Birthday invitation

[Malika]

A man in the village came to deliver an invitation for J to his daughter's sixth birthday party this Saturday. So we were talking about that when J mentioned that another of the (three) girls in his class recently had a birthday party and that J was not invited; he said that the little girl's mother told him that her mother didn't want him there... I felt a little shocked and saddened for J, although in another way I understand, I guess - an indoor birthday with J rushing around and being loud and excited is not what everyone would choose. But... it feels very unfriendly, in such a small community. At the moment J seems unaffected by it but it would only get harder as he gets older and begins to understand. He is going to be in for a fair amount of social rejection in France, generally, of course - and already I have fallen out of friendship with a French woman locally because J was rude to her 9 year old son and he got upset; her thesis is that J is the way he is because I am not authoritarian enough... Some people will understand and others won't and that's just the way it is. Life becomes altered with a hyperactive child; you can't do many of the things that other people take for granted like going to a restaurant with friends or going round to people's houses that are not good friends... I know that social isolation is one of the features of life for these children and it makes me sad. We are not good at welcoming difference. It is hard for others to accept them, one can understand that and yet... they have every right to be loved and welcomed on god's earth!

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

 

[DDD]

Although I know that you live in a village rather than a city like we did I'm glad it is not so very small that every party is seen and heard by everyone. My first difficult child (referred to as GFGmom in my posts) was only invited to one party as a youngster. She was so completely excited and happy that I remember it clearly forty years after the fact. For some reason, Lord knows why, she accepted my blanket explanation that most families limited the number of children invited to parties, often had lots of family members that came...so they just didn't have room for everyone.

I'm glad that he is going with the flow and that you are, too. You're right to assume there will be many exclusions. Sigh. on the other hand when I thought back to my childhood none of us were invited to every party. Sometimes my Mom even had to force me to go when I didn't particularly like the child. I was a polite, easy child kid. Fingers crossed that he doesn't see it as a personal rejection. Hugs DDD

 

[Malika]

Yes, you're right, DDD - though when you are the only child in the whole school who is not invited, it is a bit... what does one say? Let's stick with unfriendly. Since it is such a tiny school - about 25 kids - the convention is to invite everyone to parties.
I myself am a bit nervous about this Saturday's party. The parties J has been to up to now have all been in big spaces - activity centres, children's farms - and this is the first time he has gone to a party inside someone's house. This is the kind of occasion when, selfishly, I would be happy to consider giving him some calming drug for the day J is generally better behaved in public than he is at home but he will still be rumbunctious... What can you do? He can't be excluded from life itself.

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs* and good luck. As J gets older more talks about appropriate behavior and self-control on his part can help. Kiddo and I came up with phrases to clue her in to when she needed to tone things down without others knowing that she was being told. Whether it's a phrase that only has meaning to you two or is in a language that the others don't know, go with what works for you, but it's worth trying out. For us it's "Can you help me?" in Russian. Be on hand, but part of the background, unless you're needed. Ask if you can help with set-up or clean-up, to get to know the parents and give you an excuse to hang around the other grown-ups and be part of the scenery.

It doesn't work every time but if you try it let me know how it goes.

 

[Malika]

Thanks, HaoZi. To be honest, I was hoping to disappear for the duration J is systematically worse behaved and over-excited when I am present. I could plead pressure of work which is actually true at the moment.

 

[HaoZi]

There are situations where Kiddo does better without my presence, too. Go with what works for you! I'd be available by phone quickly, though (just in case, as I'm sure you are!).

 

[DDD]

The host is having 25 children inside their home for a birthday party?? Yikes! I'd be hyperkinetic in that situation.
Lordy...I'm sending supportive hugs but for once I have no advice to offer. What a challenge. DDD

 

[Malika]

Lol, DDD. All children are invited but not all go - birthday parties are not sacrosanct here, like they are in England

 

[tiredmommy]

Malika~ I wouldn't normally give this advice for a child as young as your difficult child, but it may be worth a try in these sorts of situations.

Coffee.

Give him a little one morning this week before school and see if there's a little change for the better where his activity level in concerned. If it works, give him a little before events like this in the future.

 

[DDD]

TM, I had completely forgotten about coffee. I gave GFGmom coffee back in the 60's before the stimulant medicine became available. It didn't work wonders but it did seem to help her calm down abit before we ventured out. I've noticed on Toddlers and Tiaras show that most of the Moms give their kids pixie sticks or some energy drinks. Unlike alot of you I'm not too swift on nutritional contents etc. but don't some of the newer drinks include caffein? by the way, my difficult child thought she was hot stuff, lol, because her easy child siblings weren't allowed to have any coffee and she was. LOL DDD

 

[Malika]

I have given J coffee once before and it didn't seem to have any effect at all. But I will try again tomorrow (no school day and we spend most of it together). How much should I give him? If he will drink it... he has become SO picky about food and drink.

 

[DDD]

LOL, I don't remember. I think I just gave difficult child a half cup with milk in it. In my case it made her feel grown up and special and helped...a little. It wasn't magic. I was reminiscing more than recommending. That was before Ritalin even was on the market and I happened to read about it somewhere. The theory was that caffeine was a stimulant and that some hyperactive people found it calming. He could turn into a little whirling dervish. Yikes. DDD

 

[InsaneCdn]

... or strong black tea... which is what K2 used while we were waiting for her evaluation... for her it was about 6 ounces, with a bit of honey in it.

 

[tiredmommy]

I usually give Duckie about 4 ounces (as a boost when her asthma is acting up). I think I would try no more than 2 or 3 ounces for child so young. Let him mix it up however he likes: milk or cream, some sugar, cinnamon. Anything that makes it palatable.

 

[Malika]

Hmm... just thinking through how it will likely go tomorrow morning if I present J with half a cup of coffee. He will want to know WHY he is being asked to drink this. If I tell him that it is to see if it slows him down, he will probably refuse to take it as he always insists he likes to be "fast"... Any bright ideas? Although he is only five, it is hard to palm him off with the nearest story that comes to mind. He has a phenomenal memory, remembers every conversation, every detail of things, where anything has been left, and seems in some ways very sharp. So I need to plan the conversation

 

[InsaneCdn]

K2 used to get headaches... caused by trying to hold herself together. She was well aware of the headaches but not the cause. We told her it was to try to keep the headache from getting so bad... (and it did that...) It was 100% true, but not 100% of the story...

 

[tiredmommy]

Could you pander to him a little? "Oh my, J! You are such a big boy now that I thought you might enjoy something that adults like? We can mix it up in a way you'll like...."

 

[Ktllc]

It used to be pretty common for French kids to drink coffee for breakfast. I still remember my brother drinking it. I feel old now! lol
What you could try: coffee with just the right amount of milk to match his skin color! It used to be a fun game for kids that were white like the snow.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Café au lait was a daily breakfast drink in my family. I had a Quimper eared bowl with my name on it. It consisted of half milk, half coffee, the milk was boiled and had a skin on it. I hated the texture. Have they stopped giving children coffee in France?