broken relationship

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Teriobe, Feb 5, 2017.

  1. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Since my son went back to drugs and stealing and back to prison. I feel like our close relationship is broken. I gave soo much through out the years especially when he was in prison the first time. But this betrayal is affecting me. I do want to hear from him via ltr from time to time so i know hes alive. But i dont want to hear too often. I dont want phone calls, he called today but i didnt answer. I dont want to see him. Its like all the lies was a big game to him. I feel duped. I feel broken
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    You probably need a break from all the pain and disappointment. Step back. Focus on your self. Maybe get some help thru therapy, or reading books on codependent.

    I think parenting our kids can cause PTSD. It's like their actions and words can trigger our anxiety.

    Don't feel pressured to try and "fix" your relationship. Let him know you care and love him, but you need space to come to terms. Set up healthy boundaries.

    The Parent Emeritus forum has a Detachment article that is worth the read.

    Ksm
     
  3. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I know your right. But then i get feeling guilty about not being there for him. But i have to remind myself ive always been there and it didnt help. Im thinking of going to my sisters for a week in Colorado. Shes a funny lady, we always laugh together. I need that
     
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Teriobe:

    I learned how to set healthy boundaries with my son through therapy. It doesn't mean you don't LOVE them. In fact, I think it means just the opposite.

    Our adult children NEED boundaries as much as we do!

    There is no room for guilt here. You only feel guilty if you let yourself.

    Therapy helped me change how I think and our son is doing much better since he's been on his own. We do help him financially right now by paying 2/3 of his rent but he is doing most things on his own now and NEVER would have grown if he were in our home. We probably saved his life by backing off.

    Sometimes you have to do the opposite of what you THINK you SHOULD do. I learned that on this forum and I am thankful.
     
  5. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Well i talked to him today from jail. He says please dont stop writing me. I believe we are codependent on each other. My hubby was in military and gone alot when he was young, so its always been me and him. My hubby and son are quite toward each other. My husband doesn't like sons choices and he stole from hubby many times and son thinks hes a grouchy man. My hubby is a moody one. In pain alot from arthritis and some days his job gets to him. But if my son needed a pair of boots for a new job, he would take him and get the good kind. Not cheap walmart. Thats just example. I try to tell my son thats how dad shows he cares, he isnt a huggy kissy type. My hubby tried to do things with son when he was going thru puberty but son has mouth on him and hubby pulls away. So i did give extra to my son. So we are codependent. Cant go more than a week without talking or texting each other. Just thought we were close. But i guess not cuz of lies, and manupulation he does to me. Confussing
     
  6. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Wants me in his life but yet will steal from me too. I got a headache
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I say this gently and hopd you take it as such.

    You are enabling his bad behavior, like stealing and going to jail. So you are codependent. Your son isnt being codependent on you.Dependent maybe. He wants you in his life partly for money and other perks. All our kids here do.


    Codependence means I believe that you try to fix tje other person although you cant. But you keep giving and giving for naught.

    Your son is more taking from you than giving to you and stealing from you is abuse. So Im sure he loves you but he is also using you and sometimes abusing you. He certainly isnt trying to make your life better. Its a one way path of who is doing all the giving. You are.


    My uneducatrd guess is that you two are enmeshed, bit it seems you are not getting much out of your relationship other than sadness and disappointment. It is a process, but my guess is you will eventually detach from his drama out of necessity. You will still love him but will not get as emotionally involved in his decisions.

    Sometimes trying to do too much for somebody holds the other person back, from growing up and from accepting responsibility for his actions and it can make us sick to try to fix another loved one. Stress makes us sick and doesnt help the other person. We cant fix another. Only the peRson can do that...fix himself.

    I recommend reading Codrpendent No More by Melody Beattie. Great book on codependence. Very helpful to many.

    Sorry you are sad.
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2017