At a loss

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Willowbe, Dec 22, 2016.

  1. Willowbe

    Willowbe New Member

    My alcoholic/addict son, 31, was released from jail November 7, 2016, having been arrested July 8, 2016. He called me on November 8 to tell me had been released. The conversation was short, 2.47 minutes to be exact. From what I understand a plea deal was offered and accepted, court was held unexpectedly, most of his charges were dropped. He went from three felony and several misdemeanor charges down to two misdemeanors and released. During the phone call I asked him if he had a plan to stay clean and sober and within a breath he was telling me how controlling I was and the call ended pretty quickly. I felt like space was needed and didn't make any contact for a couple of weeks. I wrote him a letter telling him I respected his space, but that I was concerned about his sobriety and that I loved him. Since the day he called me after his release from jail, I have not heard a single word from him.

    He is married and has a 22 month old son, he also has two daughters from a previous marriage, 6 & 11, and he lost custody when he was arrested and they are now living with their mother out of state. There has been very limited contact with his wife. While my son was incarcerated we found out that he had been involved in more criminal behavior that he had not been arrested for and we sat down with his wife and told her, and this has led to the limited contact with her. We really thought that being honest was the best....we are only as sick as our secrets.

    The hardest part of the entire situation is knowing I have no control over him. I can't make him talk to me and quite honestly I am torn. The sane part of me says leave him alone and let him live his life and you take care of yourself and live your life. The insane part of me is obsessed with the whole situation. Why isn't he talking to me, what did I do, why isn't she talking to me, will I get to see my grandkids. It is so difficult to quiet a brain that is whirling as fast as a hamster running on it's exercise wheel.

    Thanks for letting share this.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, welcome, and so am sorry. I adopted a boy who was six from another country and he took off long ago and I never really knew why and never saw his kids. Your son could need to blame you for his own problems and I found that letters from the heart made things even worse. My son's wife egged him on but I dont know why. So you may never get answers.

    I'm guessing the mother of your sons kids just wants nothing to do with your son and sadly that includes you. But that is only a guess. Nobody here can tell you for sure. I wish we all knew the whys of anything.

    Everyone with these issues deals with them in our own ways. There is no right or wrong. It's whatever you feel is best. For me, intense therapy and moving on with my wonderful husband and other children, who are loving and wonderful, was the key. I can't control anybody and I accept this.

    It took a few years but I am very much at peace with letting go of negative people. I have too much self respect to beg and grovel again. LIt doesn't work and it makes me feel pathetic. I have other loved ones who LIKE to be around me and I'll bet you do too.

    I love my life. I am very blessed. I feel it works best for me not to dwell.

    I am sorry your son is making bad choices and that you aren't seeing your grandchildren. I hope one day this changes. I do have a granddaughter from one of my kind adult children and that little girl is very dear to me. Do you have other children?

    Another person you may want to get to know better is yourself. Bet you are awesome!

    Wishing you the best!
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    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
  3. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Willowbe, I'm sorry for your pain and lack of answers from your son.
    Keep posting, there is lots of help and solace to be found here.
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  4. MomOfTwoBoys

    MomOfTwoBoys New Member

    Beautifully said!
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  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am learning that the path I have chosen is right for me and if not Then I can choose differently. No one can make me choose their path.

    This is true of our children as well. Each if us must face the consequences of our choices good or bad.

    I am starting to understand that the pain I feel because of my adult childs choices is if my own making. I feel he must follow my path and when he does not. I feel a host of unpleasant emotions.

    The warrior parents on this board are all on differrent places in learning to live our lives and on accepting that our children are free to live their lives even if ut is in a way that we would not have chosen for them.

    Keep posting and sharing. We don't have all the answers, but we all gather strength from one another.
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  6. Hi,

    I am new here just joined a week ago but have received tremendous amount of support with lots of ideas that opened my eyes. I have been suffering, trying to figure out what to do by myself. Now, I feel like I have a new family that cares about me and my family together which makes me feel so much better.

    Everyone over here has some sort of issues that lots of people have. We all are not perfect as no one can be. Stay tough and let your ears open to people on the forum as lots of people who have been here are more expert than new comers like we are.

    As one of the experienced members suggested, keep posting what is going on and stay tough.

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  7. Willowbe

    Willowbe New Member

    Thank you all for your support. After I wrote this last night I talked with my husband and we agreed to not focus on my son any more. It is his life and we need to live our lives. I find we focus most of our conversations around my oldest son, the alcoholic/addict, instead of ourselves. We are trying to figure out motives and understand his thinking from afar which is insanity at best. I feel a huge weight has been lifted. After my husband gets of work today, we are going out for coffee. Something we haven't done in a very long time. Today is a good day. One day at a time, right!
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  8. MomOfTwoBoys

    MomOfTwoBoys New Member

    Stronger together!!! :)