Attitudes...butting heads.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Buck is getting his attitude back. At first he was sort of humble and willing to shut his mouth and not be himself but he couldnt keep it up long. Personally I think it was because he wasnt on opiates. I pointed that out to Tony because the minute he went back to his clinic here and got back on his vicodin, he returned to his same old awfully self. He is just getting worse as days go by.

    In the last week or so it has really gotten bad. He has become absolutely almost hell to live with for me. He talks to me as if I am the dog poo on the bottom of his shoe. He tells me what to do and it isnt going over well with me at all. He acts like he owns this place and I should bow down to him....especially when Tony isnt here and at time he has started doing it when Tony is here. Tony seems to take it in stride but I simply cant. As far as Buck is concerned...he puts Tony and him at the top of the ladder and I come in somewhere at the bottom of the list.

    He is jumping to conclusions constantly and blaming everything on everybody else and accusing people of doing this like stealing and it isnt true. When he does this he gets irate and rants and raves. When he finds out he is wrong, he just pouts. At the moment we are almost in a war where we dont talk unless needed and it is in a very sarcastic tone. I have repeatedly told him not to throw garbage like food scraps into the garbage can because when he changes the bags he leaves them by the front door and dogs with tear them open if they are left in the house. He just snarls at me. I am about at the point of snarling back.

    I told Tony last night that his attitude his getting out of control and Tony just told me Buck has always had an attitude. I said well Im not putting up with attitude. Yesterday I looked around at our food and how much food we are eating. Buck had the audacity to go into my car to bring diet cokes into my house because we didnt have any drinks in the fridge. He should have made tea but he doesnt like the sweetener I bought to use. He goes through sugar like crazy. I had some truvia in the house and I wanted him to use that before I bought some more sugar. He had been refusing to use it since I bought it for him last year when he asked for it so when the sugar was all gone, I refused to replace it. He has been refusing to make tea either. Well Im not letting him drink my diet coke either. When I found out he went out to my car, I was livid. I am not locking my car. Tony thinks I am going to far. I told Tony that he knows I also have an attitude and two attitudes simply are not going to mix well and as he knows, mine is going to win. If Buck thinks that his attitude as always gotten him what he wanted, well he is going to be sadly mistaken because he hasnt met me. I have one that is far more ODD than he is. I can sling barbs far more hurtful than he can.

    I have told Tony that if things do get too bad he is going to find Buck living in his car. I cant even get him to do something as simple as calling to find out if he was approved for food stamps or go down to the food bank to get something to help put something in the house. I mean we spend so much extra on feeding him. I made a comment last night to Tony about having to go back to eating boxed mac n cheese because of the cost of our groceries and he said oh no and I said well with how much food we are going through it may be needed. I mean we are going through a gallon of milk almost ever 2 days! Before he got here, a gallon sometimes went bad here. We bought half gallons.
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    More than anything, I'd be concerned about what he's smoking in his room, that he has to put towels at the bottom of the door. If he is doing drugs in your house, you should absolutely not tolerate it one more minute.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I do not see how you do it. I would be looking for a place to live and let them stew in all that brotherly love.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I cant prove he is smoking anything because I have searched his room and have found nothing. If I find something like loose tobacco they are going to blame it on when Cory stayed there. I cant prove different. Even if I dump it when I find it now, Tony wont believe me. Whats odd is when I search his room I cant even find his vicodin pills he is supposedly taking. I can find his elavil and blood pressure medications but not the pain pills. I honestly wonder if he hasnt sold them for something else. He always makes comments about 80 mg oxycontins and how he would never want to take them because he says he saw people looking stupid. Well, that is what he looks and acts like.

    And I have no way to move out and I refuse to leave the place I paid for. I will get him out first. I shouldnt have to lose the place I have paid for and have put money my father left me into.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    You've needed to snarl back at Buck from the beginning and to hell with what Tony thinks about it. When his mouth gets started, shoot out those barbs and hit him where it hurts most.

    M respects me simply because I refused to allow him to intimidate me. He might or might not like me (no clue if he does, don't care one way or the other) but he does respect me. He'd give me one of those deadly looks of his and I'd give it right back tenfold. He backed down every time. Drove him nuts. If he was behaving properly and nice, he got the same in return. It surprised him at first that I gave back better than I got. I think most people, especially women, are intimidated by his oddness and when he gives that look he looks like a tv psychopath. Having grown up in a family of difficult children with some serious mental illnesses.........ehh, doesn't phase me.

    Once that was established, he and I were good, so to speak. And since I did it to him, I think he was very leery of trying it with either Nichole or easy child. Good thing as they'd have blasted his ears off and then sister in law would've creamed him but good. lol

    Janet, you need to be "yourself" in this situation. Know what I mean??

