Marguerite
Active Member
ThreeShadows, you said,
I think the problem here is - he's IN therapy, of sorts, and is following the advice he's been given. I can hear it now, a self-help group of other newly-fledged gays, all scratching at the world and trying to find someone else to blame for their pain. Because while it is NOT a lifestyle choice, it IS a lifestyle of difficulty and a lot of pain. Others in the group (or the gay therapist he's using for counselling) are undoubtedly projecting their own pain and experiences and encouraging him to lash out first so he can justify the rejection he is fully expecting. And if he continues to have a massive chip on his shoulder like this, then he WILL find himself rejected. Rightly so. But of course, he will blame it all on you, or on his being gay, and will be in a pattern of always blaming others and never taking personal responsibility.
Being gay does not give you a free pass to be nasty to everyone else, and then blame rejection on being gay. Nosirree.
Katya, do you think the letter has been prompted by a counsellor? (an idiot counsellor, but gay groups have plenty of those!) It would make sense to me.
The gay community has a lot of wonderful people. It also has a lot of really nasty, mean, dysfunctional people. He is 19 and vulnerable, especially to the nasty control freak kind of gay who wants to use other people to wage their own vendetta on the straight world.
Ok, now to look at the letter and the issues -
That letter is setting you up for failure and for further criticism from him. If you react (as you should) with hurt, then you are disobeying his orders (and what right does he have, to tell you how to feel?) If you fail to feel hurt (as he instructed) then obviously his attack on you and its failure to wound shows you don't care about him as much as you said.
So whichever way you look at it - he has the perfect excuse to get angry even more. But he laid the groundwork in tat letter, it has been worded very skilfully, which is why I think it's been drafted by someone else, he's been egged on to write this.
I will seem to be digressing here but bear with me - easy child 2/difficult child 2 was going out with exBF for several years. His mates didn't like her, I think mostly because he was the first in his group of (all male) friends to get a girlfriend, and it was the beginning of the break-up of their group. Once a girl comes on the scene, a guy is less available to his mates. So they resented easy child 2/difficult child 2. Then exBF would talk to his mates at times when he and easy child 2/difficult child 2 were not able to be together (usually because she had studies, or work) and the mates would feed his insecurities.
Finally exBF decided to break up with easy child 2/difficult child 2. In tis he was encouraged by his mates, who wanted their buddy back in the fold with no distractions. So they were actually in the background when he rang to talk to her and break up with her. She said she could hear them in the room. Then, to make sure he wouldn't change his mind (which actually, he did) - they took him out for a few beers then went home to his computer, made him draft some posts online about easy child 2/difficult child 2, really catty posts about "she has the maturity of a 12 year old and the breasts to match" (which they knew was a sore point with her). Really nasty, childish stuff.
But exBF was sad to lose her, he then spent the weekend with easy child 2/difficult child 2's friends and told them how awful she had been, at the same time as calling her and asking to get back together again.
He has since told us about his (now former) mates' involvement in forcing the break-up. We've met his new girlfriend and seen evidence in his life - he is NOT over easy child 2/difficult child 2 in any way.
Very sad.
But it was all forced by his friends, he was too easily influenced. Frankly, I'm glad they have broken up, very glad she moved on fast and is now married to the bloke who came after.
What I'm trying to say - your son is away at college. He's found a new direction in his life, taking him off at a very different tangent. At his stage, he's probably seeing the world as us and them, black and white, gay and straight. One of the other. Nothing in between. Right and wrong.
But we all know, it's not like that.
The problem is, he is being forced to make a choice, to make decisions that will burn his bridges. So to make sure he is ready to do this, and to actually make sure he actually can't turn back - he has been "encouraged" to write this letter. He obviously has been feeling pain, but has chosen to dump the entire load of pain onto you, rightly or wrongly. Frankly, this is NOT a healthy choice (although it is what some therapists would choose to do) because he is still focussing on the past and not the future. Also it's forcing the issue when at a lot of levels, he may not be ready.
