Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Nov 24, 2010.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    difficult child blew it! we are suppose to go see him this weekend and he had earned his phase 2 so that we could take him on pass. He called today to tell me that he can NOT go on pass and he will understand if we don't want to go see him (it's his 18th b-day) I asked why he lost his pass and he said that it was because he didn't get up on time for a couple of days. I am sure that there is more to the story but it makes it hard to drive soo far to see him and then have to sit in the cafeteria for several hours. I guess I am just getting too old for this ****.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    *hugs* hon. I hope you manage to have a decent (and if you're driving, safe!) holiday and birthday for him somehow.
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i'm sorry that is sad. I hope you still enjoy the visit even if it isnt' what you had all hoped for

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Honestly Mog, I would forgo the visit. It was him that caused the loss of his level so he needs to feel the pain of the consequences. We did this more than once when my son was in his Residential Treatment Center (RTC). In fact, it was my son who came up with the idea. We lived over an hour and a half from his placement on a good traffic day and he decided that if he couldnt leave the building, he didnt want us to travel up to see him. We would call and speak to him but not go visit. It did help to motivate him to keep his levels up.

    I know how hard it is to not have your son with you on a holiday or his birthday. been there done that many times. It sure isnt the way things are supposed to be. However, it is the way things will be in the future when he grows up. Right now, I wont have but one of my sons here on Thanksgiving day. My youngest son will show up early Friday morning so we will do the actual Turkey dinner on Friday because he has been out of town. That really is real fair to the one who is here because he has to work all day Friday but my oldest and I may go find a buffet somewhere on Thanksgiving together because we will be alone. My middle son and his family are in VA and they went to his wifes fathers house this year.

    Gosh knows about Xmas...lol. I know there are some plans but they can change.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Two thoughts here.

    1) To what extent is this self-sabotage? The way he worded his call to you makes it seem like he's (at some level) done this deliberately. Either it's to test how far he has to go before you will say, "Enough!" or it's a sort of "I am bad, I don't deserve anything and I will prove it to everybody including myself."

    2) Thanksgiving. Birthday. Christmas. Any other festival day. They are just days, a sort of 24 hours like any other. But sometimes for a difficult child, the level of expectation (behaviour form them as well as all the excitement, the visits, the challenges) are just too much and what they need, is just another 24 hour day. And yes, they will sabotage in order to get as close as possible back to a quiet place. They at some level prefer the sameness of each day, rather than having to put up with the challenges of lots of people, lots of food, lots of excitement. If asked they will say that of course they like the fun of family times, but underneath it all, the challenge can sometimes be too much.

  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Any chance it could be because he's trying to follow therapist's advice and stay away from family a while but knew it would upset you if he told you that?
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    mog -

    Hi ya kiddo. Well I'm not sure that I had triplets and gave one to you - or even how that is possible since Dude is 20, Cory (Dammit Janets son is 24) and wait - Mstangs son is 18 - so that makes me having self-sabotaging Quads...(thinks for a moment about the maternal math) - exhales....

    Any way -----Here's something I do know about because of Dude being in and out of so, so, so many Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and grouphomes, psychiatric hospitals..et al.

    THEY (our kids) no matter what age WILL self-sabotage. Is it personal? No. Do they do it consciously? NO. Does it just happen because they get anxious and worked up about a visit? (shrug) Do they do it on purpose to NOT see us? Not likely.
    Is this one of the basket B things that just happens? More than likely.

    Do we understand it as parents? OH h no. I mean here we are all excited to plan to have an 18th birthday with our kid who has the sole responsibiltiy of getting his proverbial mess together whilst every other 18 year old we are sick, sick, sick to death ad nauseaum of hearing about is working on their Senior projeck, getting a drivers license, has a job, picking out a college, going to school, getting an apartment - and what is OUR lucky little man doing? Jerking around at 'emotional growth boarding school' so badly that he can't even get a home visit. - Have you ran and sat in your bathroom with a pillow over your face yet and screamed? - G'head. Oh the shear frustration of just GET IT RIGHT FOR ONCE WILL YOU YA DUNDERHEAD - I MEAN HOW MANY BIRTHDAYS HAVE YOU MESSED UP AND NOW THIS????? (ahem) compose yourself mog - snicker. I sooooo get this. Makes you want to go out and kick a tree, rip all the leaves off it, drop to the ground and pull out clumps of grass and toss them while screaming at God - WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS....(ahem) compose yourself Star - someone get the smelling salts.

    So back to you - (snort) Seriously - at this point? You might have to try to find this level of detachment that allows you to start seeing your son as someone who is NOT going to 'get it' for at least another 5-8 years. Thinking long term can help aleviate these pressures of HE MUST GET IT BEFORE HIS TOUR IS UP AT THE Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Because - it won't be. Not even near. So stop thinking it will. Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is basically there to help him get stable and give you a break. If he does ANYTHING above and beyond that? Good on him - in the mean time if he messes up and blows passes? Here's my thoughts - because this is where I had to put myself or go crazy. or have another stroke - (give or take)

    Either I went to visit him because I wanted to or I didn't go. I STOPPED going because HE wanted me to. After he was 17 - well actually after he was 16 - and he left for that group home from hades - I just stopped going to visit. Christmas, BD, Thanksgiving one year was miserable - They had no food. But it didn't kill him. Made him appreciate LOTS of things. Made him THINK about the times I ;we did have it nice here at home.

    I stopped going BECAUSE he had good behavior/bad behavior. ONLY because at that point in my son's life I had to because I KNEW if I kept going to visit regardless of his behavior - it (in my mind) almost MADE him seem like he had a mental disorder that was NEVER going to be helped. It somehow to me made me think it would NEVER get better for HIM - if I kept going. So I drew a line and only went when I wanted to go. I just pretended like I had a son that lived out of town (which he did), and I didn't get to see him much (which was true), and made our visits non-gift giving. The only gift given was my presence not PRESENTS. My visits became more and more rare. once about every three months - and for me? it worked - killed me at first.....but we did talk on the phone once a week - IF HE CALLED ME. If not? Oh well. I gave him the choice to grow up. He never NOT knew I didn't love him. I did write once a week. Short card - signed love mom.

    the visits every 3 months were good ones - always. Never fought, never had words - we always went out to eat, then came back. If he needed personal items? He got those - nothing else. No Christmas presents, no birthday - nothing like that. Just what he needed. Christmas card. he said he grew up more that year than any other. He wasn't sure about a lot of things in his life - but he knew we loved him and he had made a mess out of a lot of things. He continued to make a mess out of things when he came home - but by then I had gotten so used to him not being around? It didn't hurt as bad to say "FIND YOUR OWN PLACE." and he did. The only reason we took him in at all was it was cold, the shelters were all closed and living in the park was not an option for me or DF. However if you ask us if we would pick our home or the park again? Suitcases would be sitting by the pond.

    I don't envy you this journey - it's difficult and not one for sissies. I send you MY personal rhino skin suit. - The baby blue one with the rhinestones.

    Hugs and Love
  8. mog

    mog Member

    I just wrote a two and a half page reply to the comments thqt were made and an update on how the weekend went and I pushed for it to replay as GO advanced and lost it all --anyone know where it went?