    As for the putting food into the trash and leaving it by the door.............empty it onto his bed when he does it. No joke. He'll do it right or he'll sleep in garbage. An in your face natural consequence that doubtful even Tony could object to, if he does, big deal....he has to go to work sometime. lol
  6. You are far more patient than I would be! What I find really frustrated is how Tony just seems to shrug it off and doesn't seem too worried about it. In some respects I get it because he isn't seeing Buck in his full glory... maybe you could record Buck somehow to show Tony how you're being treated in your own home. As your partner in life it is his job to make sure you are both treated with respect in your own home.

    I think I'd be tempted to say things are going to be A,B, and C around here or Buck is gone by ______.
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Not that you would use it, Janet...but have you checked what your legal options might be? You mentioned that you had put a portion of your inheritance from your father into the house. It would seem to me then that if Tony allows changes that are intolerable (and unhealthy) for you, that you should be entitled to having that money back.

    I know you don't want to move out. I'm wondering if the knowledge that he would have to repay your inheritance might alter the balance of power at your house. It's worth checking into.

    It sounds just awful, Janet.

  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Janet I think you need to ask yourself, does engaging Buck in argument make you feel better? Is it a release of tension or does it add to it? Then act accordingly. I have no solutions that you would like. I agree that Buck has to go but do not see that happening. I do not think Tony ever believed you would leave if Buck didn't so those threats didn't hold up. That said, I honestly do believe that you should leave but understand that you are not ready to do that. It is hard to feel trapped with little options and harder when it means walking away from something that is rightfully yours. We always say here on the board that we cannot change our difficult children we can only change ourselves and how we react. I think you need to keep going back to that and hopefully you will eventually find an answer you can live with. -RM
  9. nerfherder

    nerfherder Active Member

    So, earlier this morning I was doing some carving. We have gorgeous rocks around here, and I'm utterly thrilled that my trailer cottage has a superbly working exhaust fan (over where the stove was before I tore it out.)

    So I'm chewing away with the dremel, watching the dust NOT going into my lungs (hurray!) and I thought of you, and Buck, and I realized - he's probably grinding away and not giving a fig for the particulates he's putting into YOUR lungs. Let alone his.

    So, I have to ask, is he in fact grinding with no protective gear? No mask, no safety glasses? If you need more ammunition, there's some right there. And yes, I'm concerned since you do have other issues already, you don't need your lungs all cr4pped up.

    If he whines about getting kicked out and not having a rotary tool, well, they can be gotten _cheap_ at places like Harbor Freight and the like. A basic kit for about $20.

    The other thing that concerns me - I've had good dogs go questionable when they start ramping up challenges to my dominance. Honestly, with Buck getting mouthier and mouthier with you and ramping up *his* challenges, I think of when a dog is getting ready to start a fight. Some might be offended by the metaphor, but - well, down under our frontal lobes we do have the more primitive part of our brain and that's a source of aggro behavior (and fear too, by the way - if you treat PTSD as coming from an overactive amygdala keeping us safe from the lion in the grass.)

    I realize that was roundabout, and maybe trying to get y'all to smile a little, but I get the feeling he's going to try to move up in the pack. Good luck smacking him down, or better yet - out. :)
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know and I know I am frustrating the living hell out of you guys. I am completely tempted to stop posting about this but I have no one else to even talk to. I had hoped that Jamie would console me but he basically sided with his father and told me not to make "them" take sides. The only one who really dislikes him as much as me is Billy but that doesnt do me much good.

    I sit out in the living room and watch the Jodie Arias trial on TV and make idle comments about how I have way more real abuse that is well documented so if she can murder someone in cold blood and use the self defense theory, then I certainly could do the same thing if "someone" set off my ptsd and anxiety too badly. LOL. I have also pointed out to Tony that while Jodie never documented a darned thing Travis did to her, every single thing Buck has ever done is documented forever here and in emails I have sent to other people. I dont just write loving things about him and make sex Shiver and let me go throw up!

    Tony gets it. I dont think Buck does.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Well, speaking for myself, I am not at all frustrated with you. I do think you need to vent.

    I agree that for now, you are saying you are not ready to really make a change in your living arrangements and it seems out of your control whether he stays or even does dangerous or unhealthy things in your home.

    SO, at this point, what can you do yourself to help ease the stress. I agree, it maybe is simply not worth engaging him. I am not saying being passive aggressive through ignoring etc. But honestly saying if he starts in on you, Buck, this is not a conversation I want to be a part of. I am going to do something else.

