Daughters boyfriend is awful

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ski10, Apr 30, 2011.

  1. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    Hello all, this is my first post, my daughter has just turned 18, she has been dating her boyfriend for 6 months and to say he is awful is an understatement.

    I am so worried for my daughter, having said that though I know she is responsible for some things that are going on, as they say, I wasn't born yesterday!

    Trying not to make this a novel but there are so many things, this guy does come from an abusive background, both parents on meth and they threw him out last year, but.....he is on probation for drugs and fighting a teacher in high school, he steals, he lies, have caught him in numerous lies myself, my daughter is under the impression he just can't get a break...he roams around from friend to friend, he stayed with us for 2 months because he was on the streets, big mistake, he stole from us, would not find a job..on and on...my daughter actually stuck up for him, said he didn't steal...um, yes he did..
    My daughter works part-time and pays for everything he needs, he cannot even come up with $1 for gas, I know it's her money but this is killing me, she had plans to go to college but decided not to because of him, I tried to talk to her about that but she got defensive so I backed off at the time, everytime I mention it she gets angry and says I'm interfering, well.......while she is here with me I'm not going to stand back because I'm afraid of hurting her feelings, I told her i only want the best for her and that's why I'm saying it.

    She was using my car to go to work but the other night I found the drivers seat pushed way back...this guy is 6ft 2, my daughter is not...he has no drivers license because of DUI's...my daughter lied...I know she lied to me...and said "Oh, he was just sitting in the drivers seat waiting for someone.." what! next story was she let him drive around a parking lot, so why was the seat pushedback in my driveway??? this is ridiculous...I hate that she is lying to me about all kinds of things, told her she cannot use my car anymore and she ran out the door to go see him...aghhh!!!! not seen her since last night.
    My daughter just does not care about anything except this person, I've told her how I feel and then backed off about him, I feel as though I am losing her but I cannot put up with all the lies, whenever I see this guy he says nothing, just grins at me which almost sends me wild! I have banned him from our house, I just cannot pretend i like him, can't do it.

    I am at a complete loss as to what to do, not say anything anymore? Of course if it's about my car etc I have to, she wants to move out with him but he has no money, I just feel this is going to get out of hand..already is really...but what I mean is I feel this guy is going to do something, he is so violent, he is so possessive of her, calls her ALL the time, all night... am afraid for her but she is not seeing it.
    Her dad is livid and has tried talking to her as well, we feel..ok, let her learn but the thing is he is violent, I can't just stand back and wait for something to happen, I honestly feel if my daughter does see the light he will not let her go, he'll do something to her, (and us) he told her he will commit suicide if she leaves him, he said he loved her after two dates and that he has tried to commit suicide three times....has been in numerous mental hospitals...my husband is going to talk to the police but not sure if anything can be done, this is not just a case of we don't like our daughters boyfriend, I goes much deeper, our daughter is so kind and I think she believes she is going to save him, her life is on hold right now, I'm going crazy with it all, sorry this is so long.

    PS Once he's off probation, god only knows what he's going to get up to, we were going to get in touch with his probation officer to tell him of the stealing, my husbands view is, let them get him off the streets and right in to the "slammer"
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ski...Im sorry to have to meet you under such difficult circumstances but welcome to this site and to this forum.

    I am wondering, does your daughter have any mental or emotional health disorders that might cause her to be attracted to a young man such as this one? Or perhaps she is the good girl who is head over heels for the bad boy. How many movies have been based on that scenario!

    Either way, I do know with teens the worst thing you can do is to attempt to forbid the relationship because that will drive them deeper together for sure. Just think romeo and juliet.

    I agree wholeheartedly with you on the car. I dont let anyone drive my car except my spouse and Im not happy with that. LOL. No kids at all. Just how I am. I would never allow your daughter to drive it again after you have caught her in the lie because you could lose everything if he is caught DUI. Not pretty. I wouldnt risk it even if you adored the guy. Now on the other hand, I dont think you can stop her from seeing him if she wants to see him. I would stop being judgmental about him and start acting like you are okay about it so you know where she is all the time. If she doesnt have a cell phone, maybe get her on a prepaid plan with unlimited minutes so you can keep up with her. This is for you. You want her to tell you whats going on.

