Daughter blames me for everything

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GrandmaV, Feb 21, 2018.

  1. GrandmaV

    GrandmaV New Member

    When my daughter had her son she didn't cope at all and asked me too help. Which I did of cause (my daughter has never wanted for anything) I flew to perth and she could not handle his temper and over hypo activity. So it was decided that I would take him and settle him. My husband and I had him for over 3 years and he was a perfect child and very well behaved. My daughters marriage broke down and she met a new man that no one likes. He is in a lot of debt and doesn't like to work too hard. So she now feels quilt about leaving the grandson with us and took him with her. Now his behaviour is out of control and she cant control him and she blames me totally saying I spoilt him and turned him into a brat. But he is very well behaved for us. Now she will not let us see him at all and if we are allowed it is supervised visits only. This has crush me and my husband and we do not understand why she is doing this. I am so worried about my grandson and whether we will see him again. Any thoughts.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't know where you live. Most here are from the U.S .where grandparents don't have rights except in extreme circumstances. I believe one circumstance is if the child lived with you for six months. Then I believe you can fight and win visitation in court. If you dont live in the U.S., check out the laws where you live. I would get a lawyer. You raised him for his first three years. I bet you have rights due to that.

    This is always hard, especially when grandparents have been there from the start and our grown kids are immature and ungrateful and even mean. I would stop giving her anything. I assume she is grown up. Sometimes when we give too much, although it is out of love, we stunt their growth. And we make them think that they are so important to us that they can wipe their feet on us and we will still jump. Nobody, not even your adult kids, should have the power to ruin your life. Nor would a nice young adult want to do so.

    I often recommend private therapy for us to teach us coping skills and detachment and how to be kind to ourselves. Many of us do not know how. Many of us however are learning or learned to put our needs first. I recommend reading Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie. Great eye opener!

    Love and light!
     
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2018
  3. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Member

    Heartbreaking :cry:
    Sorry you're going through this.

    Maybe instead of repeating to your daughter that he was well behaved with you, tell her that he's probably just having a hard time with the transition and that you would like to help him however you can. If she feels that you are judging her, she'll just get defensive. Remind her that you want the best for him and that shutting you out of his life is denying him a relationship that is beneficial for him, and ask her if she really wants to be the only person he can count on. Maybe it helps to tell her that you know she's been through a lot, and that all parents need help from time to time, and that you will follow all her rules if she lets your grandson visit you. I often have issues with my son's relationship to my mom. She spoiled him, defended him when he didn't deserve it, didn't follow our rules... but I always choose for her to be in his life because he doesn't have many other people besides my husband and me, and the more people that love him, the better. Remind her that it takes a village, and that you are there for both of them. I hope you can convince her to let you see him more, without having to resort to a legal battle.
     
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  4. GrandmaV

    GrandmaV New Member

    Thank you for your input you have made a lot of good points I have tried to make her understand she is not alone and it takes a village and she agrees and brings him over for a supervised visit and if he falls over he runs to me not her and this makes her so angry. I have tried to explain that all kids test thier parents but we are he to help. I just see us as the enermy. I will try some of your other tips. Thanks again and all the best love grandmav