So much sad news on here these days I haven't wanted to add more, but I kind of feel a bit disingenuous posting to others threads and not letting folks know my life experiences continue to be a shat show. The good news is my son has not called me the C word for four months, the bad news is it’s only because he has not contacted me in four months.
He is no longer living in town in a house where I had a slight sideways connection to what he’s up to. He moved to what someone referred to as an “assisted living” situation a couple of months ago. I do not know the address so I can’t check it out. I am hopeful this is a situation where a mental health social worker is in regular contact with him but most likely is a bad living situation where social services pays most of his rent and he is responsible for a portion and that it’s for the assisted part. I know he didn’t have any money for security so maybe the mental health organization he’s in contact with is more involved, I just don’t know.
A few weeks ago I had a bunch of phone calls early morning and a couple of text messages. What’s that called “phone bombing”? Over the past few years my son has trained even me to block out these multiple phone calls and messages when I’m sleeping. If my house was on fire these days my neighbors could be standing outside of my locked door trying to roust me by calling my phone and it wouldn’t work. In the past a phone call after 10pm would have me in a panic. So I guess that’s more good news. Anyway the calls turned out to be from my son’s father. He left a text message telling me to call him because it’s an emergency. I shut down for a moment and then threw up. I was so sure the emergency was that my son had died. My son’s father has not spoken to me in a few years, I don’t know if it’s because he believes my son’s made-up childhood abuse stories or if it’s because he didn’t want to deal with the pressure from me over the years for him to step up and act like a father. I got cut off and just accepted it for what it is, whatever.
It turns out the phone call was because my son’s father has cancer and was told late the night before that he could no longer be treated. They told him he was going to be sent home from the hospital that day on hospice care and he wanted to get in touch with my son but didn’t have his phone number. He didn’t have his phone number because it’s gets changed often. The father described “during the summer J asked to move in with him and when he told him no J said “
you and die”," so his father decided not to have anything to do with him for a while. I didn’t have his phone number either. I went about contacting someone who could fb message him to call me so I could get him to call his father. He eventually called his father without talking to me, and was shortly afterwards ubered over to the house to visit. But since then he has not visited. The one time afterward that his father called him to see if he would come by again, he told him “no, he’s working on his childhood abuse issues”. Now his father is on high dosages of pain medication, not really relating to anyone and I’m waiting for the any day call from his wife that he’s passed.
I’ve gone through such anger and pity towards my son and such anger and pity towards his poor dying father, back and forth, round and round, wondering if I really am a horrible judgmental bioch who expects way too much from people and then back to but I don’t act like a selfish ahole like they do. A wild merry go round ride.
I’m starting to settle down a little on the anger now. But I’m still waiting for that call and wondering how much nature verse nurture has to do with the internal workings of the human condition. I know I put myself in a position as my son was growing up to be seen as more of a thing than a human by all of my hoop jumping and providing and being the only parent of a special needs child. But my son’s relationship with his father was so much different. I know my son loved his father in the past, I know he was interested in the things his father was interested in, as the only way to be connected with his father. He would go fishing and do coin collecting just to be with his father, not because he liked that stuff, he didn’t. He would tell me things about his father’s life and interests, it was all about his father when he was with him. With this I knew my son had the capacity to actually “see” someone else, not the experience I had with my son. Now I’m thinking that capacity to see someone else along with his strong hold on the truth no matter what, has also gone by the wayside. I’m so disappointed with my son, he’s missed his chance with his father now, has gone over the edge even with him. This is the last thing I would have ever expected from him.
For now it’s a bit too difficult for me to even respond to some of the threads. I feel like a fake, like I have nothing to offer other than I’m sorry and I’m lost now too, not something I feel is helpful. I guess I will work through it, like all of the other things over the years, losing a bit more of the naivety I’ve often carried for way too long in my life believing deep down that all people are good but maybe just sometimes troubled. Trying for radial acceptance, the right yin and yang, not the jaded view I can’t get out of right now, the “some people just suck” view I’m fighting.
I hope this doesn't trigger anyone in a bad place right now. I do have people and other circumstances in my life where I'm able to compartmentalize this stuff and shut it out, another bit of good news as I never could have imagined being able to do that in the past. I hope anyone who's dealing with really difficult stuff is also able to split their mind to a place where they don't bring it with them.
