Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Teriobe, Jun 18, 2017.

  1. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Dont know how couseling will help if i still have an unaffectionate husband and a drug addict criminal son. If they still are that way how is couseling gonna help me? They will always make me angry and sad
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    The counseling is to help you cope with YOUR feelings and reactions when things happen. Sometimes when we change how we respond to others, they begin to change how they interact with us. There is no guarantee that it will happen, but it could. Therapy might help you begin to find ways that make you feel better about yourself.
    You will get out of it what you put into it. If you go into it with a positive outlook, you might be pleasantly surprised.
    Remember not every therapist is a good fit for everyone. It may take going to more than one to find the right "fit".
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's like forgiveness. I believe we forgive for ourselves so we can let it go. It only harms us to be unforgiving. I see therapy like that. No one around me may change (and often they didn't) but I have the power to change myself, my responses, how I perceive the situation. Remember, not every thought you have is the truth, much is conditioning. If you have a good therapist, he/she will let you know when you have 'faulty' thinking and you can then open up to a new way of thinking, a new way of perceiving the exact same situation, only from a different set of eyes. You'd be surprised how much that can shift your life.

    Often what we believe to be the truth is simply stuff we've heard over and over again, not necessarily the truth or even good for us. Therapy has helped me to sort through those old beliefs and make different choices. Like Pasa said, you''ll get out of it what you put into it.

    Your husband and son may continue being who they are now......but you can change, you can make different choices and open up to new options.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It will help you find joy in your life again, not related to your son or husband. You can be happy regardless of anyone else. And you can find new people to enjoy good times with. Your son is locked up so he is no company. Your husband is unaffectionate. He is what he is.

    But we dont need others to make us happy. You have to make yourself happy. Just like nobody can make your son or husband change, nobody can make you happy or sad EXCEPT FOR YOU. You tell yourself the things that make you happy or sad. You can change how you see your world and life.

    You can learn to say "Joe is not affectionate to me and I wish he were. But, wow, my garden is beautiful. Think I will work on it now and enjoy the lovely day. Maybe later I can run have coffee with my funny friend across town."

    That is what a good therapist can help you learn to do. To learn to find joy in life that is not connected to negative people. You are not able to do that right now, but you can learn. I hope you do. Many of us have!
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    Last edited: Jun 18, 2017
  5. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I wanted to enjoy life with my husband and son. Seems if i get new hobbies or friends that wont fix the problem. Just keeps you preoccupied from the original problems.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have wonderful grown kids but they are out on their own. We dont share most if our lives with our well adjusted adult children.

    We hope we can enjoy our spouse. But many cant or dont have one. That doesnt mean we cant be happy. We can CHOOSE to pity ourselves forever if we wish. That is a decision we can make. Or we can decide (and, yes, this too is a choice) to move on with happiness, although our idea of happiness will have to change. And it can change.

    Thirteen years is a long time to be unhappy. You dont have to be.

    I hope you work hard to do what you have to do to realize that you can change your idea of happiness and still experience joy. It is worth it.
  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    When there is a problem you cannot solve or a situation or person you cannot change, the only strategy is to learn how to handle it as well as possible. You can't change your son, but a therapist can teach you coping skills and strategies for dealing with overwhelming emotions. When the horrible feelings come over you like a wave, there are ways you can eventually learn to handle it. You cannot minimize those feelings or make them go away, but eventually, those emotions won't control your life anymore. It doesn't happen after one or two sessions. It takes a lot of practice. In the beginning, it seems impossible to learn those skills, but in time you will. Be patient with yourself. Also, don't ignore the physical health. Have your thyroid and hormone levels checked because those two things can strongly contribute to your emotional state. That can make everything worse than it already is. Vitamin B deficiency can be a problem, too. Are you on an antidepressant? It takes time for that type of medicine to start working, and some people don't even respond at all.

    I really wish your husband was more supportive. Maybe in time he will agree to go to counseling with you. Ask your therapist how you can convince him.
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Have you tried going to counseling with your husband?
  9. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    He wont go
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Then you need to go yourself. You will talk about the state of your marriage as well as your son and learning how to be happy in your own right. Seen enough good therapists to know that the therapist will encourage you to learn to cope with your son and husband, but that you will not be able to change them. You will talk about YOUR needs for once (you need a listening ear) and how to be happy without depending on anyone else. I thought it was impossible when I first heard it but happiness truly only comes from within. It is how not dependent on having that Brady Bunch family that all of us wish for but none of us have. It is what we make of our challenges. We all have them!
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  11. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    In a nutshell ... this is life :)
    Mahalo, SWOT.
  12. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I think we can make the be happy or not happy. I spent years trying to make others happy at the expense of my own happiness. Therapy helped me realize I was in a bad marriage and in a bad dance with difficult son. But those were my poor choices. Then I went on an amazing spiritual retreat with complete strangers. I could no longer lie to myself. My hurting spirit was hungry hungry hungry for self love and gentleness. I finally turned the corner. Left the marriage that was no longer healthy for either of us and changed the dance with difficult son. Surprisingly once I took those steps I did not fall off the cliff. I thrived. With the support of others, and the real want for change you can do it too!!! Hugs and courage for you!
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  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wiserone, kudos!

    It is amazing how many people think that happiness comes from their loved ones. "If only they acted like I want, Id be happy." But others dont do what we want. And yet I know first hand how we can learn how to be happy anyway.

    That is where counseling helps.

    But just like drug addicted people, we have to want to be happy. Nobody can help us if we go into counseling with a negative "it wont work" or "therapists all suck" attitude.

    A can do attitude is great in every aspect of life, be it drug addiction or happiness even when our loved ones disappoint is. We choose whether or not we feel better, just like our addicted loved ones choose to quit or use. Some people get addicted to feeling sad and becomes long term. And only the desire to get help and feel better can help. And it isnt always easy. The belief that if our kids are not doing well, we cant be happy is deeply ingrained in some.

    Happiness comes from one person we can learn to do this if we are willing to try.
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  14. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    Where couselor just wanted to address my weight issue. Thats not what i went for. If she continues next session i will have to tell her. I went for anger and bitterness. And to detach. Depression, yes i did mention that my weight made me depressed, but not as much as my sons drug use or hubbys unaffectionate ways. maybe she has a plan, and she started with that. I will see what happens
  15. Blighty

    Blighty Member

    I hope your counsellor will take your direction; which should be the usual path of counselling to let the client be autonomous; underneath you know what you need. If you feel she is barking up the wrong tree, tell her. Perhaps she is afraid to grab the bull by the horns too early on in your relationship.

    It was only once i had reduced my own personal stress, that I was ready to address my eating issues and get healthy