Almost There

[Carolita2]

Son's car has a blown head gasket..Too much money to be fixed..Son and girlfriend are very down..he has the flu..utilities are off in the apartment. With no car, they must leave most of their belongings behind when they vacate in 12 days. This is painful for them and us. there is a lot of grief that comes up for my husband and I. They were unable to get to soup kitchen..live in sprawling city, everything is miles apart and they were trying to get food stamps..Did I mention that we live on opposite coasts and haven't seen him in 2 years. It is so hard when they are in a weakened state and really down. Much easier when he is manipulative, angry and in his behaviors.
Truth is he is on suboxone.. and has been for several years, very low dose. It works well for him..He relapses once a year approximately, oddly enough in the summer, a week or two then back on track..but not really..he is never really on track, and is low functioning even off the heroin..same behavior..no work ethic, manipulative, loves to hike, enjoy nature, a little cooking, play guitars...like retirement in your thirties..so he will go homeless and struggle like hell, not even while not using or using illicitly..
We blew it today and gave them a little money for food..I feel guilty writing this as it seems like mostly everyone is past this..Are you? Or do some of you sometimes have weak moments and do this stuff..we are only human..
We have done really hard things in the last couple of months..terminated lease, stopped paying bills...no contact at night, and limited contact during the day and often only a text..The drama trauma of talking to them is too much...
Started yoga again..have good friends that are reaching out and asking me to do enjoyable things..I am an artist as well and have produced very little work in the past year since we became involved in helping my son and his girlfriend. We have not been living our own lives...... a cardinal sign of codependency...and the exhaustion....
Planning to a trip to museum on Friday,,,keeping things in order, the house, the yard the other family members that we help out.
In my heart I know that all that is coming to pass, must be...why I am feeling guilty.......afraid that the message we worked so hard to send was negated by that one act today...

 

[New Leaf]

This is painful for them and us. there is a lot of grief that comes up for my husband and I.

The grief is so difficult my dear, it feels as if there is no finality to it,
because our D-cs are still physically present on this earth, just drifting, drifting.
They have gone far off the path that we envisioned for them.
So we are grieving over many things, really.
Loss, not only for them, but for us.
Over and over in our minds, we are witnessing their desperation.
And ours.
This is why it is so difficult to detach.
We feel that we can somehow fix this.

Truth is, they have to want to fix this themselves.
It is not enough for us to keep on trying and trying,
because they have not begun to see their own
endless possibilities beyond addiction.
Just as we, thrown into a state of despair,
do not see it ourselves.
So we continue to try to help.
All along this process, it is not up to us
it is up to them.
We will not be around forever.
They have got to find a way to stand on their own two feet.
If we look at this thusly,
then we begin to see that if we enable until we die
what is to become of them? What will they do
when we are no longer here to help?
If we want them to be able to cope
to survive and thrive
we must take steps now
to give them their wings.
And their wings work.

Did I mention that we live on opposite coasts and haven't seen him in 2 years. It is so hard when they are in a weakened state and really down. Much easier when he is manipulative, angry and in his behaviors.

Weakened and down,
is still manipulative.
There is help out there.
You are not the only beacon.

like retirement in your thirties..so he will go homeless and struggle like hell, not even while not using or using illicitly..

Retirement in their thirties, yes my oldest is this. We all have to make our way, to eek out a living. They need to learn this, to accept it, to live it.
The struggle is the end result of choices.
It is a lesson. Lessons can be hard, each of us taking away from the learning of it, to repeat the lesson, or to try something different, even better perhaps.

We blew it today and gave them a little money for food..I feel guilty writing this as it seems like mostly everyone is past this..Are you? Or do some of you sometimes have weak moments and do this stuff..we are only human..

Oh Carolita, don't be so hard on yourself. This is a difficult journey. We are directed by our hearts to try to help in some way. It takes some time to figure it all out.

We have done really hard things in the last couple of months..terminated lease, stopped paying bills...no contact at night, and limited contact during the day and often only a text..The drama trauma of talking to them is too much...

You have done exceptionally well. This is all new for you, and them. Change is not easy. Yes, the drama of contact, gut wrenching indeed. They are very, very good at making us lament their path with them.

