difficult child Fugitive and headed here.. with friends!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Rhonda, Mar 10, 2009.

  1. Rhonda

    Rhonda slightly wilted Magnolia

    Well I am in a pickle. If you have read my posts you know the background if not the short version is: My daughter ran away in October (she turned 18 and left is probably more accurate). I have not seen her since. Keep in mind, I am in CA, she ran to MS (our home town). We talk often and she did not leave in anger just that she wanted to be on her on and do as she pleased with no parental say so.

    Since then she has been on every drug u can imagine. Including crystal meth. She has been off of it since Dec. My informant told me he saw her last week and no needle tracks at all so it really has been a while. He also said she is pretty straight except for using CCC (coricitan I think) and some kind of inhalent you can get at truck stops? Great huh! She has almost been killed by one boyfriend and beaten up by others. She was caught shop lifting and skipped bail. She is now in flight. She called and asked if she could come home to CA. I told her that she had to clear up her police issues (there is a warrant out for her). Told her I loved her and would come hold her hand while she turned herself in. She said she would think about it.

    OMG... have not heard from her since last Wed and I got a text this morning saying I would be having visitor in a couple of days who would love some of my spaghetti! With smiles!!! OMG!! I called her and she and 3 of her friends are in Texas. On their way here! I am dying to see her, I love her. But I dont want her and 3 friends in my home. I am in shock. If she were my normal daughter that was in school....etc.. they would be welcome. But I don't know who she is right now, she sounds great, and happy and oh so excited to see me. She acts like she and friends are just comeing for a visit, as if that is normal. And it would be if she were out on her own with my blessings. This is so wierd.

    I am trying to handle her with unconditional love but not a single bit of enabling. I want her to know my love if greater than her sins. But I never expected her to talk 3 other kids into traveling across the nation to get her away from the police. She is a master manipulator. I am sure she has them talked into thinking CA is going to be wonderful and fun. They think they will get here and all have jobs and a pary life. OMG what about their parents, they will be worried sick if they just took off! And I bet the did. But, all of them are at least 18. ****... I thought I would be flying to MS this week to put her in jail. Now she is headed here! She can't get a job. She has no ID and the one she does have is expired. I am sure if she is wanted in MS that it would show up if she goes to get a new license. Should I call the police? Or stay out of it. Should I hide all the jewelry and money and smile and open my arms? Feed her a great dinner and send her off?

    Goodness.. what in the world is she thinking. She is not. And I don't know how to help her. She thinks she has it figured out. She is feeling great. Like being wanted by the police in MS just disapeared when she crossed the state line. I am faced with being the only one to talk to her and I am the one person she will not listen to. I have no idea how to handle this.

    Hoping for some sage advice.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    You told her what it would take for her to come back home with you - and she choose NOT to respect your wishes. Instead she once again said "Mom you're plans do not count, and I do not respect you."

    I would text her back or whatever means you have to get in touch with her and simply say "I told you what it would take for you to be able to come here with me, I offered my help to you, and you chose not to take the help on my terms. Should you come here? I will have to let the police know where you are as I will not be involved in harboring a fugitive and getting myself in trouble with the law. I love you - Mom.

    I think it's simple
    To the point
    Doesn't get all preachy
    Tells her where you stand

    And gets you out of a BUNCH of heartache that is headed your way on a jet.

    Whatever you decide - I hope you take into consideration you're not NOT putting up 3 respectable kids from college on Spring break.

  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Rhonda...........Star nailed it on the head.

    Hugs to you to be strong.

  4. gottaloveem

    gottaloveem Active Member

    I'll second that.

    This sounds like trouble just waiting to happen.
  5. Rhonda

    Rhonda slightly wilted Magnolia


    Oh yes, I know that well. I do not want any of them staying here!

    I sent her a text and told her that she needed to go back and fix her situation that running away was not helping it. I told her I loved her but that she should have discussed this with me before heading out here.

    I just received two texts from her saying this exactly:

    "I know. I want to fix this. I just need time to think. Please trust me and help me through this. These are good people Im coming with. I really feel like I am doing the right thing here."

    "Please have faith in me I just know this is right for once I felt it and Im doing what I really believe is what is best for me and those around me."

    I think this is a crock. I think she is trying to manipulate me. But, from the past I can honestly say that sometimes I think that and I am wrong. So, I always try to think "maybe" but I wont count on it. I dont know if I can call the police on her immediately. I am thinking that if she refuses to go back (I think I will offer to take her back) then I will have to do something.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm gonna play devil's advocate here, so to speak.

