decision time

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Dec 27, 2010.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    i knew after holiday i'd have to make a decision about difficult child and what to do. i put it on a shelf a few days ago, and wow did it come down off that shelf late last night.

    anxiety was fierce. i did my breathing, got thru it and eventually fell asleep. woke up today to alot of snow, stuck in watching her not eat.

    my decision is hard due to easy child. leaving her here for so long like that. husband works alot and is only here two days a week, rest of time he's in after midnight or eleven.

    if it wasn't for her being in the state she's in there wouldnt' be a decision, i'd just throw difficult child into the truck and make the 44 hr drive and break it up stay at hotels tosleep etc. i can't handle a 7 hr flight neither could she at this point.

    so i have the local place to chk out yet they admitted their program wont' have enough one on one for her. so that leaves me with-oregon again. no near family to have her stay with and can't pull herout of school for 4 to 8 weeks dependent upon how long it takes.

    so i'm stumped right now.and my window isn't that big anymore. she's down to 100 lbs. now from 112 i had her at. she's drinking some fluids yet you know how that goes not nearly enough water, 1 glass at best and that's fighting her tooth and nail.

    so i'm irritable, holiday is def. over for me and i;m tired and not feeling up to another battle with-this to be really honest yet i get i dont' have a choice.

    what if i leave and easy child tanks horribly or worse? than what?
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Can you take easy child with you? Home school her for the duration, it will mean that for a lot of the time you are there within call for difficult child, you can be physically there for easy child too. Make it an adventure for easy child, get her to do a photo journal of the place you go to and any special features of it. This should count for some brownie points with her school.

  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    (((hugs))) I really like Marge's idea. How would easy child be with that? .
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    From what I can see you don't really have a lot of options. Have you asked easy child what her preferences are? I think marg is right. Talk to the school, explain the situation, and take both girls to Oregon. The longer you wait the worse difficult child is going to get. She won't be strong enough to make the trip if you wait much longer, esp if you plan to drive that far. Or else have easy child stay at your parents, or have husband change his schedule so that he can be there for easy child in the evenings. Does easy child have a best friend? Someone she would be willing to stay with, and parents who would help you out if you paid for room and board? Otherwise you may want to fly to Oregon with difficult child, get her settled and fly home to be with easy child. You will have to fly back and forth a bit, but would be able to really let difficult child settle into the program and learn to be her own person with-o so much dependence on you.

    What does the program recommend? Have you checked for programs in other states?

    Regardless of what you do for/with easy child, difficult child is facing like threatening issues if she doesn't get real, intense help very very soon. Not just having no calories. Her body will break itself down, releasing toxins and it will damage her organs (among other body parts). Dehydration is even worse.

    I just cannot understand why the family doctor hasn't put her in the hospital for at least iv fluids and possible a feeding tube. At this point she is likely to need a feeding tube just so she can get the strength to face the therapy.
  5. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I have no advice to offer, just wanted to offer my support and best wishes for everyone.
  6. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Sorry you are going through this again Jena (and your difficult child too).

  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    marg not a bad idea yet not doable, it's pcs last year in school. she can't miss classes or she wont' graduate. i may have to chk out more local hospital this week, on wednesday see what their place is like at least their they'll put feeding tube down
  8. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jen, it's not the end of the world if easy child doesn't graduate on time. Lots of kids don't. You have an extenuating circumstance, and you may need to think outside the box. If you need to go to Oregon and easy child can't be left alone, she may just have to miss school. My own kids have had to drop courses for their illnesses. In the whole scheme of things, it's not going to matter. They will still go to college, they will still get jobs, they will still be functioning adults -- it will just be on their own timetable.

    Think about ALL of your options and do the right thing for your difficult child.
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    There can be all sorts of things that can get in the way of a kid's education. The system is set up to handle these issues. These problems don't work to a timetable; girls get pregnant, kids break legs or have urgent surgery, or have accidents. Or get sick for other reasons. It's a no fault situation.

    With difficult child 1, he was two months form his final graduation exams when we had to pull him out of mainstream. We were able to make it work, a lot better than if we had left him there.

    Talk to the school, talk to the district, ask their advice on the best way to go for easy child during tis difficult time. See how ,much they can come to the party - they may provide you with enough work for her to do while you are away. Post it back as it gets done. Or they may transfer her to a school near where you are staying, and liaise with that school so the work dovetails together. You don't know until you ask.

