Bad News

[DammitJanet]

I agree with Lisa and I am sure you do too because you have also been through this before. It is so hard for those who just dont want to let their parent go. I know I wanted to beg my dad to do any and every possible treatment out there but I knew it really wouldnt do any good in the end. The result would be the same in the end and my dad would be oh so miserable for the last days of his life. As it was, my dad did a round of radiation that left him in so much pain and in so much worse shape that I feel he would have lived far longer had he not even attempted any treatment at all.

Cory had an awful time understanding the absolute endgame of hospice care. It had been about 6 months or since he had seen his Papa so when he saw him the day before he died, Cory really lost it. He wanted us-someone- to do something to make him better or to take him to the hospital. He was almost panicked over it. I think it was the whole thing of actually seeing his beloved Papa die like that at home. The actual act occurring. It hit him hard.

You dont have to use my star thing but it really has made a difference. Cory talks to Papa's star, he talks to the star with Keyana and they talk to Papa together while on the phone. Its one thing they can do while far apart. She will call me and say great grandfather made it snow a whole lot here Grandma! I told my teacher that is why it is snowing so much. My great grandfather is in heaven and he wants me to be able to have lots of snow this year away from my grandma. She is funny. Her teacher had to call us to figure out what the story was...lol.

 

[gcvmom]

After watching my father's rapid deterioration and eventual death in the hospital, I've seen how some people panic and become terribly selfish when faced with losing a loved one. They'll choose ANYTHING that might possibly give them even the remotest chance at having more time without considering the cost in terms of QOL. While I do believe in miracles, I am also mindful of medical wisdom that comes from experience. What's more important? Keeping your loved one comfortable and as free from anxiety as possible so they can spend their final weeks surrounded by family and filled with love? Or putting them through hell on earth just to squeeze out a fraction of a percentage higher in the odds that they'll live another week in misery? In my father's case, my mom and I had to go up against a well-meaning but misdirected sister in law who was letting her own fears influence my brother and annoy my mom and I, creating much more stress and anguish than necessary in an already tough situation: the fact remained that my father was gravely ill with multiple organ failure not to mention metastatic cancer, and anything directed at prolonging his life was not only unrealistic but downright cruel.

I really hope someone is able to talk some sense into those family members who are pressuring her to do something against her will. Many, many hugs to you, husband and Duckie...

 

[donna723]

I know how hard all this is because we went through the same thing years ago when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. By the time we found out she had it, it had spread through her body and there was really nothing that could be done. Since she really wasn't competent, the doctors spoke mainly to my brother and me. There was no hope for a cure but they told us that with a lot of chemotherapy she could possibly have maybe two more months, and everything in me wanted to say, "Yes! Do anything you can to give her more time!" But then we stopped to think ... two more months of WHAT? Two more months of staring at the ceiling in a hospital room, sick and in pain, struggling to breathe and just waiting to die? No way was that in her best interests. The decision to let her go was the hardest thing we ever had to do, but I still think we did the right thing and I don't regret it.

 

[cubsgirl]

I'm so sorry TM. These end-of-life decisions are SO very hard. I agree that the focus should be on her having quality days and time with loved ones and a peaceful transition. Prayers for your whole family.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Just hugs.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thank you everyone. husband is on his way to have a "family meeting" now. mother in law has confessed to sis-in-law that she's only going along with it to get father in law off her *****. Please send good thoughts husband's, sis-in-law's and mother in law's way as they try to intervene and have father in law see reason.

 

[Hound dog]

Praying hard, doing the nekked chicken dance (in the cold rain no less!) sending positive vibes that this family meeting is productive for mother in law's sake.

 

[tiredmommy]

mother in law's wishes have prevailed. In a twist, husband's youngest (developmentally delayed) sister was also there and she vehemently took mother in law's side. Sometimes her maturity and insight just floors me.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm so sorry. My mother died of brain cancer. Sending our good thoughts and hope you can just get through this the best way possible. It's so hard...

 

[LittleDudesMom]

Glad mother in law's wishes prevailed. Often we make the process of loosing a loved one about us, our needs and wants. It's good to know she was heard.

Hugs to you and the family.

Sharon

 

[tiredmommy]

Thank you.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I am so sorry. Prayers and loving thoughts for you and your family. Wishes for a smooth and peaceful transition for your mother in law. Hugs to you. Blessings for your daughter.

 

[Star*]

I don't envy you the task that lies ahead TM. What I can offer you seems so small in comparison to what you are going to need, but please know that I'm one of many who will be here with open arms, loving hearts, strong shoulders and loving hearts to support you any way that you and your family need it. You are cared for and loved very much. I'm not quite sure how anyone handles these things with grace and dignity - but knowing you over the years? I'm sure you will try to be everyones rock and example of lover personafide -----and if you need to be that for them? So be it....but if you need a place to fall apart and just be crumbley? Know you can come here and fall apart and we'll help you pull it back together when you're ready.

Much love - and admiration
Star

 

[ctmom05]

Lots of folks posted before me and they said all the right things. We're hear to listen and to offer our shoulders .. .. ..

 

[tiredmommy]

Thank you everyone. I have a hard time articulating feeling to others over the computer but I really do appreciate the support.