Started yoga again..have good friends that are reaching out and asking me to do enjoyable things..I am an artist as well and have produced very little work in the past year since we became involved in helping my son and his girlfriend. We have not been living our own lives...... a cardinal sign of codependency...and the exhaustion....

I am glad you are starting yoga, that is one of my goals.
A network of supportive friends is awesome.
I am an artist as well, dabble in all sorts of stuff. I went back to my clay class after a long hiatus.
I have discovered that imagining and creating is an important part of self expression for me.

I know the feeling of giving up living our life.
I didn't realize it, swallowed up I was, with desperation for my D-cs.
I was absolutely drowning in the exhaustion of it.

Planning to a trip to museum on Friday,,,keeping things in order, the house, the yard the other family members that we help out.

This is wonderful Carolita, you have a life to live, to live to the fullest. We, too are organizing, trying to put the pieces back together. It is a catharsis to make things neat and orderly, especially after living a life of disarray in the shadow of our d-cs addiction.

In my heart I know that all that is coming to pass, must be...why I am feeling guilty.......afraid that the message we worked so hard to send was negated by that one act today...

No dear, not negated. It took much strength and courage for you to make the huge changes you have made.
Your son will go through his ups and downs due to this change
and so will you.
Change does not come easy
sometimes one giant step forward
two little steps back.
As time wears on,
you will be stronger even.

You are not alone, we have all been where you are. You are doing so very well, dear.
Keep up the faith.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Carolita2]

The grief is so difficult my dear, it feels as if there is no finality to it,
because our D-cs are still physically present on this earth, just drifting, drifting.
They have gone far off the path that we envisioned for them.
So we are grieving over many things, really.
Loss, not only for them, but for us.
Over and over in our minds, we are witnessing their desperation.
And ours.
This is why it is so difficult to detach.
We feel that we can somehow fix this.

Truth is, they have to want to fix this themselves.
It is not enough for us to keep on trying and trying,
because they have not begun to see their own
endless possibilities beyond addiction.
Just as we, thrown into a state of despair,
do not see it ourselves.
So we continue to try to help.
All along this process, it is not up to us
it is up to them.
We will not be around forever.
They have got to find a way to stand on their own two feet.
If we look at this thusly,
then we begin to see that if we enable until we die
what is to become of them? What will they do
when we are no longer here to help?
If we want them to be able to cope
to survive and thrive
we must take steps now
to give them their wings.
And their wings work.


Weakened and down,
is still manipulative.
There is help out there.
You are not the only beacon.


Retirement in their thirties, yes my oldest is this. We all have to make our way, to eek out a living. They need to learn this, to accept it, to live it.
The struggle is the end result of choices.
It is a lesson. Lessons can be hard, each of us taking away from the learning of it, to repeat the lesson, or to try something different, even better perhaps.


Oh Carolita, don't be so hard on yourself. This is a difficult journey. We are directed by our hearts to try to help in some way. It takes some time to figure it all out.
You have done exceptionally well. This is all new for you, and them. Change is not easy. Yes, the drama of contact, gut wrenching indeed. They are very, very good at making us lament their path with them.

I am glad you are starting yoga, that is one of my goals.
A network of supportive friends is awesome.
I am an artist as well, dabble in all sorts of stuff. I went back to my clay class after a long hiatus.
I have discovered that imagining and creating is an important part of self expression for me.

I know the feeling of giving up living our life.
I didn't realize it, swallowed up I was, with desperation for my D-cs.
I was absolutely drowning in the exhaustion of it.

This is wonderful Carolita, you have a life to live, to live to the fullest. We, too are organizing, trying to put the pieces back together. It is a catharsis to make things neat and orderly, especially after living a life of disarray in the shadow of our d-cs addiction.


No dear, not negated. It took much strength and courage for you to make the huge changes you have made.
Your son will go through his ups and downs due to this change
and so will you.
Change does not come easy
sometimes one giant step forward
two little steps back.
As time wears on,
you will be stronger even.

