I haven't been on here in quite some time. I just go through phases where Im not on the computer for a while. husband left for his 1st deployment about 3 weeks ago. I have depression and anxiety and see a counselor and psychiatrist. I take medications for both. Well, since he has been gone, I feel like my depression is out of control. I just start crying for no reason. Sobbing crying. I don't do it in front of my kids because i don't want them to be upset. But its every day. I have actually wondered if I need to check myself into the hospital. But my kids would have to stay with- neighbors and I don't want them to go through any upset with- their dad being gone. I have made the mistake of telling my mother in law when she called that I have been crying and just so sad since husband left. She tells me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with life, that I can't let myself go. She doesn't know that I see the psychiatric and counselor or that I have REAL depression. Part of me doesn't want her to know all my business, but the other part of me wants to tell her look, depression doesn't work that way...I can't snap out of it. It has taken over my life. She calls every day now to say, how are you feeling? and then if i don't say "im wonderful" she tells me again how I need to get out my "funk". I wasn't answering the phone for a while, but she got to where she would call 5 - 6 times a day. Even my counselor told me just to stay busy. Staying busy helps? I read, watch movies, clean, take care of my kids, but at random moments, I will just feel like I can't control my tears and go to my room and just sit and cry. I quit going to church because it triggers something in me too. I have ran to the bathroom there and sat and sobbed. Then when I come out to leave church, people have seen me and want to know whats wrong. HOW do I explain this? Do I tell every acquantiance that I have depression that I can't control? It makes me just want to stay inside, not answer my phone or have contact with people. They don't understand, they think I can watch a movie and it will be all better. Or I can just control it and chose to be happy. I just needed to get this out. I just wish I could find someone who understands what I am going through.