    Who cares about him...keep her attached to you even if it means acting like you can stand him. Sure keep your valuables locked up when he is around but keep her trust because you want her to keep confiding in you so she doesnt attach to him in rebellion.

    Good luck.
  3. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    Hi Janet and thank you so much for the warm welcome.

    I've been trying to figure out just what my daughter is doing with this guy and don't have an answer really, she has always been extremely kind, I remember when she was 10 and one of her friend's did not receive any "pennies" from the tooth fairy, my daughter gave her, her last $1, when I think of those things honesty I want to cry.

    She feels so sorry for this guy, and I've tried to tell her in the past, she can't save him, she can still see him (to say that actually hurt!) but go on with your life, but no, her whole life is him, he cries when he gets in to a jam, for eg: when his other friends throw him out and then he tells her all kinds of horror stories that would make your hair curl, round and around we go...I went on and on about how he shouldn't even be upsetting her like that...got to learn to keep my mouth shut!

    She has a cell phone and she does keep in touch sometimes..not heard from her since she ran out yesterday in a huff and she's not answering to me, so her dad has her in a ditch somewhere, she told me she is never ever going to tell me anything about him anymore, really thought I'd lost her then, but just the other day she came up to me and told me what what they had done the day before, sooooo difficult...

    Thank you again.
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, ski10. After having lost my license twice due to the actions of my difficult child second husband (no license, no insurance, AND he hid the DMV paperwork so I didn't even know about it), I am very careful about who drives my car. If I knew my daughter had let someone else drive? She'd be walking.

    Sounds to me like the guy's abusive, if he calls all the time and threatens to kill himself if she tries to leave him. Is there a DV shelter nearby that you could talk to, maybe get some info for her?
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi and welcome.........

    teenagers.......ugh is all i can say lol. my daughter also same scenario was dating a kid, a real punk, dealt drugs, abusive home, lied, stole, got arrested, etc. she too felt like he just couldn't catch a break, etc.

    i said zero, except when it directly affected me our home. one time even caught them (after the fact) having sex in our house....... i did have one talk, tried to explain to her how abusive he was, etc. he was possessive also. yet she didnt' listen to me. my husband tried still nothing.

    till finally one day he cheated on her, it was than that she realized how bad he was, the truth about him etc. my advice as janet stated stay close to her, dont' make her the enemy due to him. i'd keep my eye open for any real abuse though....... controlling etc.

    maybe it wouldn't hurt to educate her about abusive men somehow though without offending her. just not really sure how.

    hang in there. hopefully he'll cheat on her and than she'll wake up.

    ((hugs)) welcome again
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Welcome to the board.

    Many, many heartfelt (((hugs)))

    Sadly, now that she is 18 there is not much you can do. I know that is really hard to hear.........(trust me, I do know how hard it is to hear)........but it's just the way it is. You can ban him from your home. You can set boundaries concerning him while your daughter continues to live in your home. But bottom line is that this is her choice, the decision has to be hers.

    With him causing such an emotional response from you, I'd say banning him from your home probably was wise. Because the more reaction from you? The more your daughter is going to feel the need to rescue this poor misunderstood man she believes she loves. And that is the last thing you want. When they're defending them, it's next to impossible for them to see them for what they are.

    So while I know it makes you soul sick inside.......Step back, back off and give her some time to come to her senses. Guys like this (I've got 1 for a son in law) have manipulation down to an art form. Everything you do, he's using to get her closer to him. You'll have to do your utter best not to give him fuel for that fire. He's got daughter in his back pocket and you and Dad pitted against daughter. Just the way he wants it. He can play the misunderstood pity card to the hilt. She's young enough, and naive enough, that if you play into his hands she's going to buy it.