I'm wondering if this is a college thing. Or maybe it's simply the time of their life, when a young man, first away from the influence of home and seeing a wider range of experiences, finds himself also surrounded by new friends who are pulling him in directions he probably isn't quite ready for, but also doesn't have the strength to resist.
As for not telling your husband - what you tell him is up to you, nobody else can dictate. If someone has a secret to tell you, they should first ask you for confidentiality, and ascertain your willingness to keep the secret, before divulging. But you have several levels of issue in this letter:
1) He blames you for his emotional pain.
2) He is announcing his imminent arrival publicly on the gay scene.
3) he is anticipating your rejection and so is rejecting you first.
4) He is trying to control you and control your reactions - this is inappropriate, unfair and setting you up for failure, as well as justification of his rejection of you. He's trying to have it all his way.
5) He plans to be just as hurtful to each other member of his family, each in turn, and you are forbidden form warning them. This of course will damage your relationship with them and the mutual trust you all have.
How sure can you be that they haven't already received their letters? If your instinctive response to this question is, "But I would have known, they would have told me..." then HOW would you know? How sure are you they would have told you? And if you are sure they would have told you - WHY are you not telling THEM?
I do think it is perfectly acceptable, even if you plan to keep this confidence, to tell your family, "I received a letter from difficult child 2 in which he blames me and the religious upbringing you have all had, for his emotional pain. HIs letter has upset me a great deal, because he seems to be rejecting the love I have for each one of you, and the loving way I have tried to always do the right thing for you, within my ability as a mother. He has also said he will be writing to each one of you, and I am also not permitted to feel upset, nor am I permitted to tell you in detail what he has written to me."
I would at the very least say this to your husband. Your relationship with him goes further back than your relationship with your son. Your son has absolutely no right to put any barrier between you and your husband. None whatsoever. If your son had said to you, "My father molested me as a child," then the first thing you should do is talk to your husband to find out his response to that accusation.
The problem is, a lot of people in the gay community blame religion for their own sense of rejection. But while some people use faith as an excuse to attack gays and to reject them, it is always a personal choice. And the choice to feel rejected or not - also a personal choice.
I wouldn't reject this son when he comes home - it is what he expects, but also what he will almost triumphantly embrace if/when it happens, and happily blame you. The person who pushed him to write that letter will then respond with an "I told you so," and comfort him, adding to the breach he has already caused by getting him to write this letter.
If instead you respond with love, this will take the wind out of his sails. When you expect hurt and anger, then you are braced for it. Please, make it clear tat you love him as he is.
But also make it clear - that letter was needlessly hurtful, there was absolutely no reason to be so vicious and so mean. If he's feeling upset and angry, then you should always be able to talk about it. But he has to take some personal responsibility for feelings - just as you have your own right to feel hurt by what he said (and he cannot tell you otherwise), so he has to accept tat he has his own right to be hurt, or not, by what happens in his life.
He has acted immaturely and badly. He has hurt you even though you love him. Of course there will have been times when he felt ignored while your attentions were caught up with siblings. But ALL kids feel this way! His 'gayness' has absolutely nothing to do with this at all! Choosing to blame being gay, for the rejection, is childish.
It will be very difficult to be loving and welcoming when he comes home. Someone somewhere is counting on this, and counting on him being hypersensitive and storming out in a scene, swearing to disown you all. Whatever you do, try to do your utmost to leave the door open. But make it clear - independent of his pain, his gayness, or whatever - you do NOT deliberately hurt people like this. Any hurt you ever caused him, was never done with malice aforethought the way this was. Yes, he has a right to say, "mom, you hurt me. I felt hurt when you only saw my brother and ignored me." But he has to let you TALK about it with him, for heaven's sake!
The best thing for him now, is a supportive family. He is coming out, he really needs as much support as possible. But someone in his support circle is being possessive and trying to cut you all out of his life.
I don't think this letter came entirely from him.
But yes, he signed his name to it and allowed it to be sent, so he deserves his new difficult child status.
This is so painful for you, you poor darling.
The only advice I can give you, is to never stop loving. It is painful, but it is better than to have a hard heart.
