And the latest from last week and yesterday.....
- Thread starter klmno
- Start date
Marguerite
Active Member
klmno - there is one thing you're possibly doing wrong here. I can see a pattern - difficult child does something wrong, you react (appropriately) and protect yourself (now). Then at a later stage, not a lot later, you snap back into "Mommy will make it better" mode and try to rescue him at some level.
In is mind he has learned what buttons to push to precipitate the "mommy will fix it" in you. He is still focussing on how much you can do for him to make the problems go away. Any problems, whatever his responsibility in them. He is not willing to admit to his responsibility, he is also VERY skilled at passing off responsibility onto others. Any others.
Now, for some time you have stepped further back from "mommy will fix it" but difficult child knows you now, he is working hard to turn you back into the mother tigress who is angry at the system and trying to get him out of there. He wants out of there, but not because he wants to go straight. He might at some level want to go straight, but he also wants to do what HE wants to do, and that directly conflicts with what the law expects and your safety. His primary aim is his own personal freedom to indulge in his own desires. Anything that prevents this is an obstacle to overcome. At the moment, it seems to him that you are his best chance to help make this happen, but you know that as soon as you succeeded magically in springing him from his current placement, it would be as bad as ever. Or worse.
"I didn't tell you everything because I didn't want to hurt you" is utter garbage. His actions when he cut the money out of your clothes as you slept - not consistent with "I am trying to spare you any further pain". He wants to come home because he wants to do exactly what he did before.
One thing it makes me wonder about - I know attitudes for years were that nurture is all, that there is no such thing as hereditary insanity (other than Huntingdon's) but definitions and ideas have been changing a lot. You've described your bro as a sick individual; maybe this is at least partly DESPITE his environment and not because. And maybe your difficult child has inherited some aspect of this tendency, and this is also a factor driving him to do what he wants regardless of the impact on other people.
Do look after yourself. Keep detaching. Do try to guard yourself against the "mommy on white charger" syndrome that so many of us are infected with. He is counting on this and frankly it would be very bad for him and for you.
He needs to accept and acknowledge what he did - to you. "I didn't want to hurt you" is balderdash, he is just saying what works. He has a lot of time to practice and the best tutors in the world, in the place where he is.
It is such a mess. But looking back, I can't see how you could have prevented things getting to this stage. I really don't. I think your attempts early on to try to get him placed in a treatment facility were admirable and I would have done the same. But looking back now, I wonder if anything different would have been achieved.
Stop beating yourself up. He is who and what he is, and HE has to learn to take personal responsibility. Until he does, these problems will keep happening.
Marg
In is mind he has learned what buttons to push to precipitate the "mommy will fix it" in you. He is still focussing on how much you can do for him to make the problems go away. Any problems, whatever his responsibility in them. He is not willing to admit to his responsibility, he is also VERY skilled at passing off responsibility onto others. Any others.
Now, for some time you have stepped further back from "mommy will fix it" but difficult child knows you now, he is working hard to turn you back into the mother tigress who is angry at the system and trying to get him out of there. He wants out of there, but not because he wants to go straight. He might at some level want to go straight, but he also wants to do what HE wants to do, and that directly conflicts with what the law expects and your safety. His primary aim is his own personal freedom to indulge in his own desires. Anything that prevents this is an obstacle to overcome. At the moment, it seems to him that you are his best chance to help make this happen, but you know that as soon as you succeeded magically in springing him from his current placement, it would be as bad as ever. Or worse.
"I didn't tell you everything because I didn't want to hurt you" is utter garbage. His actions when he cut the money out of your clothes as you slept - not consistent with "I am trying to spare you any further pain". He wants to come home because he wants to do exactly what he did before.
One thing it makes me wonder about - I know attitudes for years were that nurture is all, that there is no such thing as hereditary insanity (other than Huntingdon's) but definitions and ideas have been changing a lot. You've described your bro as a sick individual; maybe this is at least partly DESPITE his environment and not because. And maybe your difficult child has inherited some aspect of this tendency, and this is also a factor driving him to do what he wants regardless of the impact on other people.
Do look after yourself. Keep detaching. Do try to guard yourself against the "mommy on white charger" syndrome that so many of us are infected with. He is counting on this and frankly it would be very bad for him and for you.
He needs to accept and acknowledge what he did - to you. "I didn't want to hurt you" is balderdash, he is just saying what works. He has a lot of time to practice and the best tutors in the world, in the place where he is.
It is such a mess. But looking back, I can't see how you could have prevented things getting to this stage. I really don't. I think your attempts early on to try to get him placed in a treatment facility were admirable and I would have done the same. But looking back now, I wonder if anything different would have been achieved.
Stop beating yourself up. He is who and what he is, and HE has to learn to take personal responsibility. Until he does, these problems will keep happening.
Marg
klmno
Active Member
Thanks, Marg. I've been doing a lot more thinking about the hereditery factor, too. Not just my difficult child-half bro, but the person in my family who violated me as a child and then, there's difficult child's father who....well, let's face it, how much conscious can a person have if they never care to even SEE their own son??
I can't spring difficult child from his current placement- once in Department of Juvenile Justice there's nothing a parent can do in this state to change whatever punishment Department of Juvenile Justice gives. difficult child knows that. I most definitely think it's all about keeping me visiting, writing, etc, while he's in there, and him thinking I'll get him the most comfortable placement after his release. My issue with parole and csu requirements after release, however, are due to my ability and willingness (NOT) to jump thru hoops for something that serves only to enable my son more and has never made improvement in him. difficult child might not have figured this out yet, but I'm sure not over there telling POs to make difficult child's life as comfortable as possible. LOL!
