Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by tinamarie1, Mar 22, 2009.

  1. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    I haven't been on here in quite some time. I just go through phases where Im not on the computer for a while. husband left for his 1st deployment about 3 weeks ago. I have depression and anxiety and see a counselor and psychiatrist. I take medications for both. Well, since he has been gone, I feel like my depression is out of control. I just start crying for no reason. Sobbing crying. I don't do it in front of my kids because i don't want them to be upset. But its every day. I have actually wondered if I need to check myself into the hospital. But my kids would have to stay with- neighbors and I don't want them to go through any upset with- their dad being gone.
    I have made the mistake of telling my mother in law when she called that I have been crying and just so sad since husband left. She tells me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with life, that I can't let myself go. She doesn't know that I see the psychiatric and counselor or that I have REAL depression. Part of me doesn't want her to know all my business, but the other part of me wants to tell her look, depression doesn't work that way...I can't snap out of it. It has taken over my life. She calls every day now to say, how are you feeling? and then if i don't say "im wonderful" she tells me again how I need to get out my "funk". I wasn't answering the phone for a while, but she got to where she would call 5 - 6 times a day.
    Even my counselor told me just to stay busy. Staying busy helps? I read, watch movies, clean, take care of my kids, but at random moments, I will just feel like I can't control my tears and go to my room and just sit and cry.
    I quit going to church because it triggers something in me too. I have ran to the bathroom there and sat and sobbed. Then when I come out to leave church, people have seen me and want to know whats wrong. HOW do I explain this? Do I tell every acquantiance that I have depression that I can't control?
    It makes me just want to stay inside, not answer my phone or have contact with people. They don't understand, they think I can watch a movie and it will be all better. Or I can just control it and chose to be happy.
    I just needed to get this out. I just wish I could find someone who understands what I am going through.
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. Is there a support group in your area for military wives? It may help to get together with others in your position. Its so easy for someone to tell you to feel better----ignore them and do what you can to help yourself.
  3. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    ew, I feel like the problem is much bigger than just husband being gone. I struggle with- depression even when he's here, it just seems like him leaving triggered it to be more often and more severe. When I start crying, its just a huge feeling of sadness, Im not necessarily thinking about him or missing him...its hard to explain.
  4. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I am sorry you are having such a hard time with this. People who have not lived with it or taken care of someone who has just don't understand that you can't always pull yourself out of a "funk".

    Staying busy helps some but as you said, "How to stay busy?" What do you need to do that helps? Sounds like you are trying your best.

    People at church just want to help and it is hard to explain.

    Maybe it is time to try different medications if your current ones are not helping?

    Is there a hospital nearby? You could look into day programs - treatment programs that last during the day and you would be home in the evening for the kids. It may be helpful to check that option out before school is out for the summer - you could get some treatment while the kids are in school.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry you are battling with this. I have wondered how you were and what was going on. I am glad you came back to us for support, I missed you.

    Depression is truly terrible to live with. It sounds like you are doing what you can to cope with it. If you need the hospital then it may be better for the kids to "sleep over" with neighbors while you get better than to know something is wrong and you are not happy for a long time. Kids blame themselves for everything.

    I am NOT saying you must go to the hospital. Just that it won't be the end of the world if you need to. Esp if you have neighbors you trust to care for them.

    I pray that husband has a safe tour of duty and is home safe, healthy and soon.

    Sending big hugs, and some duct tape for your mother in law. She clearly has no clue about depression and you need to ignore what she says. Can you tell your mother in law that you are very busy and do not have time to speak daily about this? She is welcome to talk to the kids, but you have a lot on your plate and must go about business now that you have picked yourself up by your bootstraps. Would that get her off your back for a little while?

    It just seems unfair to have both the depression monkey and the mother in law monkey on your back right now. Want me to come and beat the mother in law monkey off with a stick? (kidding)

    Gentle hugs and know we are here for you.
  6. tinamarie1

    tinamarie1 Member

    thanks for such kind words Susie. unfortunately my mother in law is coming to visit this Thursday. she will be here until next monday....gah! i won't be able to escape her.
    i made the mistake of telling my mom today what i have been going through. she called me 2 hours later and asked if i was "over" my depression yet. what?! i told her mom, this is not a cough or cold. it is something i have lived with for a very long time and just decided today to tell you. omg, they are making me crazy(er).
    I am calling my psychiatrist first thing in the morning to see if she can tweak my medications or something.