You are not alone, we have all been where you are. You are doing so very well, dear.
Keep up the faith.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

Thanks leafy for your reply..I am a perfectionist and not doing this perfectly just gives me a reason to get down on myself..The truth be known, I am an adult child of an alcoholic and a narcissistic mother..Definitely belong on FOO..and will get there eventually..have done lots of work on it but obviously have more to do..Never goes away, just baby steps..
I like when you talked about the lessons THEY must look learn and that the struggles are a result of their choices...it is a gift to them, to let them go..That's square one...How they deal with it from that point on is completely their property.
Our property is our grief and turning our attention back to us..I mean alot of the grief is obvious, as parents we love our children and grieve what could have been. But for hubs and I there is more...that's where our own stuff comes in. I was raised to accommodate an angry father, we all were..Only his needs mattered..We didn't..much the way we behave the Difficult Child..He matters more than we..
So here we are, breaking the pattern and hopefully changing our future.
Hugs to you leafy...for your kind and accepting thoughts..
As my dear friend says "resume"..Let yesterday go and start new today!
Carolita

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Carolita,

How are you doing today?

Just wanted to day, our main reason for being on this forum is to support each other. You don't have to feel bad about giving your son some money this weekend. We have all been there.

Stay close, Carolita. It's a tough time for you right now.

Apple

 

[AppleCori]

Wow, sorry about son's car. Maybe a bus pass would work better for them right now?

Sometimes homeless services will give these out.

Sounds like the girlfriend is waking up to the reality of the situation. That is good. Did she start the job?

 

[Carolita2]

Wow, sorry about son's car. Maybe a bus pass would work better for them right now?

Sometimes homeless services will give these out.

Sounds like the girlfriend is waking up to the reality of the situation. That is good. Did she start the job?

Hi, this is very challenging..I am living my life on the one hand, often with a troubled heart on the inside..Some days I have long periods of detachment..for which I am grateful.
To answer your question apple, not as far as I know. She seems,to be involved with trying to get cash assistance, which is very tedious she says...my son called in the middle of the night, which we didn't know til morning as we shut off phones all night..he was worried about his father and apparently had a nightmsre? Childlike...softening the target for something?
The bus pass idea is pure genius and girlfriend's dad and we will buy each of them month pass..on line..
I am still trying to get someone to remove the car from the repair shop. Hard to do from away over here..
Nothing that we can see is happening and the countdown is 9 days!!!!
Can't think about it..We are thinking about going away for 2 days. At that time...changing it up like that helps me cause I have to focus more in a new place on other things..
I do have to stay close to you guys, VERY few people get it like you.

Carolita

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Carolita,

Are you just going to junk the car? Is it in your name?

I know there are several charitable organizations that will take a nonworking car and give you a tax write-off. KarsforKids is one. There is a charity for the blind also. And many more.

If it is in your son's name, there is nothing you can do about it. The garage will eventually junk it if no one picks it up. I wouldn't worry about it, if this is the case.

A bus pass is a good idea and one that I would support paying for, at least for a month. They won't have any excuses for not looking for jobs, getting assistance, etc.

I don't think cash assistance is too difficult to get. She will probably have to go into the office at an assigned time, but it's not like she is really busy right now! Too bad she is not more focused on getting a job!

Live your life, Carolita.

You can't fix theirs.

Apple

 

[AppleCori]

Yes, it is manipulation.

Adults don't call their parents when they have a nightmare.

If he was really concerned about his dad, he wouldn't burden him with his problems and manipulations.

 

[Carolita2]

Yes, it is manipulation.

Adults don't call their parents when they have a nightmare.

If he was really concerned about his dad, he wouldn't burden him with his problems and manipulations.

Found way

 

[Carolita2]

Found way

Honestly I feel good about not having a car registered in my name with an extremely irresponsible person driving it in another state..shows you how far off the reservation I had gone...
Am in the process of taking care of car disposal..
No word from them so no bus,pass. When we try to get in touch, it's catch as catch can..When they want to get in touch with us it's stalking and "where have you been!"
Taking a break from all this for a day or two...

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Carolita, this is all so hard. Hope you are doing well and finding time to rejuvenate.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Childofmine]

Carolita, I just read this whole thread, and I wanted to encourage you in your progress. You have made remarkable progress in just a few weeks. Stop right now for a minute, and pat yourself on the back. it's about Progress, not Perfection. And this stuff is very very hard. We are breaking a lifelong habit, we are doing something that is counter-intuitive and counter-cultural. We are stopping being their mommy. It is necessary, and it is very hard when they keep on pulling and tugging at us. With PCs (perfect children, tongue in cheek), it's easier because they are pulling away and we have to let them go. With DCs, it is much harder to turn out back on the siren mommy call.

even in my 12 step, no one is currently dealing with a child with active using..

