Depression and being proactive

[flutterbee]

I've battled my depression since childhood and have been doing much, much better with it. However, things are taking their toll and I can feel it coming on again. For four nights now I've sat here at the computer monitor wanting to cry, hoping something will magically appear to make me feel better and of course it hasn't. How annoying is that? :wink:

Anyway, I thought I knew everything there was to know about depression having fought with it for so long. And I probably do. But when it's hitting again, you get sucked into it and forget things. In the past I've not found therapy to be helpful because (and this isn't narcissitic) I know as much as the therapist does. I have always had an interest in mental health and have spent a lot of time learning about various disorders, read a lot of books. Hell, I even have my own DSM-IV. Had I not had a child right out of high school, I would have gone into the mental health field. (Although, the sensory stuff and executive function stuff was all new to me - issues that my difficult child has - and I'm now learning about those, too.)

I've come a long way with this over the years and it took considerable concious effort on my part - forcing myself to do things that I really, really didn't want to, but knew I had to in order to get better. And I do mean forcing myself. It didn't happen overnight and I still mentally talk to myself almost everyday. I don't want to live this way forever. For years I really wasn't living. I was existing. I don't want to be there again. Ever.

medications only go so far with me. I was on SSRI's when I was hospitalized 4 years ago and then proceeded to trial darn near every one out there and nothing worked while I was so sick. I was at the point where I was begging for ECT. Now I take them (lexapro 20 mg) to maintain, but I don't want to simply increase them. If I did that everytime I was having a hard time, I'd max out and then I'm afraid nothing would work.

I'm not even sure why I'm typing this other than I need to get it straight in my head....and I need to get it out of my head. If that makes any sense. I'm not looking for sympathy. I don't do the victim mentality at all. Have zero patience with it in others, too. I'm trying to be proactive and not let this thing beat me like it did 4 years ago. I'm going to have to get my head out of the sand and face it head on.

 

[Loris]

Maybe it's a good thing that you're aware of it. It may help you keep it all in a little better control. I can understand that. I hope you do manage to keep it under control and feel better soon. It can be a big battle, especially when we have to deal with our difficult children. Take care of yourself.

 

[Wiped Out]

I agree it's a good thing you are aware. I'm wondering if therapy would help even though you probably know more than the therapist. I think sometimes it helps just to be able to talk about it. Be sure to take care of you. Hugs.

 

[timer lady]

Glad that you're self aware enough; now what can you do about it? I can tell by your post that you don't want to crash & burn.

Do you have a therapist you can call? Have you checked in with your doctor - maybe a small dose increase of your AD or anti anxiety medication would help?

As for the therapist, can you attend therapy with-o "knowing everything" & just search/work on what is right for you? It doesn't matter that you know the material if you can't apply it. See where I'm going with this?

What can you do for yourself? I practice piano or sit down with my knitting on a regular basis to "meditate", if you will. What is "you time"?

Take care of yourself - whatever you can find to help, do it.

 

[flutterbee]

Thank you for the replies, warm thoughts and words of encouragement. It's greatly appreciated. And I think you all are right. Recognizing it is half the battle.

Loris - I appreciate your words. Thank you.

Wiped Out and Timer Lady - you're right. I may know all about depression, but sometimes incorporating the coping skills takes a kick from the outside. I have immense respect for difficult child's therapist and I trust her implicity, which is very important. If I don't agree with something, she doesn't just shoot it down or talk down to me. We discuss it and sometimes I change her opinion and sometimes she changes mine. She's willing to see me. I have an appointment Wednesday at 2. Her first reaction over the phone was that maybe I need to change medications or boost them up a little and I said we'd have to talk about that. She just laughed and said, "Ok, I'll see you on Wednesday." She knows me. :wink:

Nomad - Thank you for your words of encouragement. I keep re-reading the part where you said, "It also means that you are very likely going to do very, very well." I like hearing that. Thank you.

 

[totoro]

WG- have you ever tried light therapy? I know they are a bit expensive, but my husband has un-diagnosis'd SAD and I am going to try it for difficult child and figure it can't hurt for me either since I struggle as well... I ordered one from Apollo Health online. They have a good rep.

I have heard good things about light therapy for depression... especially in conjunction with medications. And I see you are some where that has long winters...
just a thought.
I know we get hit hard up here.
I talk to myself as well I think my kids are what keeps me full of hope and want, at times.

Hang in there, please take care of yourself. I agree with Nomad!!! My doctor told me something similar recently and it made me feel really good.

 

[DammitJanet]

I know quite a lot about my disorders too and I am constantly researching them more. I went into therapy with quite an extensive background of knowledge because of how many years my son was in therapy. I found myself second guessing everything I was saying because I felt I "knew" the right answers. Really there arent any right answers. There are only real answers. It helps me to have someone to talk to.

My therapist doesnt do any formal type of CBT or DBT therapy with me right now...maybe later we will incorporate that into extra sessions but for now we do a kind of patient centered therapy where I basically just talk about what is troubling me and how I feel about it. This helps me along with my medications. Trust me I didnt think it would...lol.

 

[flutterbee]

totoro - I've looked into the light therapy several times. I always used the excuse that I can't afford it cause difficult child needs this or that. But I think that difficult child needs me able to be there for her more, so I'm going to get one. Let me know how it works for you.

The snow storm didn't help. While I absolutely love being snowed in, not getting out of the house is really bad for my depression. Will trigger it everytime. I even wonder how I'll cope when I'm retired. Figure I need to plan ahead, you know. LOL :wink:

Janet - I know what you mean about there being no right answers, just real answers. I have a very bad habit of unintentionally manipulating therapy by giving the "right" answers because I feel so pathetic and weak when I feel like this and hate that feeling so much and don't want to be vulnerable or appear weak to others. Stupid, huh? Especially since I'm not helping myself ANY by doing that. I think it will be good to talk to someone who can be objective and it's even better that she knows my difficult child so I don't have to rehash all that.

pigless - thanks for that link. I'll check it out.