difficult child and friends??

[Kjs]

difficult child has had few friends. Just not mature enough to keep them, or else they don't do things the way HE wants and they fight.
All Easter Break he has been doing nothing but sitting on the computer. Yesterday he asked if Two kids could come over. One, has been here before, no problems. But that boy was at anothers house, so he asked if BOTH could come. I asked if he would be ok with two, he asured me it would be ok.
WELL.... These are 7th grade boys. difficult child has an airsoft gun (shoots plastic BB's) he has a target (fenced in yard) and that is all he is allowed to shoot at. Silly me, took the dogs for a walk and left them alone. They were outside with the gun, and I reminded them no shooting each other. Two of the boys were in my garage, (we have an attached storage shed). One of the bigger boys, (very big) was going to drag the wagon out. I told him you are a bit to big for that. Then the garage doors were shut. Several hours later difficult child came in. Looked as if he was crying but insisted he was not. The other's left.
I went to the garage....The ladder was out, meaning they were in the rafters. They took down a plastic pole and broke it in a million pieces all over the yard. A pile of rocks in the garage by the door. (leads me to believe they were throwing them at difficult child). Went into the storage room... (I had purchased a washing machine from a friend who had to move. It is only two years old, and ours has been making a funny noise and is old) Anywho..the front of that new washer was off, laying on the ground, leaving the inner barrel and electricals exposed. We have a wooden playset with a fort and slide (from when he was younger) The slide was bent in half..unfixable. I went in and blew up at difficult child. He is responsible for his friends and HOW could he let them destroy our property. He insisted he didn't know. Yeah right. Then looking at difficult child he had a round..BB size blister/cut on his chin. Swallen up. He said they shot him.. IN THE FACE!!! Then I came to the computer. I had an older keyboard, and mouse with a wheel. WELL.. the mouse was on the floor across the room, in peices. The surge protector, Large one where each component plugs into with it's own on/off switch was cracked with a piece of that laying on the floor. The closet doors in this room were off the runners!!!! husband and I lost it. difficult child said he was running away. husband said GO!! Then stopped him, ans difficult child said to "mind our own Fricken Business!!!"
Thought husband was going to really lose it.
I left and went for a really long walk. I was so mad, I wanted to call these kids parents, but decided not to. difficult child wants friends so bad he just lets them do anything. Then these kids just leave like nothing happened. I sure hope that washer works.
Today will be more homework...that will be an all day struggle. I am so upset to think kids would do that. WHY?? I just don't understand.

 

[Kjs]

Need also to mention that difficult child was the saddest I have seen him, maybe ever last night. psychiatrist said to stop the lexapro, as remeron has taken it's place. However difficult child asked for lexapro last night. We also just stopped cold turkey last week. psychiatrist didn't say to slowly go off.
Another medication question. I know that Lamictal and Topomax say can have loss of concentration. difficult child tells me, and has been telling me that he just can't stay focused at school. Is this a side affect? He has asked for adderall, but he asked for that because he wants to lose weight. From what I understand that medication, helps you concentrate. But we have always been told he does not have ADD/ADHD. Would that cause more problems?

 

[Marguerite]

While it is understandable to make our kids responsible for their friends' behaviour, I do think t hat especially when our kids are deficient in social skills this is simply too harsh and unworkable.

difficult child wants friends really badly. These kids were a pair, and three is a bad number, especially when one is a vulnerable difficult child with poor social skills. Sounds like these two boys walked right over him and trashed his space deliberately.

I WOULD be calling the parents, and I WOULDN'T be too hard on difficult child. I WOULD use it as a reason in the future to not only prevent more than one visitor at a time, but to also insist on staying to supervise. You got caught unawares this time, but I wouldn't let myself be caught again.

He IS only 12, and an immature 12 at that. Go easy on him. What he's been through is probably worse than you realise and is certainly punishment enough, if punishment is even called for. He's been physically attacked, which is illegal. That's just for a start; then there's the vandalism to your property - if difficult child were the type to do this, he wouldn't need friends around to vandalise your and his property.

difficult child 1 had 'friends' like this, including one boy from a very good home with whom he had been firm friends for some time. Then this boy, anxious to get in good with another group of 'friends', set up difficult child 1 very nastily. About the same age as your boy, too.

I think your son needs your support right now, not your anger (directed at him). And also, by supporting him you're more likely to find out more details about what really happened - very important, I feel.

Marg

 

[timer lady]

I completely understand. Both kt & wm want friends in the worst way & in turn end up with some of the worst friends.

Neither of them need a difficult child as a best friend. A couple of the hardest concepts for my difficult children to understand is not caving to negative choices & that you can't buy friendship.

kt & wm are taken advantage of a great deal by their "best friends".

On top of that, the very learning/treatment environment they are in surrounds them by other difficult children with some of the same or worse issues.

I'm sorry that your difficult child is so very easily swayed & so sad this morning.

 

[jbrain]

Hi,
what a terrible day for all of you. I agree with Marg though--I think difficult child needs your support and understanding and to know that you will stand up for him, you will protect him. I certainly would call these boys' parents--nothing may come of it but they need to know what they did. If it was my son who went to someone else's home to play and behaved in that way I would sure want to know.

I do understand your anger at difficult child but I too think he is so young--these two boys must have walked all over him, I doubt he had any control over what they did at all. How in the world could he stop them?

So sorry,
Jane

 

[smallworld]

I'm sorry you and difficult child had such a bad day. I strongly believe your difficult child is not mature enough to be left alone with friends, particularly if you don't know the friends well. I only leave my nearly 14-year-old son alone with a friend if I know the friend well (and trust the boys will not do anything foolish) and if I tell the friend's mother I will be leaving the boys alone and ask if it is OK with her.

I also think you should take the airsoft gun away from your difficult child for good. Even though it shoots plastic BBs, it can still be dangerous and cause a tragedy. My nephew, at age 11, was accidentally shot by a friend with a real BB and lost the sight in one eye. I'm sure you wouldn't want anything like that to happen to your difficult child or one of his friends.

 

[DammitJanet]

I wouldnt have left the boys alone. Its asking for trouble to leave boys that age unsupervised especially stuff to get into. Its not your sons fault the others ran roughshod over him.

Well I guess I have to qualify my above statement because it would really depend on if you know the kids well. My two older kids could be left with their friends who I knew well and nothing would happen. Jamie often went to his best friends house after school when no one was home and they never tore up anything. They knew better.

 

[guest3]

Sadly my difficult child II has few friends and the ones he has enjoy pushing his buttons. The neighbor next door is terrified of my difficult child II, after he threatened him with a bat. And we literally have to keep difficult child II in house so he doesn't do this to anyone else, but difficult child II sneaks out and is gone for hours, and also goes to a store a few blocks away without permission, difficult child II is only 10