almost admitted


I'm reading around again and deriving some comfort from it.

I could complain about the process of waiting for a bed to become ready for my 16 year old difficult child, but the real issue is maybe this: I have a hard time believing anyone. I don't want to be hard and skeptical.... but he got the bed today and his father agreed to take him in and.... probably I have a lot of misplaced emotion. But I have been elated, saggy, distracted, apprehensive, unsure..... trying to be ok with having no idea what is happening, what will stick, what tomorrow might be like. I almost went home first to check and see if difficult child was really not there before I went and bought myself a bottle of wine, which I would really enjoy a glass of every now and then but is generally too much trouble to keep at the house because it has to be hidden.... not relaxing- just more stress. But, I did buy the wine. Then I went home and called to check in and (obviously? I should I have known?) there was a snag and the place didn't admit because he was low on a medication and they don't have a psychiatrist coming in for 2 weeks. I feel irritated. I feel irritated that when they called this am to say they had a bed they said, and you have physical ready, right? They actually never told me that he needed one but I anticipated and did have one ready. I don't like that my thinking 20 paces ahead paid off- I prefer it when I see that as dysfunctional behavior on my part. I don't want to have to try and control and prepare for 12 outcomes at the same time because 1 of the 12 might happen... that is how I have been living and it's too hard. Which accounts for the elated part of having a bed. He's really only agreed to stay one night and it's not locked and he will be another couple months or more before I can get it court ordered- so I really, really don't know what is going to happen. What will be next. I feel sad that I'm not relaxing right now. I tucked the wine away to celebrate?? ... does NOT seem like the right word... maybe tomorrow night. Maybe I'll be able to square away the medications. Maybe they will give the bed to someone else. I don't like limbo. I don't feel comfortable with my irritation at this place because they are, after all, taking my kid and I am also grateful. If the medication thing had been explained to me in advance I could have been ready. I feel angry. Maybe he will be compliant again tomorrow and go back, maybe not. Trying to find the peace in right now. This moment. Everyone is safe. His father isn't fighting me, difficult child has basically lost to me- if not now then in a couple months things will be court ordered (I think), but he seems to accept that this inpatient thing is happening. I also just found out that I won't be able to see him for a month. It's really hard to keep rooted in myself- I don't know how I feel about that. Anxious, relieved, abandoned... too many signals coming in at once. I think a strategy for that is to just pick any particular emotion and feel it, let it pass. But I'm not up to that really. Think I'm going to just watch tv.


one day at a time
Day, I'm glad you are here, and I want you to know that we are here for you. Just reading your post, the pace of your post, the words, I could feel your nerves. You are on the ragged edge, of course you are. It sounds like you are going through a lot with your child and you are not in control of so many things. That is hard.

It's one thing to let go of our kids, and another to put their lives and their futures in the hands of strangers and to not know what's going to happen next.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Reading your post made me think of something that happened to me today.

I had to go to the dentist to get a composite filling replaced. It fell out Sunday. The place where it was, was an exposed root. It didn't really hurt, but cold things and air hitting it made me wince multiple times over the past 48 hours. I was glad to get to my appointment today. But I really don't like going to the dentist anymore. In fact, I start to tense up just sitting in the chair waiting on the dentist to get there. And today, the assistant was particularly uninvolved with the fact that I was even there. She led me to the room and basically said nothing to me. She didn't look me in the eye. She didn't look at my tooth. She didn't say, "the dentist will be in, in a few minutes." She shuffled some papers and then she left. I waited 15 minutes. Finally, the dentist, a woman I like, came in.

And she started by putting two shots in my mouth. The first one really hurt. The second not so much. Then, for the next hour, she patched and polished and drilled and did whatever she does.

It didn't hurt but it was uncomfortable and the drill was really loud. Multiple times I caught myself holding my breath. My hands were clenched together. I was completely stiff in the chair.

As soon as I realized this, I decided to try something different. I leaned in. I leaned in to what was happening. I started taking deep breaths. Immediately I felt better. My shoulders relaxed. I was calmer inside. The drilling didn't bother me as much.

I ran toward the situation. I quit trying to resist it. I just leaned in.

I did this based on the reading I am doing, in trying to accept my son. I am reading Pema Chodron's Living with Uncertainty.

I wasn't going to control what was happening in the dentist's chair today. There was nothing I could do. I was captive to the circumstances. I needed her. I needed to get done what she could do for me. I just had to endure it.

So instead of just stiffening up against what was happening, I decided to lean in. This was something really different for me, as in the past few years I have noticed that I just don't like going to the dentist anymore, as I said. Even for cleanings. I go, but I don't like to go.

Day, I learned something new from Chodron's book. She talks about accepting what is. It's so, so hard to do as we watch and grieve what is happening with our precious children. Whatever the pain is.

What would happen if we worked on leaning in? We spent the time, energy, emotion on us. On helping ourselves. Instead of trying to stop our kids from doing whatever it is they are doing. Instead of trying to control others we have to deal with.

Instead, we just stop. We start breathing again. We start taking the small steps to help ourselves.

We can't control these circumstances we are in, Day. You can't control the hospital. Your son. His father. You can try to anticipate and be prepared and make plans. But there will still be surprises, and delays and things you and we didn't expect or prepare for. And we are so tired of it all. We just want to sit and enjoy that glass of wine.

You deserve that glass of wine. And a bubble bath. And a bunch of fresh flowers on your kitchen table. And a walk in the park on the next sunny day. And the chance to breathe.

RE talks about learning to be kind to ourselves, to show our own selves that compassion. Then, we can relax more into whatever is going to happen. If we don't do the work on US first, we can't do the other work.

Tonight, Day, go watch that TV show. Take a bath. Rub lotion on your feet. Do some nice things for YOU. Just for an hour or two, focus on you. Breathe. Let's do it together. We both need it. We all deserve it. It is the path back to sanity for us all.

Hugs and prayers and blessings for you from me tonight. We get it. Keep coming back. We understand.