    I recommend contacting the local domestic violence shelter and talking with one of their staff members. Go and pick up pamphlets ect on domestic violence, educate yourself on what you're dealing with so you can handle such situations better. Doesn't hurt to leave such materials lying around. If she asks.......you can always say you picked them up for a friend, or are thinking about volunteering or something. Whatever makes you comfortable. (hopefully she'll pick up one or two and read them)

    Thing is? While you don't want to encourage this relationship...........you also don't want to alienate your daughter. Which is exactly what he's trying to do. This is why educating yourself is important.

    I am so sorry you're having to go through this. But you've landed in a fantastic place where you'll find the support you need.

  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    My first reaction when i saw the title of your post was OMG my sons girlfriend's mother has found this site....lol... I have to say I was relieved when I read further that you are clearly not my sons gfs mom!

    So I have done some work in domestic violence, plus had some personal expericne when I was in my 20s. You have gotten great advice here. I also suggest you contact a DV program and talk to them about the situation and get advice.

    The boyfriend is abusive and that has to be very very hard to watch as her mother. One of the things abusive men try to do is to iisolate their partner from friends and family... if their partner is isolated it is much harder for them to leave!!! So your job as her mother is not to let him isolate her from you. She needs to know she can come to you when things get bad. She is young and wants to be independent and separate from you but when she needs you she will come to you. So whatever you do you want to keep the door open and have the best relationshp you can with her under the circumstances.

    My parents were very very smart. They were very worried when I was dating my first major boyfriend in college. He was extremely controlling. He did not have drug or legal problems but he was definitely abusive. They let me know their concerns but mostly kept their mouths shut... and he was always welcome in our home. Eventually I had enough and broke up with him and they were there to help me pick up the pieces. If they had made an issue of him and not liking him I would have totally rebelled and the relationship would probably have gone on longer (which was long enough as it was - 2 years).

    Good luck this is a very tough situation to watch.
  8. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    Thank you all so much for the very warm welcome and your words of wisdom, I tried to reply earlier but it seems to have gone kaput so here goes again:) not sure how to navigate the forums yet.

    The idea of talking to someone at the domestic violence shelter is a good one, not thought of that.

    I know my daughter is depressed and has been for a year or so, she won't go to a therapist though, she has said she hates life, people, everything....her natural father (we are divorced ) is a total jerk to put it nicely, plays a lot of mind games, he has tried to turn my daughter against me telling lies, he's a compulsive liar, since she was a toddler, she hates him..I know this has something to do with why she's with this guy and I think therapy will help but she's told me no, she is not going.

    My husband and i were married when she was 7 and he has always been great with her and loves her a lot, she calls him dad but I know she's mixed up about everything. The guilt I have is terrible, she is my only child.

    I know this guy is trying to alienate her from us, I am sending myself crazy with worry but I won't say anything about him anymore, it does just send her right in to his arms, she has been gone since yesterday and not called, she has a cell and usually does check in but right now mom is the bad guy!! I can't sleep properly and have cried so much over this, I just feel so helpless.

    Interestingly enough, when this guy was staying with us, my husband overheard him on the phone telling someone he has two girlfriend's......hopefully he is going to hang himself.
    So pleased to have found this forum, thank you all again, hugs....
  9. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    I hear a lot of advice here about not forbidding the relationship as it will drive your child into rebelliously committing to it even more deeply, and I "get" that. Still, if I find a boyfriend of one of my daughters (both PCs and doing very well in college, so no risk of that) to be a rotten jerk (or worse, as is evidently the case here), I would surely bar him from entering my home, just as I would bar anyone whom I didn't like and didn't want to have around. You don't have to tolerate the presence of a druggy, repellent loser in your home simply because he's dating your daughter--quite the contrary, as a matter of fact: it's *your* home, after all. You can tell your child that you will make no comment on the relationship or the boyfriend--it's your prerogative simply to remain mum about him--but that you don't want him on the property at all, period. If she pitches a fit, she's 18, right? There's the door, kiddo. Nobody's forcing you to live here.
  10. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    So, after my last post I made myself a cuppa tea and tried to relax, then my husband, who is very computer savvy told me to keep calm, he has found computer searches for.."How to steal" and "How to steal from stores"..I am literally shaking....my daughter's boyfriend is a thief already, my daughter is the only one who could have done these searches, what do I do? Ignore it and not say anything? omg..obviously this is going on or, is going to be going on, I cannot stand this. If I say something I'll be accused of being a snoop and she will run to him...never mind about the fact, hey, we just found this about stealing on the computer, she will be gone.

