Almost There

[Nancy]

There is no protocol to replies, you can offer support or your experience to anyone at any time. Sometimes just a hug is all that is needed.

You are doing fine Carolita. Glad your dr appointment was a good result. Take care of that heart.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Carolita
No worries about replies, it is hard to keep up sometimes and man we sure all have enough on our plates!

Do take care of yourself dear, and I shall do the same.

I hope your health is improving. Deep breaths.
One day at a time.
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Carolita,
You are in my thoughts. Hope all is well.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Carolita2]

Hi Leafy and thanks,
Not going away for a couple of days, have to have cardiac monitor put on Tuesday, just got too complicated.
Difficult Child says not leaving apartment on Monday...unless pressured.. It's a mess, my car is in a residential area but he has gotten the registration..whether we will ever get it remains to be seen.
Most notable in all this is that he just has no idea what to do.. He just has always been able to convince someone to take care of him and maybe he will do just that.only it won't be us..He is still hoping and waiting to be rescued.
We had a pretty good convo, wherein I mostly listened sympathetically as he vented all his fears etc...I am hoping that I can do that for him, be a listener and not an enabler and fixer, occasionally, Really miss him and haven't seen him in 2 years but going down that road right now will do me no good.. girlfriend's parents want to bring her home which they feel is disrespectful as they have been together for 8 years now and don't want to be separated..
He is sad that he hasn't been able to make a life for them..
So off I go resuming my life a day at a time...Nothing more to be done except pray and send love.
I have a full day planned and am just keeping on and doing my day.
I'll be you didn't think you'd get such an earful? eyeful, lol.
I hope you have doing ok leafy?
Carolita

 

[New Leaf]

Oh Carolita, Please take care. I hope you are able to rest. Heart issues are difficult and stress is not good. The hubs has had issues, heart valve replacement. He was able to recover and strengthen himself. He is a rock. Well, sometimes a caveman, but he's my caveman, if you know what I mean.

Difficult Child says not leaving apartment on Monday...unless pressured.. It's a mess, my car is in a residential area but he has gotten the registration..whether we will ever get it remains to be seen.

Ugh, the poor me thing. IF it is in his name that is better for you? At least you are not responsible-not paying insurance, I hope.

I am hoping that I can do that for him, be a listener and not an enabler and fixer, occasionally, Really miss him and haven't seen him in 2 years but going down that road right now will do me no good..

I know you miss him. I do no think I could keep in touch with my d cs like that, too stressful.

So off I go resuming my life a day at a time...Nothing more to be done except pray and send love.

Yes, Carolita, one day at a time, it is all we can do. Prayers are really helpful to calm the nerves and rely on God.

I have a full day planned and am just keeping on and doing my day.
I'll be you didn't think you'd get such an earful? eyeful, lol.

No worries about the ear and eyeful, I am glad to hear from you and wish all the best.

I hope you have doing ok leafy?

Thank you Carolita, I am much better today. Did you read of yesterday? My daughter was a mess, it was hard seeing her again that way. I was able to remain calm and resolute while she was there. But it was hard, watching her leave. She looked so desperate. It is a sort of game, I think, to get me to feel sorry for her and have her back at home. I know that is not possible.
Probably same story you get from your son. Won't go to a shelter "They are terrible places."
It is the rules, she doesn't want.
She wants to just drift and drug.

So not happening here, and I will so not support that.

Stay strong Carolita. I pray for your health and well being.


Take good care.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[plymouthmom]

Carolita, I just read this whole thread, and I wanted to encourage you in your progress. You have made remarkable progress in just a few weeks. Stop right now for a minute, and pat yourself on the back. it's about Progress, not Perfection. And this stuff is very very hard. We are breaking a lifelong habit, we are doing something that is counter-intuitive and counter-cultural. We are stopping being their mommy. It is necessary, and it is very hard when they keep on pulling and tugging at us. With PCs (perfect children, tongue in cheek), it's easier because they are pulling away and we have to let them go. With DCs, it is much harder to turn out back on the siren mommy call.



I have been active in Al-Anon for the past five years. It has literally saved me and has given me a life like I never knew before.

A lot of times, you won't know the story of everybody. Go to some different meetings. I was there, and my son was in active addiction (in jail, homeless multiple times, suicide threats...on and on).

I learned to stop enabling but I had to work hard...I mean real daily work...and it took me several years and it also took working through my profound grief. The grief work was particularly helpful in moving me from there...to here. And it still goes on.



Absolutely. I used to give my son food when he was homeless. We can only do what we can live with Carolita. I count it as a blessing that you two live on different coasts. Having a lot of physical distance really helps when you start working your own program to stop enabling.



This is key to your improvement. Start living your own life. At first it will be very hard, but as you grow and work and grieve and start to heal, this gets easier.

I had to first see that my helping wasn't helping. Nothing had changed. I was absolutely a wreck. I was so sick and tired of it all and filled with pain and resentment and grief and exhaustion, and I HAD to do something different. I couldn't keep on doing the same thing over and over again. My son was intractable.

Then I had to see that I actually was harming him. Taking care of things for other people ROBS THEM...yes robs them...of the chance to take charge of their own lives. I had to see that my love would eventually kill him----if not physically, then virtually.

Once you start seeing truths like this and then learning to live into them...you gain more strength to keep on changing.

It is the hardest work of my life, telling my son No over and over and over again. Going no contact except for one 10-minute phone call a week within a certain time period on a certain day. That is what it had to get to, before things started to change. Very strong boundaries, things that would have been previously unfathomable.

Other books: CoDependent No More (Melody Beattie) and Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend). Very practical books. Other, very good books: anything by Brene Brown and anything by Pema Chodron. Al-Anon Literature.

I read and journaled and got an Al-Anon sponsor, and took naps and a lot of quiet time to cry and feel my pain and grief and talked to trusted friends.

It takes time.

Another key learning was realizing that feelings aren't facts. Al-Anon puts legs on this idea that at first I just rushed past. I had always been a person who functioned out of feelings. Always. I had to learn that even though I was devastated about my son's life, I could unhook those feelings from my actions. In the past i couldn't stand feeling so bad so I took action so I WOULD FEEL BETTER. It was really very largely about me and what I could tolerate. Once I saw this truth, I started working to deal with my feelings, wait, not act, let days go by (going no or little contact for a while gives you the space and time to do this work)...and I have learned a great deal about feelings now. What they are and what they are not.

We are here for you on this forum and others. Please keep sharing. We understand so very well the journey you are on and we are here to walk beside you.

Warm hugs this morning. You are doing the right thing.