Am I a (Censored) Person/Parent?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Albatross, Aug 7, 2019.

  1. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I cut off contact with Difficult Son about 4 months ago for reasons that would take too long to explain.

    I know this is not a nice thing to say, but it is as if my life has clicked into place. Hubs and I purchased a new home, and the best part of that is I know Son won't show up on the doorstep looking for a place to crash, because he doesn't know where we live. For the first time in a really long time, my home is my sanctuary.

    My friends and coworkers like and respect me, in contrast to Son, who called me a bi+ch and said I will burn in Hell for eternity.

    I wake up each morning excited about the day, rather than waking up draped in dread and staring accusingly in the mirror, calling myself a failure because of the outcome of son's choices.

    I still think of him at least a hundred times a day. I still mourn what might have been. I still visit this site several times a day hoping to find some answers.

    But it's just thoughts and feelings, and after awhile I remember the past 12 years of the same old same old and realize that nothing's changed. Then I put it all down and I go on with my day, because I know I don't want to go back to the chaos and manipulation of interacting with him on a daily basis anymore.

    Does that make me a :poop: person?
     
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 4
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • List
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    No. I am doing it too. Sometimes I feel like a bad person, but I know I did all I could have. My life is calm now. Well, I still worry, but from a distance.

    I think you are doing what is best and hardest at the same time.
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Albatross

    Good for you!! NO it does not make you a shi*thank you person or parent!! I felt the same wonderful relief when we sent our son to Florida to sober living three years ago. I was so traumatized by him and his behaviors I felt like I was losing my grip on life in general. I wished so bad to be free of the pain I was in that death felt like a good escape BUT I have a wonderful husband and 2 other sons and friends and good health and many blessings. However this pain brought me to my knees and I couldn't appreciate my other blessings.

    I continued to be in therapy while he was gone and working on myself. He continued to flail. I felt the son I knew was gone and I did not know if "he" would ever return. I did not like nor want to be around the person he had become. I wanted him to just go away. Maybe forever. I learned through a few therapists (one would leave and I'd pick up where we left off) that I needed to love and care for myself. That my son would do as he would do and that did not mean I didn't have a vicious love for him. I had just put up some walls to protect "me".

    I continued to pray so hard during this time and think of him constantly. Sometimes I wouldn't think of him at all. Just.because.I.couldn't.

    He is back now and doing much better but I have PTSD. We don't talk much about what happened. He doesn't get the impact it had on me and my husband but mainly me. He has made comments that I disowned him. I guess I did. I would do it again if the pain starts again because that is what I have to do and that is okay.
     
  4. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    RN0441, wow, what a powerful account of your experience with your son and your decision to disengage. Right now I'm feeling many of the things you described. There are times when death would feel like a relief, just so the pain would stop. And I too, although I love him, do not like him and would like him to go away, forever.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • List
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Congratulations on your new home!!
    My husband and I will be looking to move in about 5 years. I have thought about what that will look like. Our son does not keep in good contact with us so he may never know that we moved and we will be moving to another state. I have even thought about getting a PO Box and give him that info.

    Of course it does not make :poop: person. What is makes you is a strong person who was able to break free from a person that is toxic - regardless that it's your son.
    Live your life and enJoy it to the absolute fullest!!

    upload_2019-8-8_14-23-6.png
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  6. ChickPea

    ChickPea Member

    I highlighted some of that for my own personal self to meditate on your words.

    This post makes me feel incredibly free, and incredibly sad. Probably anyone on this site can figure out the why behind that.

    I'm so happy for you that you found your peace. A person has to be a very negative vibe in someone's life to impose the kind of chaotic disturbance that unsettles everything with such a painful impact to those around them.

    I had glimpses of this freedom you speak of, but don't know the ongoing reality.

    Please don't feel badly about enjoying your life and feeling safe. Don't at all. The relationship that many of us have with our Difficult Child is toxic and often abusive. It's instinct to tolerate it (try to fix/control, etc.) because it is our child and we remember them when they were helpless babies and struggling toddlers. We remember carrying them in our womb, or their "gotcha day" if adopted.

    But if it were a co-worker, they would have been kicked to the curb long, long ago. Loooooooong ago. BOOM.

    Enjoy your new home. Bless you, dear!!
     
  7. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No, it makes you a person who has learned wisdom through acceptance of what we cannot change. You've achieved the "serenity prayer"........enjoy your serenity Albatross, you deserve it. And congratulations on leaving the past behind and opening to peace.
    I'm happy for you, go enjoy the life you've created!
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Albatross,

    You have reached a very sweet place, a place you deserve to be. husband and I separated from our Difficult Child a few years ago. The major piece missing, to give us total peace of mind (until the Internet catches up with our move), is to move out of this town. I so want that.

    Extremely happy for you. Enjoy this newfound peace which you have deserved all along. It is too bad it takes moving away to gain it for some of us, but we will take it back however we can. Share your fun when you think of it. : )
     
  9. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    What it means albatross is that you rock.
     
  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much, all of you. I feel myself moving on, then I feel guilty for doing so. It is such a blessing to know I am not alone.

    Me too. Through therapy I learned we as parents of difficult children will likely never feel GOOD about any course of action we take, because there are no options that produce a good outcome. So...that knowledge that we did what we could is our only true solace.

    RN, I re-read your post many times. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was very powerful, and very much how I feel.
    Me too. With distance it gets better. When son told Hubs he might have to come back to our state for his DUI charge, I felt panicked. I feel best when he is far away.
    Thank you, RN. I appreciate the strength and courage of your post. It gives me strength. I'm glad your son has the opportunities you are giving him now, and I'm also glad that he knows where you stand. I believe that gives HIM strength too.
    I have felt that way too about death, Beta. Not actively suicidal but certainly finding *ANY* escape attractive. I too love my son as my child but do not like him as a person and do not want to be around him unless he changes, and I do not think he is likely to change.
    He *IS* toxic, or at least our relationship is. I don't think I realized all that entails until I started reading about toxic family members.
    Thank you, Tanya!
    Thank you, ChickPea. And you describe it perfectly. EVERYTHING feels off, out of sorts...and chaotic...and draining...and painful...all the time...and I don't want to live like that anymore.
    Thank you, RE. I did not think of it that way before. I don't know if this will make any sense, but you just kind of blew my mind by helping me realize it is okay to feel happy and sad at the same time!
    Thank you, SS. I am sorry you don't have total peace of mind yet, if such a state exists, but we sure have come a long way, haven't we?
    HAHA! Thanks 200!
     
  11. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Alb...You love him, you think of him, you hurt for him - but you can't change him. You are free and that's wonderful! I wonder sometimes what people must think of me when I tell them ours is saying they're moving here in October and they think I must be soooooo happy! NO! I'm not happy! I love him. But I LIKE him better far, far away. I'm terrified he'll go back to his old ways and this time he'll drag that lovely girl he married down with him. And he'll do it HERE - where we are in the thick of it!

    When we retire we plan to RV. Sell the house and just disappear. We specifically are NOT going to get one big enough for him to want to come with! This is a plan for a reason. If you are a :poop: person...well, so am I.

    :group-hug:
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • List
  12. tamarann

    tamarann New Member

    Not only does it NOT make you a bad person, it inspires me to keep going. Knowing that you have managed to persevere through the chaos and find peace on the other side is more helpful than you could imagine to someone like me who is still mired in the mental anguish. THANK YOU for sharing!
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List