when they suddenly want to see us, it is almost always NOT to reconnect with family. It is usually to make a pitch for us to buy them things or do things for them that they should have been able to do themselves in high school. They don't want to grow up. They do not want to take responsibility.
This is very very true. And it happens over and over again. I am learning that when difficult child writes/calls/texts/shows up, to do nothing, continue to set my boundaries and say little to nothing.
When he first went to jail, he wrote two long letters within the first four or five days. All asking me to do things---pay fines, hire a lawyer, get him out, because THIS time is the worst...blah blah blah. I did none of it.
No letters since then. Isn't that interesting?
I don't send books in jail anymore, don't put money on his account anymore, don't go to court anymore, don't bail him out anymore, don't hire lawyers anymore, don't allow him to come here after he gets out anymore, don't get him an apartment anymore. On and on and on, the things I don't do anymore that I used to do. I have washed his coat lately. I have given him a sandwich lately. I have allowed him to take a shower here lately. I did buy him a six-pack of socks lately.
I still can get mixed up. That is why I have to keep working on ME---every single day. Every day.
On one of these threads someone gently took me to task recently about whether to help or not. They thought I should help a bit more. I understand and respect that point of view and I would never believe I know what someone else should or should not do.
We must be able to live with ourselves.
That gentle taking to task made me think about difficult child telling me, "Well, Mom, when you first get out of jail, SOMEONE has to help, otherwise, there's no way you can really change because it's so hard to have no job, no money, no place to stay, no car." That stuck with me because it is simply common sense that it would be very, very hard. Would it be impossible, if you really wanted a new life? I don't think it would be impossible, and I have learned that there is lots and lots and lots of help out there for people who are honest and serious.
And then I read an article in the paper this week about the major city nearby that is working hard to get homeless people into housing and provide lots of support so they can stay there successfully....
and those three things....were allit took to make me start thinking on the insanity spiral: "Well, if he gets out this time, and doesn't go to prison, maybe I'll just take him to the city nearby and take him to a shelter so he can get all of that support.....or maybe I'll pay for four weeks in a halfway house, because that would give him a start......." And before you know it---as far as I have come and as much as I work on this---I was spiraling into the crazy thinking that I CAN DO SOMETHING TO AFFECT ANOTHER ADULT"S DECISIONS.
STOP. STOP. STOP.
Haven't I already been there and DONE ALL OF THAT? For years and years and years? Yes I have.
And not one single time did anything I did affect the course my son has decided to take. In fact, for all of my great help, he has only gotten in worse and worse trouble.
I told the Al-Anon group yesterday about my thinking (above) and how I have to keep working so hard---going back to the first three steps over and over and over again----
Step One. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (drugs, whatever, life in general, my difficult child, my enabling, my pride, my selfishness, so many things, everything) and that our lives have become unmanageable.
Step Two. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Three. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Step Three is vital, but we have to work Step One and Step Two first...over and over and over. I love Step Three: MADE A DECISION.
Today I make decisions. I am going to have a good day today. I am going to work toward acceptance. I am not going to answer the phone when difficult child calls from jail because I don't need to talk to him right now. Today I make decisions to make my life better.
Then, the hard part, to turn our will and our lives over. To just turn it all over. I can't change my difficult child. All of my help and love and support in the world won't do it IF HE DOESN"T TRULY WANT IT.
I can only manage myself and that is a full time job. So I must, I must, turn it all over. Every day. Multiple times a day.
I am only human so I fail again and again. I can only do what I can live with. I am working to change ME so I can let go of other people, let them live their own lives without interference from me, and love and support and encourage them regardless.
A tall order, but it IS Possible to make ongoing progress on this work, and through it all, to discover a life that is joyful, peaceful, serene and wonderful most of the time. I am profoundly grateful for the path that others have shown me and I am going to work on it for the rest of my life.