I have been active in Al-Anon for the past five years. It has literally saved me and has given me a life like I never knew before.

A lot of times, you won't know the story of everybody. Go to some different meetings. I was there, and my son was in active addiction (in jail, homeless multiple times, suicide threats...on and on).

I learned to stop enabling but I had to work hard...I mean real daily work...and it took me several years and it also took working through my profound grief. The grief work was particularly helpful in moving me from there...to here. And it still goes on.

Are you? Or do some of you sometimes have weak moments and do this stuff..we are only human..

Absolutely. I used to give my son food when he was homeless. We can only do what we can live with Carolita. I count it as a blessing that you two live on different coasts. Having a lot of physical distance really helps when you start working your own program to stop enabling.

Started yoga again..have good friends that are reaching out and asking me to do enjoyable things..

This is key to your improvement. Start living your own life. At first it will be very hard, but as you grow and work and grieve and start to heal, this gets easier.

I had to first see that my helping wasn't helping. Nothing had changed. I was absolutely a wreck. I was so sick and tired of it all and filled with pain and resentment and grief and exhaustion, and I HAD to do something different. I couldn't keep on doing the same thing over and over again. My son was intractable.

Then I had to see that I actually was harming him. Taking care of things for other people ROBS THEM...yes robs them...of the chance to take charge of their own lives. I had to see that my love would eventually kill him----if not physically, then virtually.

Once you start seeing truths like this and then learning to live into them...you gain more strength to keep on changing.

It is the hardest work of my life, telling my son No over and over and over again. Going no contact except for one 10-minute phone call a week within a certain time period on a certain day. That is what it had to get to, before things started to change. Very strong boundaries, things that would have been previously unfathomable.

Other books: CoDependent No More (Melody Beattie) and Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend). Very practical books. Other, very good books: anything by Brene Brown and anything by Pema Chodron. Al-Anon Literature.

I read and journaled and got an Al-Anon sponsor, and took naps and a lot of quiet time to cry and feel my pain and grief and talked to trusted friends.

It takes time.

Another key learning was realizing that feelings aren't facts. Al-Anon puts legs on this idea that at first I just rushed past. I had always been a person who functioned out of feelings. Always. I had to learn that even though I was devastated about my son's life, I could unhook those feelings from my actions. In the past i couldn't stand feeling so bad so I took action so I WOULD FEEL BETTER. It was really very largely about me and what I could tolerate. Once I saw this truth, I started working to deal with my feelings, wait, not act, let days go by (going no or little contact for a while gives you the space and time to do this work)...and I have learned a great deal about feelings now. What they are and what they are not.

We are here for you on this forum and others. Please keep sharing. We understand so very well the journey you are on and we are here to walk beside you.

Warm hugs this morning. You are doing the right thing.

 

[Carolita2]

