difficult child I is %$%&^% me off

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by amazeofgrace, May 20, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    He told me he was going to cut today, yesterday. I told him "no way" of course! And he cuts anyway, why am I surprised? He has failed for the year (again) already, but I am making him go to school for 2 reasons: so the school can't drag me to court for negligence and it's better then him sleeping all day here and doing nothing.

    So now it's 11:30 and he is not home. He went to "her" house 4 towns away, and I told him earlier when I called him, after the school called me to report his absence, that he'd better get his butt home.

    Now his cell is either dead or off and I am sitting here festering. I really see no light at the end of the tunnel for difficult child I, he doesn't care about school, or a job. He didn't care about girls, until recently, and I am not even sure if it's the "girl" he cares about if you know what I mean.

    UGH I am so frustrated, now I do not know wether to be worried of po'd!:mad:
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    How old is he?

    How does he get to "her" house 4 towns away?

    Is he in therapy or seeing a psychiatrist for medications?

    Sorry things are so rough . . .
  3. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    17 in June

    On Trileptal for "mood disorder"

    sees psychiatric bi-weekly

    had an in home therapist weekly, who basically said it's an "attitude" problem and never came back.

    I am guessing he walked or bummed a ride. She must have skipped school too, she's only 15, sigh...............

    I just want him home so I can go to bed
  4. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'd be po'd and I'd be calling the police and report him as unruly for not coming home and for cutting school. In most cases, the negligence threat is just to scare you. At his age, the judge is going to hold him responsible for cutting school. At least that's how it goes around here.

    I meant to respond to your 'outlaws' post and I forgot. Wasn't difficult child I the one that wanted dad out of the house? With that information and with how he is talking to and treating you, it sounds to me like one hurt, angry and confused kid. You can't force him to participate in therapy, but it sounds like family therapy and individual therapy would be beneficial.

    If you can't get him to go to therapy, getting it court ordered might be the way to go. I'd still be calling the police tonight.

  5. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    thank you he is an angry "boy" and is very immature for almost 17 and way too much like his Father.

    He is one of those "say what you wanna hear kids" in therapy and then he spits nails the minute we leave the office.

    welp now it's midnight, you'd think he'd call for a ride or walk to the mall (which was not far from where he was) and hop a bus home?

    I wouldn't even know where to tell the police to look, other then the name of the town, sigh...............

    debating on going out in the car to look 4 him, none of his friends are answering my calls, which means, they know something or just do not want to deal with my ?'s again
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Call the police. You need to report every time he runs away. While many schools are just threatening, not all are. Report him as a runaway EVERY time he does this. It hurts, it is hard, and it may be the only way to get anything through to him.

    As for where to tell the police to look, give them the town. You really need the paper trail.

    Lock the door and go to bed. Even if you just read a book there. His friends know where he is, so he is probably safe. he may even crash on someone's couch to "punish" you. It is not unheard of.

    I am so very very sorry. This is so very scary. I hope he comes home, but please report his cutting class to the police to CYA AND to hopefully get some help for him (whatever may be available). Here, in our state, pretty much the ONLY way to get help for a teen is to have it court ordered. The resource officer who used to be at the Jr High gave me a list of over 50 places that help teens with these problems. NONE of them were known by our therapist, the 3 other tdocs in her office, or the psychiatrist in her office!!! They are all court ordered.

    Sending hugs and a few extra zzzz's because I know you will be so tired tomorrow,

  7. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    he came home with the girlfriend this morning, she cut school and her parents did not notice he spent the night in her room, sigh.......

    Apparantly once the detective started called the numbers I found, news got out to them. she (14) was terrified, and they took her off to the station for her Mom to pick her up. difficult child I is PO'd and gave the detective an attitude, now he's in his room reclusing and the DYFS worker is on his way, I am missing another day of work. sigh............. I feel bad for the girl, and him, she and he were teary eyed when they took her out of here. Sigh..............................
  8. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh what a drag for you... too bad for him! He should have listened to you. I know that is easier said than done. For some reason, our kids are so impulsive/compulsive... egotistical. They never see what there actions do or how they affect others, some just plane don't care.
    I was at least smart enough in High School, to go home, whether I had skipped School or gotten high.
    Kept everyone off of my back!!! (Maybe it was worse this way, I never got in trouble, so I never got help) School believed my forgeries.
    I am sorry he is pulling this on you.
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Don't feel too bad. They made this choice.

