Defiant 13 year old step son....HELP

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lmom5, Apr 9, 2019.

  1. lmom5

    lmom5 New Member

    I have recently found this thread and I have spent some time reading it. Please take a second to read my story and offer any and ALL advice....we are at our wits end.

    Back story: My husband and his ex wife could not have kids. They started fostering to adopt, soon they got B. B was 2 1/2 years old. He came to them dirty and deathly afraid of water, they have no idea of where he came from or who his bio parents are. C1 came at 2 days old just a few months later. Soon after his ex wife found out she was pregnant with C2. C2 is the only biological child they had toghether. Within 3 years they had 3 small kids. They later divorced. I have 2 children that are mine from another marriage, G and T. Together we have 5 kids. All of us co-parent very well, we all talk daily and try to stay on the same page.

    B is our trouble child, he is 13 years old. He is highly medicated for numerous medical reasons. ADD and stomach problems. He takes vyvanse for ADD. He found out about 7 months ago that he was adopted, he has taken that really well. He has always been a hard child to raise, but the last 2 months have been a NIGHTMARE! He has turned into a manipulator and a liar, he is failing school and does not care about anything. We have taken everything away from him that we can think of, we are consistent and we do not yell at him. We try to talk to him. School has been a struggle all year, but the last 2 months have been rough. He keeps getting in trouble at school, for 2 weeks in a row he has almost been suspended for not following directions. He is currently punished from.....outside, tv, electronics, snacks, his bed and basically life. We take one thing away from him and work on that behavior and then he does something else. Nothing seems to work. When he behaves we give him a "break" from his punishment for a few hours. He has literally been punished since January. Example of some of the things he does....he is punished from electronics, kids go to bed at 8 pm and we are not long after them. He will get up in the middle of the night and go play xbox. His excuse is you won't let me play during the day so I will play at night. We now take the controllers when we go to bed. He has to sleep downstairs, due to him playing xbox in the middle of the night. He has to get a homework sheet signed that we created every day and he forges his teachers signature or he will write the assignment down and then after the teacher signs it he erases it and writes none. He made the football team at the school, we told him he could not play until he brought his grades up (motivation?) then he calls his dad during the school day and says mom said I can play so can I stay and get my things. Dad says yes and then calls mom, mom never said he could play nor could he stay. He manipulated the entire situation. You cannot believe anything he says and it is heartbreaking. I have read up on ODD and I do not believe he has that, he does not get violent. He is just absolutely defiant and if we say go left he will look you in the face and go right. He never takes the blame and it is always everyone else fault. You will watch him do something he is not supposed to do and he will throw his hands up and swear he did not do it. When you correct him on any thing he shakes his head and says that he was not doing it. Clearly I just saw you doing it. The other kids don't like to be around him and he makes our days hard. It's miserable for everyone involved!

    He is not a terrible child and he does not do terrible things, it is just a lot of little things that build up. We are beyond frustrated and do not know what to do. We have tried counseling in the past, but that does not last long because he manipulates them. For anyone to just meet him they will tell you he is an amazing child, then after about 3 to 4 months they start to see the true child. Please help, we are ready to give up and we cannot give up. We just don't know what to do, I hate to admit it but I hate going home in the afternoons because I don't want to deal with his attitude. Any recommendations or advice would be very much appreciated.

    How do we make it out of this time period?
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I don't know if it would work, but have you thought of starting out the day and he had no punishments? A clean slate from past behaviors? Then have punishments be short term? Then let natural consequences be his punishment? Also, let his dad be the disciplinarian for him instead of you?

    I agree with taking game controls and electronics away at bedtime. But, I think if he has his own room, he should sleep there. I think if I were a young teen, and had no quiet place I could go, I would be very angry after a while.

    Had he had an IQ test done? My adopted daughter (was step granddaughter) was very bright but did poorly in school. It turned out she was in the bottom 13% for both processing speed and working memory, but top 13% for general knowledge. Her mother drank thru the first half of her pregnancy and that caused FASD/ARND. It's like the frontal lobe of her brain wasn't wired right. No concept of time/money/cause and effect.

    Has he been thoroughly tested? Ksm
  3. You have just described our son who we adopted from Russia at 18mo old. I recommend continuing counseling but find one that knows what you are going through. You want one who is well acquainted with Reactive Attachment Disorder (Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD)) and Anti Social Personality Disorder. Find one who has worked in a group home/boys home for troubled teens. They will be able to see through the manipulation and lying. Call an office and ask if any of their therapists have experience with it.

    I think you are doing the right things. Unfortunately, more than likely he will continue to make choices that benefit him and he really doesn't care about your feelings because he lives in his own world. I wish I had better news....I would guess you have a rough road ahead of you.

    Our son is now 18yo. He chooses to have no contact with us unless he needs something such as money or documents. He still lies. We don't believe anything he says. He will lie even if the truth is a better story. He constantly plays the victim and nothing is ever his fault. Life with him was very exhaushand we thought we were losing our minds. I suggest you get into counseling as well.
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  4. StepmomNic

    StepmomNic New Member

    I am going through the same. I am also searching for answers. I am a stepmother of a 14yrs f who came from a strict Christian home for the first 13yrs of her life. Was considered bipolar odd add adhd, etc. Was also being "abused" at home. Mother acts very much like child. After a year and half of custody battle to relieve the child of said abuse, thousands of dollars and a fresh start, she is worse than ever. Drugs sex got suspended today for bringing alcohol to school for a friend. She yells and swears at us, lies ,slams things. Have 5 counselors for her she got better Living in our home. It would be a year next month. Since she entered public school and a little freedom she is running with the wrong crowd and royally screwing up. She has become unmanageable and everything I have read here is almost exactly like her. Don't know what to do. I just joined today. I need help too!