Back to foster care?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JJJ, Jul 8, 2010.

  1. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Kanga is once again on her kick that she wants us to return her to foster care 'where she belongs'. Her main stated reason is that she can never return to our house anyway so why stay a member of our family. Her real reason is that we have some rules for her that aren't Residential Treatment Center (RTC) rules so the wards in her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) don't have those rules (i.e. we have restrictions on her phone list to only be able to call us, not friends from RTCs). We told her no but she wants to find out if she can do it on her own, so I told her to ask her case manager and then left the cm a heads-up message.

    Is it possible for a minor child to initiate the disruption of her adoption? I can't imagine she could...
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I have no experience with adoption procedures, so I cannot say...

    But, I am wondering whether Kanga is really serious? To me, this just sounds like a version of "I don't like your rules, so I am running away!" know, somewhere where I truly belong, where everybody loves me, life is all sunshine and roses and I can do whatever I want all the time.
  3. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    JJJ - thank you wasn't adopted, but he came up with a similar "solution" when he was 12 (had just returned from 3 years in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) #1). He wanted to be put up for adoption because he just knew he'd be fine in a different family. His CM was simply *fabulous* in her response, esp since she got no warning this was coming. Her jaw dropped, her eyes bugged out of her head, and she asked him point-blank exactly who in their right mind he thought was going to adopt him. She listed off the behaviors, the hospitalizations, the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) stay, the heck our family had been thru up to that point... and then just stared at him. I could've just hugged her. Huge reality check.

    My guess would be that Kanga's got zero say in this. There's no way there's a foster setting that is even remotely equipped to deal with her. She's got the grant, she's got the placement, she's got a family who have hung in there and continue to support her in spite of her wishes. I don't think there's any possible way DCFS wants to take on the full responsibility of Kanga.

    I have to admit, I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation though. "My parents set ground rules, advocate for me, try to prevent me from making poor choices, and have obtained the very best placement possible for me given my mental health issues and dangerous behaviors... please put me back in the system so I can have free rein." Sigh.... these kids are exhausting.
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    JJJ, I didn't completely read all the answers (sorry - short attention span); I'll go back & read through them a bit later.

    When wm hit me with this because he was sitting in foster care & wanted to disrupt the adoption so he could be "re-adopted" it was hard for me not to laugh out loud. Here's this 15 y/o, out of control young man & he thinks he's adoptable because he's put back out in the "market". Unlikely. Saying that, mental health case manager informed wm it didn't work that way - the court has to approve that. AND there is no reason to terminate parental rights & on the information went. wm probably heard a quarter of what was said after he heard that the judge wasn't just going to release him just because he wanted it.

    JJJ, it's highly unlikely at this stage in the game for Kanga to be able to convince social services & the courts to open up this can of worms. I expect social services is thrilled to have active parents in her life.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    That is what I thought. When she was younger she often wanted to trade us in for a better family, now she just wants to be parent-less.

    The only way I could see this happening is that her funding stream (from the state) is very far behind on payments and the foster child payments are being paid with more regularity so the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) may like her on the foster care funding stream. Without their help, she would have no idea how to get in front of a judge. I don't see the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) giving her 'plan' any help because they also like involved parents.
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It isn't just adopted kids who think of this. Wiz tried to push this through several times. About the third visit with a new therapist or the second visit with a psychiatrist (because we saw the psychiatrists less often than the tdocs) he would ask them to help him make this happen. If he got new parents they would be more "reasonable" and less "abusive" - he used those words. When asked what that meant (all but one asked him that question, and the one that didn't was biting his hook until I asked it) he said they would let him play all the video games he wanted, any video game he wanted, watch all the tv and any program that he wanted, not make him do homework, chores, or even go to school or do homeschool work, would stop dragging him to these appointments that were a "frivolous" waste of time and of $$ that could be put to better use (junk food and video games), and would never, ever, ever dare to abuse him by using the word "no".