He is no longer living in town in a house where I had a slight sideways connection to what he’s up to. He moved to what someone referred to as an “assisted living” situation a couple of months ago. I do not know the address so I can’t check it out. I am hopeful this is a situation where a mental health social worker is in regular contact with him but most likely is a bad living situation where social services pays most of his rent and he is responsible for a portion and that it’s for the assisted part. I know he didn’t have any money for security so maybe the mental health organization he’s in contact with is more involved, I just don’t know.
A few weeks ago I had a bunch of phone calls early morning and a couple of text messages. What’s that called “phone bombing”? Over the past few years my son has trained even me to block out these multiple phone calls and messages when I’m sleeping. If my house was on fire these days my neighbors could be standing outside of my locked door trying to roust me by calling my phone and it wouldn’t work. In the past a phone call after 10pm would have me in a panic. So I guess that’s more good news. Anyway the calls turned out to be from my son’s father. He left a text message telling me to call him because it’s an emergency. I shut down for a moment and then threw up. I was so sure the emergency was that my son had died. My son’s father has not spoken to me in a few years, I don’t know if it’s because he believes my son’s made-up childhood abuse stories or if it’s because he didn’t want to deal with the pressure from me over the years for him to step up and act like a father. I got cut off and just accepted it for what it is, whatever.
It turns out the phone call was because my son’s father has cancer and was told late the night before that he could no longer be treated. They told him he was going to be sent home from the hospital that day on hospice care and he wanted to get in touch with my son but didn’t have his phone number. He didn’t have his phone number because it’s gets changed often. The father described “during the summer J asked to move in with him and when he told him no J said “
you and die”," so his father decided not to have anything to do with him for a while. I didn’t have his phone number either. I went about contacting someone who could fb message him to call me so I could get him to call his father. He eventually called his father without talking to me, and was shortly afterwards ubered over to the house to visit. But since then he has not visited. The one time afterward that his father called him to see if he would come by again, he told him “no, he’s working on his childhood abuse issues”. Now his father is on high dosages of pain medication, not really relating to anyone and I’m waiting for the any day call from his wife that he’s passed.I’ve gone through such anger and pity towards my son and such anger and pity towards his poor dying father, back and forth, round and round, wondering if I really am a horrible judgmental bioch who expects way too much from people and then back to but I don’t act like a selfish ahole like they do. A wild merry go round ride.
I’m starting to settle down a little on the anger now. But I’m still waiting for that call and wondering how much nature verse nurture has to do with the internal workings of the human condition. I know I put myself in a position as my son was growing up to be seen as more of a thing than a human by all of my hoop jumping and providing and being the only parent of a special needs child. But my son’s relationship with his father was so much different. I know my son loved his father in the past, I know he was interested in the things his father was interested in, as the only way to be connected with his father. He would go fishing and do coin collecting just to be with his father, not because he liked that stuff, he didn’t. He would tell me things about his father’s life and interests, it was all about his father when he was with him. With this I knew my son had the capacity to actually “see” someone else, not the experience I had with my son. Now I’m thinking that capacity to see someone else along with his strong hold on the truth no matter what, has also gone by the wayside. I’m so disappointed with my son, he’s missed his chance with his father now, has gone over the edge even with him. This is the last thing I would have ever expected from him.
For now it’s a bit too difficult for me to even respond to some of the threads. I feel like a fake, like I have nothing to offer other than I’m sorry and I’m lost now too, not something I feel is helpful. I guess I will work through it, like all of the other things over the years, losing a bit more of the naivety I’ve often carried for way too long in my life believing deep down that all people are good but maybe just sometimes troubled. Trying for radial acceptance, the right yin and yang, not the jaded view I can’t get out of right now, the “some people just suck” view I’m fighting.
I hope this doesn't trigger anyone in a bad place right now. I do have people and other circumstances in my life where I'm able to compartmentalize this stuff and shut it out, another bit of good news as I never could have imagined being able to do that in the past. I hope anyone who's dealing with really difficult stuff is also able to split their mind to a place where they don't bring it with them.
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