Against all odds....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by beebz, Jan 7, 2020.

  1. beebz

    beebz Member

    yep, going to do it tomorrow morning. Why? Because I never have. Things never escalated to this level. I've never bailed him out of jail. He's never had a felony. I'm not going to fill this text box with excuses; however, I am detailing my reasoning of my heart, soul and God. I let 250+ calls go ignored to 5 different family members. He knows my love and he knows that is a shocking kick in the teeth to him. He knows I've let go with an attitude of I'm sick of you and what you've done to my life. We both probably know each other too well as mother and son as I was a "friend" and a mother, a strict mother. His father was a playmate and did the old fashioned bringing home the bacon and treating us all royally as his wife and kids.

    Anyway, I took a call this evening. He said "two things. One, I am sorry for the other day - Two - are you getting any of my calls at all? I don't know how this phone thing works and I don't know if you're even getting anything from me" -

    I just let him talk. We talked about nothing much. He didn't ask me for anything. He did say someone put some food money on a card for him but wouldn't bail him out. He talked about his charges. He said people are filing in one after another for charges from July 3rd. Apparently there was a set up. People posing looking for drugs and he walked right into it. They promised him a high paying job and even had him fill out an application and made nice and friendly knowing he was homeless. Then they asked him if he could get "anything" and he hooked them up with a 20 dollar bag of meth. Why the wait till December? I have no clue nor did I ask. Again, I can't see going after a homeless starving nobody. Do they really have nothing but space in the jails for meaningless crimes? What good is his charge? I don't know. He said he was guilty obviously. He really is ignorant to procedure as am I. Later in the conversation when I did bring up bail questions to him; who he knew, how long does he have to stay there, has he talked to his attorney and the like did he think I, or anyone could bail him out right then and there. Our call basically ended, I said I am not putting anymore money on any account and eluded to the possibility of me thinking about getting him out after talking to his dad (which was a lie). I make up my own mind. I don't ask permission to bail my own son out. My husband IS his biological father but simply doesn't show it.

    I'm going to the courthouse tomorrow to meet a bail bondsman. When we spoke of his future on the telephone, he said if/when he does get out (bail), he is going straight to rehab. I will turn him over to "Bob" as Bob and I have been pursuing my sons rehab for over a year now. Waiting until my son was ready.
    Only God knows. I'm just a few bucks right now in the grand plan.

    Do I believe him? How am I supposed to know? None of us really know anything. Doesn't God already have it all planned out?

    I can say, we've never been on this level as a suffering family, possibility of prison sentence, homeless, felon. So, either it does or doesn't work this time and I as a mother and he as my son are going to take that road in life. That chance. Whether we go one mile or take a trip around the world remains to be seen. The odds are low but God willing, the son and I can live the next 40+ decades rehabilitated. I do know that this will be the end of the road, for both of us if he fails. He will go to a bad bad bad place and I will not give up my husbands riches to even attempt to fix the level that I hope to never see. I won't take everything my husband worked for all his life, towards our retirement for no fancy lawyer and/or the like to save my son from prison. The future is not here, neither is the past, I have this moment in time and this is the moment and now is the time, for his last piece of my soul blessed TO my son FROM my God.

    I don't want to sit here and say - you're going to be snookered, its all the same, he did it before, he'll do it again, if their lips are moving they are lying, he fed you hook line and sinker AGAIN, same crap different day, is that what he's telling you this time? His flesh to me is worth this one last time where I participate. I say last time because the future holds no more money for the level of trouble he'd be in if he fouls this one up. At that point, my hands will be tied. The well will be dry.

    Yep, I don't think I'll sleep tonight.
    ......the power of prayer.........~beebz
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  2. MissLulu

    MissLulu Member

    Hugs Beebz, I'm praying for you and your son. You have to do what your heart tells you is right. I support you, no matter what your choice. I will be here to listen whenever you need an ear. I'm so very sorry you are suffering like this.
  3. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I have been there we just can't let go of that hope. It is your choice no one can make it for you. Each of us reaches our breaking point in our own time. Maybe you won't have too. Either way we will be here. Good luck.
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    When you have kids with problems - you do what you can live with. No more, no less. We are hard-wired to try to help them and sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. Then you again do what you can live with.

