Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by wendymarie, May 17, 2016.
Please can you guys tell me how to start doing this
Hi Wendymarie. A good place to start is to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. And, keep on posting, it helps to convey your story to those who understand and have been in your shoes. This stuff is hard, so along the way, make sure you get the support you need, 12 step groups, therapy, parent groups......whatever offers you support, help, information, guidance and nurturing. Glad you're here.
Well I'm in therapy and support group starting slow but I'm getting thrt
This has been the hardest for me with my son, still working on it. It's called detaching with love, it doesn't mean you no longer love the person, you are just detaching from their chaos and problems so you can take care of yourself and live a happy life. Your no longer trying to control their problems and them control you, your health, happiness and life. Start with doing something for yourself, something you enjoy. Go to Al-anon meetings. You will learn the 3 C's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. You will find others who are in your same situation and get support. When my son first started with drug use I spent a long time trying to figure out if it was a drug problem or a mental illness, I went to see a counselor told him the things my son does and ask him what he thought was wrong with him. He explained to me that it didn't matter whether it was drugs or mental illness, as long as I was there enabling and never letting my son face consequences then if it was mental illness he wouldn't get help and take medications and if it was drugs he wouldn't seek treatment to stop. Wish I would have listened, my son ended up a heroin addict and it all started with marjuana. There's an article on here about detaching but I don't know how to share it, maybe someone else will soon. Keep posting here, this site has been so helpful for me and many others. I'm sorry for your hurting heart.
Wow thanks so much ,
First you set your boundaries, and you guard them fiercely. When they try to break them, you tell them that you love them, but the answer is no.
I love my son, J, more than anything in the world. He is a recovering meth addict. He still smokes weed here and there, but he hasn't used meth in almost a year. When he went to rehab last summer, I had to make a lot of changes. Part of that was where my boundaries were. I sat down with my husband and we discussed the things that were absolutely not acceptable, and the things we could live with. We became a united front. When J got back from rehab, we sat down with him and told him where the new boundaries were and had him sign a paper that listed the new rules.
Every once in a while he will try to push it, but I have learned to calmly tell him no. For the most part he's been doing really well, but like some teenagers, he still needs to be directed and redirected. He's having a difficult time launching into adulthood.
J has a hard time with depression and tends to be on the negative side of things. I have a hard time with depression too, and can only listen to him for short periods of time. So I do. I'll sit and listen to him for about 5 or 10 minutes, and then I'll tell him I need to take a shower or go run an errand. I always tell him that I love him, and I always try to encourage all the positive movement his does. Sometimes, though, when he is especially emotional, I have to give in and listen to him for an hour or two.
Some people have to detach all the way and some are able to partially detach. J is my only blood family I have left close to me, so I don't think I could ever completely detach.
Detachment is hard...no two ways about it. However, practice make perfect.
So he smokes pot how does that make you feel , I say it's so much better than. Meth but I'm sure people would disagree with my thoughts on it ,
Scent of Cedar posted this for us this morning and I found it informative and helpful.
Here's the article on detachment:
Weed has become a complicated thing and is one of those substances that seems to be a welcomed thing in the history of my family. I personally do not use it, and it's not allowed on my property. J still lives at home, and I only let him smoke cigarettes outside on the back patio. I bought an industrial type ashtray, and he is required to use it, and does. I've even seen him get after his friends for not using it. No one else in my immediate family, including myself, smokes, and smoking is not allowed in my house.
The main reason J likes weed is because he has ADHD. He says it slows his brain down and makes him feel normal. He says it calms his anxiety like nothing else has. He contends that it is safer than any anti-anxiety medication, and since it has become "legal" in a few states, the federal government will eventually allow it to become legal in all states. He claims that nearly anyone can obtain a medical marijuana card fairly easily. However, he doesn't like the restrictions that accompany the card, so has decided to hold off on getting one.
Personally, weed doesn't bother me. I think it makes people lazy and can either cause depression or enable it. I'm a live and let live person for the most part. As long as you are doing your part and not in my face, I'm good. That said, if you cross my boundaries, or don't meet your commitments and you're living under my roof, then we're going to be talking.
I ask this because my son had adhd and he says the same thing I don't condone it and I don't like it around me and I used to fight about it all the time , but I understand the why he does it, but I'm learning to accept it its reLly his choice now .. How old is he
J is 20.
Mine. Is a 19 I just dropped him off with a friend my hunch is there going had a drink I'm trying so hard right now to detach I'm trying to try another approach of letting him find out , I'm screaming inside but I must let him make his own decisionsdecisions
I know a lot of adults who smoke weed regularly and are still able to lead productive lives, but then again I know a few adults who smoke regularly and are not so able. Every person is different. I don't know that I would have a problem with my own son smoking pot if the rest of his world wasn't crumbling all around him. If I didn't see it effecting and ruining the rest of his life (and mine!). With him, I worry about it leading to other, worse things.
I think, like alcohol, if used in moderation it's not a horrible thing and I do know that it can help many people with different medical ailments. It's just that line that has gotten blurred. Because of legalization in all the different forms in different states, it has become so mainstream and something that youth are really embracing - too much. It's in the music, the media, their clothing, cell phone cases, and on and on. I think if you saw kids wearing socks with vodka bottles on them, we would be concerned, more than we are by seeing them with clothes with pot leaves. It is the same thing. I hate to be that person (like my own parents) saying that the music is influencing kids and giving kids the wrong idea, but I sort of think it's true. It's just everywhere, making it so hard to fight. There seems to be no other way. It's the lifestyle. I think that's what I object to, not so much marijuana in and of itself. I don't know how we as a society get away from it or control it.
I'm just so glad I have this place to rant. Thanks
Me too do you think at 19 he should be held accountable for own actions
I think that at 19 or at 15 (like my son), they need to be held accountable for their own decisions. I think that no matter how old they are, we as mothers want to do whatever we can to help them, to shield them from anything bad. But, we can't control their decisions. They have "hit bottom" themselves before they will stop, before they will change. I think that accepting that and detaching is so much harder than any other aspect of mothering that we have ever had to do. We are all in the same boat here, but we are so lucky to have each other for support.
Xo thus is true , parenting do over rated
Read the book, "The Dance of Anger," By Harriet Lerner. There is a chapter toward the end that describes your situation (and mine), and it has helped me finally understand that I am at fault for bailing my son out. I feel your pain.
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