I've battled my depression since childhood and have been doing much, much better with it. However, things are taking their toll and I can feel it coming on again. For four nights now I've sat here at the computer monitor wanting to cry, hoping something will magically appear to make me feel better and of course it hasn't. How annoying is that? Anyway, I thought I knew everything there was to know about depression having fought with it for so long. And I probably do. But when it's hitting again, you get sucked into it and forget things. In the past I've not found therapy to be helpful because (and this isn't narcissitic) I know as much as the therapist does. I have always had an interest in mental health and have spent a lot of time learning about various disorders, read a lot of books. Hell, I even have my own DSM-IV. Had I not had a child right out of high school, I would have gone into the mental health field. (Although, the sensory stuff and executive function stuff was all new to me - issues that my difficult child has - and I'm now learning about those, too.) I've come a long way with this over the years and it took considerable concious effort on my part - forcing myself to do things that I really, really didn't want to, but knew I had to in order to get better. And I do mean forcing myself. It didn't happen overnight and I still mentally talk to myself almost everyday. I don't want to live this way forever. For years I really wasn't living. I was existing. I don't want to be there again. Ever. medications only go so far with me. I was on SSRI's when I was hospitalized 4 years ago and then proceeded to trial darn near every one out there and nothing worked while I was so sick. I was at the point where I was begging for ECT. Now I take them (lexapro 20 mg) to maintain, but I don't want to simply increase them. If I did that everytime I was having a hard time, I'd max out and then I'm afraid nothing would work. I'm not even sure why I'm typing this other than I need to get it straight in my head....and I need to get it out of my head. If that makes any sense. I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't do the victim mentality at all. Have zero patience with it in others, too. I'm trying to be proactive and not let this thing beat me like it did 4 years ago. I'm going to have to get my head out of the sand and face it head on.