Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amazeofgrace, Jun 26, 2008.
It is always something. How frustrating, sorry for the run around you are geting from police, probation officer, etc... I hope difficult child returns safe and sound so that you can kill him-LOL!
I'm not sure what is in his best interest at this point but I wish you the best.
Did you try looking at the outgoing and incoming call history? Some of the numbers might be in there. I hope that you will find him and that he won't end up back in juvie. Why do our kids want to be thugs when we have offered them such wonderful opportunities life?
Please, don't rent space to your ex-mother in law in your head! She is the voice of failure. She's a failure and she wants you to join her in her failure. I know you understand that you have given your difficult child the best opportunities that you could. s2bx contributed, too. Now difficult child is his own person and is making his own decisions. Time for her to grow up and be her own person too, and to get out of your head. The wicked old cow.
At this point, let the natural consequences of his actions pull him into reality......didn't he tell you that he actually liked it in Juvie? Well, he's likely going back.
Mmmmmm what will dear ol mother in law say? (kidding....don't care, right and if she does say something, you can tell her that she can raise him, since she has so much to say on the subject.)
Does your cell company offer online bills? Or even old paper copies? I can get back to a lot of phone numbers that way, even if I lose them from my phone.
Keep us posted. I guess he wanted back in juvy, he's probably got a free-ride back there...
Wow, I'm sorry but like the others have said he will have to be the one to deal with the consequences. As far as your mother in law. It really does not matter what she thinks, She is not walking in your shoes and living it. I would not let her words haunt you. We all know that you cannot control another person let alone change them (Your not a jailer). People are who they are and if they choose to make bad choices you can't stop them. You have done eveything in your power to keep him on the right track along with the justice system having to intervene. You have no control over him because he makes his choices that you cannot make for him. Geeze if we as individuals had the power to control another you would be able to control your MILs choice of words but we all know that will never happen and thats ok because that is just the way it is.
I am so sorry! My heart hurts for yours. You are doing everything possible to make life work for him and he keeps throwing it back into your face.
I am sorry this has to be so hard. Do you know how to contact his girlfriend? Wonder if she knows where he is.
Stay strong - block out any distractions (that would be mother in law) - and focus on what needs to be done. You have done a great job so far, why would you stop now? You are doing your part correctly - difficult child needs to start working on his life. He needs to really decide what he wants out of life and take responsibility for his actions.
Personally, I think house arrest is a set up, especially for teens. Few succeed, even when very motivated. It is just too hard. I've advocated for youthful offenders for many years. Time and again I've seen a teen try and fail. If a child thinks that juvie is preferable to being home, then there is no way it will succeed.
Here's hoping that his PO doesn't give him what he wants and sends him back to juvie. For kids like yours, I've recommended things like Residential Treatment Center (RTC);,, juvie and work program (boy, did they hate that idea!); back to home arrest with a work program and a personal PO who would check on them daily. I'd been know to pick the kid up every day at school and take them to the local soup kitchen to work. The thing worked the best and actually sometimes turned the kid around was an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Another possibility is a youth camp. These, however, just seem to teach kids more crimes and fuel the anger.
As to your mother in law, she is a voice not worth listening to -- just remember where her parenting has taken her son. Alcohol is frequently an escape. Sometimes from the inner mind, sometimes from the outside world. It sounds like your husband had a lot to escape from being raised by that woman. Don't let her drive you in any way, shape or form. She's truly not worth it.
As for your phone, sounds like it is time to password it so that he can have no access.
Wow, it never ends does it.
Have you looked into job corps? Or some org like that for him?
Do remind him that you're not a "cool" mom but a "loving" mother and a loving mother does what is right regardless of the consequences.
If you were not a cool Mom you would not be tolorating him at all and would have given up on him a long time ago. You have gone beyond as far as doing what any loving COOL MOM would do to provide the tools and then some to help him. His bad choices are what has put him in the place he is right now, Not you (Not your choices!!) Sounds like he needs to buck up and take responsibility for what he has created for himself. The Job Corp as someone else had mentioned sure sounds like a plan. Its like hes half heartedly there (Making half a.. effort) but needs a lil more push maybe from a authority figure. Geeze, my difficult child at 19 still tells me that I am not a cool Mom when she does not get her way or if its something that I disapprove of. Yea your not cool to him because you stood your ground is all and did what you had to do. Thats is what any cool Mom should do... Lol!!! Good for you...
The system stinks!!!! I am so sorry you are going through this. I swear our kids are going to kill us!!! I am in sort of the same boat, forever waiting for the system to get it together. One doesn't know what the other is doing. Dont they get it, our time is precious as anything can happen to our children while we are WAITING on them to do their jobs.
Hang in there and God bless.
I am so sorry. I wonder how often he has done this and school has not reported it? He may have the school conned into thinking he is a "poor guy with a cruel mom who did whatever to get him punished" or whatever. I have seen our school district do this.