    I dunno if a shop lifting charge is all that serious enough for any cop where you are to give a darn about. Hard to tell as they have more serious warrents they rarely pay attention to.

    K had a charge of check fraud put against her from one of those payday loan places when she went to MO. Well, actually several. They have never pursued her where she is, and believe me when they called I made sure to tell them where she was. I know she's not lyng because I checked court records. I think after a while they gave up and dropped the charge. It's now probably hovering in limbo via bad credit companies.

    Not saying that will happen with the shop lifting. Just saying most cops aren't going to see it as a big deal.......unless the amt was sky high maybe, compared to what they usually see. Which is why I'm wondering why she is making this such a huge deal. Shoplifting is not going to get her hauled back to Ms. Cost alone would nix it.

    That said, if you need to feed her and give her that chance, make d*mn sure those 3 friends do not enter your house. Period. You offered to help her, not her friends. Since she couldn't stick to the plan, don't trust her as far as you can spit. If you do make contact keep your eyes and ears open......You know she is manipulative, be on guard against it.

    I know you want to help her. I know this is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done no matter which way you jump. You're in a no win situation. Think before you act about all pros and cons.

    I'm so sorry. I was afraid she might do this.:(

    Saying a prayer and hoping somehow this works out for the good.

  7. Rhonda

    Rhonda slightly wilted Magnolia

    Thanks tons.. I agree 100%. I am trying to get her to turn around. But I dont think it will work. Good Grief!

    I just sent her a text saying this:
    I wont help u do this. You should have included me in this decision if you wanted me to be a part of it. Turn around. This is a very bad choice.

    Dont know what else to do. I am with you Daisy, I dont think the police here will do much considering the cost to send her back.

    She is a fugitive and these kids are helping her.:whiteflag:

  8. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Wow, you and I are in very similar boats! My daughter is also on the run, warrant out for her arrest as well. I agree with Star, don't let her come home. I speak to my daughter every so often. She has stated that she wants to come home just to see me but I will not allow her to as I will not put myself or any other member of my family at risk as she is now considered a fugitive. I tell her the very same thing that Star advised you to say. I have told her that I will be here for her when she is ready to turn her life around. Until then, she is on her own, just the way she wanted it. I know it's hard. Each time I talk to my daughter it gets easier. It's actually quite empowering to gain some sort of control again.

    I'm sure you have done everything you can for her. Her choice was to leave and now she must live with the consequences of that choice. Same as my daughter! We can only do so much.

    Hang tough, you can do it! :)
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, dear, my heart is bouncing around from one place to another, reading her notes to you and your texts to her.
    Star and others have given some great advice.
    Many hugs.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with Starr and bran. Your rules or no. And the two "respectable" friends? I doubt it, but, even if they are, why should you feed them? Can't you get into trouble if the police find your daughter at your house if there is a warrant out for her arrest? Unfortunately, I know how wilely and manipulative drug users are. And even if your daughter has no needle marks on her arm, don't trust that she is clean. I never saw needle marks on my daughter. She used the soles of her feet and her buttocks. I never ever dreamed she ever used needles. Most of the time she snorted though, which is just as bad depending on the drug (like cocaine). Don't let your daughter fool you. If she wants to get help, she will come alone and on your terms and not get angry. She'll be focused on her situation and changing it, not on pleasing her two swell friends. Been there/done that/wrote the book...sadly.
  11. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Rhonda, you don't need her "friends" casing your home. If they are in the drug scene, you can bet that they will be pocketing anything they can get their hands on. I would flat out tell her that they will not be allowed in the house. If they force their way in, than that is tresspassing.

    Can you get their names? I think if you did have their names and the description of their car, you can call the police with a request to check these kids out. There is a good chance that they are "using" her to find your cash, assets, whatever. They also may have been in trouble with the law - wonder if the police would be willing to do the checks in the state they are coming from? Or, you can call the police in that state to get criminal history.

    I would text her back with, "Come alone or not at all". She will probably be angry and try to make you feel guilty, but if these friends do anything to your home, your tangled mess will be deeper. And, if one of these friends is a drug dealer, you could be in danger. Who knows if she is in debt to someone and bringing them to your home to collect?
  12. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Andy has an excellent point. It has happened here on the board more than once.

  13. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    If difficult child does make it to CA, you might consider meeting her in a very public place (police station parking lot during the day comes to mind) and talk to her about her options. Friends are not coming home, no money is being offered, no promises are being made. You could then assess what's going on with her and determine then if she's truly willing to get some help with drug issues, speak with an attorney about her legal issues, etc.

    If not, you'd have made an attempt to help.

