Angered and worried

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by inthestorm, Oct 8, 2015.

  1. inthestorm

    inthestorm New Member

    So much back story about my son (23) it would take pages.

    Long story short, only person wiling to house him is my ex (his dad). A month ago they had a fight, my son ended up in jail with- destruction of property and posession of marij. None of us would or could afford to bail him out.

    So he gets out last week. He lives in my home town, I live 3 hrs away. I suggest the one homelsess shelter there because his dad wont let him come back. He stays there one night, dad lets him come back.

    Now tonight I get 15 missed calls from him. I finally get to answer, hes frantic. His dad and him had another fight, and hes locked out. Please help h says. I tell him I cant do anything to help at which point he says he should murder me for all this..I hang up. Have taken his verbal assault many many times.

    15 more calls later and my boyfriend is starting to be an ass, hes completely detached from me and my feelings. Just says aww..nothing you can do. Right, but his tone of voice is more like f**k that kid. Last text from my son says almost to the cell tower...meaning he wants to climb up and jump, has always told us that his suicide will be blood on our hands. Havent heard anything. Im afraid to call.

    what do i do??
  2. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    For suicide threats there is only one answer: Call emergency number. Tell how it is, threatening suicide, at place x, you are not sure if empty threat or means it. If he does mean it, calling help may save his life. If he doesn't, he at least learns threatening suicide does not make you give him what he wants.

    Though do prepare for him to be angry about it. Mine hasn't talked with us over the month because of that situation and he actually is more suicidal than trying to manipulate, though at the time he apparently was more venting how bad he felt than having active plan to kill himself at the time.
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    In the storm, please let us know how you are this morning. I am so sorry for your panic and despair and fear from your son.

    It's the hardest thing in the world to deal with.

    I agree with SuZir that you have to call the police every single time they mention suicide. I did it multiple times with my son, who his dad and I both agreed very likely had no intention of killing himself. The last time he threatened suicide I got up in his face and very clearly said: every single time you say this I will call the police.

    The good part of that is they will take him to the ER and he will be evaluated and likely sent somewhere for at least a few days.

    Please let us know how you are. We understand here. Warm hugs.
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, ITS

    We have all been 'there' to one degree or another.

    What do you do? Aside from calling 911 when there is a suicide threat, there is not really much you can do for him.

    For yourself, however, there are things you can do.

    Read the article at the top of this forum on detachment.

    Join Al-anon or NA or another parent support group.

    Take care of yourself and the people in your life who return your love with love.

    Have peace in your life, knowing that you cant control another person.

    Stay with us and post on this forum.

    I hope you will join us.

  5. inthestorm

    inthestorm New Member

    Hello everyone,

    My daughter called me this morning and asked if I knew about last nights events. My son showed up at her work this morning and told her what happened. So at least I know he didnt hurt himself. His g-pa (my ex's dad) is going to get together with son and dad tonight and talk.

    I feel guilty because I just dont even want to call him. I know he's going to want to come live with me. For one thing I know my boyfriend wont allow that. Second thing is even if I lived alone I would be hesistant because of past anger issues towards me. One resulting in a bettery charge against him. What is a tactful way to let him know coming here isnt an option. I dont want to say boyfriend wont let you, I dont want my family to dislike him. Even though nobody else would let him live with them either.

    He was homeless in Seattle for almost 2 years and it seems like hes having a hard time adjusting to the rhythm of normal life. Ex: making it to job interviews. He had some social anxiety before and being homeless made that even worse and really knocked his self esteem down further.

    Just need some ideas on how to help, or not help, how not to feel guilty.
    I knew I could rely on everyone here, always such sound advice. I have posted about my son in the past when he was frst homeless. Been a while though and had to make a new account.

    Many thanks!!
  6. inthestorm

    inthestorm New Member

    One other thing I want to add and this makes me so sad for my son, he has talked to me about the fact that he has never had a girlfriend and is still a virgin (hes 23). What do you say to someone?
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Ummm.... there are LOTS of people who get to 25 or eve 30 and are "still a virgin". It's not something to be ashamed of. It's either a choice, or it is part of who you are. Life is about a whole lot more than sex. I had three boyfriends in my entire LIFE - and married the third one. There were years between each one. It's just life. Some of us are not social butterflies - but it doesn't mean we don't get to fly.
  8. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Forgive me but first I want to say Hi to Insane Canadian. I did a search Insane because I had not seen you comment much in the last couple of weeks. I hope all is OK. I missed you, Insane. You are always on the mark, and so kind all the time.
    OK. Inthestorm. I do not know how to say this delicately so I will just say it:

    This is almost a crime, a terrorist threat. The only word that makes it almost is should. Without the should, I have seen people get 4 years in prison. That you are his mother changes nothing. Nobody should say that to you, least of all your son.
    Second. This is as cruel as can be. Obviously it was a means to manipulate and hurt you.

    I agree with everybody else. Call the police every single time.
    Finally, your son has almost threatened to murder you and he has told you he is in the process of killing himself only to hurt and manipulate you.

    What is wrong with this picture?

    You are seeking tact? There is a truth here. Which is based upon the words and actions of your son towards you.

    Because of his conduct, his own choices, he needs to create his next steps.

    All of us have had to do the same thing. Eventually the only thing left to do is to take responsibility for the consequences of one's acts. Nothing else works.

    If indeed he chooses to kill himself, it will be a great sorrow. But that, alas, is a choice only he can make. My own child has refused to take medication he requires because of a mortal illness. This is a form of suicide. Slowly. There is not one thing I can do.

    There is no one alive who has not had disappointments. If they have not had, they soon will. Part of life is learning to either live with them or to surmount them. Your son has the opportunity to become a mature, responsible person. By confronting himself and his situation he may do so. Nobody else is responsible.

    There is a wise mother on this forum, Cedar. These are her words (paraphrased): Honey, I know this is hard. I don't know what you should do. But I know you can do it and I know you will. I love you.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2015
  9. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Everyone here has wise advice, much better than me. But this stuck out to me.

    Tactful is not as important as clear. He has threatened you and he has hit you. He does not get to live with you. Period. You tell him that; that you cannot live with someone who would do those things to you. Loving someone does not mean you can live with them. You deserve better.

    Welcome. Keep posting. :group-hug:
  10. inthestorm

    inthestorm New Member

    Yes, everything your saying is spot on. I guess it just helps to hear it from others.

    I remember him as my little boy, with his favorite blankie, always needing me. After he had been homeless for some time he called me one evening and was distraught that someone had found and thrown "hankie" his blanket away. To any other person this blanket would have appeared to be rat bag trash. not some young mans securuty blanket. He looked amd looked in dumpsters ans sure enough found Hankie. That in itself made me feel better. I just got to take it day by day.

    thank you all for listening
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Well, now I am sad.

    My son had his "beddy." And who knows where it is. If I start thinking about it, I tear up too.

    Where do we get these names, anyway? Out of my educated mouth came "beddy" and for poop, I dreamed up boobookaka. Such linguistic gems.

    OK. Now to get tough: they are not our babies anymore. They are grown men. They deserve respect, even though they may act like grown up babies. The only way they can learn is for us to love them in such a way that respects them as the adult men that they are.

    Believe you me. I know how hard it is. It is necessary for your son. And for you. And for me,.

    If your relationship is a good one, you deserve it. If your life has some peace and deserve that too. But most of all...our sons our grown men. They deserve to learn to manage themselves and their lives. Without Mama.