difficult child comeing home for a visit (Updated)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Ally, Mar 4, 2007.

  1. Ally

    Ally New Member

    She is coming home for a visit this afternoon for about 5 hrs. It will be the first time she has been home since Christmas, which was an absolute nightmare!! Im a bit concerned that its going to turn into a gong show and she is going to try and run on me (on probation with curfews) or start something. I told my little guy that she was coming home today and he said "Oh difficult child's mad, she cry". Apparently the episode at Christmas hasnt quite worn off him yet.

    Please keep your fingers crossed for a good visit and no conflict.

  2. Getting happier

    Getting happier New Member

    I am saying prayers about the visit. Try listening a lot and talking a little, like only when necessary. My visits with difficult child went better that way.
  3. Ally

    Ally New Member

    Thanks. I have a feeling that Im going to need all the luck that I can. She tends to flare when stressed and this Im sure is stressing her.
  4. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    Prayers being said for a good visit. Update when you can.
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Good luck, Ally. Those home visits were very stressful as I recall. You have my sympathies. We tried to have activities lined up for as much of the time as possible. It seemed that the busier we were the better.

    Fingers crossed!

  6. Ally

    Ally New Member

    Well its going OK so far. Trying very hard to steer clear of subjects that she tries to bait me with. Why do they feel the need to do that??
  7. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Hi, Ally ~

    Just wanted you to know I was here waiting with the others of us.

    Keeping fingers crossed that all goes well, and your difficult child finds some comfort from being with you at home again.

    It IS scary when they come home.

    It's even scarier for them, I think.

    I hope your visit goes really well this time, Ally.

  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Can't wait to hear how it went. Hopefully a lot smoother then you were anticipating. Let us know!!
  9. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    Sending positive thoughts your way Ally, that the visit is going smoothly....can't wait to hear how it went so I can file away some handy tips for when or if my Jess visits...

  10. Ally

    Ally New Member

    The visit was successful!!! There were a couple of moments of course, but overall it was great!!

    Next time (I cant believe that Im saying that) maybe we will try an overnight although it kind of scares me. She was telling me that she wants to see her friends (the ones that she got into trouble with) next time she comes home, so that could prove to be rather difficult, but I guess we will give it a try.

    Thanks for all the good vibes

  11. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I guess we will give it a try.


    OMG, NO!

    Ally, please don't even consider this. Home visits are to re-establish family ties. They certainly aren't to re-establish ties with bad influences.

    I'm delighted that you had a great visit. I would strongly urge you to have a few more day visits before you contemplate an overnight and when you do, I would schedule the heck out of every minute so that she doesn't spend any time with old troublemaker friends.

  12. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    Suz is right, Ally.

    If you can look at this time as your time to learn how to say no to difficult child's demands, and as a time for difficult child to learn correct priorities, the experience will be a more positive one for both of you, I think. difficult child will bargain with you, manipulate you and the situation, if she can. She would love to re-establish those ties with her old friends. That way, she can count the days until she can pick up her old life and habits, again.

    The other thing I would ask you to think about is that now is the time when it is safe for YOU to bring up old issues. Try to see difficult child's home visits as rehearsals for when difficult child comes home for good. You will expect that the rules you have set up for her will be obeyed. Let the conflict come now, while she is in a safe place for those issues to be addressed.

    Use this time while difficult child is away to plan how you want your family to function when she returns Ally, and face every issue head on BEFORE difficult child is released.

    When there was trouble in our family, I took that message that I had created the situation so much to heart that I could not stand up as a parent. The kids, especially when they are in trouble, need us to be strong. Looking back on it now, that is the problem with bad treatment centers ~ they destroy the parent's belief in his or her own capacity to parent correctly, and the troubled child is left lurching from pillar to post. Kids need strong guidelines. If you were driving across a very long, very high bridge without guardrails, you would be frightened. Same thing with the kids, I think. They have gone a way we never expected and so, we find ourselves without a clue as to how to cope, how to help them.

    Try to set up that clear path for your daughter now Ally, before she comes home.

    And this time, you have the Board to help you know which way to go, and to give you strength when you just aren't sure anymore.

  13. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am glad the visit went well. one thing at a time.

    when ant first got home here after two yrs, the first thing he wanted to do was see two old friends. neither a good influence.

    he did. but then again, ant is 23 yrs old. I think ant was able to see how sick his friends still are and was not interested in keeping up a relationship with them. I kept out of it and was glad he chose on his own not to keep up the contact.

    if you ban her from seeing these old friends she may rebel and do it underground. I would tend to invite them to dinner and a controlled visit if you go that route.
  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm glad it went well, but I would definatley nix the seeing the bad influence girlfriend when home on a family visit. If she doesn't like it, then tell her she can't visit. You will hate yourself if something goes wrong while she's home visiting you.
  15. Ally

    Ally New Member

    Thanks for the advice. Id rather keep her away from these people and certainly dont want them in my home in fear of them scoping it out when they are here to break into later. I do agree that if I keep her from them that she may run to them anyways, but she is certainly not stable enough and enough of a follower that if one of them suggested that they do something that she would follow along just to keep their friendship. Thats part of the thing with her, she will do anything, no matter how detrimental to herself or those around her, to be accepted. She doesnt see that what these people are doing is wrong or not acceptable, in her warped little way, she thinks its ok and finds a way to convince herself of that.

    She is only in this program until the end of May and then the fun will start again. She has all these grandiose ideas of what she is going to do afterwards, baring the fact that she has to go back to court for breaches of her probation on Monday (she thinks that her lawyer is going to get her off, which in my opinion is just teaching her that she can get away with stuff) and that her probation isnt supposed to be over until the end of July. She is totally unrealistic but I guess will have to figure that out in her own time.