hello everyone, somehow out of desperation i googled "how to disengage from daughter with borderline personality disorder" and i was directed to this website. after reading many helpful comments i knew i needed to sign up, so i did..now i cannot find that thread! i would appreciate any help, my daughter is 36 & i'm almost 60.. she's literally killing me emotionally/mentally or i should say i have allowed her to all of her life & i'm just unable to go on. i need real help on how to just really let go & disengage, i now know i can't argue or state my my feeling, hurt etc. to her! i love her with all my heart, however my youngest daughter is profoundly autistic & she is just overwhelming & heart breaking for very different reasons (she is innocent). i cry everyday now at the prospect of disengaging with my older daughter, she will be livid, cruel & filled with rage! however, i know i have to do this if i'm gonna ever have a chance at getting mentally well. my youngest needs me! thank you for any help suggestions! oh, the deal is that i'm going up north to be with my youngest daughter for her birthday next month & i have chosen not to tell my oldest daughter (she lives only 10 miles) from her younger sister, yet has nothing to do with her at all..this is her recent behaviour since last september when i flew up there along with my son who flew from texas so we could have a family reunion. i bought 4 tickest to see rod stewart for all of us including her partner & stayed at her new house. mind you this was all at her begging & invitation. i was more than elated & happy to be with all 3 of my children at the same time! as soon as we got there & i mean immediately she turned on me. would not allow her younger sister at her house ( used her dog as an excuse), so my son & i had to get a hotel room last minute for 2 nights so we could spend time with her. my oldest daughter made it very clear that my presence in her home was unwanted. she treated me very poorly & cruel..as always i didn't see it coming, it just broke my heart! she wanted to have complete control & changed all of the plans to her liking..anyway the whole trip was ruined & i've cried everyday since..now i just want to go up & spend time with my autistic daughter..no more hurt/drama/bullying/cruelty..i know she'll find out eventually, hope not until i leave. but she will just crucify me when she finds out that i came & didn't let her know..please help me with how to deal or not deal with the fall out! thank you so very much for letting just say all of this & get out there!