difficult child does it again.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Abbey, May 1, 2008.

  1. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    J has been on the 'straight' life for longer than ever for many, many years. Well...he screwed up. He got fired for a GOOD job because he had issues with his boss. They evidently had some shouting match and he was fired on the spot. He can't learn to keep his mouth SHUT!!

    So, he calls saything they don't have any food. I told husband...time to learn life lessons. But, as I'm at work today, husband sends online $100 worth of groceries to him. Now, I suppose an outside observer would say this is good. But, after years of going through this heck, I'd say it's time for him to pay the price for his attitude. Go get two more jobs. Maybe three. Get your buttocks out there, take the bus, walk, bike, whatever. It's called working hard.

    I've never asked my parents for a dime even when I screwed up. You've got to learn that you will have many bosses that you don't like and are jerks, but if you want a paycheck, you shut up and do your job. But, J thinks he's the king of the universe. (He's sadly mistaken.)

    Argh. I don't know who I am most upset with whether it be John or husband. STOP RESCUING HIM! He's flipping 24.

    Can someone send me a Xanax or something online?

  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sorry, no xanax, but I have double chocolate brownies and hugs! Will that help?
  3. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I'll send you a virtual xanax. My difficult child has the same "issue" with working. Her mouth! It too has gotten her fired more than one time. The one thing we are fortunate about is that she does not call us for food and it has been the rare occasion she asked for money. Shame on your husband! Hunger could be a great motivator! I know it's very difficult as a parent to know your child is hungry
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    And they call women the weaker sex. :sheepish:

    Yep, nothing like hunger to help digest those life lessons fast. But it took me many years to get mother in law to see that as far as husband was concerned. Her intentions were good. She didn't want the kids to go without. But husband used her intentions to his advantage without an ounce of guilt.

    You know, I'd have gone hungry before asking my Mom for anything. And I did, many many times.

  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I do understand your wanting J to stand on his own two feet and to suffer the consequences of his actions. I also understand your husband's need to help him. At least it was online groceries rather than sending him cash.

    What would happen if husband didn't send the food? Jobs are hard to find right now. Wouldn't J more than likely go back to old ways if he were hungry? So, which alternative is better -- back to drugs and jail or feeding him?

    It is a shame he opened his mouth but not surprising. He's never really worked from what I can tell. He has no concept of life without jail or prison to protect him (boy, does that sound strange -- protection while incarcerated). He mouths off in prison, he spends a few days in isolation but he still is housed, fed and clothed. The real world doesn't work like that. It may take him a few tries before he gets that concept.
  6. Blondie

    Blondie New Member

    Good grief Abbey.

    Same ol, same ol, huh?

    Hmmm seems to me this is the same sack of stuff that you were telling me um, eleven (!!) years ago I should stop doing with RK? Or was that Mamabear? Don't remember, sorry (senior moment).

    But yeah. Your dear husband is still in "bail out" mode. And frankly, he might always be in some respect or another.

    My husband is with the girls. I just wanna smack him re. the MiaKid sometimes, but she's y'know, his baby and all. *insert puking face*

    on the other hand, it is only groceries, right? It's not a new-ish car and insurance and monthly rent and gasoline and groceries and all medical for J, right? Plus all tuition, books, and University fees?(Oh, yes we are. Let's not go there! hah grrr)

    I think your husband has made progress. And truly, J must have too. Now if we can all just supress the "RESCUE!!" gene a wee bit more. ~sigh~


    Blondie, ever so sympathetic
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Same ol' is correct.

    Now, I do give J some credit. He has made more progress this time than any other. But, darn dude...you've got to learn to take some pain and stand on your own two feet. Right now I'm worrying about paying my utility bill, but do I call my mom and ask for money? Heck no! I take some crappy DJ job for 3 year olds who are 'graduating' from the local temple. I'm doing the darn job for $100 and it will NOT be fun. (Got to figure out what I'm going to play.:confused:)

    I talked to him yesterday and tried to reinforce the fact that sometimes you just have to put on the happy face even when it's a really bad day/week/month/year for you, for whatever reason. Shoot...my father was having his 3 quintuple heart bypass, mom has advanced breast cancer, I've got a kid in prison, yet I went into my job every day with a smile on my face while I was completely hurting and scared inside. You do what you have to do.

    (Stepping down from my ranting chair.)