    My daughter is in trouble, what do I do, it's one thing after another.
  11. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    It's unlikely others will agree with me, but my counsel is a) tell her you know about the internet searches and that you're appalled; b) tell her that the boyfriend is not welcome on the property; c) tell her that if she starts to go south behaviorally, as appears to be imminent, there's the door. She's 18 and you don't have to keep a thief or criminal in the house, and you won't. Yes, your daughter is in trouble, but she's also legally an adult. It's *your* house--she's a guest now. Set the rules plainly and firmly and enforce them without exception. Otherwise this will go wildly haywire and your home life will be turned inside-out.
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    What was your daughter like before she met the boyfriend? I think that might make a difference in how you react. If she was basically a normal teen, with mostly good behavior then this new behavior and the stealing etc. may be totally due to the abusive boyfriend. If that is the case then i think i would let her know you saw the searches on the computer and that worries you because you know that is not like her and you wonder what is driving her to donthings she knows are wrong. I would not mention the boyfriend or say you think it is because of him but hopefully she will question it herself.

    If she has always been a difficult teen with out of control behvaior then i might keep quiet and let natural consequences for stealing happen.

    I dont think you should tell her to leave your home because in the end that will make it harder to leave the boyfriend. However it is your home and you have the right to set appropriate limits. If you dont want him there you dont have to have him there, although you will probably also see less of her. And certainly you do not need to accept bad or abusive behavior from her. 18 or not she still needs to follow house rules....but the rules should be reasonable for an 18 year old.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I see mrammler's point. But like toughlovin, I think it would depend on how your daughter was before this boy came into the picture as to how I would approach it. If daughter was a normal typical teen, I'd have to sit down and admit my worries to her. It might be with a typical teen, enough to bring her attention to how much she's risking to be with this boy that could possibly bring her back to reality. If daughter was giving you problems before the boy entered the picture.....you did mention depression, but not behavior problems........I, like toughlovin, would leave it alone and let natural consequences take their course should she make the wrong decisions.

    When dealing with domestic violence, even when it's just with a controlling person, parents walk a tight wire, torn between the need to rescue your child from obvious danger and the risk of driving her further into the relationship.

    The 2nd girlfriend is a good thing. Hopefully, daughter will discover what a total loser this jerk is much quicker.

    I'd also be hesitant to tell her to leave unless her behavior becomes such that you can't have her living there........because it will make it much harder for her to make the break from the guy. If she follows house rules without an issue, then I'd let her stay.

  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi ski just wanted to let you know I am following you thread and care about your situation. So sorry you and husband are going through this. I am an only child with the exception of a half sister I have barely known my whole life. Didn't meet my "loser" dad til i was 17. My mom also carried tremendous guilt and like your daughter I was attracted to the misunderstood bad boy. I think it comes from a core belief that you are not worthy of being loved well by dad so you try and get that "love" from another who also does not have the capacity to really love you well.

    But regardless of the why's this is not your fault.
    I do think daughter needs concealing though.
    And like others I don't think you should kick daughter out of your home at this time but do think it fine to ban her boyfriend. He has stolen from you all... That is enough reason to ban him. I also agree with others about not verbally expressing judgement about him...I do so hope your daughter will figure this out for herself.