    Hang in there. It's got to be tough for you.
  14. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    You are receiving good advice here, Rhonda. Do not let difficult child bring her friends home. These may well be dangerous people, and you do not want them knowing where you live.

    Tell your daughter NO.

    She will have to tell her friends whatever she can come up with. You do not have the resources to cope with four addicted young people. I know you love your daughter.

    I know you love her.

    Stop this now, before it goes any further.

    She CANNOT bring these people to your home or even, your city.

    Offer a bus ticket for her from where she is, now.

    If it were me, I would be very clear with her now about the length of this visit.

    We found "I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself." to be a phrase that worked for us. In this case, you will probably have to tell your daughter point blank that you will not allow her to abuse you in this way. What we found is that, whatever we said, difficult child would show up with his own agenda firmly in mind. We needed to learn to have our responses thought out ahead of time.

    I think this will be helpful for you to do, now.

    You have more power in this situation than you realize, Rhonda.

    Use it.

    Make your expectations very clear to your daughter. You can always loosen up later. As difficult as it will be to dash her hopes now, it will be a thousand times more difficult to regain the upper hand if she shows up with three footloose problem children looking for a comfy place to settle in.

    The parents on this site have been through so many horrific experiences, Rhonda. Believe me, you do not want your daughter cruising in with three addicted friends.

    I am sorry to sound so harsh.

    And I am sorry for your pain. I remember how I hoped and believed and prayed and tried to pretend what was happening to us was somehow acceptable on some level. But it never was. It was a nightmare.

    There is something in a mother that refuses to see, that chooses to love and to believe in.

    Continue posting, whatever you decide to do and however it works out.

    We have been where you are, now.

    We can share our experiences as you begin walking this path with your daughter.

  15. Rhonda

    Rhonda slightly wilted Magnolia

    UPDATE! After telling her I would not help her she did not reply to me. I called once and she did not answer.

    I have located the local shelters that are the safest and have their numbers and some good recommendations from a very nice lady at the outreach program.

    As far as worrying about the kids with her. None of them are drug dealers (yet) they are all from a little town in MS and probably as worthless as her at the moment. I am sure that it was my difficult child that manipulated them not the other way around. She has been trying to talk someone in to bringing her out her for a few weeks. She may be trying to case the joint! All of these kids have parents that have no idea they are even gone if I am right. Unfortunately they are all 18 or older. I know that at least one was a senior in high school. I am writing out the address to the shelter on four sheets of paper to give to all four kids. I am not letting them stay in my home. I have told her 3 times now to turn around and go back that I will not help her.

    The last I herd from her was while I was typing this. She text me this: "Can we at least rest a little at the house when we get there? And you and I can take the dogs for a walk and talk about it?"
    My Response:"When do you expect to be here? Showing up with 3 friends without prior discussion is not OK. Call me when you are alone to talk. "

    S.O. and I discussed this and he wants to meet these kids before we make a choice to feed them a dinner (here or out somewhere or not at all). I completely agree with everyone out here and I am very skeptical of her and her intentions. But, remember, this is the very 1st time she has even asked to talk about trying to turn her life around. I dont have all of the failures to rely on yet. I haven't been through trying to help and it failing over and over since she left. This is my first opportunity to even see if I think she might possibly want to change her life. I want to see if I at least think she has reached a turning point. I don't hold out any hopes (well only the tiniest). I am putting my plan down on paper so that I know how to handle it.

    I will put it out here so you can blast it if it needs it! I want to try to do it right (if that is possible). I want to protect myself while offering what I can without enabling her.

    So far this is where I am:
    1 Offer to walk with her and her friends can sit in the car or go the other direction.
    2 Hear her out....this is where she will try to blow sunshine up my rear and I will smile and say "honey that is such a good idea"
    3 I will then tell her that I have talked to "list of shelters" and tell her which one sounded the best. I will offer to drive to the place and let her ride with me and her friends follow or she can ride with them or they can go it alone.
    4 I will offer to continue to come to her each day where she is so that we can try to figure out what help I could possibly be to her but more importantly to see if she is ready to accept help (eagle eye mom-detective on the job). Although I dont see what I can do except hold her hand while she is brave enough to start fixing things. And of course love her if she will let me, sometimes this part is quite hard for our kids.

    Well that is it. I dont want to do a contract or anything like that unless she actually wants to come live at home.. I dont think she will ever do that again, but even if she does, keep in mind that will be a long way off. She has the police in MS to deal with before that could ever happen.