    We had a rule in my house about cell phones, too, if you ignored my calls, you lost the phone unless you were paying for it. It was always hard on me when I took it away from difficult child, cause I was always afraid of the "what if's", but it boiled down to, he's gonna do what he's gonna do, with a phone or not, so I can contribute and let him keep it, or I can do what little I still have power to do, and take it.

    Hugs. Sorry he's dragging you thru this.
  10. Christy

    Christy New Member

    You did the right thing by calling and reporting it. Sorry about missing work. All the appointments, meetings, suspensions, court dates, evaluations that come with a difficult child is a full time job. Someone should pay us just for that!
  11. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    One thing you really need to check is the statutory rape laws in your state. In some, a 17 YO male with a 14 YO female can be charged, especially if the parents of the girl insist.

    I'm trying to figure out how her parents didn't know there was a boy in their daughter's bedroom. That's just incredible to me.

    As to calling the police, I agree you did the right thing. You need it for a paper trail for you and it may ultimately get you some help even though that's not as likely since he's almost at the age of majority.

    Is there any incentive you can use to get him to go to school? For my daughter, it was the simple threat that if she quit school she was going to have to work and pay rent with no ifs, ands or buts.

    Going through the almost adult attitudes is no fun. They really do think they are entitled to all the rights of adulthood with none of the responsibilities. It even gets worse if they are 18 and still in school. You have my sincere sympathies.
  12. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    I agree with the others that you did the right thing by notifying the police.

    My oldest, difficult child 1 is 17. He is an Aspie and is bipolar also. We've had an extremely difficult time with him. The bottom line is that he absolutely REFUSED to do anything he didn't want to do. He ran away in October and was caught by local police. We tried to get him admitted to a psychiatric hospital but weren't successful this last time.

    Anyway, his psychiatrist who had wanted to add an antipsychotic (can't spell!!!) to the Trileptal he was already taking, finally did. If the Abilify hadn't been added, I seriously don't know how I would have survived with him in the house any longer.

    difficult child 1 has been taking a combo of Trileptal and Abilify for about 8 months. For now, this cocktail of drugs seems to help. Although he is still EXTREMELY stubborn, he will do things we ask him to. Of course, he still puts up a fight most of the time, but this is a major improvement!!!

    I know that more drugs isn't always the answer. However, has your son had his medications adjusted lately? Just a thought...

    The other thing that has helped us is using the one thing difficult child 1 cares about more than anything else in this world, his computer, to get him to do things he either needs to do or to stop doing things he shouldn't do. He knows that we have control over his computer as long as he is living under our roof. It doesn't hurt that we are the ones who bought it for him too.

    Is there something that your difficult child cares about very deeply??? Maybe you could use this to your advantage.

    Anyway, I'm glad your difficult child is safe!!! It is a horrible feeling when you don't know where your kids are and whether or not they're ok.

    I hope today is a better day for you!!! WFEN
  13. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    seems he only cares for this girl right now. age of consent to have sex in NJ is 16, she is 14. but the Mom seemed understanding, I am guessing she, like me, thinks they did more then sleep while they were in there all night alone. But maybe she is nieve? I again know the girl had some say in all this, my son is not that together to plan something like this. But I am sure he was participating.

    Oh well he's home, difficult child II was an atom bomb at family therapy, the topic "hygeine" the mere word sets him off into a full blown melt down, well sorry kid ya stink! deal with it already!
  14. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So, what is his punishment?
  15. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    no computer, no cell, no phone (already caught him trying to use it), no girl (for her it's no boy) and we have a lot of planting to do this holiday weekend (ever see the movie Holes?). I'd say he can't get his license but he doesn't even want a permit, so no bargaining power there. I would also say house arrest, but he'd be more then happy to sleep all day in a depressive state. I'd rather him be out shooting hoops with his friends. She's going to Canada with her family 2morrow for the Holiday weekend, which is good.

    DYFS worker was pushing him to get a job (he still owes me $1600 from restitution from over a year ago and he took his younger brother's bike and it got stolen so he owes him a new bike). He was also pushing him to try job or youth corps but I am pretty sure those 2 programs do not run over the summer.

    So we will see how long the attitude lasts, he is less then humble, do kids get humble these days?
  16. Well I don't know if kids these days are ever humble~but I know mine is never bothered with anything I take away from him as puinishment....And that my friend is sooo frustrating:biting:. I used to love it when he was a small child I could say no difficult child and I would offer up something else and he would be content. Well now that just makes me mad because no matter what I take he is ok with it. We once resorted into taking everything out of his room except the bed...That little bugger said "well at least I wont be told to clean up my room" aghh got to love them:peaceful:. As I tell the teachers when I drop him off"May the force be with you."

    lots of ((((Hugs))))