attitudes of those in prison/jail?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ctmom05, Oct 19, 2017.

  1. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I just answered my own question, but decided to post it anyway .. .. ..

    Have you noticed a difference between the amount of repentance show by those incarcerated is drastically different than when they're free or just a little bit different?

    (there must be a difference; otherwise they wouldn't have ended up where they are)
  2. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Not exactly sure what you're asking but let me try to answer it for you anyway. Working in Corrections for 25 years I've seen the complete spectrum of attitudes ranging from "I didn't do anything wrong! Why am I in prison?!?!" to true remorse. The ones who lean towards the first part of the spectrum WILL be back. Those leaning towards true remorse and repentance, maybe, maybe not. There are too many factors involved to know for sure but you can make a fairly good guess if you know the individual well enough.

    The fact of the matter is that the vast majority of people currently incarcerated would probably be considered as "Difficult Children" and those that lean towards the first part of the spectrum tend to act just like those children both young and old that we discuss and stress over on this board.
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  3. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    I'm sorry my initial post was convoluted, but you did get my point .. .. .. I was indeed talking about the remorse factor while incarcerated, & the way the incarcerated person looks at life & their responsibilities when things go wrong, when they're on the outside. My guess was that it is their attitude that ends these misguided adults in prison or jail.

    My son was a difficult child. He went to clinical day schools from the middle of first grade on & as a pre-teen/teen was in trouble with the law many times prior to incarceration
  4. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Well, I hope my response helped.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Belle could, and did, say all the right things before prison. Said all the same things while in. She seemed to act on them afterward... Seemed. But now... It's always that victim mentality. Always someone else's fault.
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    One thing I've noticed among troubled or mentally ill folks is the total lack of gratitude. Thoughts?
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    my son in the past year said: i know how much you guys try for me, and i am very grateful.

    And i know he loves me.

    i hang onto that....
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2017
  8. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Our daughter says she is grateful fairly regularly as well.

    It is a blessing.

    Sadly, if she is depressed or moody, she shows no signs of this. But, it might flip back relatively soon.
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My son shows a great deal of gratitude when he wants something. So is it genuine I don’t think it is right now. I hope some say he will be greatful.
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  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    My son has been in jail / prison more than once. The first time he was in jail his attitude was rebellious, he would be quick to say he didn't deserve to be there, what he did wasn't that bad, how horrible the staff treated all the inmates, and so on.
    The last couple of times he puts a more "positive" spin on it. How he knows he needs to change, how he's going to do better, how he knows he's made mistakes, he knows he needs to not drink, and so on... however, he never will admit to his crime, the one that got him arrested. This last time it was for assault with a knife. He claims he's innocent and will offer no details as to why.
    I would like to think on some level he really does see that he needs to change his life pattern but I fear that when he is released he will slip back into his old habits. I also believe, with my son anyway, that his "remorse" is more of a manipulation tactic. You know, if "mom" thinks I'm really sorry she will send money and when I get out she will send money.
    My son told me in letter "when I get out I'll be homeless" well duh!!! he was homeless when he got arrested.
    Again, I think he's trying to play on my emotions. NEWS FLASH!!! I don't play that game anymore.;)
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  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My son turned 18 today. H what’s chosen not to go to rehab and he is now homeless. He will be in jail before long.
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I was at my doctor's office the other day. The young girl there has a boyfriend that is an illegal (his parents brought him here at age 5 and he is 30 now and they have died) and an alcoholic.

    He got a DUI a year ago and one day immigration showed up at his work and threw him in jail for a few months. I don't know all the details but he has a court date to see if he can stay in the US.

    He has an ankle bracelet that he has to wear for some time and it measures if he drinks any alcohol (amazing). He will end up back in jail. He stays sober going the religious route also - did not like AA etc.

    She knows about my son so always asks about him. I told her where he was now and she said she hopes he knows how lucky he is to have parents like us that haven't given up on him but won't enable him either. I said I do not know if he knows this.

