Nope, not me. Never depressed. Then the psychiatrist says "And how are YOU Mom?" and I paste on the face and say "ME? OH...I'm fine." and then the therapist says "HOw are YOU MOm?" and I paste on the face and say "ME? OH (insert little chuckle) I'm finnnnnneeee." and so went the masquerade and then the psychologist looked at the dark circles under my eyes, the hair falling out, the tired look, the age before my time, the mismatched clothes, the uncoordination, the digging in my purse, the frustration over not being able to find my date book, the snapping at Dude in the waiting room over messing up the books, standing on the chairs, leaping off the chairs, pooping his pants, yelling at me....and finally me saying in a hushed roar...SIT DOWN NOW....and said "Mom.....come on back here." then looked at Dude and said "You can stay out here." and put me on anxiety medications, antidepressants and told me that meetings alone were not enough.
So yeah - denying it and pretending that I could hold it ALL together like I was Super glue didn't do myself any favors. I have to tell you - I really loved Valium. I have no idea if the Beatles were the ones that called it Mothers little helper or not - but by the time I got done taking that? I had my entire house clean as a whistle, I was organized like 3 women from the church had taken over my home and every bit of my laundry was done, ironed and put away. My sons lunch was packed I had made meals for a week and then I took him to school, went to work and didn't sleep for about 2 days. Apparently it wasn't the right medicine for me - supposed to relax you. lol. Then I took Zoloft and it gave me idealizations of suicide. Wasn't that fun? I just planned it - not went through with it. Then I tried a Paxil and liked it but it too gave me the weirdest thoughts and when I tried to come off it? I ended up in the hospital for 2 days. So I quit everything. I ended up having a stroke due to the behaviors that my son did - things that I could NOT control no matter HOW much I detached.....and now a year later? Well .....let's just say it's been a really rough year again. We lost an adopted son (my son's best friend in Feb. in a horrific car accident) and my son is living in foster care and there has been not idealic conditions there - and I worry about that...and stuff just piles up, and you never know when you're going to walk into work despite your best attendence, job effort, and abilities and loose your job, and health issues of my own.....so I got back with my doctor and I'm now on Welbutrin - which seems to be working okay.
I mean - If I put my burdens up against someone elses - they would seem very very trivial. I wouldn't want to trade crosses (so to speak) with anyone, but you can't minimalize YOUR problems day to day because THEY are YOUR problems. YOU are the one that is dealing with them so they ARE big, and they are there and you are there and it's tough. I'm not talking about "Oh gosh darnit I can't get to the beauty parlor and I'll have to buy glue on nails and not go out to eat 3 times a week." I'm talking about the real grit of dealing with kids like yours, ours, mine.....and lady - I don't care how you slice it - it's tough - and even if they DO behave for a day or two - (if you are lucky enough for that break) you are in a perpetual state of WHEN IS IT GOING TO BUST LOOSE AGAIN AND SCARE ME??? SO you always are in a heightened state of awareness waiting for the damn to burst and mannnnnnn that takes it out of you even more so I think that dealing with the stuff you KNOW is in front of you and is really bad. So it IS non-stop anxiety.....
I recently had my cortisol levels tested (it's the stress hormone) and the levels are 0-22. Zero being below normal and 22 being high. Mine are so high it didn't register and they tested it three times. So if my hormones are out of whack and I don't feel well internally HOW can I be effective in parenting? Depressed? Oh that's not the half of it. Yes, I'm depressed. I'm whatever beyond depressed is....but I have a life to live and I have to be VERY aware that HOW I handle MYSELF when these situations arise is HOW my child will see how to handle HIMSELF when these sitiuations arise. I'm a mirror - for him. If I'm depressed and crawl in bed, and wish the world away when I'm blue I can't imagine telling him to be happy and not ugly when he's sad and blue. But....If I take my health seriously and get thee to a doctor and have some tests run and get on some medication and trial a new anti-depressant - and stay in therapy? Then I have a better chance of helping HIM by being an example because I set a standard.
I knew this time - when I cried for no reason walking in a grocery store going down the dog food aisle that i was depressed. So what? So go get help. There are a lot of SSRI's and other anti-depressants out there to try. If one class didn't work - try another. I'd start with a good physical and tell your doctor TODAY that you are depressed and that you LIVE with 2 kids that have AS - and let them know how tough your life is.
Hugs - welcome
STar