  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i already spoke to easy child and she won't go. it's complicated, as many of you know our easy child's take major hits due to our difficult child's and mine's taken way too many. i'd never have her miss graduation. she won't go anyway i asked her and if she says no she means it. she'll be 18 and she isn't higly manipulated at that age she's almost an adult who may just have to stay home on her own. if that's the choice she makes.

    my ex h dropped a bomb tongiht on us. how he isnt' paying anything towards it. husband is ****** we havent' even spoken today at all. for xmas ex h did same like 4 gifts that were junk for difficult child, husband went and spent well alot on her wanted her to have a nice xmas.

    ex always drops the ball. so husband is now panicking how are we going to get that money to even go. ugh. is all i gotta say. tired of this. wish we'd known that before going crazy over xmas.
  11. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    In-Patient programs have teachers that come in, paid for by your home school district, even if in another state, and will work her curriculum. Did you look into X facility? My insurance paid in full for it, there's one in NYC and Connecticut. How about X facility in New Jersey? I hope I can type this as I will not mention specific dr.'s. PM me if you want another in-patient program that my insurace co. paid in full for. I'm doing well now, but it did take awhile. If you can get her into someplace close by, easy child won't have that much of an inconvenience. Having said that, it's horrible for easy child to watch her sister do her thing at home, it's really bad, it's better to have her inconvenienced for a little while knowing her sister is getting help.
    Lasted edited by : Dec 28, 2010
  12. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    does easy child have a close friend who's parents might be willing to help you out? <<<hugs>>> I am so heart broken for you, there's nothing worse than feeling stuck, I've been there. But you have to make a list of pro's and con's and go from there. Do you have any services through the State for difficult child? I know the Crisis Management Services I have for difficult child II here in NJ go out of their way to help me, even drove difficult child II to program during a week I had to be into work earlier than usual. Praying you'll find some clarity.
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member


    up all night it's funny you mention that hospital, that's where we put difficult child first and it was a horror show, too much to even share what they did to her there, than top it off hit me with a bill for 50k. lol. yea like that'll get paid. insurance companies trying supposedly to work it out.

    i think i'm giong to call the local place, and go do a walk thru there, talk to staff see what i think first. that'll help the decision making. the money part is hard right now though. husband is getting tired of footing all the bills for her while dear old dad does nothing.

    if it were up to me i'd leave right after new years eve. it's a long long drive. 45 hours in total. we'd have to sleep at hotels probably two nights on the way. i think i know of a friend of easy child's that could feed her during week, it's just hard she's depressed now and i dont feel that comfortable leaving her. which is why staying local would make sense. yet i know difficult child and she needs alot of work and attention to truly get past this whatever is going thru that mind of hers. i dont' want another failed hospitalization.
  14. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    If it looks like you'll have to go to Oregon (or someplace else away from home), ask the hospital if there's a Ronald McDonald House nearby. The whole purpose of that organization is to keep families together during a child's illness. Here's a link:

    I'm so sorry that this nightmare is continuing.

    Hugs and prayers
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks, that's exactly where we were going to stay. i found another place today when i went on the eating disorder organization website. it's a residential placement, they handle food phobia's and also anxiety disorders and it's equine based in virginia. looks promising i'd have to leave her there, sat on phone with director for about 45 min asking tons of questions. yet i dont' know if we can afford it, their running insurance now. it's all based on horses, working with them, equine therapy which she loves.

    i'll drive up and see if first ofcourse as long as i can afford it. it's scary the thought of leaving her yet again but at the same time i hold the hope that if i do finally find the right place it could make all the difference in the world for her and her future. we as you know have other issues with-her. 12 is around the corner. i just gotta trust my gut. my gut told me i wasn't sure on the last hospitalization yet everyone said no do it do it and so even while she was there it felt very wrong. yet this place i'm not getting that feeling at all. it feels kinda right.
    Lasted edited by : Dec 28, 2010
  16. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Jen, I'm sorry I needed to delete the link of the facility in your post per the rules of the board. If anyone is interested in knowing what facility you're considering, he or she can PM you.
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi that's fine i didn't think. i just typed away. got word insurance will pay 50k towards it, a 30 day stay, i have to come up with-20k in a mos. and 5k down to admit her. i have no clue what husband can swing gotta talk to him later. i've emailed both set of grandparents, my family has nothing to see if they wanna contribute.

    we'll c.
  18. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    If this is the right program, I hope you can raise the funds.

    If you want, pm me with the name of the facility. One of my oldest and closest friends is a social worker who has worked with children's facilities throughout the state - not to mention knowing many, many folks in the business and a lot about the facility options in this state. He's been doing this for 30 years. I can pick his brain and see if he has some info about it. I can call him tonight after he gets off.