Hello childofmine,
Thanks for reading my story...I can relate to what you have to say...
I have been active in Alanon for many years...but of those years I was just surviving, at a heart level totally caught up in the drama not understanding detachment at all..
i am getting that now on a whole new level..Partly from exhaustion, partly from listening more and understanding powerlessness.
I like what you said about feelings not being facts..I have told myself stories and lived in the pain of these stories outcomes that never happened..some things did happen, some were worse than the imagined, some were better, some never came to pass.
I still fight to not go to that place of intense fear and pain from which I reacted and took action and attempted to fix all that was wrong in this life. It never dawned on me that the solutions were mine and how for much of his life my husband and I tried to solve his problems...The truth is he made bad decisions or none at all and not being able to sit through those consequences, we intervened. At 13 years old he began to get into trouble, smoking pot at the church camp, sneaking out his bedroom window and night and hanging out with an older kid, smoking pot...He did one semester at a private high school, we thought the smaller classes would help and the discipline. He was asked to leave for not keeping up academically..due to the lifestyle he was living.. we tried everything to help him but it was as if we just couldn't reach him...We tried counseling, treatment for ADD, trying to get him to continue with piano lessons and sports...He wasn't interested and he was distracted. He went to the public high school in one part of our town and was kicked out..He went to the other high school. Everyday there was some time of calamity..Finally the principle called us to his office in my son's junior year and told us he would never graduate and earning a GED was his best shot..It wasn't that he wasn't bright, he was extremely bright..I think this is when he began to give up..If I'm so smart why am I earning a GED..then you could see him sink lower, why bother...convincing himself that it didn't matter to him and turning to drugs completely.
There is a huge amount of pain, grief involved in this but really there has been since all those years ago when we watched his pain and frustration and tried to show him the way, guide him. He's done rehabs and jail, even had 3 or 4 good years in the mix completed 1.5 years of college, only to relapse..
In nine days my son and girlfriend will walk away from the apartment they lived in for almost a year...with no money, no car, no suboxone for him, no money..the dismantling of all that we put together for them...He is grieving, it is hard to talk to him..He still tries to manipulate..
So what will be left of their lives is real..it is the result of all that they did not do and continue to not do.. work, pay bills, call social service agencies, go to recovery meeting, clean their apartment..
I worry that he will not be able to cope and will give up entirely...not being able to face and do what needs to be done to survive..
But it's come to the place where we now understand more and more everyday that it is his journey..
I want to be happy...I want my energy back..I want my life back...I am taking it back..
We love him more than anything...I wish I could see him, talk to him, make him his favorite meal...instead of this painful letting go, knowing he is suffering but if nothing changes, nothing changes..So we are doing this for him and for ourselves...really didn't want to get into all this..maybe I needed to empty some of this to move forward..Carolita

 

[New Leaf]

Dearest Carolita,
I am amazed at your strength and resolve. This is hard.

So here we are, breaking the pattern and hopefully changing our future.
Hugs to you leafy...for your kind and accepting thoughts..
As my dear friend says "resume"..Let yesterday go and start new today!

Yes, resume. Deep breaths.

Hi, this is very challenging..I am living my life on the one hand, often with a troubled heart on the inside..Some days I have long periods of detachment..for which I am grateful.

It is living as if a zombie sometimes, going through the motions. There is hustle and bustle around us, but we are still, with our thoughts of our d cs. These are the tough times, but as we let go and let a higher power take on the heavy load, it starts to lighten inside of us, too.

In nine days my son and girlfriend will walk away from the apartment they lived in for almost a year...with no money, no car, no suboxone for him, no money..the dismantling of all that we put together for them...He is grieving, it is hard to talk to him..He still tries to manipulate..
So what will be left of their lives is real..it is the result of all that they did not do and continue to not do.. work, pay bills, call social service agencies, go to recovery meeting, clean their apartment..
I worry that he will not be able to cope and will give up entirely...not being able to face and do what needs to be done to survive..

He will be okay Carolita, because now, he must be okay.

I want to be happy...I want my energy back..I want my life back...I am taking it back..
We love him more than anything...I wish I could see him, talk to him, make him his favorite meal...instead of this painful letting go, knowing he is suffering but if nothing changes, nothing changes..So we are doing this for him and for ourselves...really didn't want to get into all this..maybe I needed to empty some of this to move forward..

It is a good thing this letting out, the emptying. I hope you are able to find comfort Carolita. Learning to switch our focus is key, and I see you taking those steps in your writing.

You are strong and brave, I am sure you have given these qualities to your son.
Now he has the chance to find them, and to act on them.

Take your life back. You deserve the happiness you desire, the energy and joy of living.
One day at a time. Hang in there. You have done so much, and you are not alone.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Carolita2]

Dearest Carolita,
I am amazed at your strength and resolve. This is hard.

Yes, resume. Deep breaths.
It is living as if a zombie sometimes, going through the motions. There is hustle and bustle around us, but we are still, with our thoughts of our d cs. These are the tough times, but as we let go and let a higher power take on the heavy load, it starts to lighten inside of us, too.
He will be okay Carolita, because now, he must be okay.

It is a good thing this letting out, the emptying. I hope you are able to find comfort Carolita. Learning to switch our focus is key, and I see you taking those steps in your writing.

You are strong and brave, I am sure you have given these qualities to your son.
Now he has the chance to find them, and to act on them.

Take your life back. You deserve the happiness you desire, the energy and joy of living.
One day at a time. Hang in there. You have done so much, and you are not alone.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

Dearest Carolita,
I am amazed at your strength and resolve. This is hard.