You are a LOVING mom, who ever wanted to be cool? When I am cool I put on a sweater. sorry, I know it hurts when our kids tell us things like that. Remember, you are doing what is right, and what he needs. We aren't here to give our kids what they want all the time. We are here to give them what they need, whether they want it or not.
Kick mother in law out of your head. She belongs in her own head, not mucking around in yours. HER success as a mother is NOT a success, as proven by your ex. You are a SUCCESS because you are doing everything you can to keep your child healthy in every way and on the right side of the law. Send her to me, or blow a raspberry every time you hear her voice in your head. Imagine her floating away on the raspberry, and you WILL get her out of your head.
I hope that whatever the court/police/probation people do about this that it helps your son. Will the court maybe order your son into an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Or job corp or whatever? I think meowbunny is right about house arrest being too hard for teens. They can just walk away (in their minds) and the only person there to stop them is family. it is just too much to expect from family, to stop a teen from walking out on his house arrest.
Anyway, I am sending YOU hugs, and a big ole burst of common sense into your difficult child's head.
Sorry- I know it is tough-been there done that. If things are like they are here, the PO and then courts would have found out anyway- unless everyone at sd and you had covered for him. If they had found out and you hadn't of reported him, it would be a strike against you and him. This way, they have to report to the judge that you are working with them and assuming you want him still placed in your home, they will more than likely trust you to make him follow the rules. If you hadn't called, they would use that at reason to not send him home sooner or at all if (when) he goes to juvy.
Oh- I do agree with the others that the punishments aren't real effective and it isn't very realistic to think these kids are going to tow the line and obey all of those rules perfectly for an extended period. If they were that self-disciplined, they could and would be living out on their own, holding down a job and paying the bills.
One more thought- I don't know if they have this there, but you could asked the PO if he can be put on a monitor.
I know my views are probably not going to be popular but I am living with the older version. I honestly hope the PO drags your sons scrawny buttocks back to juvy where he seems to want to go. Oh I know he says that is where he wants to be but he was only there for a week! They can do a week standing on their heads. Lets see what he thinks after 60 days.
Cory has always talked big about jail. He talked even bigger about what a joke juvy was...blah blah. Cory swore he could do jail time no problem. Odd how he called me time and again in tears begging to get out and now that he has real big boy time in the real big boy pen facing him he talks another talk. He isnt quite so verbal about wanting to in. A week is easy. 2 months or more is quite another thing.
2 months of eating whatever junk they shove at you...and not enough of that even. 2 months of sleeping when they tell you, listening to people argue and fight, getting told what to do, tv if they have it, not seeing your family unless they decide to come, limited phone calls...etc.
Yeah...juvy just might be the place for him.
I'm sorry. difficult child really doesn't get it. I like MB's suggestions of alternatives to juvie. As to mother in law-don't give her the time of day. Hugs.
Either things are very lax there in detention, or he is trying to bluff you. It isn't quite so great here.
on the other hand- if you think he really has it in his mind that he WANTS to be with kids like this and he relates to them more than anyone else- I'm not sure what you can do- if he's like 16 yo (do I have that right?). It might take some time in there for him to realize that home isn't so bad. Only you can read him that well..
"If you were a cool mom you wouldn't have called the police" - like WHO ELECTED HIM THE ADJUDICATOR ON WHAT IS COOL?
He does not get to define the terms, the rules, or anything. You ARE a cool mom because you did the right thing even though it was not what you want for your son.
It is definitely UNCOOL to walk out of school "because you're bored". VERY uncool.
Going back to juvey - UNCOOL.
Expecting the world to owe you a living - UNCOOL.
Treating your mother with disrespect - VERY UNCOOL.
Being so selfish that you act like your enjoyment in life is all that matters - VERY UNCOOL.
Do not let him define the terms. Do not let him make ANY such statements without challenge.
It's all part of how he tries to see the world - be redefining it, to make it seem like he is the hero, and everyone else the enemy, out to spoil his fun.
So if he ever says, "You're uncool," or "you're mean," remind him that he has forfeited his right to any validity in his opinion. Everyone else thinks otherwise about you - and so do you. And for you, THAT is what matters, how YOU feel about yourself.
I guess this also connects to what Adrianne was saying, about that book on how kids manipulate. Because you all accepted the label "uncool" as inevitable. And it is not. You throw it right back at him and refuse to own it, then move on to the main topic (from which he is trying to deflect you) - HE DID THE WRONG THING and is throwing accusations and labels around to distract everyone from this.
Sounds like the pattern of manipulation was set long ago, maybe by their father who learned it at his mother's knee... and it is part of the abuse in which these boys have been steeped, that it is OK to treat their mother like this and to disrespect her and call her names.
YOU did the right thing.
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