    Rehab looks good to the PA and judge generally. You may want to look into the public defender though - some states (mine) will drop a client if they are not in jail. They figure if they can bail out, they can get a lawyer. You may have to go to court to say you won't do that.

    You're in my prayers.
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  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I wouldn't want him in jail, either, but when he threatened to take the girls forever, that would have been it for me. I would have written him off forever after that.

    Please take care of yourself and your health. This is painful to go through.
  6. Nandina

    Nandina Member

    Hi Crayola, I think you might have missed the post (and I can’t find it) where Beebz replied to you and said that no, her son wasn’t threatening to take the girls forever, but rather was pleading with her to say sort of, ( not a direct quote) “I’ll do anything...I’ll even take the girls off your hands if that’s what it takes!”

    I’m glad she clarified that, as I too, at first thought it was the other.

    Peace to everyone on this site in whatever difficult decisions you face dealing with your difficult kids. You are not alone.
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  7. Overwhelmed 61

    Overwhelmed 61 Peace ☮️ and Love ♥️

    Beebz, I am behind you 100%. You need to follow your heart. I don't know which is worse in the "what ifs" we find ourselves pondering. What if I would have done this or that, what if I hadn't done this or that? We cannot see into the future. We cannot go back to the past. You are in the now, dealing with what is happening at the moment with where you are at, at the moment.
    My prayers are with you and your son.

    Peace and Love
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Dear beebz

    I think differently about this because of so many years working in prisons; about half the time or more in reception centers, where men would wait to be processed to fan out to prisons throughout the state where they would serve their time.

    I am writing this because even in a maximum security prison, sitting there, waiting to go to trial is not so bad for most guys. In some of my jobs I would speak to 30 guys a day or more, exactly in this position. Some of them I'd spend an hour or two with them, to evaluate. I think I got a sense of what they were going through. Sometimes there was manipulation involved. I think I got a picture of how they felt. It wasn't so bad. Really.

    The worst of it was this: Most of the guys seemed to stay in reception center close to 6 months. That means they are close to 24 hours a day in their cells, with time out only for medical reasons, for required classification activities and to go to "yard." Where I would work, the inmates ate in their cells, too.

    As I look at this, I realize this description might scare you. I meant it to be reassuring. I don't know what is wrong with me.

    What the typical inmate does in a cell over those months is read and have fun. Many read the bible. There are library carts that bring books. The men are raucous. They talk. They play, hoot and holler. They play cards. They do crafts.

    After an initial adjustment period the stress is lower than you would think, unless there is a mismatch with a cellee. Your son strikes me as somebody who can hold his own. He seems like he's relatively easy-going and gets along with people. He sounds "street smart" so he's not going to act in ways that make him a target. All of this bodes well.

    I can't speak to what jail is like, to whether or not there is greater freedom of movement or not.

    This post is NOT to write a treatise on prison but to put forth what some of my own concerns would be. I do not have the same fear of prison or jail as do many people because I have spent so many years within them. I would worry more about your son being outside.

    While he is inside he is largely protected. From other inmates and most importantly from himself.

    He is an addict. To me, the likelihood he would relapse if he is on bail, has to be considered. Why? Because the addiction is in charge. Relapse is the default. Not to say that he won't in time recover but even with intention and effort relapse occurs. He will be under a lot of pressure. Pressure can be positive. It can be negative too.

    You don't know how much his wanting to get out...has to do with drug seeking. I would guess a lot.

    Then there is another factor. You.
    This is a lot of pressure. A lot of "do or die." As I said earlier, while nobody can know just what will happen, I believe there is a reasonable likelihood that anybody, will relapse, at least once, even with intensive, good treatment.

    Do you want to be, do you want him to be in this "do or die" place? While jail may feel horrible to you and to him, there are worse things. And his being out on bail does nothing to mitigate the real possibility of incarceration if he is convicted. Do you really want to risk this? If he is on bail, this opens up the possibility he may abscond, relapse, or even what Lil mentions, that it would call into question his legal defense.