    After a while this became sort of a litmus test of whether or not we would be able to work with someone or not. We had one therapist who didn't want to tell him it was a fantasy, but wanted him to figure it out for himself. It was a beautiful idea, but not any more realistic than his idea of new parents. We had to move on because fueling the idea, and the idea of exploring if others had parents that would live up to his expectations, also fueled his rages and violence. The therapist couldn't grasp that any/every time he was frustrated he looked to Jess or I to hurt us physically. She truly believed that if we could be "patient" with him for a few weeks he would see his idea was not realistic and he would move on. We moved on instead because I couldn't tolerate the violence that came after every therapist session as she encouraged him to "explore" his options. He was 9 at the time, and though he was very intelligent in book-smart ways, and sounded incredibly intelligent, he was just not capable of handling this. Another therapist "bit" his hook while they were talking alone. She started to rip me a new one for being abusive on the grounds that kids just don't accuse parents of abuse if there is none. I told her to hold on before she went down that road. I was forceful enough that it shocked her into silence (she was building up a HUGE ball of anger at the thought of "poor" Wiz being abused). I turned to Wiz, who had a truly gleeful smirk on his face, and asked him what we did that was abusive, and what new parents would do that would be so much better.

    The therapist went from being ready to rip me to shreds to protect Wiz to feeling hugely hurt and abused that he would "use" claims of abuse that way. She started to lay into Wiz and I told her it was out of line. She had begun to curse at him, even using the F word, and we never went back. While Wiz WAS out of line, and unrealistic, he was still a child and didn't deserve to have a therapist act that way. I am quite sure this therapist would never have gotten another word out of him so we didn't go back.

    Heck, I have a cousin who was two when he started trying to "buy new mommy". His mom was making him lay down for a nap in his crib. He understood that when a toy did something you didn't like you bought a new one, because one of his had just broken and been replaced because it was a favorite and soothed him. So when his mom did something he didn't like.......

    I am sorry Kanga is pushing this. With the info about her funding streams, there is NO WAY the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will help her with this. I am quite sure she is NOT the first person to bring this up to them and they will probably tell her she is delusional (though probably more tactfully than that). Esp by this point, where they have seen some of her behaviors and twisted thinking. Hopefully she will not approach someone who is completely new to the world of difficult children who might give her a glimmer of hope. Esp if they don't ask her specifically what awful things you have done to her. Like educate her, make her eat healthy foods, send her to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for help, not let her kill you (how dare you!! of all the nerve! - TOTALLY sarcastic here), etc...

    Sending hugs. regardless of what is going on, this kind of rejection hurts on some level even when you expect it.
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Kanga has already moved on from this kick again. I told her "Of course, you don't want that anymore. You tried to use the threat of it to manipulate us into changing a rule you didn't like. It didn't work so you've changed tactics." Her excuse - "I don't know when I manipulate, It just happens, I shouldn't be blamed." Whatever Kanga, not buying it.

    Heck, if I thought it would help her, I'd sign whatever I needed to sign to put her back into foster care. But the fact is, her services would remain the same - considering MORE THAN HALF of the kids at her Residential Treatment Center (RTC) are wards, and she would lose the only person who advocates for her as an individual rather than just one on a caseload.

    I remember counting the days until I turn 18 and now I am counting the days until she turns 18. I think alot of her manipulations towards us will stop at 18 since we will no longer have any authority over her (we are not taking guardianship) and any involvement that we will have in her life at that point will be voluntary on both sides. 26 months and counting...
  8. tawnya

    tawnya New Member


    People have judged us and called us bad parents because we didn't take guardianship of difficult child when she turned 18. Now, she was never in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or foster care, etc. We just decided that with all the stupid stuff we got in trouble for when she lived at home, that we weren't doing it again just because she got "older" and "could do whatever she wanted when she was an adult".

    husband has bailed her out a few times on dumb stuff, but it's getting really old, and I think he's finally getting it.

    I think that you can't sacrifice the whole family for a difficult child that doesn't give a "care" about anyone else.

    It really stinks, but that's the way it is here in our home.