I'm reading around again and deriving some comfort from it. I could complain about the process of waiting for a bed to become ready for my 16 year old difficult child, but the real issue is maybe this: I have a hard time believing anyone. I don't want to be hard and skeptical.... but he got the bed today and his father agreed to take him in and.... probably I have a lot of misplaced emotion. But I have been elated, saggy, distracted, apprehensive, unsure..... trying to be ok with having no idea what is happening, what will stick, what tomorrow might be like. I almost went home first to check and see if difficult child was really not there before I went and bought myself a bottle of wine, which I would really enjoy a glass of every now and then but is generally too much trouble to keep at the house because it has to be hidden.... not relaxing- just more stress. But, I did buy the wine. Then I went home and called to check in and (obviously? I should I have known?) there was a snag and the place didn't admit because he was low on a medication and they don't have a psychiatrist coming in for 2 weeks. I feel irritated. I feel irritated that when they called this am to say they had a bed they said, and you have physical ready, right? They actually never told me that he needed one but I anticipated and did have one ready. I don't like that my thinking 20 paces ahead paid off- I prefer it when I see that as dysfunctional behavior on my part. I don't want to have to try and control and prepare for 12 outcomes at the same time because 1 of the 12 might happen... that is how I have been living and it's too hard. Which accounts for the elated part of having a bed. He's really only agreed to stay one night and it's not locked and he will be another couple months or more before I can get it court ordered- so I really, really don't know what is going to happen. What will be next. I feel sad that I'm not relaxing right now. I tucked the wine away to celebrate?? ... does NOT seem like the right word... maybe tomorrow night. Maybe I'll be able to square away the medications. Maybe they will give the bed to someone else. I don't like limbo. I don't feel comfortable with my irritation at this place because they are, after all, taking my kid and I am also grateful. If the medication thing had been explained to me in advance I could have been ready. I feel angry. Maybe he will be compliant again tomorrow and go back, maybe not. Trying to find the peace in right now. This moment. Everyone is safe. His father isn't fighting me, difficult child has basically lost to me- if not now then in a couple months things will be court ordered (I think), but he seems to accept that this inpatient thing is happening. I also just found out that I won't be able to see him for a month. It's really hard to keep rooted in myself- I don't know how I feel about that. Anxious, relieved, abandoned... too many signals coming in at once. I think a strategy for that is to just pick any particular emotion and feel it, let it pass. But I'm not up to that really. Think I'm going to just watch tv.