Can't think straight

[Liahona]

difficult child 1 is at x's house this weekend, and that has prompted a conversation with difficult child 3 about x and difficult child 1. difficult child 1 has told difficult child 3 that he is going to run away to x's house. I don't know how serious difficult child 1 is about this. He could've been saying things to try to hurt difficult child 3, or to Manipulate difficult child 3 into doing his work. I don't think he could pull it off without help because he just doesn't function that well.

I told husband about this. His response was that if difficult child 1 does decide to go live with x that for the sanity of our family difficult child 1 won't be allowed to change his mind and come back. He also won't allow difficult child 1 to visit. I wouldn't have contact with difficult child 1 until he is 18 and out from under x's rule.

I'm a mess right now. Just thinking about it. I can't think straight.

 

[buddy]

Oh wow. Do you agree with husband that he couldn't even come visit? Is that because of x and his behaviors or because he is mad at difficult child 1? Or somethng else?

First, consider the source. As you said, his saying that to his brother could mean anything. Second, is it even safe to consider that, or has x improved?

Anyway, no need to decide now and if it's not acceptable to cut off all contact in your opinion, you can put that into words later. If it's about the other kids, maybe you can have other ways to be with him....

Deep breath, there is time to sort it out. I'm sorry this is weighing heavy on your heart.


If it turns out this is manipulation by difficult child 1, and he doesn't really want to go, that will be another issue all together. Maybe his therapist can explore it with him to find out?

Hugs, I can't imagine how sad it must feel.

 

[ksm]

Please don't think you have no say in this matter. Why does husband call all ths shots. I really don't know anything about your situation - and I hope it is just an older child doing a lot of talking... If he lives with x... will you have to pay him child support? Or will that decrease your child support that you receive? Twelve years old is too young to have no contact with siblings and mom. Hoping for the best and that this is all just talk... by husband, and difficult child 1. Just don't rush in to decisions. KSM

 

[DDD]

First I'm sending you a HUGE hug. Secondly I have to say that I literally just signed on to see if you had updated about difficult child#1's recent behavioral change. This turn of events seems likely to be related. I'm not sure who the abuser is, whether it is within the family or not but someone has messed with your adolescent son's head...or worse.

Unlike you, Liahona, I have not given birth to seven children but I have raised a combined family of six and more recently the two grandsons (one with anxiety and Aspergers plus PTSD from early years of abuse by his Mom's SO).
Please do not allow your husband to make such a life altering decision about your biological son in need. I am not one to be melodramatic but I'm positive that you have to bear the responsibility for his future...he is not old enough to face his issues with-o his Mom.

I promise that I will be praying for you and your son each night before I go to sleep. You are a bright, loving and kind woman. I'm sure of that. I've often felt that your family life is based on religious beliefs that may differ from the creeds many of us follow. If, as I suspect, the man of the house is expected to be the decision maker you are in an uncomfortable position. Your oldest son's whole future may depend on the choices you make this week. Prayers are on there way. Hugs DDD

 

[Wiped Out]

Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way.

 

[Liahona]

Thank you. Yes, this might lead to a divorce. Decisions are supossed to be joint but because of husband's autism often we can't communicate well enough to agree. What we have done is divide the roles. It seems unfair to someone on the outside looking in because I have most of the roles but he is giving everything he has got to this family.

husband is saying this because of x's behaviors. husband is trying to protect the other kids and me from x. If difficult child 1 really does this x will be empowered to intrude into our lives even more. husband thinks that if difficult child 1 isn't connected to me through any kind of contact that x won't want difficult child 1. husband is probably right. If difficult child 1 goes and coming back to me is an option difficult child 1 will hold it over x's head to get whatever he wants from x. Thus, making x's house a very lucrative place for difficult child 1. husband is completely logical about this, but is completely blind to the emotional side of it. He doesn't understand why I'm "all emotional" and he doesn't understand why his logical arguments aren't calming me down (they make it worse).

No contact will not be an option even if it destroys my marriage and even if its the most logical choice. I will decide when the contact will be and it won't be to anyones liking probably. But, I'm not going to start that fight with husband unless I absolutely have to.

I will bring up what difficult child 3 said at therapist on monday to see how committed to this course of action difficult child 1 is.

Another thing, I'm not going to let difficult child 1 make this decision without all the facts about x presented to him (in tdocs office). And, legally anyone who trys to keep difficult child 1 from me is going to have one huge fight on their hands. Which is exactly what x wants. I can't win here, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself doing what husband wants.

I just need to calm down and take this one day at a time.

Thank you. It has really helped putting this all down. husband said that and my mind panicked. I couldn't think of any response to him right then. Now I have a response bordering on a plan of action.

Also, thank you for your prayers.

 

[buddy]

Good, I'm glad you sound more organized in your plan. I suspected it was due to how abusive X is and the danger components, and his thinking does make sense. But as you said, there's more to it.

I also really imagine difficult child 1 said it impulsively or for a reaction. As you said, take it one step at a time, it may never come to any of the worst choices.

Hugs....

 

[DDD]

Phew/Whew! I am so relieved that you have so quickly been able to fall back and regroup. Often I picture your difficult child#1 as being quite similar to my difficult child#2. The combination of great vulnerability with the desire to control things to his advantage is complex for sure. on the other hand I know my #2 was ripe for victimization and yet wasn't sophisticated enough to be openly communicative with me for quite some time. You guys will remain in my prayers. I'm rooting for you. DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

Hugs, Liahona. I'm glad that you were able to settle your thoughts a bit.
What a mess. You've done a good job thinking it through on short notice. And you know what? It may be for naught, if the kids were playing you against one another. You know them best. Good luck at the appointment. I hope it comes out then and you can sort through it more.

 

[JJJ]

Oh sweetie, there is not a state this country that allows a 12 year old to decide where he lives. You simply tell difficult child that he lives wherethe judge tells him to live and that is with you. Do not let him think he has that kind of control. It is not healthy for him.

If x really wants difficult child to come and live with him, he would have to prove a change in circumstances in difficult child's life (or that you have become unfit). I doubt he could do either.

 

[Liahona]

Thank you JJJ.

 

[Bunny]

Was difficult child 3 able to tell you why difficult child wants to live with x? I think that JJJ is right. No one is going to let a 12 year old make that decision.

 

[buddy]

Especially a difficult child 12 year old.