Day 67:Greiving the Dream/Acceptance

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by compassion, Jan 23, 2009.

  1. compassion

    compassion Member

    Hi support group! I celebrate 67 days of difficult child not running away or using substances. It is very painful and challenging and I am grievng big time. I attended the first NAMI parent to parent class last night with my husband. It was great but also a safe place to feel how much grief and loss I am experincing. difficult child has been in a down cycle all week and gotton violent/raging two times and mostly non-compliant with her academics and would not go to community service aqt Humane Society today. I guess she is overwhilmed. She started to cut up her volleyball uniform she just got on Wednesday. She is team captain. She held me hostage for 3 hours yesterday. I was frsutrated as I wanted to work with her on academics. She has been sleeping lots after last week getting very little sleep,running, and cleaing the house. This week, a sturggle :she did go to practice for voleyball but did not want to follow what 18 year old asst. coach said. Thanks for all your support!!! She did perhaps 45 minutes of academics. I am committed to her getting earned diploma. She has been playing Compassion
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    O Compassion--

    You must feel so exhausted--emotionally and physically. If only there was some way to send you on vacation!

    I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

  3. robinm1922

    robinm1922 One day at a time

    My heart goes out to you! I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry!
    Sorry I don't have enough experience to offer advice just a shoulder (so to speak) to cry on!

    Take deep breaths and remember in through the nose and out through the mouth. I hope it is all right to say I will keep you and your difficult child in my prayers.
    Sending hugs your way :peaceful:
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yikes! When she gets manic or even mixed, she's really in deep! I am so sorry.
    But, she hasn't run and hasn't "used," so I guess you have to look at the whole picture, even though, as you said, there is a grieving process for everything. Sigh.

    Is there a dr appointment. to tweak her medications in the near future?
    I'm so sorry that she cut up her uniform. Especially since she's team captain.

    Does she sleep a lot after these episodes?

    Remind me, is the NAMI group like Alanon?
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    What a long journey you are on. Maybe your difficult child is starting to see what is going on? She is definitely getting angry about the situation she is in. Hopefully she will soon see all the great tools you have provided in the activities you have her in. Encourage her to make a dream and allow you to help her achieve it. Let her know that she can turn her life around. Have you been celebrating some of these numbers with her? Does she realize that she is on Day 67?

    You are doing a great job. These steps of grieving have different time lines for different people and different situations. It would be easier to know the order of your steps and the timelines of each but since we don't know, you just need to march forward. Your warrior moms from here are at your side marching a long with you.
  6. compassion

    compassion Member

    Terri, She did not actually cut up her unform, thratening to. Yeh, she does end up collapsing after the episdoes. Now it is 6 and a half hours befre the tourney and she is gone. At first I said she could go over to a freind;s for 3 hours. Then she goes we are eating out and going to a movie. I had my son,18 go over to the movie, she wasn;t there. She continued to spin saying movie did not start till 8:30. Then she says we are eating. I claled at one point and I heard music: she is partying.
    I am livid!!! She has been noncompliant and rTHER DEPRESSIVE ALL WEEK: WOULD NOT SO ACADEMICS OR HER HUMANE SOCIETY today.
    I htink she may be at the apartment dhe went over to at 3:30 (It is now 7 hours later.) husband is going over there.
    I am so exhausted yet right now I mso angry I feel like taking everlything out of her room. I did this once and it took me 8 hours. I have already spent 2 hours clearing her roomtoday: it was a mess: she is very chaotic right now. This was before the cleaners cleanedit: just sorting therough laundry, food, etc. I need to take her cellphone.
    Now I am thinking I need to hopitalize her
    Her next psychiatrist is Feb. 3. The psychiatrist keeps saying her medications are fine. I tend to agree. She s drinking/using again, I am almost sue and she said she is not taking her medications Plus, she is starving herself again to look good.Yes, AP contribute o weight gain but she does not need to be drinking soda, candy,etc.
    My moomy heart is breaking.
  7. compassion