    Hugs and hope for your family,
  15. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My Youngest has dated a string of abusers. She had children by the last two of them. They were all abusive in different ways, but the 2nd, the father of my grandson, was the most physically abusive. I have never felt so sick and helpless in my life, as when she'd tell me stories of what he'd done to her. He hit her often (never leaving visible marks). He once locked her out of her bedroom, went through all her stuff and destroyed every single card and letter and picture from her childhood (mostly the ones that involved other boys even elementary school crushes, or girl friends he didn't approve of), put it in a trashbag, and made her take it to the dumpster. Another time he met her in the parking lot of our apartment complex, coerced her into his car "just to talk," and drove off with her, racing through the back roads, threatening to drive the car into a tree and kill both of them, stopped on the side of the road and pushing her out and leaving her, then coming back a few minutes later and forcing her back into the car. Eventually he brought her home.. but she didn't tell me about it until the next day. She refused to call the police, she refused to press charges, and I was helpless since she was over 18. I actually spoke to him after that episode, telling him to never come to my apartment again, and his response was, "I didn't do that, don't you think that if I did that I'd be in jail right now?" It was sickening.. he KNEW she would never turn him in, becuase he had such power over her.

    I spoke to the police, including their domestic violence officer, and I spoke to the counselor she was seeing at the time. I could do absolutely nothing since she refused to press charges. Eventually I banned him from my home, even sending a certified letter to him notifying him of the fact, and copying the local sheriff's department on the letter. That didn't stop her from letting him in the house when I wasn't home, however (which was how he got to her before), and I couldn't prove he was there so I could do nothing. I contemplated installing a video camera.. but couldn't afford it. Quite honestly the only things that got her away from him for good, were (1) him finding another girl and (2) her finding another guy .. who eventually turned out to be an abuser as well (just in a different kind of way). Sadly, her take on the next guy's (the father of my granddaughter) abuse was, "well at least he doesn't beat me up like B did." She put up with that abuse for 2 years, and it only ended recently when he was thrown in jail for offenses that I can't even go into here. Now she and her 2 kids are living with me. I've a feeling she'll likely date another abuser next .. she's not gotten any counseling to change her pattern ... I can only hope the next one won't be as bad as the last 2 (quite honestly, it can't get much worse).

    I found it incredibly frutrating that there are little to no resources or support groups for families of DV victims. All the resources are for the victim. What I did learn, from what I found, was as others have said: the more you badmouth the abuser or convince her to leave him, the more likely she is to stay with him. The most important thing is to let her know you love her and support her no matter what, and that you'll be there for her when she needs you. Leaving literature around is not a bad idea.. I did that as well. Thing is, (in my opinion) the victim almost always *knows* they're being abused, somewhere inside. But abusers convince them they are not worthy ... that they deserve this treatment, that no one else would want them. They convince them that their families are the enemy. All you can do is prove the abuser wrong by being loving and supportive.. while at the same time putting up firm boundaries. If he's driving your car, take it away. Ban him from your home. As I've said to Youngest, I can't stop you from talking to him/seeing him, but I won't finance it or support it in any way. I try to make my feelings clear without telling her how crazy she is for staying with/talking to the abuser.. because it only makes her feel worse about herself. Like I said, she knows she's being abused. She doesn't need anyone to hammer that into her head and make her feel worse for staying with him. She just needs to hear that she's strong enough to leave the relationship when she's ready.