Let us know how you get on.
Marg
I think the problem here is - he's IN therapy, of sorts, and is following the advice he's been given. I can hear it now, a self-help group of other newly-fledged gays, all scratching at the world and trying to find someone else to blame for their pain. Because while it is NOT a lifestyle choice, it IS a lifestyle of difficulty and a lot of pain. Others in the group (or the gay therapist he's using for counselling) are undoubtedly projecting their own pain and experiences and encouraging him to lash out first so he can justify the rejection he is fully expecting. And if he continues to have a massive chip on his shoulder like this, then he WILL find himself rejected. Rightly so. But of course, he will blame it all on you, or on his being gay, and will be in a pattern of always blaming others and never taking personal responsibility.
Being gay does not give you a free pass to be nasty to everyone else, and then blame rejection on being gay. Nosirree.
Katya, do you think the letter has been prompted by a counsellor? (an idiot counsellor, but gay groups have plenty of those!) It would make sense to me.
The gay community has a lot of wonderful people. It also has a lot of really nasty, mean, dysfunctional people. He is 19 and vulnerable, especially to the nasty control freak kind of gay who wants to use other people to wage their own vendetta on the straight world.
Ok, now to look at the letter and the issues -
That letter is setting you up for failure and for further criticism from him. If you react (as you should) with hurt, then you are disobeying his orders (and what right does he have, to tell you how to feel?) If you fail to feel hurt (as he instructed) then obviously his attack on you and its failure to wound shows you don't care about him as much as you said.
So whichever way you look at it - he has the perfect excuse to get angry even more. But he laid the groundwork in tat letter, it has been worded very skilfully, which is why I think it's been drafted by someone else, he's been egged on to write this.
I will seem to be digressing here but bear with me - easy child 2/difficult child 2 was going out with exBF for several years. His mates didn't like her, I think mostly because he was the first in his group of (all male) friends to get a girlfriend, and it was the beginning of the break-up of their group. Once a girl comes on the scene, a guy is less available to his mates. So they resented easy child 2/difficult child 2. Then exBF would talk to his mates at times when he and easy child 2/difficult child 2 were not able to be together (usually because she had studies, or work) and the mates would feed his insecurities.
Finally exBF decided to break up with easy child 2/difficult child 2. In tis he was encouraged by his mates, who wanted their buddy back in the fold with no distractions. So they were actually in the background when he rang to talk to her and break up with her. She said she could hear them in the room. Then, to make sure he wouldn't change his mind (which actually, he did) - they took him out for a few beers then went home to his computer, made him draft some posts online about easy child 2/difficult child 2, really catty posts about "she has the maturity of a 12 year old and the breasts to match" (which they knew was a sore point with her). Really nasty, childish stuff.
But exBF was sad to lose her, he then spent the weekend with easy child 2/difficult child 2's friends and told them how awful she had been, at the same time as calling her and asking to get back together again.
He has since told us about his (now former) mates' involvement in forcing the break-up. We've met his new girlfriend and seen evidence in his life - he is NOT over easy child 2/difficult child 2 in any way.
Very sad.
But it was all forced by his friends, he was too easily influenced. Frankly, I'm glad they have broken up, very glad she moved on fast and is now married to the bloke who came after.
What I'm trying to say - your son is away at college. He's found a new direction in his life, taking him off at a very different tangent. At his stage, he's probably seeing the world as us and them, black and white, gay and straight. One of the other. Nothing in between. Right and wrong.
But we all know, it's not like that.
The problem is, he is being forced to make a choice, to make decisions that will burn his bridges. So to make sure he is ready to do this, and to actually make sure he actually can't turn back - he has been "encouraged" to write this letter. He obviously has been feeling pain, but has chosen to dump the entire load of pain onto you, rightly or wrongly. Frankly, this is NOT a healthy choice (although it is what some therapists would choose to do) because he is still focussing on the past and not the future. Also it's forcing the issue when at a lot of levels, he may not be ready.