    compassion Member

    Adrianne: I don;t know what you meant by it would help to know the order of the steps and the timelines? Do you meand diagnosis?
    She was heopitalized in phospital July 28-ugust 7 2008 after running away, stealing our cars and money, smashing two of them within a week and getting adult crimnal charges. The bizzzare behavior started mid June, 2008 but I now knwo she exhibted BiPolar (BP) since 3 years old. She had never been medicated or in therapy before that. Since then, I have tried hard as you know to get her help and keep her at home. She rn and was hgh pretty much from Aug-November 17. I told her that she could no longer be here and do that: too risky so drew up behavior contracts and she went to AA and stopped running away: that put her more comolant onmeds which stbilized her a lot.
    I suspect she started using again last weekend. Her good freind has now said once agian she does not want to be freinds becasue of difficult child's scary behavior which includes risky sex besides the partying.
    I so much wanted to keekp her at homebut it is not looking hat realistic today. Thanks, Compassion
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I was referring to the grieving processes. How long will the anger last, how long will each of the other steps in grieving last? There is no set time. I have also heard that the steps do not always go in the same order. You just have to work through it. Even in acceptance, you have days of grieving.

    You are putting so much into this. Your love for her really does show. You are a great mom! You are evaluating your own abilities to continue with the help you are providing. You state that you do not know if keeping her at home is realistic. You are determining if that is a fact or a discouraging feeling that you can overcome. You are a true Warrior Mom!

    I hope some day she will appreciate all that you have done for her. Why is it so hard for our kids to recognize a helping hand?

    I am enjoying cheering you on as you count up each day. 67 days really is amazing.
  9. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Well, I guess I am going to be the lone voice that says I think you are not going to succeed with the way you are going about this. You are the one excited about 67 days, you are the one who is at the point of exhaustion trying to keep her on track, you are totally enmeshed and she does not need to take control of her own life because you are doing it for her. She has no responsibility--you have taken it all on. And, added to that, she gets to rebel big time--she knows her life is the most important thing to you--what better way to rebel against Mom than to do everything Mom doesn't want her to?

    I guess I sound harsh but I mean it all in the kindest way. Just wanted to throw out a different point of view. My difficult child 1 is now 20 yrs old but she was much like your dtr when she was 15. I didn't have a snowball's chance in he** of stopping her destructive behaviors because she was determined to do whatever she wanted, regardless of the consequences.

  10. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, Compassion, I am so sorry!

    Whywhywhywhy do these kids not understand how destructive they are being, not only to their own bodies (alcohol and soda pop, and then no food) and to the people around them?

    Many, many hugs. I don't know what to say ... I know the feeling about cleaning up her room. I, too, have spent many hrs doing that with-our difficult child, but now I've got a system down. And there isn't much in there any more. :)

    Yes, I would take away her cell ph and crack down. It's all you can do.

    Best of luck.

    We'll be here for you.
  11. compassion

    compassion Member

    Thanks for sharing Janebrain. I really try to put stuff on her. I really try to take care of me, work my Al-Anon program and be there for my son, 18 and my husband.
    I am today at a point of surrender and acceptance. There has been huge progress from the running away all night and stealing cars which is where we were 2 months ago. I have to accpet though that she is very ill with bipolar, conduct disorder and substance abuse. Plus her basic personality is very independent and stubborn.
    I do think it is approprtiate to set the boudnaries. I will be takign her cell phone so she can not contact law breakers. I will give financil rewards for even 5 minutes of academics and Humane Society work. I will continue to support her health, track her moods. I do think I have made much progress in detatchment. I will contue to insist that she go to AA. She ahs a grat therapist, psychiatrist. She has worked hard and is captain of her volleyball team.
    It has been and continues to be a major achievmenet to keep her out of the legal system.
    husband has her at a voleyball tourney 3 hours away. I am getting a break.
    I do need to keep taking care of me and keeping safe. My plan for this week is to call an Al-Anon contact id she rages.
    I found out she was at a boy's house, age 20: I have knwon this kid since he was 11 or 12.
    So, it is back to her taking a white chip and me setting boundaries around no blackmail and abuse . She will be directly supervied until she makes 30days. I will reward positve compliance with money. She does have focus issues so will encorage and reward any and all academic effort.
    I do see this is her choice.
    A huge issue with her is immpulsivity: she really is not able to regulate herself: I contrnue to pput stuff on her but if her impulse control is so poor and her need for peer approaval so high coupled with high addictive personality, she needs high level of structure and supervision. Compassion
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Your resolve is clear.

    It is exhausting to have to monitor her like that.

    I am so glad you have a bit of time to yourself while your husband has her at the game. Every little bit helps. (And I'm glad she didn't actually cut up her uniform!)