers. Be gentle wit yourslef. (((( )))))). For me, it is a greif process. My daughter is chronically 16 but is on level of about 9-12, depending on the day.
    I have had to lower expectations so much. Lst year, stillthought volleyball scholorsip, 4 year college was realsitc. Now, it is keeping her safe, supported and I celebrte when she is adherent with medications. Today she is kayaking with a famly. She is checking in eith me more an dhas not had major rage is weeks. This is far cry from maintiang competitve volyball stuff, I am still greiving that becasue she does not seem to have a passion.
    It is one day at a time. cceptance is the thing I srive for daily. It is a jouney. So grateful for this board!!!!
  10. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Count me in with everything everyone said.

    Hugs, fellowship and healing to all.

    I think I'll look for an in real life support group too.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    There will always be times when you feel sad and wish, "If only..."

    The best way to defend yourself against them, is to make a note of all the beautiful moments and the lovely things that happen. And there are some...

    Swings and roundabouts. We have a lot of problems to deal with, hurdles to overcome, but underneath it all our children are in so many ways even better than the average human being. They have integrity, honesty, loyalty and a determination to learn how to fit in. Sometimes they find it all too difficult, but underneath it all is a wonderful human being you can be proud of.

  12. Many hugs to you Fuddleduddledee !

    I'm in there with you. My difficult child is 17, almost 18. After many years of searching for help, we finally got his Asperger's diagnosis a couple of years ago. I believe this went on for so long because we live in such a small community and his "differences" were simply accepted and tolerated by the school officials - not his peers , though, that's another story.

    It's been quite an emotional journey for us the last couple of years. My focus is now is for future planning for difficult child after husband and I are gone. We're older parents, and this is a genuine concern. We're having lots of tentative discussions with difficult child about this process, we all have a long way to go there, but at least we have begun!

    I agree with everything that has been said to you - wonderful advice. Marg's thoughts are just so true. I imagine that your difficult child is a lot like ours - he's so honest and loyal. He is truly a beautiful human being! Our easy child recently said of him, in admiration," he's always in a "Zen" state. He's so focussed. He just doesn't worry about small things."

    Last week, when I came home from work, difficult child walked up to me , gave me a big hug and asked me "how was your day Mom?". This is such a milestone. He has never voluntarily hugged me - he gets several hugs a day from us - but it's something that we have always had to work on. I say this to note that I think our kids are on a different maturational wave length. There is much hope. Their lives will never fit into the "average, normal" template. But that has become ok, more than ok, with me. They will be who they are, and offer what they have to the world, and that is a beautiful thing.

    I'm wiping away my tears now.... and hoping this wasn't too sappy for you :)