Court outcome

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Blondiesbf, Sep 27, 2011.

  1. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    So, some of the good vibes worked. I'm happy and disappointed at the same time, if that makes sense. R got the following:
    Two years court supervision
    Six months license suspension with-option to get the breathilyzer thing @ $30/mo, probably less based on his income
    Level III counseling (not sure what that is yet)
    $2000 fine
    and a victim thing he has to attend.

    That's it. While I'm glad, at some levels, that he didn't go to jail, at other levels I was hoping for a bit of a stiffer punishment. I feel like he got off just a tad too easy and once again, he will go along his merry way.

    But, mind you, I'm still reeling from the latest revelation I found out about today...R is now popping pills, specifically Xanax. I don't yet know how much or how often. I also noticed he was wearing his ratty sneaks to court. I asked him where the ones were that I bought him three months ago...he said "at home". Found out the truth is, he sold them. How easily he lied to me.

    The bottom line is, my son is hurting and without his desire to help himself, I can't help him...and that hurts. I know he has to hit bottom first, but I hate that I can't help him explore and overcome his get him to see a professional! The waiting can be so incredibly frustrating. And now that he is adding to his repitoire, I'm feeling more urgency then ever before!

    So, that's where we stand. Thank-you all for the support and good did some good!

  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    2 steps forward and one step back...

    How is R handling it? If he's uneasy or sheepish or even a bit scared by the outcome - any chance you can use it as impetus for him to go to rehab?
  3. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    Surprisingly, he has taken it pretty well. Complained of the inconvenience placed upon him.

    Right now, my BFF is being a sort of intermediary as R is quite angry with me, though not coming out and saying so. I reach out to him but I pretty much get pushed away. Example: I've asked him to come over and watch football with me (baby steps). He wants to bring his friend Ben. I say no. So he says no. I say do you want to know why I don't like Ben? He says no. (The reason is, although R is ultimately accountable for the DUI, Ben was not 'friend' enough to tell R he shouldn't drive, therefore, I hold him accountable) What BFF is doing is pushing us in the right direction but I feel like a stranger with R. However, at least he is finding what he needs with her as far as a responsible adult he will listen to, other than hubby. Me, he just doesn't want to hear and I no longer want to 'go there'.

    Roller coaster indeed. And I want to vomit!!!
  4. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Baby steps. My difficult child has not contacted me at all unless I contact him first (usually a text) he's even ignored a few texts ( I text him goodnight 2 -3 x a week) and never answered any emails. I was bawling yesterday because I haven't heard the sound of his voice in 3 weeks and it is just so unfathomable to me. Before this break - we had never gone more than 2-3 days without talking. I haven't tried calling him because I am not sure if he would answer or what I would say and I am really afraid I could end up feeling worse (which is also unfathomable.)

    Anyway - what I am trying to say is that he has not broken the bonds of communication and that really counts for something. The fact that he has spoken to you and that he is willing to use your bff as an intermediary is a sign that he is not willing to give up on your relationship.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    He's no where near ready for rehab yet, it doesn't sound like. But the more you practice detaching, the more it will help you and the less it will help him to continue the behaviors.

    I would not have offered why I didn't like his friend Ben. (they don't listen to our opinions much anyway) And I wouldn't waste my time holding Ben accountable for something difficult child did. While we know a real friend would do what they could to not let him drive drunk, these kids are still of an age where they firmly believe they are invincible, as in nothing bad can ever happen to them, it's always the other guy. Not to mention I've met my fair share of drunks who were impossible to keep from behind the wheel, no matter how hard you try. In the end, only difficult child is responsible for difficult child's behavior.

    I'm glad you let him face the consequences of his actions. The sentencing doesn't sound like much of anything to me, but then.....I don't have much experience in that part of things.

  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Is mandatory drug testing part of the package? I know it doesn't solve the substance abuse problem but in some cases it does deter usage a bit. Hoping that level of counseling is intensive enough to help. Will be waiting to hear more. DDD
  7. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Oh my, I am having the same type of problems with my daughter who is 20. Lately (within the last 3 months) she has shoplifted from WalMart (wasn't arrested--just has to pay a fine), Stolen mail from someone's mailbox (still hasn't been arrested for this--but all the paperwork is still on the detectives desk), broke into 2 houses (both "victims" decided NOT to file charges and the prosecutor won't take the case). She has been pulled over 4 times. All four times she has not had insurance, her inspection sticker is expired and her side mirrors and rear view mirror are off of her car. She has not recieved a ticket.

