Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by devastated, Oct 5, 2015.

  1. devastated

    devastated New Member

    Forgive my newness......just found your website. My son is 29 years old, on November 4th, 2014 I caught him stealing from me. I thought for a long time he was, but couldn't prove it. Our relationship has totally gone down the tubes. Not only did he steal from me personally, he (we believe) took several items from the garage. My husband (his stepdad) said no more, not allowed in our house. We are so broken, this has been a pattern of his for years, stealing, drugs, no job, etc. He has a brother and sister that he has stolen from as well, and almost everyone that I know of.....for years and years. He is currently being treated as out patient at a Methadone Clinic, and receiving counseling there. He is so angry with rage, I know no matter how I help, I can't and it does no good. I am currently getting sued by his Landlord for $10K for damages....I signed the lease for him the day I caught him in my jewelry box, isn't that Karma or what? He is very angry that my Husband said he could not come to the house ever, and I agree with my husband, I do not trust him. I feel broken, and abused and sooo sad. I don't know where to turn or what to do. He told me that he has tried to commit suicide 2 times, and then stole money from my credit card (falsified a check) to pay for hospitalization...I think he was detoxing, but not sure. We have tried to help him for do I try to keep some kind of relationship with him?
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    devastated, let me be the first to welcome you and tell you how sorry I am that you have had to find us. As you can see by my signature, it has been a year that we put our son...then 19...out for stealing from us. We've tried to maintain a relationship, but we don't have quite the same addiction issues you have to deal with.

    It's hard. It is so very hard when your own child does this to you. The loss of trust, the hurt, is just unbearable. I wish I could offer you more than sympathy. But please know that you are not alone.

    Hold tight. Others will be along. :group-hug:
  3. devastated

    devastated New Member

    Just trying to remain connected somehow....I have no idea how to do this.....he feels abandoned, certainly he is good at making me feel guilty!
  4. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Short and simple seems to be best. "I'm sorry this has happened." "I'm sure things will work out." "I love you."

    You and your husband are right to do what you have done. You cannot live with someone who steals from you. Would you let anyone else in your house when you know they steal from you? I personally see nothing wrong with telling him that. "No. I love you but I can't trust you. You know what you did. Trust takes time to rebuild. Maybe, in time, things will change." YOU are the injured party here...not him.

    That doesn't mean you have to cut him off (though money MUST be cut off when you know it might go to drugs) but you can take him to lunch. You can tell him you love him.

    Sorry I'm not better at this today. Too much on my own mind. But I understand. They are so good at making US feel like WE'VE done something wrong. But you have not. Remember that.
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hello Devastated I am so sorry for your pain, it is a difficult place to be. I have been posting here for a short while and have found much comfort from the kind souls who have walked similar journeys.
    It is a hard thing to try to help our adult children and have them steal from us. I was thinking about it and figuring that we are easy targets, because we continue to try to help.
    The article on detachment in this forum is very good. Please read it. It helped me see some familar patterns. No one here can tell you what to do, it is your decision. We can share what we have experienced, in reading others stories, it helps to sort through the maze of emotions.
    For myself, I have decided to not have a relationship with my daughters until they quit drugs. It has been way too painful. They do not care how they hurt us or their siblings.
    It is too hard to keep trying, I have lost so much of myself In doing that. They have just gotten more mean and nasty. No one deserves to be mistreated.
    You are important, you matter.
    I hope Devasted you continue to post and share. Others will come along. You are not alone.
  6. devastated

    devastated New Member

    I hope for your continued strength......and I hope I can find an once of the strength that you have. Thank come these kids didn't come with warnings??
  7. devastated

    devastated New Member

    So sorry for your stress today....I am new at this, but you seem to have a very old soul. Stay strong in whatever your struggles are today. Thank you.
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I'm surviving devastated. And you will too. There are good days and bad. Today is a bad day - for us both it seems.
    Read the post on Detachment at the top of the forum. It is very helpful.
  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hah! My friend says if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn't have had kids. I am glad you have your sense of humor. Very important. My 14 year old helped me see the light " Mom, why are we helping someone who keeps stealing from us? I don't care if she is my sister, it's not right!"
    Addicts are so clever, they have a way with using our feelings against us. You will get stronger Devastated, when you stop looking at your 29 year old as the child he once was. My God, sued for 10,000? I would be in a tizzy! Nearly 30 years old. My hubs cousins are still trying to help their 50 year old son, they are in their late 70's!
    I gave my two daughters to God and pray He watch over them. I do not have a healthy relationship with them. They are spiteful. I have not given up, just given in to reality.
    Hang in there Devastated, you are much stronger than you think. Take off your Mother apron and put on your judge Judy robe and list the offenses your son has committed against you. This will help you to see how much he has taken advantage of you. It is unacceptable. We do not steal from our parents or anybody else.
    Praying for you and all those here.....
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Devestated,