I'm wondering if this is a college thing. Or maybe it's simply the time of their life, when a young man, first away from the influence of home and seeing a wider range of experiences, finds himself also surrounded by new friends who are pulling him in directions he probably isn't quite ready for, but also doesn't have the strength to resist.
As for not telling your husband - what you tell him is up to you, nobody else can dictate. If someone has a secret to tell you, they should first ask you for confidentiality, and ascertain your willingness to keep the secret, before divulging. But you have several levels of issue in this letter:
1) He blames you for his emotional pain.
2) He is announcing his imminent arrival publicly on the gay scene.
3) he is anticipating your rejection and so is rejecting you first.
4) He is trying to control you and control your reactions - this is inappropriate, unfair and setting you up for failure, as well as justification of his rejection of you. He's trying to have it all his way.
5) He plans to be just as hurtful to each other member of his family, each in turn, and you are forbidden form warning them. This of course will damage your relationship with them and the mutual trust you all have.
How sure can you be that they haven't already received their letters? If your instinctive response to this question is, "But I would have known, they would have told me..." then HOW would you know? How sure are you they would have told you? And if you are sure they would have told you - WHY are you not telling THEM?
I do think it is perfectly acceptable, even if you plan to keep this confidence, to tell your family, "I received a letter from difficult child 2 in which he blames me and the religious upbringing you have all had, for his emotional pain. HIs letter has upset me a great deal, because he seems to be rejecting the love I have for each one of you, and the loving way I have tried to always do the right thing for you, within my ability as a mother. He has also said he will be writing to each one of you, and I am also not permitted to feel upset, nor am I permitted to tell you in detail what he has written to me."
I would at the very least say this to your husband. Your relationship with him goes further back than your relationship with your son. Your son has absolutely no right to put any barrier between you and your husband. None whatsoever. If your son had said to you, "My father molested me as a child," then the first thing you should do is talk to your husband to find out his response to that accusation.
The problem is, a lot of people in the gay community blame religion for their own sense of rejection. But while some people use faith as an excuse to attack gays and to reject them, it is always a personal choice. And the choice to feel rejected or not - also a personal choice.
I wouldn't reject this son when he comes home - it is what he expects, but also what he will almost triumphantly embrace if/when it happens, and happily blame you. The person who pushed him to write that letter will then respond with an "I told you so," and comfort him, adding to the breach he has already caused by getting him to write this letter.
If instead you respond with love, this will take the wind out of his sails. When you expect hurt and anger, then you are braced for it. Please, make it clear tat you love him as he is.
But also make it clear - that letter was needlessly hurtful, there was absolutely no reason to be so vicious and so mean. If he's feeling upset and angry, then you should always be able to talk about it. But he has to take some personal responsibility for feelings - just as you have your own right to feel hurt by what he said (and he cannot tell you otherwise), so he has to accept tat he has his own right to be hurt, or not, by what happens in his life.
He has acted immaturely and badly. He has hurt you even though you love him. Of course there will have been times when he felt ignored while your attentions were caught up with siblings. But ALL kids feel this way! His 'gayness' has absolutely nothing to do with this at all! Choosing to blame being gay, for the rejection, is childish.
It will be very difficult to be loving and welcoming when he comes home. Someone somewhere is counting on this, and counting on him being hypersensitive and storming out in a scene, swearing to disown you all. Whatever you do, try to do your utmost to leave the door open. But make it clear - independent of his pain, his gayness, or whatever - you do NOT deliberately hurt people like this. Any hurt you ever caused him, was never done with malice aforethought the way this was. Yes, he has a right to say, "mom, you hurt me. I felt hurt when you only saw my brother and ignored me." But he has to let you TALK about it with him, for heaven's sake!
The best thing for him now, is a supportive family. He is coming out, he really needs as much support as possible. But someone in his support circle is being possessive and trying to cut you all out of his life.
I don't think this letter came entirely from him.
But yes, he signed his name to it and allowed it to be sent, so he deserves his new difficult child status.
This is so painful for you, you poor darling.
The only advice I can give you, is to never stop loving. It is painful, but it is better than to have a hard heart.
Let us know how you get on.
Marg
