difficult child can't just and something over

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Jan 2, 2012.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He always has to throw it. Whether it's the remote, cell phone, keys, etc... he throws it. Most of the time it's not like he is trying to be mean but people at times get hurt and things get broken. No amount of reminding helps. Even when I remind him right before I ask for something 9 out of 10 times he will still throw it.

    Anyone else deal with this?

    I've decided every time he does this he is going to take a 10 minute time out (which believe it or not is torture in his mind). If he refuses to comply he is losing all computer privileges.

    I know this is minor in the scheme of things but can you tell this just happened? Argh!!
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Not minor really....it is those things that happen over and over and over that can make me the craziest. Q stomps up stairs and across floors. He gives high fives too hard. etc.

    He used to always hug too hard and still does go in too hard at times. Partly it is sensory and not realizing consequences. Partly it is a habit I think, just MHO with Q. The hug thing is the first on my list we have tackled because he actually knocked my aunt who is in her 80's over and he LOVES her so much.

    We wrote a social story about it. He has read it many times when nothing related to hugging is being done. appropriate hugs are in the green zone (remember our zones etc... we still do that) so now when we go to do that I can say stay green. Everyone in every setting who knows about it gives the same cue. this past two weeks after months of working on this he is telling me he wants to give me a gentle hug.... or if I involuntarily brace myself, he will say...dont do that mom, I am in the green zone..lol.

    The stomping and deep pressure stuff....that will take more I fear.... but it sure does drive me nuts which I am sure makes it happen more, wink.
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Just wondering...
    When did you become a Brit?

    (apostrophe added...)

  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Lol-I noticed the mistake too late and decided to leave it:)

    Buddy-You are right the stuff that happens over and over again does drive us crazy.
  6. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    If WO had really been Cockney Brit it would have been "carn't jest 'and sumfink ova". So now you know :)
    J also throws rather than gives... Strange. Part of the ADHD terrain?
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Not "necessarily" part of ADHD - as in, none of the 4 of us with ADHD are that way, nor is that trait evident in my ADHD-laden family tree...

    But... it "could" be related to some of the executive function deficits... which often go with ADHD but not always...

    Dog trainer spin... maybe the "thrill" of the "toss" is more intrinsic positive reward, than any rewards for other means of hand-off? In which case, up the ante on the "proper" methods... consistently. Make it worth more to him to "hand" than to "toss".????? Just an idea.
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Habits like this can be amazingly annoying. I wish I could help, because it is stuff like that and not having the cap on the toothpaste (IF the little darlings actually OPEN the toothpart of their bodies to apply said toothpaste) are the things that end marriages. So if you have to help him stop, then it is a good ideal.

    Have you considered getting some type of ball and take difficult child to a place where he won't bother anyone and then have him throw that ball NONSTOP for a period of time. I would use 1 min or unwanted activity for every year he is old. The things that kids LOVE to do sometimes are just plain unfun when Mom/Dad MAKES you do it nonstop for a few min. I learned it from a Montessori teacher will always remember how SHOCKED we were when it got Wz to stop jumping up and down on the beds.

    Just a thought.
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    It won't help to tell you Matt still does this. It is like throwing an object gives him some sort of upper hand in his universal power. Hugs.
  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Wondering if having him take a "do-over" IMMEDIATELY each time this happens would help in the training (besides the time-out)? A sort of instant correction? It will require a lot of work on your part, but if it's a habit you need him to break it may take that extra effort.
  11. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Several of the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) type interventions are like this too. If he needs to spit, then great! He can spit until a cup is full (a little bathroom one) or he can do it 30 times in a toilet, etc. The throwing idea could actually cover if it is a sensory thing too. he could work on different degrees of throwing, hard, medium, soft, etc. Then in the moment the do-over has to happen too... all activity stops period if he refuses???

  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Malika-Good to know what I really would have said had I really been a Brit:)

    Insane-Interesting thought on the executive function part.

    Susie-Love that line of thinking; I used to do stuff like that when difficult child was little, maybe it is time to try again!

    Steely-At least I know I'm not alone.