    I wish it could be different, but you have told us over and over no one will support your right to privacy and to having your own home without Buck. I can only think that for now, you can only help yourself by saying and doing what you want to make yourself happy, even if that means accepting you have a new room mate.

    I might be way off base, but it makes more sense to me since there is nothing you can actually do to get rid of him, that you come here to vent rather than having stressful and pointless fights at home.

    I prefer much better for you, but it is what it is.
  12. HaoZi

    HaoZi CD Hall of Fame

    I don't mind the venting. I always read it, I just don't really have good advice to contribute.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Janet, if you stopped venting...........then I would really start worrying.

    I'm not losing patience. I get it. I do. The only one I'm losing patience with is Tony.......and I lost that a while back. This whole family excuse is just an excuse, your his why is he treating you so crappy and letting Buck get away with doing so? Now that is frustrating because his logic isn't even logical. (I know he's a man....but sheesh!)

    It you need to blast him, then for heaven's sake don't hold back. If in the moment you don't think it's worth the effort, then let it go. Just don't let it build up to the point where it's taking it's toll on you. Won't hurt Buck to have his ears pinned back a time or two.
  14. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Vent away. I agree this all Tony's fault. Buck is who he is, but there is no reason he is in your home except for the fact that Tony allows this. He believes everything you say. He knows you aren't lying. He does know and he does love you. But he loves Buck, and his need to have Buck safe trumps whatever you feel.

    Buck is a serious lunatic or he wouldn't act like this in the home of the family who is supporting him.

    You can't reason with crazy, don't waste your time trying. It'll just upset you and I don't want you upset any extra amount. I wish I had something better to say. That Jody Arias trail.....I've been watching also, she should get the DP. Wow, I watch that when I get home from work. TA's poor family!!

    Janet, stay strong and don't any .... from anyone.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks guys. I do think eventually I may just get under his nerves bad enough he may snap with me sooner rather than later. Right now he can barely hold a civil tongue with me even with Tony in the room. Sooner or later Tony is going to have to wonder how bad it is when he isnt around. I think I will start carrying my phone around and start taping him.

    The psychiatrist put him on Cymbalta and last night I simply asked him whether they gave him samples while they were putting him on the program to order his medication through the manufacturer. He about bit my head off saying he had samples. Then later on I asked him if he was taking it one time a day or in the morning and in the night. He told me it was none of my business but he took it one time a day but he was looking at Tony while he said it didnt do koi for pain. I jumped in at that point and said it wasnt going to work immediately on the pain because it wasnt one of those type of pain pills. It took at least a month to 6 weeks to get into his blood stream and get to a blood level that would help him. I didnt want him to start taking handfuls of these medications thinking more are better and thinking it would make the pain go away. He just looked at me like I was crazy and didnt know what I was talking about and that he shouldnt have to wait that long. He should just get strong pain medications from the get go anywhere he goes. psychiatrists dont rx pain medications....I hate to tell him that.
  16. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I would just let him take handfuls...........:kickedoutsmile:
  17. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Me too!


    Are your pills still "disappearing"? I would be very tempted to find some kind of strong laxative that comes in pill form, put some in one of your pill bottles, leave it sitting around in plain view ... then just sit back and watch the fun! And I'm not one bit ashamed to be thinking such evil thoughts! Or put tylenol or vitamins or something in the bottle - then when they start "disappearing", ask him what happened to your "hormone" pills and then remind him that if he took them, he will probably grow boobs and start having periods!
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Donna! You're getting to be almost as devious as SusieStar!!! <<LIKE>>
  19. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Maybe you need to set up some smoke detectors, including in his bedroom?
  20. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I love Donna's response.

    Janet, I am afraid to say this out loud, but I think that Buck believes you are the only thing standing between him sharing the home with Tony all to himself, thereby absolving him of all future responsibility to take care of himself. I am concerned what he will be driven to do to you when Tony isn't around. Then, Buck can say it was the pills, or his mental illness, or it was an accident, whatever, and he is going to be off the hook as usual. Then it will be too late for you.
    I was so hoping Buck would've been placed somewhere else, directly from his recent hospital stay. As it stands now, since Tony is gone for so many hours each day, I would advise you to tread carefully around Buck. I wish Tony would do something - this is really out of hand. I know you're a tough cookie and you can handle yourself, but I am worried about your safety, as Buck is desperate to maintain the status quo.

    I have to ask: why are none of the men who are living in your house treating you with respect? Why does Tony shake off and minimize your valid concerns about Buck? What gives Buck the right to be so arrogant and contemptuous towards you?
    Last edited: Mar 1, 2013