    She has also been abusing alcohol (a lot based on her FB status'). I KNOW she has taken Ambien to get high (came to my house TRASHED on it). She takes "bars", which from what I have gathered is Xanax. And I know she has taken, at least once, and I'm not stupid enough to think that is the only time, Oxycotin. She hangs out with crimminals, lives with an ex boyfriend who is a drug dealer. She is unemployed and spends her days sleeping or hanging out with losers.

    And all this has taken place in the last 3 months. She is spiraling out of control and I can do NOTHING. She has to decide to change. I can't ground her. I can't whip her. I can only stand by and wait for her luck to run out. And I love her desperatley. What has happened to my daughter? I am eagerly awaiting for her to "hit bottom"--and I feel awful that I feel this way!

    Oh yeah, I had some Adderall and Ritalin hidden in my bedroom (from her) and she apparently found it, because it is gone. She only stayed here 2 nights and I thought I kept a pretty good eye on her. The medicines were her 9 year old brothers--medication I had filled and then we found out he couldn't take.

    I feel bad that I WANT her arrested. I want her to hit bottom sooooo bad. And yet, I feel GUILTY for feeling this way.

    I can only offer you hugs and tell you that you are not alone. I will be thinking of you and R.
  8. Blondiesbf

    Blondiesbf New Member

    Chao, your feelings sound so much like mine! And it really does stink.

    I have a list of the providers of the treatment levels. I would love to whisper in the counselors ear but hubby is saying he heard it is a group thing and the people who attend consider it a joke! Heck, at court yesterday, there was a 19-yr-old who told me she was there for her second DUI and it was no big in, she was sure her consequences would be no worse than the first time! Idiot and sigh!!!

    I do hold R accountable for his actions. by the way, 'friend' Ben heads back to court tomorrow for underaged drinking (again) and in Nov for driving on a suspended license. Guess R has become what he hangs around with! I hope Ben screws R in some way so he will see him for the loser he is...and mark my's coming!

    In the meantime, I will have to sit and wait for bottom with all my newfound friends here...finding comfort when it seems like the going is too much to bear.

    Hugs to all,

    According to IL, the following are the levels of treatment:
    10 Hours Risk Education
    10 Hours Risk Education
    12 Hours Outpatient Intervention
    10 Hours Risk Education
    20 Hours Outpatient Intervention
    III. HIGH:
    75 Hours Outpatient Treatment

  9. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Oh Blondie.

    We really do have more in common. My daughter thinks she is "lucky" and that is why she doesn't get in trouble. She has actually said to us "I'm just so cute that they feel sorry for me and just let me go!" (with a huge smile on her face).

    She also has "friends" who are anything BUT friends. Her most recent "best friend forever" in in jail. For driving under the influence (while driving daughters car) and for stealing money out of tip jars at a local bar. My daughter went and saw her several times in jail. She was AGAST that "M"s parents weren't getting her out of jail or visiting her.

    Daughter has stopped visiting "M" in jail--but only because she feels so guilty that she can't get her out. She's been driving all over and calling all sorts of people to try to get bail money and a "co-signer". Daughter even was going to put her car up as collateral. OMG. Plus "M" was moved to a facility farther away in a larger city. Our local podunk county jails are full.

    I feel your pain, I do.
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    My son is looking at 18 months for DWI and unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. It is his first DWI. Although it is not his first incarceration. While I do want him to reach rock bottom, the idea of him in a State prison rather than the county lock up is beyond scary to me. So, I do understand your mixed emotions on the sentance Your difficult child got. It sounds like your difficult child still wants to run his own life even if it means running it right into the ground. Hopefully at some point he will begin to realize that his mother his best intrest at heart and he should heed her advise. Till then stay detached, -RM
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I'm just thinking like D3 - with the mandatory drug testing. Also if this was possible - Could you ask for an audience with the judge and possibly meet secretly and get DRUG TESTING to be written INTO the package with some consequences? Like REHAB? Not that it would be GOOD - he has to want it - BUT it would be a start and toe dip for the idea that he COULD go when he's ready - kinda to show him what's available or maybe plant a seed in his head.

    Just an after thought.

    Hang in there.