At least we have a plan, I guess

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SuZir, Feb 18, 2013.

  1. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    As I told at Watercooler something bad happened to difficult child few years ago and it recently came up. He was hurt in very humiliating way by people he was supposed to be loyal to and who were supposed to have his back in turn. We don't still know exactly what happened and difficult child is not telling. What we know for sure is bad enough. It was hurtful and traumatic experience for him and it did show right away with him. Of course we didn't know that at the time. But him getting addicted very deep and fast happened soon after this incident.

    difficult child has taken it very hard that people are finding out about it. Rumours can not be stopped and most people he knows either already have heard about it or will do so sooner rather than later. We do hope it wouldn't get more public than that. Unfortunately that means also we have to do our best to keep it out of police investigation or court if it is possible. But price of justice would be it leaking to public. Not of course with his name in mainstream media (thank goodness of our strict privacy laws), but you can't control Internet much. There are some things that can be done with it and they will be done. Also a plan on how to react in case it however does come public is in the works, because we still don't even know if it will end up with the police investigation anyway.

    But the plan related to trying to help difficult child through this is what I wanted to write here about. Currently difficult child is a mess. When confronted with this he was first totally devastated after that he has been very quiet, ashamed, had a hard time looking at anyone and he seems to be functioning on autopilot. Luckily he was able to give at least little input while discussing the plan to help him so hopefully he will not feel totally walked all over. And luckily others (mainly his mental coach) were better in getting even the smallest bit out of him than I would had been. It is very difficult to make a plan that respects someone's wishes if that someone has found incredibly interesting scratch from the floor and pays all his attention to that and the most comment you get to anything is moving of left shoulder for a half an inch.

    But considering the situation and what he was able to tell us about his wishes (he doesn't want sick leave or break, he just wants to play and that things would get back to normal) the plan is the simple; to keep things as normal and safe for him as possible. Last week his team had some away games and difficult child was left behind with an official reason being illness and less official version being fever and runny nose to cover up what really is happening.From this morning on he is back to practise normally with the team. They may even play him, if that looks possible and either keep him at the bench or at the stands with other scratched or injured players. His zero tolerance program that had loosen up lately because he was doing better is back on in full force. His team mates have been asked to be sure to include him also on their free time. Idea is to make him feel safe, keep his life predictable and keep him moving. The fear is, that if he is allowed to stop and hide, he may never dare to come back into the open again. And I can see the reason. Even those few days had made it very difficult for him to go back to the locker room and face his team mates. If difficult child can't keep up with the team, they will put him to injured list and keep him training with other injured or otherwise make sure he is required to get out from the bed every morning, required to leave his home and spend time with other people even if it means he just ends up lying on the locker room couch and breathing in and out with some regularity. Burying himself to his flat is not an acceptable option.

    It was made clear that difficult child doesn't need any pity or even much extra sympathy or breaks. He may not have lots of faith on himself so others should show that they do have faith on him overcoming this and not needing to be coddled or pitied. And while I do worry that he has lost his fight, others seemed to think he will soon be lashing out and fighting everything. And zero tolerance is there also because then he hopefully ends up fighting with his coaches about being few minutes late or rolling his eyes to them instead of fighting with police after closing time in front of some bar, when he feels the need to pick up the fight. Zero tolerance also takes a lot of ambiguity out of his everyday life and that hopefully helps him feel safer.

    Trade deadline has come and gone and they can not replace difficult child with anyone right now. After the season we will see what the team wants to do with difficult child. If they believe that he can get back to his feet during the summer, keep him on reserve or let him go. Luckily difficult child still has one year of eligibility to juniors left. He would be an overager, but that is okay, so there is an less-pressured option left for him in sport if that is needed. difficult child himself doesn't want to even consider that. He feels he will be able to play even this spring now that he finally got out of his sophmore slump he had all fall. That is not likely to be realistic, but we will see.

    His therapist recommended that we would up his appointments from two to three a week. They will continue with stabilizing the situation and after that get back working with traumatic memories. This difficult child agrees but he very much declined from more medications.

    It's odd how many parties involved would be willing to pay for difficult child possible legal costs and other needed expenses. husband and I are certainly not going to agree to that though. IF difficult child's current team wants to pay us back those extra therapy costs as their normal medical expenses, with that we are okay, but we certainly are not letting anyone else to hire his lawyer for example.

    Intellectually I do agree with this. I see the reason behind the course taken. But in emotional level I absolutely hate how punitive this will likely end up for difficult child. Keeping the structure and zero tolerance providing safety and predictability in his life for example sounds pleasant enough. But in reality it will mean he will likely feel also punished, harassed and unfairly picked out and put between rock and the hard place. We keep telling him it's not his fault and then go and make his life much more unpleasant and strict and don't even show much compassion for him feeling bad. Knowing that is not really making me feel warm and fuzzy with this plan even if I haven't got better one in mind.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    That zero tolerance thing in sports is kinda their way of saying "We believe in you and we know you can power through this." A tough love thing, manly sports version. Not sure if will work for him, but it's a pretty normal male-thing.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Is there any possibility that difficult child is not the sole victim? Is it at all possible that his organization is or has been aware of the problem and fearing bad publicity is attempting to handle this on the "down low"? Did he, or others, share the incident with his girlfriend? I was surprised that she discussed her reaction with you.

    No matter. I'm on difficult child's side and including him in my thoughts and prayers. DDD
  4. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Yeah, it is tough love approach. And it meant to help him believe on himself among other things. I get that. In some level I agree. I know there is a good chance difficult child will respond well to that. Despite his many oddities he seems to be well versed in jock logic. Tough love has worked with him before. I just happen to hate it. I'm a wimp then it comes to my babies.

    Given the circumstances I don't think it is likely that there would be more victims. It was peer induced violence, no at least direct adult involvement. More of the situation that got out of hand than something planned. I don't know who told girlfriend, probably difficult child. I was surprised she talked with me too, but of course I was the one who was there. And I should likely credit her that she talk to me instead of her friends. Talking with them about it would had been quite disloyal to difficult child. I assume she really didn't know to whom to talk to and then i was there, at their home and available.
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Hopefully the therapist can offer more of the softer side of the interventions and can reassure him with you about the motives behind the measures taken.

    I can understand your worry though. I can't imagine how sad this whole thing must be for you. It explains so much. I'm glad you have some answers now though...

    How are you?
  6. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I hope so too. Of course difficult child did choose the 'a**hole but bright'-therapist instead of 'mushy and stupid' one, so he may have bought himself even more tough love approach. Don't really know. I in fact met the therapist first time at Friday, didn't seem so a**holeish to me, though rather matter of fact-kind of person.

    I'm holding up somehow. Now back at home it is easier because I don't have to fake it to difficult child, but can have reduced expectations for myself at times (that' breathing in and out with some regularity' seems rather good goal to me too at worst moments, I will try to keep that up.)
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Yes, breathing is a good thing. Hug
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member


    I have nothing wise to say, but am really pulling for your son to be able to ride the storm and come out stronger in the end. And I hope the perpetrators see some sort of justice without your son's name having to be released to the public. Sending gentle hugs to both of you.