Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I want to delve a bit into a dynamic that is understandable but potentially quite damaging. The identification of danger, if and when we are in danger and by who.
We presume, at least I do, that there will be an alarm, a signal that reliably signals risk. Either I will feel fear or anxiety or the two, in response to danger. That is what I have presumed, that I will act accordingly by identifying the situation, leaving it and changing course.
It is interesting as I re-read this, that I have omitted an important element in response to danger: uncovering it, announcing it and trying to find remedy. This omission I will address below.
I have become aware that my Geiger counter can be off in certain situations. I see danger and feel it. But I do not get the emotional trigger, the signal. When danger comes in a specific package, I do not want to believe it.
In these situations I believe I fear I am doing something wrong if I allow myself to see ill motive, let alone speak of it. So I silence myself. But I stay away. I do not sound an alarm to myself or to others. I do not take responsibility to name the danger or deception or to do my very best to counteract or to clarify it.
My family for me was a dangerous place. I could not feel afraid in all the circumstances and times I was in danger, or I would have lived in perpetual fear. I could not see or hear the alarm of danger, because it came from those that I loved and loved me. I learned to see and feel myself being harmed...and to blind myself to the intent of the perpetrator. They did it by accident, my mistake or through ignorance, I would tell myself. Or because I was bad or I deserved to be harmed or punished or diminished. And I covered it up, covered up in myself the awareness of intent and of responsibility of others. And took it on myself. I acted against myself.
They did not know better. They did not know it would hurt me. They did not mean it. They needed it more. I was a bad or undeserving girl. All untruths.
I would nurse my wounds. And go on.
It is very sad for children such as I was.
I see now that there was intent to hurt. Very much so. Intent to rob. Intent to dominate. Intent to hoard anything good. Intent to take credit for what was my own. Intent to take every bit of everything. At the very least there was a willful and convenient blindness, and a disavowal of responsibility for acts.
Pretending to be vulnerable. Pretending to be the victim. Casting blame and responsibility to others. Which I accepted.
And if there was nothing left for me. So be it. I would want less.
I am dedicating myself to changing this. To recognizing intent that is hurtful. The intent to subvert. To hoard. To rob. To silence. To deprecate. To shame. To marginalize and to shun.
I believe as I reread this that I have refused to feel the effects of these hurtful actions because I would be angry. Too angry to remain a good little girl.
I am vowing to recognize it when I see it in myself and in others and to name it. Kindly. Appropriately. To clarify when needed. I cannot call myself responsible and not do this.
Because I realize that it is a question of integrity. My own. That every cloudy or concealed statement left unchallenged calls into question my integrity. And I will not be a woman without integrity. Now that I know.
This vow goes both ways. Because I can sometimes see threat where it does not exist. This is also a lacking of integrity. I will work on that, too.
I am seeing that the person who I cannot trust fully, is myself. I vow to change that.
I alluded a bit to this: the feeling of danger which we project, I project, onto others, without clarification if indeed it is a true and real thing, this danger. Based upon my own fears and internalized hurts. This is the other side of the coin, to deprive myself of a trust in others. Blinded be my own fear. So much harder, this. When the foe is an internal one.
COPA
We presume, at least I do, that there will be an alarm, a signal that reliably signals risk. Either I will feel fear or anxiety or the two, in response to danger. That is what I have presumed, that I will act accordingly by identifying the situation, leaving it and changing course.
It is interesting as I re-read this, that I have omitted an important element in response to danger: uncovering it, announcing it and trying to find remedy. This omission I will address below.
I have become aware that my Geiger counter can be off in certain situations. I see danger and feel it. But I do not get the emotional trigger, the signal. When danger comes in a specific package, I do not want to believe it.
In these situations I believe I fear I am doing something wrong if I allow myself to see ill motive, let alone speak of it. So I silence myself. But I stay away. I do not sound an alarm to myself or to others. I do not take responsibility to name the danger or deception or to do my very best to counteract or to clarify it.
My family for me was a dangerous place. I could not feel afraid in all the circumstances and times I was in danger, or I would have lived in perpetual fear. I could not see or hear the alarm of danger, because it came from those that I loved and loved me. I learned to see and feel myself being harmed...and to blind myself to the intent of the perpetrator. They did it by accident, my mistake or through ignorance, I would tell myself. Or because I was bad or I deserved to be harmed or punished or diminished. And I covered it up, covered up in myself the awareness of intent and of responsibility of others. And took it on myself. I acted against myself.
They did not know better. They did not know it would hurt me. They did not mean it. They needed it more. I was a bad or undeserving girl. All untruths.
I would nurse my wounds. And go on.
It is very sad for children such as I was.
I see now that there was intent to hurt. Very much so. Intent to rob. Intent to dominate. Intent to hoard anything good. Intent to take credit for what was my own. Intent to take every bit of everything. At the very least there was a willful and convenient blindness, and a disavowal of responsibility for acts.
Pretending to be vulnerable. Pretending to be the victim. Casting blame and responsibility to others. Which I accepted.
And if there was nothing left for me. So be it. I would want less.
I am dedicating myself to changing this. To recognizing intent that is hurtful. The intent to subvert. To hoard. To rob. To silence. To deprecate. To shame. To marginalize and to shun.
I believe as I reread this that I have refused to feel the effects of these hurtful actions because I would be angry. Too angry to remain a good little girl.
I am vowing to recognize it when I see it in myself and in others and to name it. Kindly. Appropriately. To clarify when needed. I cannot call myself responsible and not do this.
Because I realize that it is a question of integrity. My own. That every cloudy or concealed statement left unchallenged calls into question my integrity. And I will not be a woman without integrity. Now that I know.
This vow goes both ways. Because I can sometimes see threat where it does not exist. This is also a lacking of integrity. I will work on that, too.
I am seeing that the person who I cannot trust fully, is myself. I vow to change that.
I alluded a bit to this: the feeling of danger which we project, I project, onto others, without clarification if indeed it is a true and real thing, this danger. Based upon my own fears and internalized hurts. This is the other side of the coin, to deprive myself of a trust in others. Blinded be my own fear. So much harder, this. When the foe is an internal one.
COPA
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