    I totally understand how you feel. I have been there too. Currently my son, age 23 has just been through rehab (for the millionth time) but this time he did well because he made the choice to be there. Our relationship over the years has at times been pretty difficult... and he has stolen from us, treated us badly etc... and was very manipulative. So currently our relationship is doing much better and I am feeling hopeful for the future.

    So here are my thoughts on how you have some kind of relationship with him? It is almost impossible to have any kind of real relationship with someone who is using drugs. If they are actively using then the most important relationship to them is thier relationship with the no way is a relationship with you any kind of priority. There is literally nothing you can do about that. I think what is important in this stage is to have some very clear boundaries about what you will and will not do and stick with them no matter how manipulative or abusive he gets.

    I also think it is helpful in the long term to keep letting them know you love them. That doesnt mean giving them money or letting them come home.... keep your boundaries but you can tell them you love them.... you can stay in touch and I think you can let them know that when they want help you will help them get help.... whatever that means.

    And then it is letting them figure out for themselves what they need to do... it can be horribly difficult watching them make bad choices and doing things that are self destructive but you have no control over that.

    I suggest you find a live support group with other parents.... I think there are way more of us parents dealing with this kind of situation that people think... cause this is hard stuff to admit and to talk about.
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  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Welcome Devastated, and I am so sorry for your pain. You're at the right place, because your story is our story. My son was living here and stealing from me. That was my deal-breaker. It actually helped me to be able to see clearly that someone who was stealing from me from inside my own house could not be permitted to stay here. That was a black and white decision for me in a horrible situation when I thought everything was a shade of gray.

    This is 100 percent correct. When I started learning about addiction, and where the addiction "center" is in in the brain---in the same place that breathing is---that helped me understand that my son's drive to get drugs was primal. It was like breathing to him. So me and my wants and needs weren't even on the list anymore. It wasn't about me or against me or for me. I was merely a pawn in his quest to get more drugs, and for years I was a very easy pawn, a soft touch.

    For most of us here on this forum, this has been a deal breaker. I remember the day I went to Home Depot and got slide locks for the outer doors in my house and rekeyed the main locks. I cried and sobbed the entire time as we walked through the store buying these things. I couldn't conceive that I was barricading myself inside a house to keep my own son out. But it was real and that is exactly what I had to do.

    I don't even think they think of what they are doing, when they are so focused on their addiction.

    And sadly, even if people stop using, if they don't reorder their thinking, they are just "dry drunks" at that time, people who aren't using physically but still have the same selfish mentality of a drug addict or an alcoholic. Many people say the dry drunk is actually harder to live with.

    Addiction is awful and it mows down everything and everybody in its path.

    All we can do is get out of the way until our loved one decides he is sick and tired enough of his life to want it to change. If we don't provide that safety net, perhaps the day will come sooner rather than later.

    This doesn't take away the pain that you are feeling, and that pain is real and valid. We so understand that. I grieved for months and years and could barely function for long periods of time. But I came through it, even though he wasn't better at all for long long after that, and I started to live again.

    I realized he wasn't my precious little boy anymore. He was a grown man. That took time to grasp, for me, but I finally did, and was able to start letting him go.

    This is hard stuff, and we are here for you. Keep posting. We care.
  12. Tired and Hopeful

    Tired and Hopeful New Member

    I wish I had answers to you, but I do not. I am new to this forum as well, and the strength and courage of the posters amaze and encourage me. It is a hard awakening to know that things with your child are not right, but you have to move forward, one step at a time. Sometimes our children have to fall to the lowest rung before they can begin an upward climb. That is all I know, hard as it is.
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi Dev,

    Just wanted to welcome you to this forum and see how you are doing.