care and family team meeting

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by gwenny, Mar 17, 2009.

  1. gwenny

    gwenny New Member

    Wow i cant beleive the 2 hour meeting we just had with the group home and our mental health team. Well the meeting was about basically what the group home is going to do with difficult child, which was fine. But they will start intergrating him back into the home after 45 days. First it will be with day visits and than overnight visits and see how they are going.

    2nd thing is that we went over was difficult child's behavior and what was acceptable at home after the group home. Well we will not tolerate disrespect, breaking things, or physcial aggression towards anyone in the home or outside the home. Well they didnt feel that this was realistic goals. So lets say difficult child is out of control 7 days a week and after the group home its down to 1-2 days that is improvement.

    So after husband and I got the impression that they are pointing the finger at us I stopped everyone and said you all have to remember that we just got custody of difficult child 5 months ago, due to his behaviors with his bio-mom and brother. Than I stated that when I met with the psychiatric dr yesterday he gave me a diagnosis that in all reality scares me to death, and if anyone here has any knowledge of what this diagnosis is they should be able to see difficult child and what he has and is doing to his family or anyone he comes in contact with. The psychiatric dr also stated that there is nothing psychiatric dr's can to with antisocial personality disorder other than get the law involved.

    So I said to everyone if the dr says this than how can anyone here expect us to be able to deal with difficult child if they cant do anything for him??????

    I was than informed that if this diagnosis stays at childhood onset antisocial personality disorder than there is no other treatment options left for difficult child. So there will be no Residential Treatment Center (RTC). So where do I go from here, I don't know but I can say that the mental health people of this great country have no answers but expect the parents to know what to do.. This really is a stinky system.

    So now we are in a situation where they want us to go for intensive family therapy and all other kinds of things which to be honest is not how I want my life to be. I refuse to allow myself to miss out on easy child's life because I am exhausted from taking care of difficult child.

    I guess I will know more when husband comes home and we talk about what the game plan will be, because at this point I don't see a solution in the near future.

    Everyone at the meeting said what a good wife I am for having all the paperwork with me and being so organized and sticking by husband through all of this when most woman today wouldnt. I really just feel like I'm failing my husband and easy child, but realize I have the choice to stay and deal with it or make the decision to leave.

    Thanks for listening to me rant 1 more time. I will contiue to pray for all of us and hope there is a silver lining.-
  2. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member


    When we were trying to decide what to do about Kanga before we got the grant for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), we thought about a split household. Could you get an apartment for husband and difficult child to live at and you and easy child stay at the house? Hopefully you can arrange respite for difficult child and husband can come "home" one weekend a month and maybe dinner once a week. It is not the best way to live, but it may be the safest until difficult child is an adult.

    The other option, depending on your legal custody agreement, is to drive him to his mom's drop him off with her and leave.

    Your situation is so much like ours was last year that I'm having flashbacks to the panic and sorrow. I wish I could fix it for you, but I can't even fix it here.
  3. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer, but all I can do is let you know I am here, and thinking of you. Hugs.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    While it is nice for husband that you keep his paperwork for difficult child straight, it does NOT mean you have to allow difficult child home to be a good wife. You CAN insist on a split household, or that husband insist the boy go to his mothers or another placement. I really do NOT think 45 days will be enough to make difficult child be safe to have at home.

    I would be HIGHLY skeptical, and want to do a bunch of research, like reading the book suggested, etc... before you make ANY commitment of ANY kind.

    I know husband loves his child. He simply must recognize the boy is flawed and damaged, likely in a permanent way. If difficult child does not get REALLY and TRULY invested in changing, rather than just learning to say what they want to hear, then even husband will be in danger from difficult child.

    I must say it would be very difficult for me to allow difficult child to be in the same household as my child. No matter what occurred in placement. My child would have to be my highest concern and first priority. No matter what was best for difficult child or even husband.
  5. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    I think it is time for you to consult with an attorney about many things.

    If you remain married to husband, do you need to have separate bank accounts, names on property in your name only (car, house) in order to protect your assets (you have easy child to consider)?

    If difficult child were to return to your home and easy child is there, is that considered child neglect/abuse on your part to have easy child's safety compromised when you know about the diagnosis for difficult child?

    If difficult child becomes involved in (more) criminal activity, what is the liability for HIS parents?

    When can difficult child become emancipated?

    I know you care for husband and difficult child, but it may be time to consider leaving this situation for easy child's sake. If difficult child were to harm easy child, what then? Ask about a legal separation. It may need to last until difficult child is an adult. When you entered this marriage, you did not have this knowledge. If you had, you may have made a completely different choice about marrying husband.

    I know this is trying on so many levels for you. You've shown strength, compassion, and grace under pressure. easy child should be proud of his mom. I am.
  6. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three


    Isn't that the truth! I have gone to so many "professionals" only to be left to figure it out for my self.

    My husband and I have a split house hold. difficult child's behavior was having an effect on his younger brother. Keeping them apart helps the whole family remain calmer. We do get together for weekends, meals and occasional over nights during the week. Each day we don't know which parent will sleep in which place? We keep if flexible so we can react to homework needs, moods (good and bad), brotherly friendship (yes sometimes they miss each other), and sudden changes in plans. I never thought I would live this way, but we have managed to remain close and husband and I are still close man and wife. Sometimes I do miss husband, but this is so much better then last year. (No helicopters flying overhead looking for a suicidal teenager who ran away).
  7. Stella

    Stella New Member

    Yes, i think sometimes having unconventional children means living an unconventional life. It's not always going to be possible to live the way most "normal" families do. It's about finding a way that works for you, your difficult child and the whole family even if it does seem strange to others!

    HUGS to you Donna.