  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Okay -

    So call J in about 3 weeks and tell him you are DYING for Taco bell and ask him to go get you a $100 gift card or you will croak.

    Maybe - today was a day that your husband just needed to do something that didn't make sense to anyone else but him.

    Call it non-sensical parental anti-starvation interference and try to let it go. I have to agree with the on-line not cash thing. I mean - that was a good move.

    And while if for 1000 years I could live and do nothing but observe men - I would never understand them. I cant' I'm a chick - and chicks would do it differently -for if we all did it the same and it made sense we would have nothing to argue and make up over.

    I think if he calls again - you should tell husband to tell J where the food stamp office is.

  9. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I'd take Taco Bell right now at 9am. Ok...I'm addicted.

  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    IT is frustrating to understand how their minds work. Mine lost his last job because he decided he had to go sell his books back to the school that day and when he got there, they wouldn't buy them back. So the $200 from books was not there and neither was the job!
  11. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Hope dies hard (for your husband) and sometimes not at all..... Sorry that J just can't pull it together.....neither can my "J"....... Groceries will soon be gone so is husband providing dessert too? Thinking I would be changing husband phone number.....
  12. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Thank you for all your replies. :)

    I just want J to understand the complexities of life. Sometimes it's easy...but many times it's really hard and you have to step up to the plate and do whatever is necessary.

    I think husband feels somewhat guilty about all the years of struggle with J, so he does this to help his own mind. I understand that, but at some point he's got to learn to stand on his own two feet. Heck, we have 3 other children who have never asked for a dime. Actually, the oldest did complain that he couldn't pay his car insurance years ago. My response? Don't drive until you can. A car is a privalege. Could I have sent him the money? Yep, but he learned that he needed to work a bit harder to have that privalege.

  13. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    So sorry you and husband are not on the same page Abbey. I do understand your husband though. It is so hard sometimes deciding what is enabling and what is just good old help. I was recently confrounted with this question yet again when difficult child was at his forth place in three weeks broke and trying to get a job but unable to give a stable address. I knew he had a parole review comming up but that is not why I decided to help hlim out. I helped him because I didn't want him to end up on the streets and off his medications and maybe hurt himself or someone else. So I paid for three weeks rent in a sober house. That would bring him right up to the day of his probation review. I arranged for difficult child to meet husband assuming that husband would know not to give such a large sum of cash directly to difficult child. I could not go myself since was taking care of a sick friend out of state. My husband met difficult child at a McD's and handed over the cash to difficult child instead of going and paying the house owner himself. I was livid with husband and I was so scared that difficult child would not use the money the way it was intended. I told husband that he might well have given our son the means to kill himself. I was so upset I didn't talk to my husband for a week because I knew I wouldn't be able to control what I would say. I prayed for difficult child everyday until I found out that difficult child had done the right thing had paid the rent upfrount and was looking for a job. difficult child did get a job and he did pay for the next week's rent. His PO decided to go through with the court review on the parole case anyway. She did ask me the day before the hearing if I thought she should ammend her petition or if she would just end up doing it again in a few weeks. I told her I didn't know the answer to that and that I could not give any guarantees on difficult child's future performance but that at this time he did have a job and he was in a sober home. The PO decided to go through with her original plan and difficult child was sent to Jail to await a residential program. I do not regret the help I gave him with the rent because it gave difficult child an opportunity to work on one thing at a time and he earned a small taste of success. When his PO found out I had paid for the three weeks she asked me "Isn't that enabling?". I told her that some people might think so but that I didn't. I also tole her that I agonize over every decision I make concerning my difficult child and never move foward with help unless I truly think there is a very good reason to intervene. My son was in a very difficult situation and without the stable housing might well have gone into another downward spiral of depression and self harm. We avoided that and he had a small success instead.

    In addition difficult child also proved to us that he can be trusted to do the right thing sometimes. Now we just have to figure out how to recognize those sometimes. LOL
  14. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    That is so true -- that it is difficult to recognise the fine line between enabling and good old help.

    Love, Esther
  15. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Sending hugs and virtual Xanax:faint:

    I was married to your son at age 20.........I know how hard it can be to not help them. At age 43 bio-dad/ex has learned nothing from his hard knocks except how to mooch and beg from people more effectively. Some people may never get it - but I pray our difficult children do - somehow, someway.