I'm not normally into pity parties but today I just can't quit crying and I don't know where else to go. Some sleep would be real good but too worked up at this point to and I need to be at SSA in a couple hours with 2 years bank statements and can't find January. The girls did exactly what I asked them not to do last weekend, wait till 10 pm on school night to start laundry. So after I was up till past 4am doing laundry last nite I get a call this morning that Angel needs pants at the office (her pad leaked) good news is they made it to school bad news they jumped out of bed when the bus got there this morning. Neither one of them took their morning medications so I took pants & medications for both girls. So I drag myself out of bed get to the school Angel is sitting in the office and what does she say "thanks mom for staying up all night doing my laundry?" "thanks for bringing me clothes?" "thanks for sticking by me even when I act unlovable?" no I got a "TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!!!" (not my best parenting moment here) but "that little b!tch can bite me and find another place to live while she is at it!!!" Asked reception lady to call R out of class to take her medications; turns out she is still in the office hasn't been to class yet. So she comes out of the counselors obviously she has been crying, wearing same clothes she slept in last night, hair not combed etc. Gave her her medications and she declined wanting to go home wants to go to class. Just as well the way last weekend went I need a couple hours off from my kids, all of them even R (the good one). This goes past Angel having blow outs and smashing up my house. Goes past the nausea and the throbbing pain in my back. It even goes past my kids treating me like an employee they can't fire. The thing that has pushed me over the edge is the fact that I can't seem to make up my mind. Me the person who over thinks everything! the one who no matter what the situation is has already thought out several game plans and knows which I would choose. I have changed my mind in past 2 days probably 20 times about what to do with Angel? She turns 18yo in less then 2 months, CM brought me a bunch of guardianship paperwork to fill out (but I don't want to). Actually don't think I want to but fear will be kicking myself for not doing it in 3 months. She has another year of high school left but I don't think I got another year of being able to deal with her blowouts left. I could lose R to a suicide if I try to keep Angel here. I love Angel but feel I need to get her out of here so I can like her again. I know my parents urging me out of the nest at 17yo helped me to be independent but I won't kid you things got rough; there was a time I made tomato soup in a garbage picked cup from ketchup, creamer, salt & pepper because I hadn't eaten for 2 days and that condiment bar at the bus station was all that stood between me and starvation. Must admit it wasn't proper nutrician for someone 2 months pregnant. Hence why I can't quit crying- Angel has to take medications twice a day or she will go into psychosis, when she goes into psychosis someone has to take charge and get her crisis intervention or she is at great risk. When I close my eyes and ask myself what I want? I draw a blank because I don't think what I truly want is even possible at this point. Any way thank you for giving me a place to whine sorry if this got long it was a LONG weekend. PS I guess the bright side is the way she stained these clothes I doubt she is pregnant, guess I'll focus on that little rainbow for now.