Yes, I most definitely agree that I need to stick to my guns on that kind of stuff- or at this point, reel that boundary in even more. POs call parents of incarcerated juveniles and keep track of how often they contact/visit their child and the parent can even get in trouble if they don't. I told PO a long time ago that as far as I'm concerned, my son is lucky I visit him AT ALL, so don't call me anymore acting like I should be doing MORE!
I can't see ever improving the dysfunction as long as CSU (at least the juvenile csu) is involved. I remembered feeling that "cloud of dysfunction" falling on my shoulders a few years ago when that probation officer was ordering all kinds of enabling BS but I couldn't do anything about it then. I am biding time now. I'm almost certain difficult child will have his time extended, and by his own doings. I have as my goal that no matter what he does, by the time he's released this time, difficult child will understand that I am not there to mommy him anymore. I'll always be his mother and always want us to be in each others' lives, but we can't go back to me being mom and son in the same way, ever. But it will take longer for this to soak in with CSU, too, because I have to handle that carefully so difficult child isn't considered "abandoned" and then turned over to dss- which Department of Juvenile Justice loves to do to get the kid off their funding and into dss funding.
Less than 18mos- difficult child will be 18yo. Unless he was severely disabled (physically or mentally), which he's not, he can't be turned over to dss after reaching 18. He can be held in CSU authority, meaning they have no choice but to provide a group home or whatever the kid needs to stay "monitored" by their system. So, in reality, it's Department of Juvenile Justice that tries to get the kid back into a parent's care before they reach 18- they can still make the parent provide all that stuff then. See what I mean? I'll always hate this state's CSU. But I'll be darned if difficult child isn't going to learn something from me over the next year or two, whether he learns anything from Department of Juvenile Justice or not. LOL!
The first time difficult child was sent to Department of Juvenile Justice (for pulling the knife on me), he was a model kid there so they thought he'd either gotten past the bad behavior or the incident must have been instigated by me to begin with. CSU might not have woken up yet, but I'm pretty sure Department of Juvenile Justice staff is starting to get a clue of whay I CAN"T control my son- no matter who orders me to. THEY can't prevent him from breaking rules, assault, etc. Once they wake up a little more, I don't think they would even consider recommending a placement in any typical family home upon difficult child's release. It's a matter of the funding issue though.
I sure as heck wouldn't pay to fly my son to Boys Town, pay them monthly, and remain financially liable for difficult child if he is released in the next few months- I can guarantee you that. So in my next letter to difficult child, he'll be given that message.
I can't spring difficult child from his current placement- once in Department of Juvenile Justice there's nothing a parent can do in this state to change whatever punishment Department of Juvenile Justice gives. difficult child knows that. I most definitely think it's all about keeping me visiting, writing, etc, while he's in there, and him thinking I'll get him the most comfortable placement after his release. My issue with parole and csu requirements after release, however, are due to my ability and willingness (NOT) to jump thru hoops for something that serves only to enable my son more and has never made improvement in him. difficult child might not have figured this out yet, but I'm sure not over there telling POs to make difficult child's life as comfortable as possible. LOL!
Yes, I most definitely agree that I need to stick to my guns on that kind of stuff- or at this point, reel that boundary in even more. POs call parents of incarcerated juveniles and keep track of how often they contact/visit their child and the parent can even get in trouble if they don't. I told PO a long time ago that as far as I'm concerned, my son is lucky I visit him AT ALL, so don't call me anymore acting like I should be doing MORE!
I can't see ever improving the dysfunction as long as CSU (at least the juvenile csu) is involved. I remembered feeling that "cloud of dysfunction" falling on my shoulders a few years ago when that probation officer was ordering all kinds of enabling BS but I couldn't do anything about it then. I am biding time now. I'm almost certain difficult child will have his time extended, and by his own doings. I have as my goal that no matter what he does, by the time he's released this time, difficult child will understand that I am not there to mommy him anymore. I'll always be his mother and always want us to be in each others' lives, but we can't go back to me being mom and son in the same way, ever. But it will take longer for this to soak in with CSU, too, because I have to handle that carefully so difficult child isn't considered "abandoned" and then turned over to dss- which Department of Juvenile Justice loves to do to get the kid off their funding and into dss funding.
Less than 18mos- difficult child will be 18yo. Unless he was severely disabled (physically or mentally), which he's not, he can't be turned over to dss after reaching 18. He can be held in CSU authority, meaning they have no choice but to provide a group home or whatever the kid needs to stay "monitored" by their system. So, in reality, it's Department of Juvenile Justice that tries to get the kid back into a parent's care before they reach 18- they can still make the parent provide all that stuff then. See what I mean? I'll always hate this state's CSU. But I'll be darned if difficult child isn't going to learn something from me over the next year or two, whether he learns anything from Department of Juvenile Justice or not. LOL!
The first time difficult child was sent to Department of Juvenile Justice (for pulling the knife on me), he was a model kid there so they thought he'd either gotten past the bad behavior or the incident must have been instigated by me to begin with. CSU might not have woken up yet, but I'm pretty sure Department of Juvenile Justice staff is starting to get a clue of whay I CAN"T control my son- no matter who orders me to. THEY can't prevent him from breaking rules, assault, etc. Once they wake up a little more, I don't think they would even consider recommending a placement in any typical family home upon difficult child's release. It's a matter of the funding issue though.
I sure as heck wouldn't pay to fly my son to Boys Town, pay them monthly, and remain financially liable for difficult child if he is released in the next few months- I can guarantee you that. So in my next letter to difficult child, he'll be given that message.
