Behavior/Discipline Problems

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by soaringspirit, Mar 9, 2017.

  1. soaringspirit

    soaringspirit New Member

    We are raising 3 of our grands, ages 3,5,and 6. They are pretty strong willed, esp. the 3 and 5 year old. They get into so much mischief, and are often disobedient. I wish I could give examples of things they get into, but I won't take the time. I am at my wit's end! Sometimes I feel like just throwing my hands up. My house is always a wreck. The laundry piles up.I really need some help/answers. All of these children were exposed to cigarettes, alcohol, and crack cocaine in utero. I have read that these children may have difficulty with impulse control. They are all bright children. Any input will be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    As a grandmother raising two of my grandkids, I feel you. My husband helps a ton as I'm still working, so he's doing the school runs twice a day, picking up groceries for dinner, keeping the washing machine fed. Retirement? Vacations? Even a night out with friends? Nope. My husband is 73 and this not how he saw his retirement--we can't even get to see our other grandchildren as much as we want to. And I'm 64 in a very physically and emotionally stressful job (Special Education teacher) and I need to retire at some point, but we can't raise two grandkids on our retirement funds. And my grandson has special needs, as you can see from my signature. We even may have to pick up and move to a bigger house so they each have their own rooms. I mean, how long can my granddaughter be expected to sleep in my room? (My husband has his own room---epic snoring and he worries so much about that he can't sleep if he knows he may be keeping me awake).

    Your grandkids are too young to really help much with the chores other than to get the clothes anywhere near the machine, carry their own dishes to the sink, have a toy clean-up party after dinner, etc. I had to learn how to parent again, and I never had to deal with the kinds of things with my own kids that I'm dealing with now. Ross Greene's books "The Explosive Child" may help, and establish routines and structure with their buy-in. Have a predictable schedule and sameness from day to day will probably really help the kids in time. My husband and I have adapted to the increased demands, but I'm not going to lie: we are tired and in bed by 9. Do you see any light at the end of the tunnel? We've come to realize that my daughter will never be in a position to raise these kids. She's around here and there, father is out of the picture for all practical purposes. I go from being extremely angry and frustrated with my daughter, glad I can have my grandkids with me instead of constantly worrying about them, fear for my future if my husband or myself gets sick or just can't do this anymore.

    Bless your heart and those kids are so lucky to have you. I ended up in foster care because my grandparents couldn't/wouldn't step up to help. Stick around--lots of support here.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I adopted a boy who had crack in his system when he was born. If birthmother said YES to crack I am sure she drank too. He also had syphillis.

    When a developing babys brain is ecposed to cocaine, meth, alcohol etc in utero their brain will be damaged in some way and you need to get on board with community services for interventions, likt PT, Occupational Therapist (OT), speech, whatever. Let professionals point you in the right direction


    The first week we adopted Sonic we took him to a renowned Chicago clinic to see the degree of damage he had incurred and how we could help him overcome his damage from the drugs. You can also go to a neuro psychologist (this is not a neurologist) and have them all intensively evaluated and directed to the right help. The scchools are not equipped to diagnose brain differences due to prenatal drug use. Or what to do about it.

    My son does not hsve fetal alcohol effects. He dodged that very terrible bullet. He does have a form of autism. With interventions startimg at birth he got better quickly and is now independent, with just a little community support, at 23. He works part time, handles and pays for his own apartment and and gets some social security. He will be self sufficient when I die and I am relieved.

    Dont pretend it will get better. This is brain damage. The sooner you evaluate them to see the degree of damage, the sooner you can get them the proper help. The earlier, I was told, the better the prognosis.

    I cant imagine how tired you must be. My son, when young, wore me out and I was only 40. But he was worth it. But it took getting him early services snd staying on top of school to get him to be the calm, sweet, loving and functional young man he is today.

    This is beyond discipline it is medical. It is not a psycholigical problem and parenting plans dont work with these expised kids. I admire that you took so much on!! Kudos! Make sure tpu sign up for respite. Do you have any help?
     
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome Soaring,

    Have your grandkids been evaluated by any professional?

    Any diagnoses?

    Are they receiving services from the state or locality?

    If they haven't, you might start with your local school district for evaluations.

    If they have services in place or diagnoses, let us know (to the extent you feel comfortable) what these are, as more info could help to guide you in your next step.

    Please stick around, as there are many helpful people here, and it is a great place just to talk with people who are in, or have been in, similar situations.

    Apple
     
  5. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    My adopted son was born addicted to cocaine. He hasn't had any behavioral problems as of yet, but has multiple severe anxiety disorders with depression that can be crippling. He has mild ADHD, but doesn't have to take medications for that. He is a very curious kid and likes to set and achieve goals, which is why his ADHD hasn't caused his grades to drop. If our son isn't involved in activities and constantly coming and going, he will have a nuclear meltdown. He doesn't handle boredom well. He swims, volunteers at the animal shelter, and sometimes goes to the indoor climbing wall. It's exhausting for us to run him back and forth everywhere. But, he has to be constantly busy or he gets depressed and has panic attacks. Variety is good. If he sits around watching TV or doing nothing, that is when the problems start.

    Get the grandchildren into therapy. Our son started going at age 4 and still goes.
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    And my son has no behavior problems and never difd, busy or not. He got good grades all through school but he also got help.

    We dont know what would work for your kids. I do think the professionals made my son the super, calm, happy young adult he is today. And some great Special Education teachers.

    My son was not diagnosed correctly until he was 11. As they get older and more is expected of them, socially and academically, new issues can show up. Do be ready. Expect surprises. Get your ducks in a row.

    You are a brave and blessed soul to raise three difficult grandkids at a later age. My hat goes off to you.
     
  7. soaringspirit

    soaringspirit New Member

    I can so identify with you. No I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't foresee either parent ever being able to take over the care, and I don't really think I would want them too. Family court judge placed them both on the registry for child abuse and neglect due to their alcohol and drug use during the pregnancies. 2 of the kids tested positive for cocaine at birth.
     
  8. soaringspirit

    soaringspirit New Member

    Had a therapist coming to our home for 2 of the children, but did not bring about any real change. Not sure where to seek out good therapy for kids/us. They must accept Medicaid also.
     
  9. soaringspirit

    soaringspirit New Member

     
  10. soaringspirit

    soaringspirit New Member

    We have had evaluations. done by the University of SC Pediatric Developmental and Behavioral Clinic (through my initiative). I don't think they cued in enough on possible alcohol effects even though I let them know I let them know it was my big concern. It's interesting however how better behaved they are with my daughter-in-law (not the bio mom). This daugh-in-law does usually keep them a couple of days a week.
     
  11. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    Soaring, you are a beautiful woman, but this is a public board. Anyone can read the posts without being a member.

    For privacy's sake, you should remove any identifying information, including your picture, from your posts.

    Other than that, welcome to the board and best of luck with-your grands/kids. I would have them evaluated as soon as possible by a specialist in FASD so you have a better idea of what you are facing as they continue to grow.