    Whew, I didn't mean to write a novel :) But as you can tell, this is a subject that hits all too close to home. Hopefully just knowing that others have been in your shoes, will help...
  16. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    Hi Ski- I went through this exact situation with my daughter, except she had a baby with the loser! Awesome! At any rate, every situation is different, but here's what I did: first, I got involved in a support group for domestic violence at our local shelter. This helped me more than anything else. It was where I learned how to detach from my daughter, which is an on-going process, but I could never have even begun without the help of the wise women in my group. I laid out specific rules for my daughter- he was not allowed in my house and when she lived with me there was no contact allowed. When I found out she was back in touch with him I gave her the choice- cut off contact or there's the door (and the baby was only a few months old at this time). She chose the door. Whenever she wanted to contact the police or file charges I stood by her 100%. These guys are an addiction for these girls- have no doubt about that- so all the addictive behaviors come with it- lying, irrational behavior, etc. I had to deal with everything very matter of factly and keep my emotions out of it, which was hard, but I let those emotions go in my group. I literally had to spell out rules, etc. with her in very matter of fact terms, no arguments. If she tried to argue or started lying I would say- no arguing or I know you're lying- and hang up the phone or walk away. It was VERY hard, but it saved my sanity. I worried all the time because this guy was violent with her, didn't work, cheated on her, was a terrible person in every way, but by detaching I was a little better. Focusing on myself and my health helped. It is the worst situation you can imagine, I know. You can't really do anything except press charges against him any time he does anything on your property. I called the police numerous times on Kat's ex and he finally stayed far from my house. Also I never gave her money or any material help when she was with this guy. I would buy things for the baby, but nothing for her or that he could benefit from

    She is away from him now, but it took nearly 4 years. She started getting it once she had the baby and he was a total deadbeat. But be aware that once the girls get it and REALLY leave the guys they ramp up the horrible behavior- threats, violence, etc. My daughter has her own issues anyway, and I think healthy girls would get out of these relationships at the first sign of violence, bad treatment, etc., but they got worse when she was with this guy.

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. I completely understand how you feel. The best thing I did was get support from the group at my local domestic violence shelter.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think I am going to assume that your daughter was a pretty typical teen before this guy entered her life. Because of that I am going to base my responses that way. Even with the new computer history you have uncovered, I wouldnt go crazy. There could be many reasons she looked that up other than what you are jumping at right away. Maybe she is wondering what to watch out for when she is with this guy instead of planning on doing the actual stealing.

    I know I had a friend once when I was an adult who used to shoplift from stores. I was so shocked! Now I will admit that I did that a time or two when I was a young teen but I got caught trying to steal a pack of cigarettes and that scared me so bad I never did it again so when this lady who was a so called friend of mine did it in front of me, I was shocked silly. We worked together and I just knew that if she got caught we would both go down together so I went to the police and asked them questions about how to handle issues like this. If I had a computer back then, I am sure I would have looked it up on the computer.

    As far as her not contacting you yet. Yeah, she is probably out on her save the world mission. I remember those days. Since she does have her cell, I think I would just send her a text with a simple message maybe tomorrow morning saying something simple like "good morning beautiful, how was your night?" Corny yes....and it might just make her smile. In case you dont know, thats the first line to a country song.

    Dont expect a text back though. Think up other things to text again. Just little one liners that will make her grin. if you have a pet...send a message from the family pet. Just one line. She will get the hint.
  18. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi ski!

    Welcome to the fold!

    I could be way off the mark here, but I'm going to give this a whirl. I think the reason she's clinging to fixing this young man isn't so much fixing him. I rather think it has more to do with her childhood and giving her Dad a chance. Sounds nuttier than a fruitcake, but it's quite possible. A lot of children from divorces whether they do or don't get divorce counseling can be angry, and as parents we're going through so much emoition on our own we are just so relieved when the divorce is over we forget that while we are relived, the kids aren't necessarily relieved. They are left with a huge hole. Mommies and Daddies should stay together no matter what, no matter how damaged Daddy was. To give up on Daddy was unforgivable, and now she's going to show you that you don't just give up on people because they are damaged. This tragedy has happened to her once, she's hellbent on not allowing it to happen again, so you have a real problem on your hands. Her heels are really dug in, and I doubt that anything you say whether it was GET OUT, or I'll give you a million dollars are going to make a difference. This is deeper for her than you realize and what's worse? I would bet (not saying I'm right) but I bet it's something she has no idea of why she's doing.

