Yes, thank you Susie. I did send a reply to it. It was lovely. husband was looking over my shoulder.
We saw it just as we were going out, I think it arrived Sunday as we were heading out to church, and then my brother rang.
I'm less of a mess as days go by. husband & difficult child 3 are settling down a bit too. difficult child 3 has been working a bit better again. At some level I know I'm still agitated - because of my long-term neurological problems, I have to take frequent rest breaks and need to guard against getting too physically tired. I'm finding I'm getting tired too quickly and also I've been losing weight fairly quickly in the last few days. I've not changed how much I eat so I put both down to an increase in activity. There's no way it's the cancer. The weight loss is too sudden, I was struggling to not gain weight until a week ago.
That in itself is good news - after all this is over, I have to work harder at doing more physically, if I want to keep working on my weight.
I'm a pragmatic person. I think if I were younger and still at the back of my mind aware that I could have more kids, I wouldn't be coping so well. I've also lived with disability for 25 years plus before that I had serious problems with a deformed kidney. Having surgery for that when I was 20, greatly changed my life.
One pivotal moment - the hospital I was in was marvellous, they really looked after the patients. But I was a young girl, unmarried, conservative, modest. Very sensitive about my body. But I was very weak and groggy after the surgery for about the first week, I needed to be washed by the nurses. I got a more thorough wash than I'd ever given myself! And I was so sedated, I didn't care... afterwards, feeling clean and realising there was no need to feel embarrassed, I stopped feeling so self-conscious about naked bits of my body in a medical setting.
The second week I was on the phone to husband (fiance at the time) from the hospital room when a very attractive male nurse came in to do my back rub (bedsore preventive). I just stayed talking on the phone, until the bit where the nurse put alcohol on my back and fanned it - it was cold!
Having babies finished the last vestiges of self-consciousness.
I've had scars on my body since I was 18 and had my appendix out. The kidney scar at 20 was extensive. I used to tell people that my kidney scar was a shark bite.
I think that is making it a bit easier for me.
I'm absolutely blown away by all the support and warm wishes - I'm not used to it. I've had to soldier on alone for so long now, I'm used to being fairly self-sufficient. husband is a marvel always, of course, but outside the family I've learned that chronic illness (anything open-ended and long-term) is too much for people to take on board and support you with. It's a lot easier to provide support when it's finite. I'm accepting of this, it's simply human nature. We all have limited resources, and people who are chronically needy can sometimes be too much of a drain. Even if the need is genuine - people are limited in how much they can help. If the needy person is not "pulling their weight" they will be 'dropped' even sooner.
I've worked hard for years to not ever be seen as needy. If someone asks, "How are you?" I say, "fine." If I'm really not well I will answer in two words, always truthfully. But never more than two words. Usually the worst I'll say is, "Not good," and nothing more. If someone really wants to know, they will ask and then maybe I'll expand.
I'll ask for help if I need it, but usually I will organise it as professional help. Like my cleaner - it's a government agency providing home help for people with long-term health problems. It is subsidised but I pay a fee. I've also been working alongside the person. That is going to have to stop, because I'm recognising I need to rest a lot more.
So in some way - I also would have thought I'd be a mess if I were told I had breast cancer, let alone invasive cancer. And yet - I'm not. I'm OK. But I'm aware that somewhere in there, I'm stressed. That's probably good, because adrenaline gives you a survival edge.
Marg