    I would not want you to be in a place where you would feel you'd have to withhold support in the future because your son "failed" at this. Failed is the wrong word. I am searching for a better word and can't find it.

    Like others have said, and you have said, nobody here gets a vote, except you. And it could well be the right answer to get bail. I just don't know.

    I'll say one more thing here. Your son clear as day did this offense. He says it. He did it. It is a true thing what you say, that he was vulnerable and essentially innocent. I might go further and say he was set up.

    But the thing is this: that he is in jail and awaiting court is a natural consequence of his lifestyle, and his actions. Do you want to take this away? To make it go away? Is the consequence, some consequence, not part of the deal? I guess I would be doing what you're contemplating. I would start out all bluster and I would cave, real, real quick. (I just did, in the circumstance I'm living through.) But the penal system was not involved.

    What your son is facing in my mind is a real gift. All of it. The time out from life. The space that's opened up for him to contemplate. The rude awakening. All of it. Do you want to take it away?

    With all my heart I wish you and your son were not in this spot. But he is. And thus you are. Sometimes in life acceptance of the reality of things, makes sense. Just settling in. And feeling what is. This is what I think your son will benefit from. Settling into the reality of what his life has been, is at this moment and can be.

    Please let me apologize for all of this. You did not ask me for what I think. You have my support. I would feel bad if I did not offer you my perspective. And for this, I say I'm sorry for overstepping.
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    Last edited: Jan 13, 2020
  9. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Copa, that is one of the most powerful posts I have ever read and it resonates clear through me.
    So much insight and in my opinion truth. Wow. Just wow.
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  10. beebz

    beebz Member

    ooo, I'm so busy and going to write this in a hurry. I don't want to get caught where I hide, live and love lately lol (this site)
    Copa - (wants to do all caps but won't)
    PLEASE DO NOT ever apologize to me for overstepping again (of which you did not) I love you and all that you are.
    I DID ask you for what you think. That is why I am here. Say anything you want; its you, your words mean everything to me.
    I'll write more later, but you took a lot of time, thought and compassion to write to me and I would never get upset with you for that regardless if I agree or not - I AM looking for any and all replies. You are a gift to me whether or not you know it. This is the full circle. In spite of our reasons for being here, we all got to meet one another which is the secret blessing to all of this. We have each other.

    NANDINE - Thank you so much for clarifying that. You are correct, exactly.

    PS. My son is here right now and all is well. We have an appointment tonight for placement in long term rehab or the like. I'm excited. We stayed up late talking, crying and really enjoying each others conversation. He DID come out of prison beat up - he is suspected to be a narc by the inmates. Crazy.

    It wasn't as smooth as it seems. I went to the loo and to smoke(after I posted bail) and he showed up, signed his ROR and left in shock thinking I bailed him out and went right home. I rode around in shock after 3 hours thinking he bailed on me. He truly was running down alleys fearing for his life, finding the library, and texting me finally. We met up and were both relieved and headed home. I thought he snookered me and he thought I deserted him. So emotional yesterday that we both couldn't hold our eyes open at the end of the day/night/into and after midnight ! !

    Much love to all of you
  11. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Exactly. So glad to be here. Wishing only the best for turning a page. Long term rehab and your sons willingness is a positive sign. Love and light.
  12. JMom

    JMom Active Member


    Hows the boy? Did you get him settled in?
  13. beebz

    beebz Member

    Doing well for now, loving all the family time with him and his daughters. AA or church tonight and still waiting for the judge to allow him to go to 13 months of rehab. Its so nice to have him here and sober, kind, loving and dang funny. He is one funny dude !

    baby steps !

    again - here in a hurry - don't want anyone looking over my shoulder !
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  14. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Beebz, enjoy this and I will pray that everything continues to move forward.
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  15. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Copa dear,
    I "ditto" this - what Busy said about your post above.
    Thank you very much for this powerful post! ... Very timely for me, and what I needed to hear from you.
    Mahalo and take care. Kalahou.
  16. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Beebz. I am following along. Enjoy this moment of things going well.
    We never know if perhaps this will be the time the difficult son (I have one, too) will be ready himself and want to make changes to be good to himself.
    Thoughts and prayers. Kalahou