Yes, resume. Deep breaths.
It is living as if a zombie sometimes, going through the motions. There is hustle and bustle around us, but we are still, with our thoughts of our d cs. These are the tough times, but as we let go and let a higher power take on the heavy load, it starts to lighten inside of us, too.
He will be okay Carolita, because now, he must be okay.

It is a good thing this letting out, the emptying. I hope you are able to find comfort Carolita. Learning to switch our focus is key, and I see you taking those steps in your writing.

You are strong and brave, I am sure you have given these qualities to your son.
Now he has the chance to find them, and to act on them.

Take your life back. You deserve the happiness you desire, the energy and joy of living.
One day at a time. Hang in there. You have done so much, and you are not alone.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Carolita2]

Thanks Leafy..Like all of you I am doing my best...reading your posts, I know we all share similar struggles...so grateful for this website!! Whichever way things go, we are not alone..

 

[New Leaf]

Have a wonderful weekend Carolita, got to get off my butt and clean........

.

Thinking of you

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Carolita2]

Have a wonderful weekend Carolita, got to get off my butt and clean........

.

Thinking of you

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Childofmine]

Carolita, your journey sounds very familiar to me.

I have been active in Alanon for many years...but of those years I was just surviving, at a heart level totally caught up in the drama not understanding detachment at all..

The first period of time that I went to Al-Anon (due to my ex husband's alcoholism) I didn't really "get it." I just wanted to make him stop drinking and I thought he was the problem and that I was the long-suffering "good person" to his "bad person." I kind of worked the program, but I resisted the letting go part, the powerlessness and the acceptance.


i am getting that now on a whole new level..Partly from exhaustion, partly from listening more and understanding powerlessness.

When my precious son started down his path, and I realized he had serious problems with substance abuse, I ran (not walked) back to Al-Anon and this time I was ready. I was really ready to take it all in and change. I started seeing my part in many things, and I started getting humble and honest.

If I'm so smart why am I earning a GED..then you could see him sink lower, why bother...convincing himself that it didn't matter to him and turning to drugs completely.

Ok...but...I'm not sure I buy this completely. If your son has the "addiction" gene, it's not about giving up. It's about a trigger(s) that happened, perhaps it was the GED discussion, and his disease progressed. I believe my own son's anxiety and depression and lack of confidence in himself (and whatever else) were triggers for using and then abusing substances. They made him feel better. Problem is, he can't handle substances.

He's done rehabs and jail, even had 3 or 4 good years in the mix completed 1.5 years of college, only to relapse.

My son almost has an associate's degree, but dropped out too.

But it's come to the place where we now understand more and more everyday that it is his journey..I want to be happy...I want my energy back..I want my life back...I am taking it back..We love him more than anything...I wish I could see him, talk to him, make him his favorite meal...instead of this painful letting go, knowing he is suffering but if nothing changes, nothing changes..So we are doing this for him and for ourselves...really didn't want to get into all this..maybe I needed to empty some of this to move forward..Carolita

I can see here that you have a lot of recovery under your belt already. Setting these boundaries, letting go more, and getting the support you need while you are doing it...that is your pathway to peace.

What is your son's pathway to peace? He will have to discover that.

Of course you love him more than anything. when it's time you will be able to see him, fix that favorite meal, hug him and tell him face to face that you love him. Right now, he needs to figure himself out, and start dealing with life on life's terms.

And it's time for you to start living your own life.

Hang in there...you have what you need to keep walking forward. And we are here for you. Hugs.

 

[Carolita2]

Our stories are similar, Childofmine, except that you further down the road for sure....Just got into a texting volley (that's like a relapse for me).. It is winter in Northern California and he is saying that he will not leave the apartment., we are heartless and uncaring...Of course I know we are not but sort of bit the bait and said you, you, you, should, should, should..just encouraging more of the same...honestly don't know what will happen if he doesn't leave..He gave a 30 day notice to terminate the lease as did we (we were both on the lease). Maybe need a little legal advice on that?
His attitude is so pessimistic and negative..He is so defiant and unwilling to do anything to help himself, it is so hard to understand how he can make it..Was your son that adamant? This guy is tough completely convinced that his problem is people, places and things, not him!
.