    I have to wonder why she stays with this man since she is very pretty and a nurse and says she'd never marry him due to his debt.
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    He has not H what’s auto correct at its best uff.
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Sad. I wish they could put an ankle bracelet on my son for drug alerts.
  15. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    Yes, describes my son exactly. He is currently in county jail for probation violation and new charge on the old charge for probation violation. The Judge previously let him just do 30 days; now he is looking at 11 months. He wanted me to bail him out 5,000 no 10%. I refused. He cried, freaked out on phone. I stayed strong. He calls several times daily, saying he now wants to get help, do rehab vs. jail time, etc. He refused to get help over the past year when folks tried to help him. Now he wants me and his lawyer to get someone to come to court and convince the judge about this program he wants to do.

    I so far, have not agreed to anything. He does take some of the blame for why he is in jail but not entirely, there are a lot of buts, this and that. He now wants to "deal" and "barter" and "do a program". Previous times he was in jail for probation violation (twice) he ran to another state and lived there for a while. Then he came back to town where he was wanted and got arrested and served 30 days and released only to rinse and repeat. I have a feeling this time, the Judge is going to make him do the 11 months.

    He was doing good a year ago, but then slid badly back into ranting, raving, verbal threats to many folks who have helped in his life. Including me. It got so bad had to call out of state police and have them tell him to stop threatening me. I honestly feel if Judge lets him do a program vs. jail he will just run out of state again and the cycle will repeat. If he does, I am done. I just can't physically, mentally do this anymore. He is mentally challenged, albeit higher functioning, but he knows right from wrong.

    I am leaning towards not doing anything for court- just showing up as I want to hear what Judge and attorney says. I didn't go to first hearing and regretted it after son gave a confusing report of what happened that doesn't make any sense. I wanted him to do this alone, reason I didn't go but I realize for my own sanity I have to know so that when he tries to say this was said I know it isn't the story.

    I am struggling with a mentally challenged adult who refuses to listen and get any help- who does what he wants to whomever he wants when he doesn't get his way or people refuse to help him with money. He gets payees for his money then accuses them of stealing from him. I was one of those folks, his aunt another, a priest another. He refuses to go to an organization, prefers to get someone off the street to be his payee. He admits to smoking crack and smoking pot. He wants to get help now, change his life now that he is in jail now. I have heard this before. When do you stop believing, maybe this time?

    I spoke with a therapist this week who said to me, wow, I don't even think he can do a program with all his mental challenges. So, he stays in jail, gets out, repeats the cycle of his bad choices, gets rearrested and repeats. Is that what his life will be? I think so.
  16. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    My son too, in jail now, waiting sentencing next month. He called the other day crying, how he has this small cell, the food is awful, he is hungry, he has infected teeth, poison going to his head, he doesn't belong there.....I told him dentist and doctor there, get help. Jail isn't suppose to be the Hilton. He refused to stop doing what he was doing- that is why he is there, period. Fast forward every day he calls with some new program he wants to do. I need a card index to track all of these programs he wants to go to --now that he is caged like a rat.

    I admire you Tanya- I have followed your story. My son is playing the remorse game now too.
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  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    T and IN

    I have just put my 18 year old son our permanent as in don’t come home.
    Arrests, drugs, defiance and lack of any contribution to the home.

    I regret but feel on my gut that he is determined to be in this life style and there is a long row ahead.

    You both have amazing courage. Thank you for sharing your stories. They give me strength.
  18. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thank you for your sweet compliment. It has been a long journey for me. I'm so grateful for this site and that we can all share together, to learn from each other and to draw strength from each other.
  19. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    My son has been calling me from jail last few weeks asking me to call around to rehab places and have them come to court and speak to the judge on his court date. I have so far declined to do so. He was upset about it. Too bad. Anyways, he called yesterday and asked me to put the rehab numbers he found on phone account so he could call and speak to them. Ok, I did this. He can make the calls, do the leg work, explain it to them, ask them to show up to court. See, by me not doing, he thought of this on his own. You want it, you do it.
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