    GvcMom-A do-over sounds good too.
  13. zaftigmama

    zaftigmama New Member

    The throwing thing sounds like poor impulse control to me, which is pretty common with most difficult children, I'd think. I know it is with mine!
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sharon, you know I have always been a thrower. And a wall puncher. This is only when I am furious. Its related to mood disorder. When my moods are stable I am fine. As we know right now, not so much..lol. I do like the idea of the throwing in the yard over and over.

    For me, it was absolutely instinctual in the moment. I dont have that second to think. If I can stop for a second I wont throw. If it is something that is going to cost me a lot to replace, I dont throw. I certainly wouldnt throw my computer or my cell phone. Dishes, bottles, glasses, remotes (not the cable or dish ones), things like that...all can go flying. I think the worse thing I have done that cost money was I tore up a pair of eye glasses one time. I have gotten mad, closed my computer and set it down while growling at it...lol. But I know if I ever tore it up I couldnt replace it.

    Maybe try to explain to him when he is calm that these things cost money and if they are damaged he will have to pay for them out of his own money. Show him how to pass them calmly and tell him if he is mad, he can throw other safe items. Give him good items to throw. Old soda cans with rocks in them that he can throw outside or soft stuffed animals inside and keep them all around the house so he can get to them easily. Dont punish him if he throws the stuffed animals but after he throws them see if he can talk to you about why he felt the need to throw.

    Thats my theory.
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Janet - actually what you are saying is what has helped for Matt too. While in Dallas I remodeled the kitchen. He knew how important all of that was to me, and he never slammed a cabinet door or smashed anything in that kitchen after that. Now here in Portland he has a "do-over" so to speak with new walls, etc., (haha) - and again - he has reigned in his anger really well. I think he does not want to destroy things that have meaning now. However, if things get really over the top, he will slam the side of his hand into a wall, not to punch a hole, but I guess to relieve tension? I don't know, I can just see the bruises. WipedOut - I always saw it more as of relieving the pressure inside his brain - kinda like Janet said. I have had doctors suggest having him throw balls, or give him a punching bag to punch - and it only made it worse. In fact to this day, I will ask him if he wants a punching bag - and he says no - that only makes me want to hit more.
  16. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    tension reliever... ever seen those spring-loaded grip-exercisers? you can squeese it a thousand times, and all you get is... a sore hand, or a stronger hand, or both...

    Stress/anxiety balls don't work... difficult children pop them within 2 minutes!
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Buddy-I'll have to try that when he starts spitting next time.

    zmama-Poor impulse definitely explains my difficult child but this is more than that because even when we ask him and he holds it there for a bit he will still throw it.

    DJ-Good ideas for when he is mad (he definitely throws then). This happens though even when he isn't mad which is soooo frustrating too.

    Steely-Yep difficult child is like when he is upset too.

    Insane-The stress balls he throws, knocks something over and breaks it. Sigh...
  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    It is so weird because I was just talking to Matt on the phone when he melted down and started talking about this subject. He was hyperventilating, and raging, and he kept talking about how all he wanted to do was throw something or hit something/someone - then he said but I can't do that anymore. I am not that person. Then he said but that puts all the anger inside of me, and it makes me want to kill myself or cut myself - but I am not that person either. So, he said, all I can now when I feel all these emotions is is sit here and rage and cry and then I hyperventilate and feel like I am going to have a heart attack - and it is so hard - the hardest thing I have ever had to do - this containing of my emotions.

    I guess Matt's frontal lobe is finally being able to lasso in the impulses, but the intense feelings are still there. I thought it was very interesting in retrospect - because up until a year ago he would have gone ballistic with that type of intense emotion. I guess in a way it is also kind of sad, because I am not sure these intense feelings ever go away for these kids - they just learns how to not to act on them.
  19. buddy

    buddy New Member

    wow steely, maybe he is at a place that a punching bag or something like that would be productive. I would never do that right now, but my son would not stop with the punching bag.... I am hoping for that frontal lobe development too .... not that it will be perfect of course but that it will improve! That gives me hope.
  20. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    No -- he still can't even go into the realm of hitting anything or he loses control. Even a safe thing like a pillow or punching bag....he still wants nothing to do with, because it just fuels the fire in his head the wrong direction.