    Weirder yet? If you sit down and tell her this? OMG are you going to get venom in the eyes. Why? Because she's 18, and Dads a jerk, and that was YOUR marriage, not HER relationship. Gosh Mom are you a ninny. Yeah and at this point? I think this is about where I wanted to grab my purse and leave the shrinks office. Oh wait - yeah it was me - not from divorce, but from adoption. However it did apply to my sons choices for the little girls he picked. It was like he gravitated to the puppy with three legs and one eye. The ones no one wanted. He was sure he'd show everyone that the things in life no one wanted were SAVEABLE, because in his mind I threw his Dad out because he wasn't fixalble. It took years of therapy to remedy this in both him and myself. The first thing you have to do is get over the anger that someone is even suggesting it. That took months.

    It's a plausable explaination for why she may be dating this young man. How you proceed? Wow that's pretty tough because most of me would want to tell you to help this kid, being the Mom of a son who had/has similar qualities. My heart hurts for this kid because while part of me wants to think that there is good in most people, the reality side of me that has a lot of board Moms visually standing behind me with arms crossed and eyebrows raised glaring at me - would tell you to just Tough LOVE this situation, tell him he's scum, and tell your daughter when she comes to her senses? You'll be there for her.

    In retrospect at this stage of the game? I feel that it's going to take a little more for all of you as a family to come to some healing on it all. I believe the DV shelter is a great resource as suggested. It may be a good idea to get a family therapist and just you or you and your husband go even if it's just one or two visits. I was also tossing out for consideration the fact that you, husband, your daughter and this boy sit down and have a talk too after you discuss a plan with the therapist. Maybe it is possible that you oversee therapy for your daughter AND this boy? Not together - but same day? My thought was if SHE is willing to commit, and he agrees?
    They both go they both get help - they both do good. Everyone happy - best case scenario.
    They both go. She stays in it - he flakes out. She can't believe he won't go - she sees he's not committed to their relationship. She dumps him.
    They both go. He stays in it......she flakes out - He talks her back into going - they both work on their problems and neither ends up together but are friends.
    Of course there is always - Dad grabs gun from closet - runs boy down road - girl chases after him - you never see either again - she finds another WORSE looser .........(didn't think I'd include that one huh?) And she finds worse looser because she never gets help because she didn't deal with the real underlying issues that cause he to pick loosers in the first place. This will not go away just because HE does. TRUST ME.

    Stranger things have happened - but maybe by offering to get them BOTH help? You keep an eye on them both- YOU get control back over things - and you help TWO people?

    Just thinking out loud. Possibly thinking crazy thoughts out loud, but if he's got two methhead parents for help? He really hasn't had any help. Not your problem for sure - is it? But gosh when our kids take on a crusade.

  19. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    "There could be many reasons she looked that up other than what you are jumping at right away. Maybe she is wondering what to watch out for when she is with this guy instead of planning on doing the actual stealing."

    No offense, but I think that's exactly the sort of pollyanna thinking that gets a lot of parents of difficult children in trouble. My sister (mother of a difficult child) did this sort of thing for years and years, and still does it to some extent now: seizing upon extremely unlikely interpretations of fairly obvious hints & clues so that she wouldn't have to face the ugly truth. If a teenager is dating an unambiguous difficult child and evidently going the difficult child route herself as a result of that influence, and if the difficult child has already been caught stealing, and you find that your teenager is looking up "how to steal" webpages on the internet, guess what? She's planning on doing some stealing. Kidding yourself that it's something else, some highly unlikely other possibility, simply paves the way for the misconduct and reinforces the tendency in yourself to willfully ignore or dismiss the signs and clues and hints that you need to be aware of and responsive to if you're going to deal with a difficult child effectively.
  20. ski10

    ski10 New Member

    Thank you everyone, I have been working long shifts so have had no time to reply but will do tomorrow after getting some sleep!

    Everyone has taken the time to help so I don't want to rush right now and reply, hugs to all..