    I will wait and see how she handles what I am offering (not much huh). I suspect she thinks I will be so happy to see her again that I will break and take her in. But she doesnt realize that I dont want her back. I would love to have my daughter from last summer back but not this one.. no way! I may want "who she becomes after some serious help" in my home...but not this untrustworthy lieing theif (who I happen to love dearly).

    So.. I know I sound pretty placid. But, so far I am. I expect to be humbled by my feelings at the sight of her lovely face (with the added piercings through her eyebrow, lip, and tounge that I have never seen). But through the tears, I will still be me. And I dont break easily. OH and I have a secret weapon..."the Parent Emeritus" gods and goddesses! She has no idea of the power I have behind me! Together we are much stronger than her lies and drugs.. I will survive with the crutch I am using.. I am not sure she will with hers.......

    Last edited: Mar 10, 2009
  16. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Rhonda, you're not in a pickle. She is the one in trouble. Please be careful! My difficult child 2 was supposed to have given up drugs but when he left here "precipitously". I went through our guest bed room and found the remnants of a white powder in a baggie. I no longer believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

    I worry that her "friends" will put you in danger. Please, please watch out. It's hard enough dealing with one's addicted child, let alone other people's difficult children. Take all precautions to protect yourself and your home. Keep us posted, it's important! I know you love her and would no doubt throw yourself under a truck to save her, but that should be your choice, not hers.

    ((((HUGS)))) for the heartbreak.
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry, Rhonda. You are rationalizing, plain and simple. Kidding yourself.

    She is scared and ran. She didn't respect what you said about fixing things before she left. Heck, she doesn't even respect the law enough to follow it. And she didn't respect you enough to include you in her thoughts/plans.

    How do you know anything about the kids she's with except from information she's told you? Have you talked to their parents? Have you met them?

    I'm sorry. There isn't one of us who doesn't understand how you feel and how much you want to make it right for her...or help her make it right.

    But you can't do it for her, you know this.

    So far she hasn't made one right decision, has she?


  18. catwoman

    catwoman New Member

    I have to agree with Suz. I know how badly you want to see her, but it's sounds dangerous to me. I think I would meet with her somewhere outside your home to talk and let her know about the shelters you've found where they can stay. I wouldn't want the 3 friends anywhere near my home. It's too risky. Stay strong, I know how hard it is.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    These "nice kids who she's manipulating" are probably dangerous drug addicts. Sorry, but that's the truth. Their parents not even knowing where they are means they have run away. My guess is they want to get inside your house to steal. Or try to sucker you into giving your daughter money that they can all use for drugs. And your daughter WILL try to snow you--she is a drug user. I hesitate to say addict, but she is probably that bad. She is acting like they do when they are dependent on drugs. I didn't find out all the **** my daughter did until she quit and told me. I was shocked. I didn't want to think MY daughter would ever snort cocaine or meth or both at the same time or try heroin a few times. I wanted to think she was just experimenting with pot a little bit or that she quit or that she just had some mental disorder that needed treatment, and that she'd be fine. She is very pretty, could melt our hearts with a stare, until we got tired of the lies and stealing and police cars at our doors. That's scary.
    I don't think you should be anywhere near those friends or let them have a clue where you live. We had a few of daughter's "friends" try to break into our house because they said she stole from them and they wanted to get their stuff back. The cops came again. It became neverending cops at our house until we finally asked her to leave because our younger two kids were terrified and, to be honest, we couldn't live that way either, even if we hadn't had the younger kids.
    If she is serious about stopping, she will stop without all the drama and without the two friends. My daughter made a strong decision to quit and there was no drama behind and she wanted to get AWAY from her "friends." Then she went to live with her straight arrow and very strict brother, got a job, walked to work, put up with being lonely, and learned how to be sober. If you're ready to do it, you start rejecting your "friends" and stop acting like a druggie.
    I am very afraid she is "playing" you and am even more afraid that her friends are hardly t he harmless small town kids you think they are. But I'm sure they can act like they're the nicest kids on earth and fool you, especially if you're looking for a reason to like them. PLEASE...be careful. My daughter's motto is: "NEVER TRUST A DRUG ADDICT! NEVER!"
  20. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    She wants you and her to take the dogs for a walk and talk? And where pray tell witll her "friends" be? Probably looking around your house for bills with account numbers on
    them and cash and keys etc. NOPE, do not alow this. If you must meet her because you have a need to see your daughter, do it at a crowded fast food joint and do not go off with alone your daughter anywhere. Stay in public and in crowded areas and use a fanny pack so she/they can't get at your purse. At this point you should be telling her it is your way or the highway. -RM